To #4:

I always look forward to reading the anonymous posts on the BDU blog. They’re almost always incredibly enlightening and I think I come away with a new perspective on our community with each week’s set. As many others have said, I think the blog has an absolutely fantastic readership base.

An anonymous post (#4 in the most recent series here), particularly spoke to me this time. This poster speaks of how their excitement of their first Fab Friday at the Center quickly turned to disappointment. Expecting to make new friends and to be welcomed into the community, this person was completely ignored and excluded from the existing groups. Disenchanted, they left soon after.

Sadly, this is not the first time this has happened to a new visitor to Fab Friday or the LGBT Center. Often it is the reason that people are hesitant to stop by. It’s something that we all need to shoulder responsibility for too – I was at the last Fab Friday and didn’t talk to this person, for which I am truly sorry. Echoing what Chris Perry wrote, we can’t forget what it’s like to be shy or new to a situation – especially when we’ve been part of a group for so long.

In fact, my first experience with the LGBT Center was not altogether dissimilar to this poster’s. During the months leading up to my arrival at Duke, I had researched the LGBT resources and groups on campus and was well aware of the first Fab Friday event. Building up my confidence to actually go along was a whole other story however. Having finally resolved myself to attend, I took the long inside entrance to the LGBT Center through the West Union. (There was no way you were getting me to walk through a door that so flamboyantly proclaimed ‘DUKE CENTER FOR LGBT LIFE’ in plain view of the Plaza. You may as well have asked me to perform drag through the Marketplace.) My hands shook and my heart pounded as I pushed the door open. (I apologize if this sounds like a bad crime novel.) The first person I met, Janie, was as welcoming and inviting as she could be – she and Chris [Ed. Note: Purcell!] truly deserve a lot of praise for how they make new-timers feel welcome. In contrast however, the main room full of people was extremely intimidating. I knew no one, nor was I approached by anyone and within five minutes I was standing awkwardly beside the table of food. The sole consolation was that the cupcakes were amazing.

Like so many other students, I’ve been fortunate enough to have had some extremely positive experiences with the Center, Fab Fridays and the Duke LGBT community despite my first awkward experience. But it is so important for us to remember that there are many people who have not had good experiences, or are intimidated by even the prospect of visiting. It’s all too easy to forget that others exist once we feel comfortable in our own established groups and cliques – this is definitely something that I’m guilty of. This is particularly true for the LGBTQ community, where people may already feel uncomfortable expressing or promoting themselves, even without the additional difficulty of breaking into new social circles.

So, #4, I want to praise you for your courage for coming to Fab Friday for the first time. I truly am sorry that your experience turned out not to be what you hoped. But I am really glad that you decided to share it with us, because it is so valuable for everyone to be aware of this issue. I really hope that you will come back to the LGBT Center, Fab Friday, or a BDU event and that you have a much more welcoming and positive experience. I really hope you’ll become a part of our community, because we’d love to have you. I know I’m going to make more of an effort to reach out to newcomers and I know that so many others in our community will too. For everyone reading, I want to challenge you all to speak with someone who you haven’t met, who’s new, or who seems shy, the next time the opportunity arises. It’s a cliché, but it really can mean a whole lot for that person.

Anonymous Posts(3.22.10-3.28.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Hey you guys.

1) We had a ton of pre-frosh visit the Center this weekend and it was pretty much The Most Awesome. I would never have the confidence to do that in a million years, and I'm realizing that these younger generations are bold. Thanks for hanging out! Hope to see you all in the Fall.

2) Walk by Kilgo J when you can. We are making the section look like an LGBT SLG. It's legit. Let us know if you want a flag, too! We'll even hang it for you :) Apparently, someone wrote a letter to RLHS complaining about the rainbow flags, citing an obscure line in building code. This is good! We are pissing intolerant people off! That means we're doing our job.

Lots of awesome posts this week. Comment time!

#1

LOVE IT. Jane Lynch is an amazing woman. Sue Sylvester on the other hand thinks we've gotta watch out for all those "sneaky gays" out there! Check it out and get PUMPED for Glee starting again soon!!

[Ed. Note: I'm going to be honest, #1. This sort of sounds like the work of a PR person at Fox. This is very ad-like and most likely a blatant pandering to our Glee-obsessed gay community. But having said that, OMG CAN'T WAIT.]

#2

HELLO BDU. the posters you unleashed on campus today were extroardinary. YES

[Ed. Note: I know! The No Homo(phobia) campaign was incredibly successful. Everyone involved just GOT. IT. last week, and are pretty much my heros. Mason Plumlee even signed our pledge! More information about the anti-hate speech campaign here.]

#3

I want to cry. I want to lie down in my bed and cry my eyes out like a little child. It's not a problem of identifying. I know who I am. It's a problem of finding someone special for me. And I guess being a gay guy doesn't make it any easier. Everyone's already in relationships or don't want one. Or they don't want me. It's really frustrating you know? And there's nothing I can do about it. I'm always the friend, never the boyfriend. I'm always there for them no matter what, but who's there for me? I guess I'm just a helpless romantic. I've always imagined being able to call up or text my boyfriend after a long day of classes and grabbing lunch and eating in the gardens or something. But it's never happened. And I don't know what to do. Everyone tells me to be patient but for how long? I'm a very patient person but by God! I can only be patient to a certain degree. I just want someone to spend my time with. Someone to watch a movie with. Is that so much to ask for? Maybe it is. I don't know. I'd love to feel wanted for once in my life. I guess I'll just have to settle with being the friend for now. Being the best friend that secretly has a crush on you. The one that is always there for you. Always the shoulder to cry on. And then, in that moment of weakness, admit my feelings to you, hoping that something will spark in your mind. Hoping that you'll remember that it was me who was always there for you, that it's me who you really want. I know this post may not be about a pressing gay issue, but for me, I can't stop thinking about it.

[Ed. Note: I can't really do better than the "be patient" advice because that's all you can do. It's just not sensible to ever think that you've met everyone that you're ever going to meet. We are young [!] and all it takes is one person to make it all completely worth it. This sounds cliche! Pretty much The Most Cliche. You'd think I was taking Cliche 101 at Cliche University. But it's true! A LOT can change in even one night. Hang in there, #3, you'll be alright :)]

#4

When I first entered the LGBT Center for Fab Friday, I was excited, happy, thrilled, anxious. I was ready to meet all the new people and for once feel at home and welcomed. I felt like I could be myself and make new friends without being judged. I didn't know anyone there, had no previous connections, had seen some people around campus but that was it. I walked in at 4:32. I left at 5:08. 36 minutes. In those 36 minutes, all of my emotions were reversed. I was hurt, sad, depressed. Why you ask? No one talked to me. Not one person. Yeah, I come off as quiet and shy but once you get to talking to me, I kinda have trouble getting myself to shut up. But no one tried. Everyone was fractured off into their own very distinct groups. There was little correspondence between groups. For the most part, they all moved together. Being new there, I of course had no group to join so I just stood along the outside, observing everything, getting a drink and some snacks every once in a while. In what turned out to be a futile attempt, I tried to join one group, only to be ignored for the usual Fab Friday goers. Ever since then, I have not set foot in the Center again and never felt really attached to the gay community. Thankfully, I've had an awesome group of open and understanding friends that have been there to help me through my rough times. It just hurts when your own community inadvertently treats you like an exile. It took me a while to write this. I don't want to criticize the Center, I'm sure it's a great place with great people, but I just wanted to let you know that it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to pay more attention to new faces. I don't know if I'll be returning to the Center anytime soon but when or if I do, I hope my experience is better.

[Ed. Note: I'm really happy this was posted here. I think you offer a great perspective on how coming to The Center can feel for those who aren't regulars. This entry embodies one of the major goals of the blog - to educate the out community at Duke. We can't lose sight of what it's like to be shy, closeted, new, etc. here. I promise to go up to new people at Fab Friday, #4, including you when you come back this week and give us another try :)]

#5

[Ed. Note: This is a sweet video put together by The Center about Coming Out Day at Duke. Really well done, and a good idea of what this awesome event is like. See you in 2010!]

#6

Shit is hitting the fan right now.

In a good way, I think.

Things are changing faster than expected. I was in for so so so so long. And now I’m out. Yeah, there are still people who I need to tell, and people who I don’t want to tell, but for the most part, I am now officially a not-straight-woman (not positive on what lingo I want to go with). It’s weird because I never really was a straight woman...well, except for always. Should I hold a press conference or something? I guess that would be a little formal. A party? Too over-the-top. Maybe I’ll just tell people next time I see them. Or a mass text. Yes. No?

Anyways, it seems as though a huge, long era of my life is coming to an end. And I’m glad it is, in general, but I’m just not used to it being over. I’m not used to being able to tell people about my sexuality without having to rehearse it 15 [bajilion] times in my head first. I’m not used to saying out loud, “Wow, she’s gorgeous,” or not having to say “Yeah, I definitely think he’s cute.” I’m not used to being ready to face my future or to stop thinking about my depressive, suicidal past. But it’s time for me to move on. I definitely didn’t foresee any trouble in letting go of these things that I absolutely hated about my closeted life, but they are things that I strangely want to hold on to. They are emotions and experiences that I definitely don’t want to forget, but that I am also not sure I want to stop experiencing. It’s just weird- coming out seems to be losing its thrill, in a way. I loved coming out and then telling my story and answering questions, but now that I’m not wrestling with things I used to be wrestling with, telling my story seems extraneous. It’s weird and definitely unexpected that when I come out to someone and they just say “cool!” it’s kind of a let-down. Am I super twisted for feeling this way? It is very much possible that I am- and it won’t hurt my feelings if I get 15 [bajillion] comments saying “Yes, you should be straight up ecstatic that the response is ‘cool!’” I’m just wondering.

Anyways, I also wanted to thank you all for sharing your stories because I wouldn’t have understood mine (let alone started to share it) without you. I would also like to strongly encourage others who may have been in for so so so so long to come join me outside. It seems like it’ll be fun. And I selfishly want to have more people to play with! The more, the merrier, as they say. Girls/women (depending on which you prefer), I’m waiting for you, especially......now that I’m being honest and all :).

Ok, I’m signing this anonymously as I’m not quite ready yet to have people know who I don’t know know. Ya feel? If you read it slowly, I think that might make sense.

Also please comment on my post. Otherwise I will continue to post painfully long anonymous posts until I get 15 [bajilion] comments each. Seriously, I really want to hear what you have to say- anything at all.

Happy to have finally gotten together the guts to hit the "Done" button, and sad to be returning to my homework,

Anonymous from Bostock

[Ed. Note: You're my girl #6! I'm really glad you're moving ahead like this :) As for missing parts of your past, I'd say that there are many different ways to recreate that excitement. Personally, working on this blog and reading as people come out to themselves and others is just as thrilling as if I were going through it myself. Controversy's also fun - maybe you'd be interested in protesting with me and Aliza sometime. I'm sure we could find some people who wouldn't respond with "cool" haha. What you said about when you were depressed - that there are parts of this you don't want to forget - really resonates with me. There are many awful, awful episodes I've gone through in my life, but to be honest I think I'd do them all over again. Masochistic? Maybe. I just don't think I'd be the same person without those experiences. They've also given me first-hand knowledge on a lot of issues that I wouldn't otherwise have. (I'm holding you to your promise of painfully long anonymous posts, by the way :) )]

#7

I miss my LGBTA Dukies! I love the blog and enjoy seeing the great things you all are doing :-)

[Ed. Note: Awesome! It's pretty cool to see how this site finds people. Come back and visit, #7!]