The First Two Years

[Author's Note: Right. So. This has been scrapped and re-written at least three times. I still think that it's kind of zzzzzzzzz at times and definitely longer than necessary, but who knows. Maybe this'll resonate with someone. Like I said in my first pseudo-personal post, my respect and appreciation for the 50 writers who've consistently written beautiful, kickass columns over the past two years is through the roof after going through this arduous and nervewracking process (of writing, uh, one blog post) Love and miss you all.]

When I arrived on campus for orientation week four (four!) years ago, I’d already been comfortably out for almost three years. Mom and Dad knew (this happened), as did anybody who was interested, I guess, at my high school. I was one of 3,000 students and it was a pretty diverse place, so no one cared. I was never bullied or teased. There were so many out guys at school and I knew all these others in surrounding districts.

Which I feel is now the norm experience for the current first through third-year white gay Duke youngins (I’m working on my graduate condescension). These guys have been out since, like, second grade, and I think entered/are entering with the same mentality I did, which was that everything is wonderful and we’re just about at the end of the gay rights movement. “What is an ENDA?” – Us.

Which I guess is sort of great on one level? That we’ve come to a point where at least some in the LGBT spectrum have awesome experiences have never felt other? “Gay” was about as high on my identity list as “white” (which, for the record, is very very not high). I’d probably more readily identify as a Yankee fan. That’s cool! Good work, Everyone These Past Forty Years.

But as such I had a pretty skewed understanding of what The State of The Homosexual was in 2007. I thought homophobia was, like, Selma, 1960’s shit and no longer A Thing. I knew of one lesbian in high school and bisexuality was just a phase to me. I’m pretty sure the only trans person I’d ever seen (if they even were?) was the villain in Silence of the Lambs.

Anyhow. How problematic and wrong all of this was is for another post — the point is that I was worried about a thousand other things more than my sexuality. I mean, I did have my stigma about North Carolina; for Long Islanders, like, Pennsylvania is The South to us. I would say there are actually places latitudinally north of us that we consider The South (sorry, All of Upstate New York :/). But Duke was just so pretty when I visited mid-April and anyway I told myself that I was going to school to study, not to procure a boyfriend.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

* * * * *

I think the first thing that becomes apparent to a lot of gays is that they have to adjust their gaydar for Duke. I wasted so much time swooning over pink-polo’d peers before I realized that bow-ties and pastels were just things that straight men wore if they were wealthy and sort of a jerk. I was just so out of my element — there really were all these flamboyantly dressed guys and yet no out gays.

I remember you used to be able to browse Facebook networks by various parameters, and when you searched “18-21” + “Men” + “Interested in: Men” for Duke, uhhh, five? results came up? Like, for the entire school. And that was including me. I mean, if I could search “Interested in: [blank]” + “Number of tagged photos: >1000” I’d get much more accurate results (amiright?), but still. The message was clear: I could count the other gays at Duke on my fingers.

That’s right — only four years ago, it was possible to feel like you were one of only five out gays at Duke. I’d like the current sophomores and juniors reading this to take a second and let that sink in.

And my first year just sucked. The entire year. I was unhealthy and I didn’t sleep or shower or eat and my grades were awful (CHEM 21) and I had so few friends. I rarely left my room on the third floor of GA and I developed a reputation among the other men on the hall for always being on the phone (I called my mother every day without exception for my first two years at Duke). They developed a reputation among me for saying some of the most racist, homophobic and sexist things I’d ever heard. I don’t think many others had the same experience — like, I think I was just unlucky in terms of where I lived.

Despite the introversion, I was constantly looking for other gays on campus; after a while it wasn’t really as much about finding a boyfriend as it was about finding empathy and similar interests. But going to the LGBT Center was just out of the question. My utopian high school experience and socialization led me to attach a stigma to the Center, which was based on three [horribly flawed] premises:

1. Those who frequent this space all have “gay” as number one on their identity list, and there is no reason for this (what an arbitrary thing to define yourself by!). Unless sex means so much to these people and their life (how does their sexuality affect them at all outside of the bedroom?).


2. Those who have “gay” as number one (or even top three) on their identity list are all just The Most Flamboyant and cross dressers. I remember this Chronicle article from that September profiling the Center, specifically the quote:

While some have taken to analyzing a Missy Elliot track, most have gathered around a long drawing table – the artists inside of them pour paint onto posters of purple Blue Devil icons, unicorns with heart-shaped eyes, and slogans like "Duke Allies" in eye-catching, multicolored text.

Right.


3. Flamboyant and genderqueer people are all vapid and unintelligent.

Oof a little bit, First-Year Me. I’ll get to how I eventually came to visit the Center (and ultimately work there last year) later, but I feel like I should address these misconceptions now. This is what I learned very quickly:

1. Not everyone who frequents The Center has “gay” as number one on their identity list. For me it is. And it is not because my life revolves around sex, but because, like, you can be fired in 20 states for being gay without legal recourse.
   
   
2. The diversity of the LGBTQ Community at Duke (including those who visit the Center) is staggering. There are film buffs and athletes. Students who are turning gender on its fucking head and students who are questioning. Fierce activists and those who, eh, just don’t really care all that much. Fraternity men, Greek women, people who don’t like Lady Gaga, Yankees fans, Tampa Bay fans (whatever), Catholics, Jews, and two one Pratt student (but seriously). I will say that in terms of race, gender and sexuality, the population is skewed toward gay white men. This is a situation that is always improving, and We’ve made huge strides in the past several years.
   
   The point is that fear of not “fitting in” should not keep anyone from visiting the Center.
   
   
3. Flamboyancy and genderfuckery are not inversely proportional to intellect. This is just just a duh thing and I’m a little embarrassed that I ever thought otherwise. It’s no excuse, but in retrospect, the only truly queer or superfeminine gay men I knew of were those I saw on television and they weren’t exactly paragons of intelligence. It took actually meeting some genderqueer guys IRL (and being subsequently awed by how smart and insightful they were #Duke) that I realized how wrong (sexist and homophobic) I was.

The Second Year

I resolved during the summer that I was going to do everything different once I got back to school. I was going to be extroverted! I was going to introduce myself to people! I was going to drink maybe!

Most of all, though, I was going to not do any of these things!

I developed an insane crush on this Duke gay that summer, and it’s pretty comical how gung-ho I was about meeting (marrying) him. I still had, like, nine social anxiety disorders and awful self-confidence. My fear of being out of control of myself and affection for Diet Coke kept me from drinking (all four years, it would turn out. Ask me about that unintentional social experiment sometime). I still had zero friends that would take me out even if I wanted to.

So. Okay. This is kind of fucked up and embarrassing, but when I got back I would to go to section parties alone and sober just hoping to bump into this guy. He was someone who raged on the weekends and I was so socially inept that I thought there was like ONE party that just everyone went to each night. If you were going out, that’s where you’d be.

Mhm.

I did this about three times in September. I’d just quickly scan the halls and rooms, not interacting with anyone. I don’t think there’s any way this wasn’t illegal in some way – like, this is the definition of stalking.

It eventually became apparent that this was kind of stupid. My pragmatic half understood that statistically it just wasn’t going to happen. Also, years later I realized that I didn’t really have a plan if I did actually run into him.

Me: “Hey! I’m Chris. I’m introducing myself, because this is just a thing I do all the time.”

Him: “Hi, Chris! I’m almost definitely in the middle of a conversation that you just interrupted because there’s no way I’m just standing alone against the wall like the middle school dance scene that you always imagined this being. I’d tell you my name, but it’s obvious you already know it. How’re you doi –”

Me: “Will you marry me?”

Him: “Of course! Why didn’t you ask sooner?!”

My moral compass apparently still thought this was an appropriate amount of energy to spend on one person. I just needed to try something different.

And then the most perfect thing happened.

Chris Purcell, the Program Coordinator at the time, sent out this message to a Facebook group I was a part of soliciting help for Coming Out Day on Thursday, October 16. And get this: I knew that someone who knew My Husband would be there, and if I could just meet him, then I might as well start picking Our Song (just kidding! I already knew what it was!). So I volunteered to hand out tee shirts on The Plaza.

Yes, my first visit to The Center was purely for hormonal reasons.

It was just the greatest day, though. Everyone was really sweet to me and I had tons of fun. Coming Out Day is an awesomely affirming event, and its progression to the huge party it is now is testament to the strides this community has made over the past several years.

I should mention that as well as everything went, I did not meet My Husband’s Friend that day. In fact, I didn’t even meet the guy I had a crush on until my senior year. (This, it turned out, was for the best.)

Actually, that night of Coming Out Day, I randomly added someone on Facebook that I would go on to date for a year and a half.

#Life.

But yeah. Once I started going to The Center, I was just infinitely happier. I met all of my best friends there – people I now consider family. I’m not saying that every LGBT person will definitely have the same experience or that they have to go, but it changed my life in a lot of ways. Just sayin.

So this is just a risky post for me to write. For one, I write columns that begin with “so.” It’s pretty intimidating knowing (to know?) that your (one’s?) post is going to be juxtaposed by (with? against?) those of language enthusiasts — (;?) this is, like, every engineer’s worst nightmare [within a nightmare]. I’m just so sorry Sandeep thought I could hold my own here.


I also cannot offer anything as formal or definitive as the other pieces on this blog. Not only does most of what I know on this subject come from personal experience (we just never got to talking about queer theory in Concrete (which, in fact, is a real course in real life (this counts as embedding, right?))), but there really is no Right Answer when it comes to these things. Like many parts of language, what is á la mode in this realm is constantly evolving and up for debate.


All this being said, getting affirming language right should be just as critical of a goal for the LGBT movement as civil rights. Though the difference between “gay marriage” and “same-sex marriage” (not everyone taking advantage of our success in New York is “gay”) or “congresswoman” and “congressperson” (a person’s gender should be irrelevant) may seem trivial, these things eventually add up to alienation, misrepresentation and reification of antiquated, problematic paradigms (I’ll explain more later, promise!). Feminist theorist Marilyn Frye perfectly illustrates why the seemingly innocuous should not be ignored in her essay “_blank”>Oppression (a quick read, but pretty much my manifesto when it comes to advocacy of any kind). She’s focusing on sexism here, but the thesis can really be applied to any oppressed minority:

Cages. Consider a birdcage. If you look very closely at just one wire in the cage, you cannot see the other wires. If your conception of what is before you is determined by this myopic focus, you could look at that one wire, up and down the length of it, and be unable to see why a bird would not just fly around the wire any time it wanted to go somewhere. Furthermore, even if, one day at a time, you myopically inspected each wire, you still could not see why a bird would gave trouble going past the wires to get anywhere. There is no physical property of any one wire, nothing that the closest scrutiny could discover, that will reveal how a bird could be inhibited or harmed by it except in the most accidental way. It is only when you step back, stop looking at the wires one by one, microscopically, and take a macroscopic view of the whole cage, that you can see why the bird does not go anywhere; and then you will see it in a moment. It will require no great subtlety of mental powers. It is perfectly obvious that the bird is surrounded by a network of systematically related barriers, no one of which would be the least hindrance to its flight, but which, by their relations to each other, are as confining as the solid walls of a dungeon.

AW, SNAP. So many phrases, so much vernacular — the lexicon of the LGBT Movement itself! — are all called out by this paragraph. My original goal for this post was to explore all of the “wires” I encountered in a typical day as a Professional Gay, but it became apparent once I started that I could cover a ton of ground just by analyzing how the word “gay” is used.


“Gay” is probably the most misused word I hear day to day. From the Human Rights Campaign’s Style Guide:





I mean, listen. Do some women identify as “gay”? I have not met any, but I’m sure there are some who do! And in those cases, it is important to honor their identification. Whatever people identify as, that is what they are. If they want to make up their own sexual orientation identity, then that is fine (and pretty cool, if you ask me). I know plenty of men who are “sexually and affectionally attracted” to only other men who instead identify as “queer.” How that word’s been re-appropriated is for another post, but the point is that it is up to the person to decide how they identify.


But almost always, “gay” should only be used to refer to men. Like, when you read the word “gay,” what is the mental image that comes to mind? I am going to go out on a limb and guess it’s a guy (who is white and kind of muscular, thanks to limited diversity in the media).


With this in mind, we arrive at our first wire: “Gay” being used as an umbrella term for all non-straight sexual orientations, or the LGBT Movement as a whole. Two weeks ago, the expo for LGBT-friendly businesses my non-profit organizedwas profiled in the local newspaper under the headline “Gay Expo Expanding…” This makes a white gay male the face of a much more diverse demographic — one in which he is actually the minority. It also overlooks the fact that this movement deals not just with sexual orientation, but with gender identity as well.


Put simply, when “gay” is used this way, it makes invisible anyone who identifies differently. It literally ignores their identity, which is pretty de-legitimizing.


I also can’t discuss “gay” without calling out Every High School Student In America For Some Reason. Using “gay” for anything you don’t like is just very stupid and damaging. “I don’t mean it like that! Nobody thinks of it that way and anyhow, it isn’t hurting anyone. Shouldn’t you be more worried about something like anti-LGBT violence?” — Every High School Student. Well first off, thank you for using “LGBT.” It shows you’re at least trying. But you cannot honestly think that “gay” was just chosen haphazardly to represent negative things. “No, seriously, We All got together and put every word ever in a hat and the one We picked just also happened to represent a historically oppressed minority. It just happened that way. I don’t know why older folks keep telling me that I “don’t live in a vacuum” because what do vacuums have to do with this and how would I even fit inside one let alone live in it.”


I understand this is sort of like shooting juvenile arguments in a barrel. (First simile on a linguistics blog! Nailed it.) But all the same, this is a really pervasive issue in schools (I’ve even heard of adults using this. Eek.), and for teens this is as nuanced of an issue as the first I described. So yes, Wire #2: Using “gay” for, like, everything bad.




Hope this gets some gears turning, and I’m definitely open to questions.

Explanation of Anonymous Posts

Since this blog’s inception, anonymous posts have been the single constant. We know that there are countless students who do not read the blog daily but look forward to every Monday’s post. Even for those of us who do read the blog daily, we love when Mondays come around because of anonymous posts. As a blog staff, we value anonymous posts tremendously. Aside from the fact that several of us have written in anonymously before, we love the discussion in the comment section that they generate and the way that they give readers a chance to contribute, even if they can’t or don’t want to be an identifiable regular writer. That said, please understand that the purpose of this blog is to build community. From the beginning, the only things we said we ever wouldn’t post were things that violated our community standard of respect, like hate speech and personal attacks. Additionally, we will not post submissions that communicate or convey that the person submitting the post is expressing or insinuating suicide, another form of self harm, harm to others. We are very concerned for the well-being of the entire community, and our decision to not post such entries should not be interpreted as a rejection or as that we are ignoring you. Quite the contrary. We will take steps to identify any person whose submission suggests harm to self or somebody else or that they were a victim of recent abuse in order to reach out and offer help. There are a number of resources available on campus and in the local community, and if you or a friend are experiencing thoughts or urges to harm yourself or somebody else, please reach out to the resources below:

In an emergency, please don't hesitate to call CAPS at any time, including "after hours" at (919) 966-3820. Ask to speak to the advice nurse and tell them you are a Duke student. You may also call the Trevor Project, a national hotline specifically for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer and questioning youth (college students included). Their number is 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386). Don't be surprised if you see these resources listed in following weeks.

Anonymous Posts Template

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks, hate speech, or express or insinuate that one is at risk for hurting themselves, someone else. Please read this post for an explanation of our policies and please consider using the resources listed at the bottom of this post if you or a friend need help. With those exceptions aside, please feel free to submit your thoughts and questions. :)

[Happy Go Lukcy Stuff here]

[Anonymously Submitted Posts Here]

If you or a friend are considering harming one's self or another, please reach out and get help. There are a number of resources on our campus. In an emergency, please don't hesitate to call CAPS at any time, including "after hours" at (919) 966-3820. Ask to speak to the advice nurse and tell them you are a Duke student. You may also call the Trevor Project, a national hotline specifically for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer and questioning youth (college students included). Their number is 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386).

Anonymous Posts (3.28.11-4-3.11)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks, hate speech, or express or insinuate that one is at risk for hurting themselves, someone else. Please read further for an explanation of this policy. With those exceptions aside, please feel free to submit your thoughts and questions. :)

First things first: WHO SAW LAST NIGHT'S WOMEN'S BASKETBALL FINAL FOUR GAMES!?! The end of Stanford-Texas A&M!?! And then UConn goes down?! Danggg. (Shout out to Chris Purcell for having a game thread going on his facebook!)

And, uh, CALLIE TORES AND ARIZONA ROBINS ARE GETTING MARRIED (on Grey’s Anatomy)!!

Other exciting news from the world of gay: the last LGBTQ and Ally Discussion group is TOMORROW NIGHT in the LGBT Center at 6:30. We’re going to be talking about fitting in at Duke (and in life), so please bring your varied experiences and perspectives. Perhaps take a few minutes to reflect on Janie’s post from earlier this week and the comments left there.

Also, confession: I'm a big PostSecret fan. I read them every week and anxiously await Sunday just as I used to anxiously await anonymous posts every Monday (now that I'm editor, I don't really have to anxiously await for them). Sometimes I think of this as our community's own PostSecret forum (maybe we'll find a way to let people get more creative on here, if they want?). But I digress. With each post, PostSecret provides resources for individuals who are suicidal. As I take over as blogger-in-chief, I want to remind everyone that it is vitally important that we remember to look out for ourselves and for each other.

Since this blog’s inception, anonymous posts have been the single constant. We know that there are countless students who do not read the blog daily but look forward to every Monday’s post. Even for those of us who do read the blog daily, we love when Mondays come around because of anonymous posts. As a blog staff, we value anonymous posts tremendously. Aside from the fact that several of us have written in anonymously before, we love the discussion in the comment section that they generate and the way that they give readers a chance to contribute, even if they can’t or don’t want to be an identifiable regular writer. That said, please understand that the purpose of this blog is to build community. From the beginning, the only things we said we ever wouldn’t post were things that violated our community standard of respect, like hate speech and personal attacks. Additionally, we will not post submissions that communicate or convey that the person submitting the post is expressing or insinuating suicide, another form of self harm, harm to others. We are very concerned for the well-being of the entire community, and our decision to not post such entries should not be interpreted as a rejection or as that we are ignoring you. Quite the contrary. We will take steps to identify any person whose submission suggests harm to self or somebody else or that they were a victim of recent abuse in order to reach out and offer help. There are a number of resources available on campus and in the local community, and if you or a friend are experiencing thoughts or urges to harm yourself or somebody else, please reach out to the resources below:

In an emergency, please don't hesitate to call CAPS at any time, including "after hours" at (919) 966-3820. Ask to speak to the advice nurse and tell them you are a Duke student. You may also call the Trevor Project, a national hotline specifically for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer and questioning youth (college students included). Their number is 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386). Don't be surprised if you see these resources listed in following weeks.

Now, for this week’s anonymous posts!

#1

Lupe Fiasco gave a shout out to Gay Rights activists at his concert on Thursday. In that moment, however brief, I felt alive with acceptance. Usually, hip-hop/rap artists' songs are littered with homophobic remarks and hate speech. I have yet to come across a single lyric of his that has even the slightest hint of that.

#2

This community makes me want to hide who I am. I fear I will lie to the LGBT community about who I really am for my remaining years here at Duke just to be accepted. I feel so pathetic and like I'm betraying myself, but really I'm just trying to survive amongst you all
[Editor's note: Please consider coming to tomorrow night's discussion group. We're going to be talking about this issue and would really like to hear your story.]