Nonentity- Consistently Falling Under

[In addition to all of our awesome visible and identifying columnists, we also have some awesome anonymous columnists that for one reason or another must use a pseudonym (and pseudopic?). Details on anonymous columnists here.]

“Bisexuality is a choice,” he said.

A choice? How?

Do gay men choose to be attracted to men? Do lesbians choose to be attracted to women? If you asked them, I’m sure the majority would say, “No, I was born this way” or, “No, this isn’t a choice.” And I believe it isn’t. Why would anyone choose to be a minority? A minority often not respected by the whole, a minority struggling for rights and respect and acknowledgement. No, if anything there is nothing to gain (especially not in this day and age) from being gay, bi, lesbian, etc.

Bisexuality isn’t a way for me to be “gay, but less gay” than others, nor is it way for me to have a broader catalogue of selection, and it certainly isn't a way for me to be a slut and over-indulge in the carnal pleasures of life (in fact, I’m a strange combination of asexual and bisexual, mainly because I’m content without dating/relationships and do not actively seek them). I can’t give a reason for bisexuality, but to me it’s merely attraction to both men and women. The same way a heterosexual is attracted to the opposite sex and the same way a homosexual is attracted to the same sex. Perhaps it’s different for others. Perhaps other bisexuals chose to be the way they are, but I sure as hell didn’t. I’m just attracted to both men and women. I can’t explain how or why, but I am. Why can’t people just accept and acknowledge that?

Of course, I’m not expecting everyone to accept and acknowledge the fact that bisexuals exist. My parents… well, specifically my mom, is the kind of person I’d expect this sort of shallow thinking from. She’s convinced that the only two lesbians she knows—who are a couple—are just playing some sort of game and aren’t really into one another and are looking for husbands even though they live together and are raising a son… Yeah, shallow thinking. I wasn’t expecting much from here granted where and how she was raised (I’ll save the topic of my family for another post).

My parents, together, weren’t too accepting of me when I came out to them. I couldn’t really read them at the time and we never talked about it after that night. I was too surprised/shocked to bother with wondering about what they really thought and they were too confused. Why? Because I had said the word “bisexual”. They spent the majority of the time trying to figure out why I “was repulsed by men” (their words, not mine. I like men!) and it didn’t take me long to realize they didn’t believe bisexuality existed. I felt cornered with nowhere to go—at a loss—and there was no way I was going to tell them I was borderline asexual. I knew coming out to my parents needed to be handled swiftly and simply and I wasn’t going to complicate matters and prolong the event.

I haven’t really run into this topic again until coming to Duke. My roommate even explained to me her difficulty in grasping bisexuality when we discussed it and I’m not too sure she even believes that bisexuals exist. I sometimes wonder what she really thinks I am, but I don’t really care much. And then again, this hit me at the first BDU meeting, when Stranger-I-Didn’t-Know was asking those attending what they identified as. She asked if there were gays, lesbians, and transsexuals, (and probably more, but my memory is terrible) attending the meeting, leaving out bisexual. And then asked later, “Those who didn’t raise their hands, what do you identify as?” And then, it happened again this final time when a gay male friend of mine was talking to my roommate about homosexuality. His tirade about how “bisexuality was a choice”…

I don’t know. Maybe I’m looking too hard into this. It’s easier to notice (and perhaps extrapolate) prejudice when you fall into the minority. Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe others see the same opposition around and I should just ignore it. I’m not mad about their opinions and disbelief, just perplexed by it and curious as to whether other bisexuals have experienced the same thing; people constantly disregarding their sexuality. Whatever the case, I am what I am. I’m bisexual (for lack of a better blanket term); bisexuals do exist.

Queer women in literature: Virginia Woolf (1882-1941)

[Small spoiler note: I tried not to include any huge spoilers about the plot of Mrs. Dalloway, but I did include a few excerpts about the relationship between Clarissa and Sally Seton.]

This semester I decided to take my first English class at Duke, and so I signed myself up for “English131S: Topics in a Single British Author – Virginia Woolf”.

I have to admit that I signed up for the class because there was a single line in the syllabus that said we’d be discussing her views on sexuality. As someone who wrote openly about her relationships with women and men, Virginia Woolf has been retrospectively labeled as a bisexual author of the early 20th century. Our instructor, Professor Sarah Nuttall, confirmed this fact, noting that Woof’s relationships with women are extremely well documented, particularly one with Vita Sackville-West, a fellow English author and poet.

Both Vita Sackville-West and Virginia Woolf were members of a literary circle called the Bloomsbury Group, which discouraged sexual exclusivity. The two married women had a long romantic affair, and Woolf’s novel Orlando (1928) was later called “the longest and most charming love-letter in literature” (according to Vita Sackville-West’s son). Published in 1928, Orlando was considered one of her best novels and is a story about a young man who awakens one day to find himself in a woman’s body.

Anyone looking to read about lesbian, bisexual or transgender women in early 20th century literature should definitely consider giving Virginia Woolf a try. While she’s not the most accessible author (she drops key moments in her plots between parentheses and in the middle of long-winded descriptive paragraphs), her stylistic qualities make her worth all of the effort.

Having just finished Mrs. Dalloway for this class, I can easily say that Woolf’s depiction of the relationship between Clarissa Dalloway and Sally Seton is by far the most eloquent romantic relationship between two women that I have ever read about in fiction. Within the first thirty pages of the novel, the protagonist, Clarissa Dalloway remarks on her wondrous relationship with a woman:

“Yet [Clarissa] could not resist sometimes yielding to the charm of a woman, not a girl, of a woman confessing, as to her they often did. And whether it was pity, or their beauty, or that she was older-like a faint scent, or a violin next door (so strange is the power of sounds at certain moments), she did undoubtedly then feel what men felt. Only for a moment; but it was enough. It was a sudden revelation. Then, for that moment, she had seen an illumination."

When I first read this paragraph in Woolf’s novel, I was floored. I felt like I could have written this-not in terms of the quality, but the context. It seemed very similar to my own coming out experience, or perhaps anybody's:

"The strange thing, on looking back, was the purity, the integrity, of her feeling for Sally. It was not like one’s feeling for a man. It was completely disinterested, and besides, it had a quality which could only exist between women, between women grown up…the charm was overpowering, to her at least, so that she could remember standing in her bedroom at the top of the house holding the hot-water can in her hands and saying aloud, ‘She is beneath this roof…She is beneath this roof!'"

Perhaps something equally remarkable about Mrs. Dalloway, is that it was a best-seller. I had no idea that a novel published in England in 1925 with prominent same-sex romance throughout the work (5 of the main characters are implied to be LGBT) would be so well-received by the public at the time. Today the book is still immensely popular, making TIME magazine's 2005 Top 100 novels list. I have to wonder what kind of political or social undercurrents the novel might have brought with its publication, considering the equality it demands for same-sex romantic attraction:

"But nothing is so strange when one is in love (and what was this except being in love?) as the complete indifference of other people."

Equally exciting about the novel is that it is highly affirmative of same-sex relationships between women. The stereotypical portrayal of LGBTQ women in older literature is that if lesbians do exist (which they rarely do), one or both of them ends up depressed, desolate or dead. Nevertheless, Woolf’s portrayal of Clarissa Dalloway’s relationship with Sally is largely positive, perhaps more so even than any of Clarissa's relationships with men:

"All this was background for Sally. She stood by the fireplace, talking, in that beautiful voice which made everything she said sound like a caress. Suddenly she said, ‘What a shame to sit indoors!’ and they all went out on to the terrace and walked up and down. Peter Walsh and Joseph Breitkopf went on about Wagner."

And of course…it’s just beautifully depicted as well:

"She and Sally fell a little behind. Then came the most exquisite moment of her whole life passing a store urn with flowers in it. Sally stopped; picked a flower; kissed her on the lips. The whole world might have turned upside down! The others disappeared; there she was alone with Sally. And she felt that she had been given a present, wrapped up, and told just to keep it, not to look at it – a diamond, something infinitely precious, wrapped up, which, as they walked (up and down, up and down), she uncovered, or the radiance burnt through, the revelation, the religious feeling!"

Personally I think that if you want to read empowering literature about LGBTQ women in fiction, reading Virginia Woolf if you haven't already is a great idea. I had actually tried to read Mrs. Dalloway two different times before this class, and I always stopped by page 10 or 20 because she's really difficult to get into. ("Plot" isn't her main focus-description is.) For me, being in this class and knowing ahead of time that Woolf writes equally about same and opposite sex attraction was a huge motivator to get through the novel.

"But this question of love, this falling in love with women. Take Sally Seton; her relation in the old days with Sally Seton. Had not that, after all, been love?”

Anonymous Posts (9.13.10-9.19.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

So! Lots to talk about.

The post from last week is still down. This is because we are still organizing this review committee, and making sure that it is diverse as possible. Like I said in my last post, if you want to be a part of this, email bluedevilsunited@gmail.com. I think the goal will be more to develop concrete guidelines of community standards and respectful speech, than to review every comment or post we get. Ideally, a tone'll be set for the blog, and things'll get a lot easier from there.

With this said, and with the committee not formed yet, I'm going to be a little strict until then to be on the safe side. I think what I wrote captures just about everything I mean by respectful discourse, and what it entails for me. It would be superhelpful if Commenters could just try their best to speak from their own experiences, not make blanket statements about groups of people and especially entirely avoid derogatory language. As long and awesome as a comment may be except for an inappropriate part, I will probably employ a one-drop rule (which is a phrase that has its roots in the most racist, embarrassing times in American history and thus not The Most Appropriate Thing to use (Ever.), so sorry for not finding a better way to express this) when it comes to moderation.

Anyhow! Phew. That's out of the way and is something we'll never have to address again ever, #amiright?!

In other news the Center's first discussion group of the year is being held tonight at the Center from 7-8. I'm co-facilitating this, and more than anything I want a wide variety of people there. I know there are many LGBTQA people who would never come to the Center ever (many for ideological reasons), and as stupid and paradoxical and naive as this plea may be, I think their presence tonight would be really awesome. That is what this is for! Also, historically, the discussion group has been a venue for those who aren't out or don't feel comfortable with the visibility that comes with going to the Center, BDU events, etc. And it is still that, because confidentiality is pretty much The Most Important Thing tonight.

Anonymous posts for the week, yo.

#1

I love, love, LOVE this blog. that is all.

#2

The response at today's meeting to the harshness of typical cyber-banter elucidated what I felt was a crucial, underlying issue. Namely, making a negaitve post live took precendence to the issue of exaclty where the negativity originated. I mean, yes the blog post was catty. I probably would not have posted it either. That's why I'm posting today: here's my attempt to show that people who don't support the center are rational, thoughtful, human. We're just as gay as you are. Take this for what you wwill, but after having witnessed this for two years, now, I have something I really would like to say. I think it might even help, if you actually read it. Listen: I choose to be with straight AND gay people too, all the time, and not segregate myself from a population. I can be who I am without surrounding myself with others like me, or making it instantly obvious that I'm gay, or hanging a rainbow flag out of my window. I hate flags, anyway, of any sort; besides, gay people aren't a nation. I philophize and throw frisbees, I play an instrument and sing in the shower, I care deeply for the environment, I write and eat and dream; I do all of this, though, because I'm me and not because I'm gay. That's the problem, I feel with the center. It pretends to be something it shouldn't be: a way of life. I avoid the center because, frankly, I have too much work to waste time dressing up the act of trying to hook up with people. The "Center" is no more central to the lives of the large proportion of gay people you guys don't even know about than you are; it's all well and good that you guys like what you do, but stop. I don't like the center, I don't like seeing rainbow flags around campus, I don't like hearing my name called in absurdly flamboyant tones. Come out of your rainbow sized prisons; smell the fresh air, it's nice.

#3

I don’t even know where to start. First, I have to say that I am so happy that Duke has such a thriving and amazing LGBTQ community. Second, I hate to say that I truly wish I could be a part of it, but I honestly just don’t see myself doing this anytime soon. This is my first year at Duke and I couldn’t have picked a better school. I’m happy with my friends so far, content with the social life the university has provided, and I’m even enjoying (most) of my classes. I even have a girl chasing after me already … man, I think I would have an amazing life if I was straight.

First of all, I truly don’t think I would be writing this right now if it wasn’t for my ex-boyfriend, whom we had to break up due to the distance issue. I am not out to anyone except my best friend back home, my other best friend turned boyfriend turned ex-boyfriend, my two older siblings (although they still deny that I’m like this), and the people I meet when I venture out in gay clubs and other places back home. My ex and I had an amazing friendship; he came out to me September of senior year in high school, and I came out to him the following month. Feelings started to become attached to our friendship around April, and we started going out this past summer. Needless to say, I was heartbroken to have my both my best friend and my boyfriend torn from me all at once due to distance. We broke up, told each other the lovey-dovey crap, and went our separate ways. It was less than a week ago that he told me he had met this other guy and they had already done “things” together (we told each other we would tell each other everything even after breaking up). To put it lightly, it is very easy to find gay people in my hometown due to its size. I was devastated – I didn’t talk to him for four days … I couldn’t believe it was so easy for him to just move on like that. Here I am now, feeling confused, hopeless, and feeling so, so lonely even as I am surrounded by my peers on a constant basis.

I feel like I have nobody to talk to … I wish I could have that one friend over here that I could just tell all my problems to and they would understand me, not judge me, and I could just truly be myself. The thing is, everyone here assumes I’m straight. The way I act, the things I do, the way I talk … it’s all very “straight,” although I hate saying it like that because I’m not the type to generalize actions or people into categories. The fact that I make out with girls during certain parties and that girls like me doesn’t exactly help my situation either. Sometimes I wish I would behave a certain way so that people would just assume I’m gay. Don’t get me wrong, I actually do like kissing girls and having fun (although when it comes down to more sexual interactions, I’m really prude) … even though when I kiss a girl I close my eyes and imagine it’s a guy, and even more sadly, my ex-boyfriend.

I know that if I came out to some people I’d be that much closer to being happy, I just don’t know who. I know that the Center would help me a great bunch, even though I hope that I’m treated less like a patient and more like a human being, if I ever decide to get the balls to visit. I know what I should be doing, what I shouldn’t be doing … and I know what I’m doing is what I shouldn’t be doing and what I’m not doing is what I should be doing … but I don’t have the courage to step forward and be a man when it comes to this.

I’m just confused. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want to be happy. I just want to be free.

P.S. I’m very sorry this is so long, I definitely didn’t mean it to be this long. :/

Anonymous Posts: Part I (9.6.10-9.12.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Oh, ok.

So We went a week without anonymous posts last week, which we can just blame on FWOC and Tailgate, right Community? Right.

And then You were all like, "Let's send in more anonymous posts than ever this week and let's make them super interesting and fodder for The Most Conversation." And then you did.

We got nine entries this week, y'all. And some of these are superlong. So what I'm going to do is put up the first five (chronologically, as always) today, and the last four tomorrow? Is that ok? I feel like this'll help in making sure every post gets the attention it deserves and won't overwhelm Us with all the ! that is in these. I'm truly sorry if this offends the authors that are going up tomorrow.

I feel like this week is a good time to review some things as well: Our goal is to make sure that every post gets at least one response and the best thing we can do is speak from personal experience and frame it as such. Chris and Janie always stressed to me, too, that the best "advice" is to not tell somebody what to do, but to explore the options with them.

Anyhow. *deep breath* Let's do this.

#1

Although I’ve only been an official Duke grad student for a few weeks now, I am so grateful for how welcomed I have felt in my academic program and as a member of the general Duke community. I have been fortunate enough to have a great roommate and to have found several people with whom I have become quick friends. My experience thus far has been overwhelmingly positive, and I am happy, for the most part. That being said, I am not yet out to the majority of the new people I have met. I’ve only been out to my friends and family for a year and a half, and the prospect of coming out to people who barely know me is a bit daunting. There is a part of me that knows most people don’t care, and I vacillate between not worrying about how others will react and being terrified by their reactions. I suppose this is normal, but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. I am proud of who I am, most of the time. Being gay is simply one part of me, albeit an important one. I’m also a firm believer in being honest with people when I am ready, and this has served me well so far. At the same time, however, I’ve already encountered some awkward situations with people trying to set me up with guys. The most recent encounter resulted in me coming out to my roommate. I lucked out, because she seems fine with it, despite being completely surprised. But, I’m nervous about the other experiences I might have that may not end so well. I have a strong support system of friends and family, but they’re not physically here. So, if things don’t go so well, I don’t want to feel isolated in a new environment.

I want to become involved in the LGBT community here at Duke and meet other LGBT-identified people, but I realize that in order to do so, I must be comfortable with a certain level of visibility. I’m frustrated because I’m not sure I’m there yet. I’ve been reading this blog for several months now, and I give a lot of props to all of the contributors and readers who are so helpful and supportive of each other and the anonymous posters. I admire you for being so visible and comfortable. I hope my post is not completely out of place on an undergrad blog (it would be great if DukeOUT started something similar), but I wanted to share my concerns in the hopes that some of you could offer any advice on how to gradually transition to being more out in a new environment. Maybe one of these days I will be comfortable enough to introduce myself to all of you. Thanks for listening.

#2

I'm a girl. I started "questioning" not because I was attracted to another girl, but because I just wasn't ever attracted to any guys. I still don't find myself eyeing any guy (ever), but I also don't have any crushes on girls. I mean, sometimes I think "oh, he's cute/good looking," but I don't ever get that crush feeling. Similarly, for girls, I might think "oh, she looks good," but still no butterfly in the stomach nervous tension, etc. Can anyone else relate to this never-really-being-attracted-to-anyone ordeal? Is it what made you start questioning, too? How did you figure out how you identified if you didn't have any attraction to base it on?

#3

I've never done this before, so here it goes: I'm a Senior at Duke, and I have a big secret that only one person knows. She told me it might help me get it off my chest and like rant about it a little if I could do it anonymously. Apparently you guys are gonna hear me out no matter how fucking stupid I sound? Anyway, so the big secret is that I'm gay. Even though saying it here doesn't really count because it's basically anonymous, I have to say that it feels really good to just say it a few times. Like, I'm still at a point where I'm grossed out that this is who I've become, but she says that the more I say it proudly, the better it will feel. I've never told anyone except her before because of all the obvious social constraints: my parents wouldn't allow it, I have a girlfriend I've dated for awhile now, and I'm in a fraternity at Duke that kind of puts us all on a pedestal as the best fraternity to be in and so on. We're supposed to look good and fuck girls and play around because we can. And I do. I do all of that shit and I'm sort of lying the whole time you know, getting through it, and there's not a single guy there who would get it. Why would they? Because I know what we say about guys and what we call each other: all that shit about stuff being "no homo" and how so and so is a "fag" because he does this or that. We just rag on each other and I know it's wrong to talk like that, but now it's like it's even more wrong because I wonder how they'd talk about me if they knew? Like, if they knew that some of them really piss me off calling some kid a fag because he couldn't drink the handle, would they start calling me a fag too because I like guys, even though I could at least drink the whole damn handle? I'm still the fucking man right? I get freaked out because realizing I'm gay - realizing I've hooked up with guys drunkenly and enjoyed it, realizing I've done more than just experiment, realizing girls just don't get me hot or turn me on - doesn't make me any less of a guy does it? Like I still want to drink and play ball and "bro out" but now it's so fucking confusing because some of my brothers really are chill guys and I need that kind of thing in my life. If they found out I was gay, they wouldn't want me around anymore because that's fucking weird. And then I think about the gay stuff I've done with some other guys in the frat - I wonder if they liked it, too, or if they're weirded out just as much as I am or if they think it was like a one time deal and that it'd be weird of me to suggest it ever happening again. I've been at this school for four fucking years and I only have one person I can be honest with? And the person I'm honest with isn't even myself. It's my friend. When I tell her I'm gay, I believe it but when I tell myself I'm gay, I keep trying to come up with all these reasons why I might not be - or at least - why I shouldn't be. At this point in college I've missed out on any opportunity to be honest about this and maybe meet some other gay guys who see where I'm at, so what's the point in coming out of the closet now? I'll lose my whole social life and basically everything I've built here at Duke. Writing anonymously is kind of my only option. So that's what I'm trying to do right now: be honest with myself and I guess with all you other people reading. The point is that I'm gay. I'm not gay in the way my brothers mean the word -I'm not weak and I'm not weird. I'm just gay. I like guys. And I'm really, really afraid.

(You who encouraged me to write this post, you know who you are. I'm sorry I can't take a bigger step but I appreciate you being there at this one. You're my best friend and you know that)

#4

Hi! I'll be honest - I have never met a gay person. I know it sounds shocking, but I'm not from America, and homosexuality is neither common nor embraced in my country. I also admit that I’ve not gone out of my way to meet any member of any LGBT community, whether it be the tiny one back home or the thriving one here. (For that reason I also apologise if I say anything un-PC in this post – believe me, it will be a completely honest mistake.)

However, now I want to. I’m a straight girl, and I have a boyfriend. I really don’t see that changing any time soon. However, part of why I came to Duke was to experience new things, meet new people and forge friendships I would probably never have at home. I’ve been reading the blog regularly for about a year, and I want to go down to the LGBT center some time, just to have a look around and, I dunno, check it out.

When is a good time to go? Do I just show up? Will people automatically assume I’m a lesbian? (I just feel like that might create a little awkwardness.) What would I do there? I’m scared that my naivety when it comes to the LGBT culture will cause me to say something totally insensitive and mess up and offend someone.

#5

I have been stuck between a rock and a hard place during my first two weeks at Duke.

I love Duke. I love the atmosphere; I love the new friends I've made. I love my classes, even. (I'm a nerd, so it all plays well with each other). Sure, the work can be stressful, but I've always had stress to perform well in high school, so now it's just the ol' bump and grind.

On the other hand, I've had to make this tough mental and psychological transition from my home to Duke. See, I am not too open about being gay. I mean, I’m way more open than I was a year ago as I just started coming out to my friends this past spring, but I am still hesitant to tell people that I am gay unless they ask me, with which I properly respond. I am gay, and I am comfortable with that fact. And I am comfortable around others, even with those who don't know I'm gay. But I am finding myself being quite socially awkward amongst my peers.

I've been at Duke for three weeks. I have not been out to West on a Friday or Saturday night.

I feel like my social awkwardness impedes me in making friends and being in more open situations to meet people. Well, in my mind, I don’t find it to be awkwardness. I find it as me being myself. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and I don’t “party.” But I feel like that’s what everyone does, especially my gay peers and it’s difficult for me to come out of my comfort zone in those situations. I am obviously trying to meet new people, but the media through which I am meeting people is not deep enough to form strong bonds and friendships, if you know what I mean.

My first boyfriend and I ended our relationship before we both went to our respective universities because we knew that distance would be an issue and we needed to meet new people and gain new perspectives. It was only a summer relationship, but it taught both of us what was required for a relationship to work. Obviously I miss him a lot, and when I try and meet new people, maybe find “dating material,” if you will, I think about what we had.

And I miss that.

I miss the relationship I had with a person who was a good friend who could tell me that he loved me and mean it. I miss the text messages we would send 24/7 when we didn’t see each other. And now that I am here and I don’t have that, I crave it. My cravings for a relationship have put me in a sour mood for some of my time while I’ve been at Duke because I have been unsuccessful with starting another consequent relationship.

Yes, I’ve only been here for three weeks, so why don’t I just put the brakes on first and slow down, have fun, and get a routine going first before we even start to think about a relationship?

I have some pretty mad insecurities and self-image problems that I feel need to be fixed or suppressed, and my first boyfriend did that for me. He made me feel better about myself. Without him, I feel those personal problems seeping back into my life when now is not a good time for those issues.

When I meet somebody here who I suspect is gay, I am afraid to take the next step, in fear that upon first look, I will turn him off. Therefore, I often don’t even make the attempt.

But back to the point: Why do I have these self-image problems and insecurities? Why can’t I stop them, and do I really need a boyfriend to fix those?

The answers: I sure as hell don’t know, ditto, and no, but it would make me feel better.

If I keep a more optimistic attitude, then I should be okay, but the issue is brushing off the pessimism in my brain to welcome the optimism. I’m working on that with little avail.

To wrap this up, because I know it’s too long already, I want to say that the chocolate fountain social was the first step I’ve taken to boost my confidence, reach out of my comfort zone, and meet more people with whom I share a common interest (yes, that interest would be guys). I thank BDU and the LGBT Center for reaching out and accepting me as a member with open arms, because I don’t know where else I could get such a reception. With a little, or a lot, of work, I can truly actualize who I am.

I am gay. I am human.

Duke is so Gay. As It Should Be.

I was in London for six weeks this summer, doing the Duke in London – Drama program, and I had a thrilling and wonderful time. I recommend it to everyone, regardless of your major or experience with theater. I learned so much about England, the US and myself. I’m inspired to be more proactive about my Theater Studies major and theatrical career. I made new, fabulous friends. I had the time of my life. Big plus: so many out LGBTQ individuals and couples around London. Like whoa. My people were everywhere – at the grocery store, at the theater, on the bus, on the Underground. It was amazing. Still, I was ready to return to a life of routine and belonging at Homes 1 and 2. It’s great to be back at Home 2, Duke.

As I’ve adjusted to West Campus and reunited with my friends, I’ve fallen even further in love with this place. The magic is back, with some added flavor thrown in. I began serving as a First-Year Advisory Counselor (FAC), so between that and the [far too many] organizations I am involved in I’ve met a good number of people in this big and bright new class. Welcome, 2014!

Something particularly relevant to this blog, and you readers, is the growth of the LGBT community. The Center for LGBT Life and its constituent groups have had record-breaking interest, which I think is a result of the greater number of out upperclassmen and impressive number of out first-years. There have also been SO many straight allies excited to get involved. Every single day since I arrived on West two-and-a-half weeks ago, I’ve been approached by an ally with “How do I get involved with BDU?” “When can I get a Love=Love t-shirt?” “I love the posters you guys have up!” Duke is so gay. And I love it.

Anonymous Posts (8.30.10-9.5.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

So we didn't get any anonymous posts this week, which is kind of very :(. On the other hand, it's kind of impressive that this is the first time this has happened since January. When we took over the blog in November there had been 12 anonymous posts in its 11 month life. As of today, we've gotten 117.

But, like, let's have a thousand anonymous posts this week to compensate.

In other news! This Wednesday is the Center's Chocolate Fountain Social in Trinity Cafe (next to the Marketplace). This is always packed and a great time. And Friday night is BDU's first Fall dance party, which I'm also superlookingforward to.

See you there, Community.

Anonymous Posts (8.23.10-8.29.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Sorry for the late post, y'all. I've been spending all day fixing my schedule, which includes "Steel." Of course. No duh. Normal college stuff. I also, in my first task as a Center employee helped piece together The Center's weekly email (check your inboxes, Community!). It was not very easy! Props to Chris Purcell (NVR 4GET) for doing it all those years.

So much to discuss re: this semester. More on that later, I just want to get these posts up ASAP. See you at the Welcome Reception, great to be back, comment on the posts, etc, etc.

#1

"I just wish that there was more variety in the images America sees. I don’t know any Antoine Dodsons but I do know quite a few gay black men who would give Will Truman from Will & Grace a run for his money in both wealth and career achievement, and I would certainly love to see a few of those types as a gay character in a drama or sitcom, or a real-life type in a reality show.

While I have no issue with Antoine Dodson, I hate that his over the top, neck-swinging sassiness, as real as it is for him, represents the current status quo for almost all black gay images in the media."

http://www.afterelton.com/bg20something/antione-dodson-conundrum

#2

Seeing the "Love=Love" shirts when I visited Duke convinced me to come to here. This blog makes me feel more confident in my decision and more pumped for college each time I visit. Thanks for being rad.

#3

I don't feel comfortable with the term "gay". It's probably because it's a category with a lot of connotations that I'm not comfortable with. I don't want to label myself as gay. That's why I haven't "come out". Why do I need to come out? Is it just the people who are attracted to the same sex that need to come out? They have to announce their sexuality? bring the bad news to their parents that for whatever reason their kid is queer? Can't I just go about my life without coming out? Sure I feel this weight on my chest. I wish it were undiagnosable anxiety. But it's just the stress from bottling up the truth about my sexuality. I suppose coming out would relieve that? But I don't want to...

I'm more offended by the term "straight". That implies that preferring the same sex is crooked--somehow wrong or abnormal.

I wish I had been more confident with my sexuality at Duke. I would have gotten more sleep, maybe. To the people I had crushes on I would hint, passively, my interest. There were only two people, really. One sophomore year. One junior (and senior) year. Too bad neither of them drank. All my sexual encounters involved somebody drunk and (pretending to be) sleeping.

I feel like some of my friends know my sexual preference. They must, right? I make cryptic, subtle hints about it. I don't date or hook up with people.

The closest I've come to the LGBT center was to get my hair cut.

My mom talks about turning our old bedroom into a guest room for when we visit with our wife and kids, or serious girlfriend.

I'm intrigued by "you people" on campus. You "Community" people. I want to interact with you. Or I wanted to. But I guess I missed a lot of chances to do a lot of things.

Would my parents think differently of me? My sibling? My sibling would. My sibling can be a bit bigoted at times. My Republican aunt, uncles and cousins might think differently. My grandmother might. A lot of my friends wouldn't. The people I work with wouldn't.

I feel bad leading girls on. I dated a girl once. After we made out the evening of our first date I felt no sexual desire. But we dated for a month so I could tell people when I went home for Fall Break that I had a girlfriend. I broke up with her and I didn't consider how she felt.

I was attracted to girls before puberty. I had genuine crushes on girls. I saw one girl I had a crush on in 9th grade without a shirt on (just a bra). And I was attracted to her. But then something happened, I guess. Maybe when I started masturbating. I've only been sexually attracted to one girl since then. That was 12th grade. And nothing came of that. Unrequited crush.

What about kids? I want kids. And a family. And a big dining room table. How can I have that??

If I were still a student I'd take one of my free CAPS visits and talk to someone, maybe. I used 3 of them over the years, but of course wouldn't tell a therapist the truth of my sexuality. Now I might.

I wrote it down and sealed it in an envelope and wrote "burn before reading". I did that a few weeks ago. I opened it and read it.

I don't know what to do. What could someone possibly say to make me---make me be open and honest about my sexuality? I feel like I've heard it all before.

Welcome!

[Ed Note: Oli is the incomparable president of Blue Devils United this year, and with the rest of the executive board has put together a very awesome, very packed schedule for the Fall. Community, let's do this.]

Can you believe it? Summer is finally over. You can feel the energy that everyone has arriving on campus - either for the very first time, or returning back to the Gothic Wonderland. It’s a whole new year, a fresh start, full of possibility.

To the Class of 2014 - welcome to Duke. Whether you're a regular reader of this blog or here for the very first time, we're so glad you stumbled upon it. We really can’t overstate how excited we are to have you all here. It is the coolest thing to see all the new faces on campus, to see how eager you all are to get involved in the multitude of things that make this campus such a fantastic place to be. We can’t wait to meet all of you!

Starting college is a big transition for anyone and can be especially difficult for those who are questioning or grappling with their identity. The great thing is though that you’re not alone – there are a huge number of people who have had similar experiences and who are more than willing to share their perspectives and advice. We have a really strong LGBTQ community here at Duke. It’s made up of amazing people, from all different backgrounds and walks of life. It’s a community that looks out for one another and in which some incredibly strong friendships have been forged. No matter who you are, how you identify, or where you’re from, we welcome you with open arms. And we love straight allies - you are all an incredibly important part of this community as well. You needn’t have ever been involved in LGBTQ activism or anything related to the LGBTQ community before either. Many of the people now involved with Blue Devils United (BDU) weren’t out in high school. But I can safely say, that for many of those people, including myself, getting involved the LGBTQ community and BDU was one of the best things they’ve ever done at Duke. We really hope it will be for you too.

I would also strongly recommend just stopping by the LGBT Center sometime to say hi. If you haven’t met the Director of the Center, Dr. Janie Long yet, then you should - she is one of the most amazing people on this campus. As well as being a fantastic, kind person with a wicked sense of humor, Dr. Long is an incredible resource and mentor. She is always happy to help students with whatever issues they may be having, to give advice, or just to lend an open ear. Her email is janie.long@duke.edu.

For those who are new, BDU is Duke’s undergraduate LGBTQ organization. We descend from a long line of groups, going all the way back to 1972 when the first gay advocacy group was formed on campus. Our mission is to promote a Duke that is more accepting and open - a Duke where people feel secure in expressing their true identities. To this end, we are an activist voice advocating for LGBTQ issues both within Duke and beyond. We also host a wide range of social events to facilitate and strengthen a sense of community on campus.

This year is going to be absolutely fantastic. There's so much do and to get involved with over the next few weeks, but I know that we're up for the challenge and ready to take Duke by storm! Our first BDU meeting of the year will be held on Wednesday, September 1st at 6:30PM in the Duke Center for LGBT Life. This is right after the LGBT Welcome Reception, also hosted in the Center from 4-6 PM that same day. The Center is in 02 West Union, located directly below The Loop restaurant. It can be reached either through the lower level corridor of the West Union, or via the stairs from the Bryan Center Plaza. We have SO much exciting stuff to discuss and info on opportunities to get involved, including:

• Our Repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell soldier campaign
• Outreach to local area GSAs and high schools
• Homecoming in conjunction with the Duke LGBT Network
• The North Carolina Pride Parade (NC Pride is, like past years, being held right here at Duke and in Durham, on Saturday September 25th. Duke has always had one of the most colorful (and fabulous) floats and it's going to be a lot of fun again this year.)
• Coming Out Day
• The Triangle Collaboration Initiative LGBT Retreat, being held on the weekend of November 5th to 7th at Camp Don Lee in Arapahoe, NC. This leadership retreat brings together students from several of the Triangle-area colleges, including Duke, UNC-Chapel Hill and NC State.
• The Fall Charity Drag Show
• And much more!

PLUS!

On Friday, September 10th, BDU will be hosting the first Fall LGBT Dance Party to welcome the new Class of 2014! It's gonna be an awesome night of music, food, dancing and great company! Stay tuned for more details, and if you'd like to help with preparations, email me at oww@duke.edu

AND!

This year, the theatre studies department is doing The Laramie Project, an award-winning play about the reaction to the murder of gay Wyoming teen Matthew Shepard in 1998. Auditions will be held on September 1st and 2nd, from 5 to 8PM in Sheafer Theatre,, with callbacks on September 3rd. Those interested should prepare a 1 to 2 minute monologue from a contemporary piece. There will be sign ups for auditions next Wednesday at the LGBT Center's Welcome Reception from 4 to 6PM. For more information contact Miriam Sauls at mmsauls@duke.edu.

Additionally, BDU will be tabling at the Fall 2010 Student Activities Fair next Friday, September 3rd, from 4 to 6PM out on the East Campus Quad. The Student Activities Fair showcases all of the student-run groups, organizations and club sports on campus and is the perfect place to sign up and get involved. Look out for us there and come up and say hi! We’ll definitely have one of the more colorful tables :) For any sophomores, juniors or seniors who want to help table for the Fair, please email me at oww@duke.edu.

So get pumped, tell your friends, roommates, acquaintances and pets - we can't wait to see you all there at 6:30PM on Wednesday :) I almost forgot the most important thing - there’ll be free food! (And a surprise!)

Anonymous Posts (8.16.10-8.22.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Being back on campus is, like, totally great. The LGBT Center student staff (Michelle, Megan, Jack, Justin, and I) and Janie went on a retreat this weekend to discuss fall programming and responsibilities and such. As you can imagine, it was more or less (more) The Most Awesome Time. In addition to the standard events (Chocolate Fountain Social, Welcome Reception, Fab Fridays, The NC Parade, Coming Out Day, etc.) we've got a couple other things up our sleeve which are obviously going to be tons of fun and interesting and insightful and tons of fun. I'm in charge of Transgender Day of Remembrance this November, which I'm excited about. I'm looking to mix it up a bit this year and, you know, just make Duke the most PROGRESSIVE school ever.

The NC Parade (which Justin Harris is in charge of) and Coming Out Day (which Megan Weinand is organizing) are going to need a lot of help, so let them know if when you're free.

First-years move in tomorrow! Supercool. If we extrapolate the trend we've seen with incoming classes over the past four or so years, the Class of 2014 is 97% LGBT.

And by boat, he means HUGS.

#1

Just thought you guys should know that this blog is part of the reason why I chose Duke. <3

#2

You're a beautiful man. You're so talented; your soul runs deep. And you ain't hard on the eyes either. I'm glad I knew you.

Love,

MP

PS-Come out, come out wherever you are and get happy!

Homophobia Strikes Out in the Golden Baseball League

I have a serious academic interest in sport and in this column I’ll be highlighting current events, sharing resources, reflecting on complex issues and sharing athlete’s stories among other things. For more about me, you can read my first post, here. Please feel free to email me with thoughts or if you come across something you’d like me to include on the blog.

I’m back from an absolutely amazing nine weeks in Colorado. I made several mental notes throughout the summer and hope to write a commentary on the (more-positive-than-I-could-have-even-dreamed-of) dynamics and attitudes that I encountered. First, though, I want to write about this story that appeared as the “cover story” on msn.com the day I got home.

On July 31st, Billy Van Raaphorst was an umpire for the Golden Baseball League (GBL) game between the Edmonton Capitals and the Orange County Flyers. In the first inning Bowers disagreed with a call made at first base. For the second day in a row, Van Raaphorst ejected Bowers from the game. After being thrown out for his antics (he reportedly rolled up his sleeves and mocked Van Raaphorst with a “gun show”), Bowers began screaming homophobic remarks at Van Raaphorst, who identifies as gay. “You know what I heard? I heard you’re a f---ing f----t." Bowers continued, yelling derogatory language and even “acting out” an offensive scene (I’m sparing the details; you can read about the rest here).

The GBL immediately suspended Bowers for two games and fined him an additional $500. Unsatisfied with this judgment, umpires from all over the league demanded that the league come down harder. They even threatened to strike. Following an investigation, which concluded August 6th, the league moved to suspend Bowers for the rest of the season and increased the fine to a $5,000 penalty. Soon thereafter, Bowers resigned. The Capitals have also announced that all of their employees will undergo mandatory diversity training.

The rest of Van Raaphorst’s personal story illustrates how being in the closet often negatively affects one’s sports performance:

Billy Van Raaphorst grew up in a sports-charged environment. His dad played in the NFL and both his brothers played football in college. Billy also played college football until he suffered a career ending injury during his senior season. The whole time that he was growing up and even as he continued to play football at a Division I level, Van Raaphorst yearned to be behind home plate in a major league stadium. His career ending injury gave him the perfect opportunity to break away from his family’s legacy of football and pursue his passion for calling balls and strikes. He graduated No. 1 in his class from “the Harvard of umpiring,” the Harry Wendelstedt Umpire School. Working his way up through the ranks of the minor leagues, Van Raaphorst made it to the double-A level in 2001. Van Raaphorst, who says he knew he was gay “pretty much all [his] life” but had never “acted on it” before, went to his first gay bar and had his first relationship with another man around this same time. Subsequently, things started going poorly for him as an umpire. He dropped to being 27th in the rankings and then was 45th (of 47). He wasn’t out to his colleagues, so he lied about his post-game plans and tried to ignore his coworkers’ questions about who he was seeing. By 2002 he was released from the minor leagues. He wanted to fight his release in 2002, but he says he was discouraged by family members and friends who “didn’t want all of the attention that would’ve brought.” He’s learned a lot since then and regrets ending his first relationship because he was scared and not coming out. Now? He refuses to ever make those mistakes again.

"I don’t make decisions out of fear anymore. I try to make fearless decisions now.”

Something we should all aspire to do.

Now, for a few scattered thoughts:

1. Serious kudos to the umpires who threatened to strike over this. Seriously. I’m so impressed that they took it so seriously and really saw it as an injustice and a threat to a safe working environment. The league had already “dealt” with it and there was no reason (excluding injustice, of course) that they had to intervene. That they did so on their own volition is HUGE. Call me an optimist, but while some may see this whole incident as evidence for the “sad state of sports,” as Jason Whitlock does, I can’t overlook the evidence of progress as demonstrated by the courage of these umpires.
2. I was utterly shocked to read what Bowers said (and did) in its entirety. I know that homophobia is out there and I know that it can get “really ugly.” But I’ve never seen it or even read about a recent incident which went to the level that Bowers did.
3. In an interview since the incident, Bowers said that “I didn’t care that (Van Raaphorst) was gay…My mom works with a lot of gay hairdressers and I joke around those guys all the time. My cousin, she’s a lesbian. It doesn’t matter to me, as long as people are happy.”
   
   I don’t know what all of this means 100%. Is this like the “I can’t be racist, I have a black friend” mentality? And what does he mean to imply by saying that he jokes around with his mom’s colleagues? It sort of seems to suggest that in his mind he was “just joking” and that Van Raaphorst just didn’t get it. Which, given the explicit nature of his comments and actions, is just ridonculous.
4. It isn’t really clear to me whether Van Raaphorst was released from his position as an umpire because his performance declined (presumably due to being in the closet and having to exert so much energy to stay there) or if he believes that it was some sort of homophobic firing decision (though he did not come out to any of them, he believes that other umpires found out he was gay since they all started incessantly questioning him about his romantic life).
5. Also kudos to msn.com for featuring this story on their home page. Another sign of progress, if you ask me.

Spreading the Love(=Love)

I recently returned from summer classes in Vermont, and I am so thrilled to be back in queer Durham, in my haus/zoo, and of course, the LGBT Center (there are new chairs!)

This summer was so transformative for me. I am so much more comfortable with my body, my sexuality, and my goals for the future. I know all of the gushy goodness gets sickening sometimes, but I spent way too long being sad. And with all the great things happening this year in Durham and at Duke, I can hardly contain my excitement. Folks, we have so much work to do!

I don’t know if you’ve heard about Womyn. But I hope you know that Megan, Jack and I will not stop harassing your Facebooks, this blog, your dorm rooms, your friends, your plaza, etc, until it is finished.

Also, some really, really super news. There is a new free bus called the Bull City Connector that goes from Duke all the way into Golden Belt! Don’t know what Golden Belt is? Well that’s proof that you don’t get off campus enough.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW QUEER DURHAM IS?! It’s soooo queer. You’re missing out on so much! So I hope to keep all of you informed as best as I can about the goings-on in town, because it is absolutely worth it.

To continue my excitement, The Pinhook has now changed its regulations to be 18 and up! There are constant queer things and dance parties and all kinds of goodness that you should investigate.

Some events coming up:

Queerbaret on August 20th, for those of you in town.

This weekend is also the Queerrilla Film Festival! Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Come out and support the love.

Also, a shameless plug for my partner’s show this Sunday at the Pinhook.

I’m not sure if you can tell, but I’m very excited for my friendlies to come home and explore with me. If you’re apprehensive about this semester, I think my enthusiasm is contagious, so you can come play with my kitties and eat cookies.

Much love, anticipation to see the oldies and meet the newbies, hope for a better year and a growing community of support and affection,

Summ

Anonymous Posts (8.9.10-8.15.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Moving in on Thursday, y'all. Let's do this.

#1

Looking back, there are a lot of things I did wrong at Duke. I was quite messed up mentally so I didn't take advantage of a lot of the things it has to offer. All this consider, the one thing I regret (though I don't like to use that word) the most is that I wasn't gay sooner at Duke. I really wish I came out earlier when I was there. :)

10 things (LGBTQA style)

[Note: Reply and add your own ideas to the list!]

Wow, so freshman orientation starts in less than 2 weeks! I remember that crazy-hot week like it was yesterday. If you're an incoming student, and you are anything like me, you're really excited, super nervous and generally unsure of what college is "really" like.

So, I don't even pretend to have college figured out (just ask my Physics 54L professor), but I wanted to come up with a short list of the things that I wish I would have known as an incoming student and lesbian woman. (I'm not sure I would have even listened to this at the time, but it would have helped.)

10 things I wish I would have known coming to Duke as a freshwoman (LGBTQA style):

10. Being out on campus from the very beginning might have been a lot easier (than coming out two years later).

9. Going to the LGBT Center does not automatically define or label you one way or the other. Going to the LGBT Center means you are going to the LGBT Center.

8. People in college are generally more liberal and accepting than the people back home.

7. Taking a LGBTQ-studies class won’t help you find a date (well, it didn’t help this author at any rate), but it can help you feel more comfortable about talking about sexuality in general. The same would go for a Women's Studies or Sexuality course. (The class is Psych 143S: "Clincal Issues in LGBTQ" taught in the spring, in case you're interested!)

6. Going to CAPS to talk about being LGBT might just be one of the best decisions you make.

5. The North Carolina LGBT Pride march happens off of Duke's East campus September 25th.

4. Straight allies can be just as active in the LGBT Center as those who identify as queer (sometimes more active!).

3. The world doesn't explode when you walk through the Center doors, and black holes don't suddenly appear. Also (this refers to me, maybe not the reader), you're really not that interesting, so crowds of people aren't watching you enter either.

2. Get to know Janie Long and Peg Helminski.

1. Coming out on Facebook is a great decision if you’re up for it. Just block your Aunt/Uncle/Cousin/Grandmother/other family-you’re-not-out-to-yet, and tell them college got “too hard” to keep up with Facebook. (College life and home life intersect in a weird way on the internet sometimes.)

And... the one thing I wouldn't have bothered to tell myself, because I know I had to learn this on my own, and in my own way:

0. No one here (who is anybody) really cares.
About, well, you know.

Book Review: City of Night

"Later I would think of America as one vast City of Night stretching gaily from Times Square to Hollywood Boulevard - jukebox-winking, rock-n-roll moaning: America at night fusing its dark cities into the unmistakable shape of loneliness." - City of Night

One of my favorite things about summer is actually having the time to read for pleasure. (My least favorite thing is having all of your belongings stolen in an aiport, but that's another story). Like many college students, I was an eager consumer of literature during my childhood, though this passion was inevitably pushed out first by the demands of school, and then college as I grew older. I'm not one of those people who can read books in snippets either, prefering rather to knock them off in big chunks. So I've really come to appreciate the time available during the warmer months that I can devote to reading.

The most recent book that I've read is called City of Night, by the American writer John Rechy. Published in 1963, it is considered one of the seminal classics of LGBTQ literature, being one of the first novels to explore the underworld of 1960s LGBTQ culture, and the many-faceted characters that inhabited it. City of Night chronicles the journey of the unnamed main character, a young Hispanic man, as he travels across the US from his birthplace of El Paso to the various 'Cities of Night' referenced in the title - New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Chicago and New Orleans. Working as a 'youngman' (the word Rechy uses for hustler throughout the book), he encounters the full gamut of characters in the cladestine LGBTQ world - the scores, tricks, lesbians, drag queens and closeted guilt-wracked husbands among many others.

Rechy's writing is vivid, describing every detail of the main character's various interactions in an immersive stream-of-consciousness manner. Each of the chapters are devoted to the relationship between the young man and one particular player in the underworld's drama. The fastidiousness with which Rechy illustrates these individuals leaves no doubt that they are based on real people - especially since Rechy lent much of his background to the main character. Deliberate grammatical errors and idiosyncratic word choice further the envelopment of the reader into the Night City world. All of this adds up to an story that is hugely engrossing thanks in large part to its credibility.

City of Night fascinated me, not least because it gave such an unflinching look into the realities of the LGBTQ underworld of 1960s America. With the hindsight of the AIDS era, the promiscuity of the main players seems shocking, and throughout the book the knowledge of what was to come in the 1980s hangs heavy. I found myself wondering, more than once, whether I would have coped as a young gay male, born just a few decades earlier. The sense of guilt and confusion felt by the characters in the book is instantly recognizable, as is the unfulfilled voyage of trying to understand one's identity, which so many LGBTQ people still go through today.

I would really encourage everyone to read City of Night if they have the chance, not just for its historical narrative on LGBTQ culture, but also for its musings on identity and our place in the world. Or if not this book, definitely make use of the time remaining before classes start to enjoy some other great novel (oh look, now I sound like a librarian). The Duke LGBT Center also has a huge library of books which are sadly under-utilized (and no I don't include in this The Joy of Gay Sex - Volume III). I'd also encourage everyone to make use of this fantastic library, which has some real gems that would be really difficult to find elsewhere.

Enjoy the last week or two of summer!

City of Night
Rechy, John
1963, Grove Press
ISBN 978-0-28563-837-2

The Gay Disease

I always thought of AIDS as a “gay disease.” Whenever I went to a site for LGBT youth, I would see a prominent sexual health section with information about HIV/AIDS. This was my first sexual education, other than questions my parents answered (one being “What is oral sex?”) I recieved decent, though heteronormative, sexual education in middle school. I learned about STDs through pictures in my high school’s health class. I watched a memorable video about abstinence in religion class. (Its message against cohabitation and reasonable defense of waiting till marriage has stuck with me, it's line that "condom's are a joke" did not.) If I heard about AIDS in school sex education, it was presented the same way as LGBT issues. As in: We know that some of yall are LGBT or might have experience with HIV/AIDS, but we don’t have time to cover everything. You’re on your own.

The secrecy surrounding HIV/AIDS determined me to find out more. I tried to volunteer at the San Antonio AIDS Foundation (SAAF) in middle school. By then I was aware of my LGBT identity and had connected HIV/AIDS to it. I was too young. In the middle of high school, I donated a fraction of my birthday money to SAAF. By senior year I had participated in a variety of service projects to fill my school requirement, none of which had any effect on me. I contacted the SAAF again. After a brisk training (watching dated anti-sexual harassment and fire safety videos) I was a volunteer. The rest of the story is what college admission essays are made of.

I volunteered at the SAAF for only seven hours, including training. I popped into the SAAF less than an hour a week for a semester. I realized that service isn’t all making copies and playing with dogs at the pound. I couldn’t stomach this kind of service for very long. My main task was serving food to people on the verge of death. Most either spoke in inanities accompanied by inappropriate expression or looked permanently terrified.

One man was lucid enough to be my friend. My Catholic school uniform put him at ease. I was an innocent receptacle of his recycled stories. I reminded him of his youth: playing baseball, his first girlfriend. This man, like many of the people at SAAF, was black. This wouldn’t be significant except that since I lived on the Northside of San Antonio and went to Catholic school, seeing a black person was an unusual event. The only time I saw more than a couple of black people at once was at the SAAF. I stopped volunteering for a couple weeks. When I returned, I didn’t see my wheel-chair bound friend in the dining hall. His obituary, along with many others, was in a glass case. Growing up, I was sheltered from death. Other than my great-grandparents and opa, I didn’t personally know dead people. As a kid, I thought that the death of these ancient relatives was inevitable, a non-event. This man seemed healthy. His death seemed sudden, though I knew it was years in the making.

I have other memories of the SAAF. Wheeling a man to the outside porch so he could smoke. I put the wrong side of the cigarette in his mouth. I ashed and lit for him too because his hands didn’t work. He was good-natured and gracious. We had a functional, though mundane, conversation. I fed another man who kept repeating that he liked black guys. I told him I liked them too, sheepishly trying to hide my discomfort. Another man had the stoic face and tattoos of a contraband leader. The nurse ordered him in Spanish to open wide so I could spoon food into his mouth. I went once to a patient's room. It was dark except for a minature TV perched on a tall shelf. Her bed was lined with pictures of family, friends, and what I assumed was the healthy patient. My hands shook as I spooned the food. This woman had one expression (terror in the face of death) and four words (the food is good.) I took it for granted that her and I could never be friends, could never have a conversation.

All these experiences led me to believe that AIDS wasn’t what you saw in Rent. It killed people, yes, but it also took away their brains and marked their bodies. It forced them to tell old stories and watch TV all day. It made them the antithesis of sexy. Due to advances in medication, people newly infected can escape this fate with enough money or public assistance. Yet the regimen is exacting, the stigma still acute.

I admitted in my previous post that I am no sexual health saint. I do what I can to stay safe and keep up to date on my facts. I won’t engage in certain sexual behaviors. I try to keep my partner count low. In line with my Catholic education, I err on the side of prudishness and serial monogamy.

As most people know, when I came to Duke I became trained as an HIV counselor. (Don’t worry; I don’t remember what people tell me in my sessions.) I was terrified at first of giving positive results. I thought the person would be angry with me. I have since realized that I am still the innocent girl in the Catholic school uniform. I didn’t give anyone the disease. I still listen to stories, but now I can help people avoid life as a hospice patient.

Some of my fellow counselors are black women. Some of them, like me, made it clear that their identity was why they got involved with Know Your Status. I’m not going to naively say that HIV/AIDS will bring together the LGBT and black communities, but it is an opportunity.
A couple days ago I watched a movie called The New Age of HIV/AIDS, which focused on North Carolina. I learned a lot about the spread of HIV/AIDS on college campuses and in rural areas. I was ecstatic to learn that research is being done at Duke that might lead to a vaccine within 15 years.

I care about HIV/AIDS because I’m gay. While HIV/AIDS is not a gay disease it is woven deep inside of the gay community. I believe no one should be alienated from the sexual health information they need. Condoms, lube or dental damns (I plan on stocking up), information about the risk of certain behaviors or the disease itself are available on campus. An LGBT sexual health related event is in the works for this coming year. I don’t know what it’s like to be personally affected by the disease. But I have seen HIV/AIDS kill people, and I have seen people narrowly escape it.

For reasons I don't understand, sex is endowed with negative externalities. These externalities are impossible for me to forget (even at the most inappropriate times.)

Anonymous Posts (8.2.10-8.8.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Not much to say, y'all. I'm home (!) and getting ready to head down to Duke in a week and a half. Getting in as many bagels and pizza slices as possible.

Also! Our good friend Swapanthi emailed in and alerted Us of the National Organization for Marriage rally in Raleigh tomorrow from 12-1. They are so much so The Worst (remember this gem?) and at a lot of the stops along their NOM MARRIAGE BUS TOUR 2010, counter-protesters have staged awesome parades, etc. I've been checking up with the NOM Tour Trackers throughout - scroll through the posts to find some awesome footage.

Anyway! Posts for this week!

#1

I was outed last weekend for the first time. A text came at 3 AM telling me, "i'm so so sorry but I told ------ and -------- about you. I didn't mean to and I understand if you never want to talk to me again. Please forgive me." Had this text come about 6 months ago, I would have been completely terrified of the results. My friend told two people from my small hometown where a friendly attitude towards the LGBT community doesn't really exist- and this is a place where news spreads like wildfire. Thankfully over the past several months I've become, day by day, more and more comfortable with my sexuality and more and more comfortable with others knowing. That being said, I still strongly believe that it's not anyone's place to divulge information on other's sexual preferences. Forgiving this long-time friend was easy, but I'm still quite a bit frustrated at the fact that it happened. Should I not be? When I told my close friends, should I just have assumed that it would slip at some point?

#2

I check my ex's facebook almost every week. I'd never take her back, but I'm afraid I won't ever get over her.

#3

Sometimes I just tell myself that my future girlfriend is just in in my next class, the upcoming hallway or at tomorrow's social event. I tell myself that we're just hours or seconds away from finally meeting each other. But my biggest fear is not that I won't meet her, but that I won't recognize her. I'm afraid she'll end up being so deep into the closet that I won't know her when I see her.

#4

It sucks that so many things in my head are so tangled: sexual orientation, trust issues, intimacy issues, sexuality in general, bodily integrity and imbalanced hormones, my medications...I just want to understand what's going on in my body and in my head and for it all to work correctly.

#5

“One has not only an ability to perceive the world but an ability to alter one's perception of it; more simply, one can change things by the manner in which one looks at them.”

This week in California, a judge struck down Prop 8 as unconstitutional. Great news. Unfortunately, not everyone sees it as such. To me, marriage for all is a fundamental right. But my ethos is kinda shot in this rhetoric as a gay guy fighting for gay rights. Regardless, it seems logically right to eliminate discrimination by sexual orientation. There are so many, however, that do not perceive this topic similarly. So many people are so stubborn in their beliefs that gay marriage is immoral. But I must say, I am just as stubborn in my belief; and of course, I see myself as correct. But am I? More importantly, is there a right answer? Is there truth? As the quote asserts, everything in the world is what we make of it. Truth changes as our perceptions of it change. Our society today perceives itself as being more “advanced” than previous societies. Such as the truth American society once believed that it was morally acceptable to enslave blacks. That blacks were biologically subservient to whites. Contemporary society has progressed past this “truth.” But what are we progressing toward? Is there some ultimate, universal truth waiting to be reached? I don’t think so. Societies’ truths will be ever changing, or “progressing”. No absolute truth can be achieved, as no absolute truth exists. The ideals, emotions, and logic of each individual are concomitant with one’s perceptions of the world, not of an absolute truth imposed by the world. So for this debate concerning gays and gay marriage, can I really believe I am right? If there is no truth, then there is no wrong. But there is. Those opposing gay marriage are wrong. This is of course according to my perceptions. So if I have deconstructed the idea that there is a truth/the right answer, then what is left? Just us. Ourselves, our society, and our perceptions of the world. We are doomed as a society and as a race to transient truths and to logically based but emotionally driven perceptions. But I do believe (hope?) we are progressing (slowly) as a society to creating a truth that homosexuality is neither immoral nor unnatural. I guess there's no palpable point to this post other than the idea we see and understand things not as they are but as we are.

-Alec

The Prison Effect

I apologize for not posting in forever. I’ve been busy with non-LGBT stuff. Also, the discussion group isn’t doing well. I’m attempting to revive it and not lose hope. [Update: Two people have already expressed serious interest in taking over the group when I leave!]

This past week I was at the computer hacker’s conference Defcon in Las Vegas. This led me to think about the “prison effect” which famously produces Lesbians Until Graduation (LUGs) at elite women's universities like Smith. Though I have never been to prison, I have been to Catholic school, math camp, frat parties and now a computer hacker’s conference which was 99.99% white male. (I know what you're thinking: Catholic school? I have fantasies about all-girls Catholic schools! The hetronormativity and proximity of our "brother school" created an exotic type of "prison effect.")

I am particularly susceptible to this effect for three reasons. I don’t know of any reliable, classy (sorry Steel Blue) queer women hangouts in the RTP area. I’m excited to check out CC's hip-hop nights. Since I have a girlfriend it would be for observatory purposes only. I’m interested in male dominated fields like computer science and business. And I’m the kind of femme who finds masculine energy more important than gender.

Picture this: I am surrounded by men. It’s probable that one out of the thousands of straight men I encounter at a computer hacker’s conference will think I’m attractive. It’s probable that I will find at least one man without a floppy Mohawk, giant Goth pants, and a beer gut. In fact, he will have a winning smile, an adorable Oklahoma accent, broad shoulders and the ability to hack SCADA systems. I can safely assume this man is straight. My nonchalance is an asset. For once I am not the embarrassing, over-aggressive chaser.

Of course there are one or two women that catch my eye. But, save for subtle body language (which I don’t understand) and asking a woman upfront, I’m not going to know her sexuality. Butches/studs are easy to spot, but I’m afraid they want more femmeness than I can provide. I have never seen a nerdy, Rachel Maddow type butch in the wild. And I’m not exactly attracted to women who wear sensible shoes, so the L Word gaydar checklist does not apply.

Finally, I avoid casual sex with women because protection is so confusing. Men get condoms. Women get dental dams. I have never used a dental dam! Yes, I am a public health hypocrite. So as to not destroy my public health credibility I simply don’t have casual sex with women. I don’t feel confident in initiating the use of such an awkward device. And since I have a girlfriend my lack of dental dam aptitude is a less urgent concern.

Do I feel good about my conquests? Not really. But it’s something. I want to taste that privilege many straight people have of getting lucky at a generic college party. Making out on the dance floor. You know how it goes. It’s like eating coffee flavored ice cream. I don’t like the coffee flavor, but it’s still ice cream.

I know many people won’t understand my susceptibility to the prison effect. They think if I call myself a lesbian instead of a queer woman I should treat interested men like wild hyenas. I think calling myself queer would be a cop-out. To me there is a gulf between romantic and physical attraction. I call myself a lesbian because my romantic attraction lies squarely with women. My physical attraction is nebulous. I bet (I just came back from Vegas after all) if you walked a mile in my shoes you would also hook up with some computer hackers, entrepreneurs, math nerds and Catholic school boys along the way.