Eviction

A high school friend of mine is getting kicked out of her house soon. Her mother has told her that as soon as she turns 18 she is no longer welcome there. Ever. Verbatim, this woman told her daughter that she is disgusting, that she wasn’t raised to be like this, that God hates her, and that she would rather see her dead.

All because she likes girls.

You see, her mother found one of her journals where she keeps all her ideas for stories and recounts some thoughts or events she’s had that day. Then follows three angry voice mails, an early pick up from school, a smashed cell phone, and an extremely heated argument. Now my friend’s only hope for reconciling with her mother is to take an online, ex-gay course… and then bury her true feelings until she breaks or her mother passes.

Hearing my friend tell me this, it gave me such a sick feeling in my stomach. I tried to see it from a parental point of view: I have a child, a beautiful baby girl. I raise her for almost 18 years, watching her go through school, seeing her graduate, and remembering things like her first steps, her first words, play dates, story time, soccer games, movie nights, prom... And no matter which way I turn it in my mind, no matter what scenario I fit to it, I simply cannot fathom telling this child, my child, that she is disgusting, that I would rather she were dead.

This isn’t the first time I’ve seen this happen. I’ve known kids who’ve run away from home, or worse, for this reason before. Their parents find a hidden note, or they snoop on their computers at night, or listen in on a phone conversation. Some are tossed out immediately. Others suffer neglect or abuse until they can’t stand it anymore. I’ve sat in a restaurant and heard my step-mother say “One day, an earthquake is gonna send California out to sea, and it will sink, as God’s wrath against the homosexuals.” Because obviously, all gays are in California and all Californians are gay. It’s absurd.

Why is homophobia strong enough to drive some parents to feel this way about their children? Is it because they won’t have grandkids now? Science has become advanced enough that gayness is no longer a deterrent for continuing the bloodline. Is it the social stigma, the ageless prejudice? Maybe. Especially here in the South you find parents who, if not religiously inclined, have been taught that it is morally deplorable for so long it just sticks. Unfortunately, it seems religion is one of the stronger forces driving these feelings. My friend is getting kicked out of her house because her mother believes without a doubt that homosexuality is a sin. That God hates the homosexuals, so the only thing to do is change her daughter, or excommunicate her.

It is my belief, deep down, that even the God so many quote against us would disagree with this woman. The Bible preaches many things but the common motif is always Love. Unfortunately, this is too often overlooked. What happened to “love thy neighbor”? Where is “love the sinner, hate the sin”? Why is another girl, a child, being thrown from her home and her family because of who she loves? Homophobia is something I’ve seen so long it doesn’t really surprise me anymore, but to the point where you will hate your own children, cast them out like so many used napkins… I hope there never comes a time when I understand that.

The Book. The Cover. Judgments.

There are certain people that I usually don’t expect to be accepting. I don’t assume they’re bigoted right off the bat because I know there are exceptions, but I don’t anticipate an easygoing attitude either. One of these groups of people is the elderly group.

Now, as I said, there are exceptions. I’ve met plenty of older people who seem to have no problem whatsoever with the LGBT community. Acceptance tends to run thinner as you move through the letters of that acronym, but I know there are seniors who have the right mindset. Although I haven’t lost sight of this fact, I was still surprised by something that happened today. It was subtle and discreet, but it hit me like a double-decker bus. I’m beyond excited to be doing Duke in London soon, so pardon the misfit imagery.

Anyway, I’m walking across the parking lot. I’m wearing a large, thin t-shirt that drapes loosely enough to fly like mad in the beach area wind. I’m also in short exercise shorts and flip-flops, and my long hair is practically propelling me off the ground. I’m growing my hair for Locks of Love, so it’s around 8 inches long right now and rather curly. Not always fun.

Imagine what’s going through my mind when an older man in a polo and khakis walks toward me from his car. He’s just gotten out of his totally not cliché Cadillac, running his hand over his bald spot, then through the remaining salt-and-pepper hair on the back and sides of his head. He adjusts his glasses. He puts his keys in his pocket. As he steps forward, he looks up at the sign on the storefront and squints his eyes to read it. We pass each other and he glances at me momentarily. I’ll go ahead and tell you what I’m thinking. I’m thinking, “He is judging me so hard right now. He thinks my hair is too freakin’ feminine. He thinks my shirt is too flowy. He thinks I’m showing too much leg. I can see it in his face.”

Alright, let’s start unpacking this. 1) I didn’t even really see much of his expression. How I decided he was thinking all this – In retrospect, no clue. 2) I shouldn’t care either way. I like the way I look. 3) There’s more to the story…

As I continue walking, I notice another man getting out of the front passenger seat, dressed similarly to the driver and of a similar age. He follows the first man into the store. “Um, wait…” I turn around and watch them enter the store together. When I resume walking to my car, and once I’ve gotten my stupid hair out of my face (it’s a good cause, it’s a good cause, it’s a good cause), a dark spot on the bumper of this white, totally not cliché Cadillac catches my eye. I walk closer to get a better look at it. It’s a dark blue square. It has a yellow equal sign in the middle. Underneath it says “2007 Member.” It’s an HRC bumper sticker. Jaw-dropping. “I…am…so…stupid.”

I wanted to kick myself in the face for falling into this rather obvious life lesson waiting to happen. I had pre-judged someone I had assumed was judging me, only to find that he was probably not only accepting of me, but he may very well have been gay himself. If that’s the case, it’s also probable that he’s gone through far more trials and tribulations as a gay man than I. I try so hard to resist judging people without grounds, and this is just one more reminder that I always have more to learn about people, and myself.

On a High!!!

I'm on such a high right now. It's one of my last nights home before I leave to be a counselor and I just got back from the 19th Annual Awards Dinner for Equality Arizona. With everything that's going on these days, espcially around the hot topic of immigration, it's easy to name all sorts of not-so-good things going on in my state. I left the dinner, though, with a lot of hope and enthusiasm [once in the car on the way home, my exact words may or may not have been "I wish I could go back to Duke tomorrow and get started on stuff for BDU"]. Hundreds of people gathered tonight for this dinner, all of whom are well-connected and all of whom actively support efforts towards equality through their money, time and/or energy. I was fortunate to be invited last minute by a good family friend (she's my parents' age; a lady at our table asked us if we were on a date...I'm not making this up) and Equality Arizona made it possible for me to attend free of charge as a "Young Emerging Leader." I joined public officials, business leaders, educators and so many other passionate and hardworking people. Donna Rossi, an out lesbian and senior reporter for CBS News in Phoenix, emceed the event; David Mixner, activist extraordinaire and a contemporary of Harvey Milk, gave an inspiring keynote address.

Last but not least, as the BDU blog (and sports) are always on my mind...I even managed to score (pun intended!) a picture [below] with 2006 Olympic Ice Dancer, Ryan O'Meara. O'Meara shared his story as the evening's prelude speaker. Be on the lookout for a future post featuring O'Meara, who's agreed to let me interview him!

A few more pictures...

With eight-time (count it...that's 16 years, folks) Arizona Legislator Ken Cheuvront (left) and Phoenix City Council Member Tom Simplot.

With Kyrsten Sinema, who visited Duke in February.

With keynote speaker, activist, political strategist and contemporary of Harvey Milk, David Mixner.

With Arizona's Attorney General and Gubernatorial Candidate, Terry Goddard.