“I’m gay.”
That’s how I come out. Or at least, that is my current word choice for the moment. I haven’t had to use that phrase at Duke for awhile now. But now that I’m back in Tucson, Arizona, in addition to feeling the heat, wincing in pain when people talk about SB1070, and just generally enjoying home for a week, I’ve also been coming out again to a lot of my high school friends who didn’t know I was gay beforehand. Luckily though, coming out the second time is almost a walk in the park compared to the first.
But I said it again. The G-word.
I first realized it yesterday when I was discussing my sexuality with my best friend over coffee. I kept using statements like, “Well because I’m gay….”, or “Being gay has allowed me to…”. Notice a trend? It’s always the G-word. Never the L-word. Always gay, never lesbian.
So…it got me thinking. Why don’t I use the term lesbian more often in conversation? Is there some sort of positive connotation that the word “gay” has that “lesbian” just hasn’t reached yet? Does calling myself a “lesbian” seem more abrasive? More radical? More “other”?
Quick side note: (I have a point, I promise!) - If I had to pick my favorite queer television show, it would actually be the L-word. Don’t get me wrong-it isn’t topping the lists of America’s most elevated television programming. To begin, for a queer woman’s show, it portrays a strikingly high ratio of femme lesbians, with few butch or androgynous women to counterbalance that. To add to that conundrum, bisexuality is oddly absent as well, with the exception of one or two of the lead women identifying this way. But despite it’s flaws, as a queer female, I also can’t avoid the fact that it was an entire 6-season show that focused almost exclusively on queer women and their lives and relationships. So I pretty much thought it was awesome.
The thing I loved the most about the show was that the lead female characters really embraced the term lesbian. It was their power word-they owned it, dropping it as often as they could. There was no hesitation. I don’t really think they ever used the word gay when they described themselves.
I think that’s something I’d like to personally work on-to really own the word lesbian and use it more often. I just finished reading 2 books by feminist author Jessica Valenti, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned from her writings, it’s that a patriarchal society tends to devalue femininity-all types of it. Lesbian, is an innately female word. Ergo, perhaps our society, in an effort to discredit women in general, takes a stab at LGBT women too.
“Gay” doesn’t define us all. “Lesbian” certainly doesn’t either. That would overlook the transgendered, bisexual, intersex, pansexual, allied and queer communities at large. I also understand some people don’t want a label. To be perfectly honest, I don’t want a label either. But there is a difference between forcing yourself to adopt the word lesbian as a label, and just plain using the word more often. I wonder if part of helping more people to identify as queer also means making these labels more accessible, more commonplace and more visible.
If we don’t use the word lesbian, who will?
[If this topic is interesting to anyone else, I'd super love to see what other people have to say. :D ]
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3 comments:
I agree with Spencer! 1. This was a GREAT post, bringing up a very interesting topic that many people struggle with and think about often. 2. Whatever term works for YOU is the term for YOU (and if no term works for you, you can just avoid them all together!) Which leads me to 3. It doesn't have to be just one word! A part of who you are is allowed to be more than just a word, it deserves a whole book! Yes, I'm white. But I'm not only white; on one side of the family I am second generation from Russia and Lithuania, on my otherside, I am third generation from Poland. I have family all around the world, as we were spread out by the Holocaust to Israel, South Africa, Boston, and Minnesota! My "whiteness" has history, it has a desription! I am NOT the same white as my friend with family from Ireland and Italy, not the same white as anyone, for that matter.
Sorry, I kind of got off topic. But labels exist that group people together, but realistically, these words are just generic summaries based on one aspect of the thing it's
describing. White describes the color of my skin, not my family's history. Lesbian describes a woman loving and being attracted to other women. But there are SO many parts of sexulity and sexual orientation that cannot be described in one word!
We want a word that describes our whole self, but realistically, we're all so individual, we all have different histories and personalities that make us who we are. That's why autobiographies are hundreds (and sometimes thousands) of pages!
I challenge you, Megan, and everyone reading this blog to really think about labels, what they accomplish, and what we WANT them to mean, versus what they mean as a stand-alone description, and why particular connations even exist.
Megan, I also like what you propose about the term, lesbian, and why it holds the meaning it does today, and its relationship to the place of women in society. It's very insightful! Additionally, the etymology of terms relating to sexuality are vastly different, and this could also have an effect on the words which individuals choose to use. "Gay" with the history of meaning "happy, brilliant, full of joy" is very different than "Lesbian" which refers to an island where a bisexual, erotic poet lived and loved in ancient Greece. "Queer" is from words meaning "strange, eccentric." These terms all are derived from different places, times, and connotations, which probably has some sort of effect on how they are used and viewed today.
This is awfully long, but I guess that shows what a thought provoking post this was! It definitely has me thinking! Thank you, Megan!
Megan, this is amazing, I love how you address the issue of labels and the way people perceive them. There are so many people out there who don't necessarily identify with any one term or indicator, yet use one thanks to society's norms and expectations. I think Spencer was spot on when he said that whatever works for someone individually is best for them. I agree with you though, that if you want to keep using these labels to promote their visibility and accessibility, then that's a wonderful thing. It's awesome that you're having these dialogs with your friends and discussing these issues, I'm sure they've learnt a lot from you :)
This is such a good post. I did wonder briefly why you never used the term 'lesbian' but the term 'gay' during the Catholic LGBT discussion. Interesting points! :)
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