Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)Oh, ok.
So We went a week without anonymous posts last week, which we can just blame on FWOC and Tailgate, right Community? Right.
And then You were all like, "Let's send in more anonymous posts than ever this week and let's make them super interesting and fodder for The Most Conversation." And then you did.
We got nine entries this week, y'all. And some of these are superlong. So what I'm going to do is put up the first five (chronologically, as always) today, and the last four tomorrow? Is that ok? I feel like this'll help in making sure every post gets the attention it deserves and won't overwhelm Us with all the ! that is in these. I'm truly sorry if this offends the authors that are going up tomorrow.
I feel like this week is a good time to review some things as well: Our goal is to make sure that every post gets at least one response and the best thing we can do is speak from personal experience and frame it as such. Chris and Janie always stressed to me, too, that the best "advice" is to not tell somebody what to do, but to explore the options with them.
Anyhow. *deep breath* Let's do this.
#1
Although I’ve only been an official Duke grad student for a few weeks now, I am so grateful for how welcomed I have felt in my academic program and as a member of the general Duke community. I have been fortunate enough to have a great roommate and to have found several people with whom I have become quick friends. My experience thus far has been overwhelmingly positive, and I am happy, for the most part. That being said, I am not yet out to the majority of the new people I have met. I’ve only been out to my friends and family for a year and a half, and the prospect of coming out to people who barely know me is a bit daunting. There is a part of me that knows most people don’t care, and I vacillate between not worrying about how others will react and being terrified by their reactions. I suppose this is normal, but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. I am proud of who I am, most of the time. Being gay is simply one part of me, albeit an important one. I’m also a firm believer in being honest with people when I am ready, and this has served me well so far. At the same time, however, I’ve already encountered some awkward situations with people trying to set me up with guys. The most recent encounter resulted in me coming out to my roommate. I lucked out, because she seems fine with it, despite being completely surprised. But, I’m nervous about the other experiences I might have that may not end so well. I have a strong support system of friends and family, but they’re not physically here. So, if things don’t go so well, I don’t want to feel isolated in a new environment.
I want to become involved in the LGBT community here at Duke and meet other LGBT-identified people, but I realize that in order to do so, I must be comfortable with a certain level of visibility. I’m frustrated because I’m not sure I’m there yet. I’ve been reading this blog for several months now, and I give a lot of props to all of the contributors and readers who are so helpful and supportive of each other and the anonymous posters. I admire you for being so visible and comfortable. I hope my post is not completely out of place on an undergrad blog (it would be great if DukeOUT started something similar), but I wanted to share my concerns in the hopes that some of you could offer any advice on how to gradually transition to being more out in a new environment. Maybe one of these days I will be comfortable enough to introduce myself to all of you. Thanks for listening.
#2
I'm a girl. I started "questioning" not because I was attracted to another girl, but because I just wasn't ever attracted to any guys. I still don't find myself eyeing any guy (ever), but I also don't have any crushes on girls. I mean, sometimes I think "oh, he's cute/good looking," but I don't ever get that crush feeling. Similarly, for girls, I might think "oh, she looks good," but still no butterfly in the stomach nervous tension, etc. Can anyone else relate to this never-really-being-attracted-to-anyone ordeal? Is it what made you start questioning, too? How did you figure out how you identified if you didn't have any attraction to base it on?
#3
I've never done this before, so here it goes: I'm a Senior at Duke, and I have a big secret that only one person knows. She told me it might help me get it off my chest and like rant about it a little if I could do it anonymously. Apparently you guys are gonna hear me out no matter how fucking stupid I sound? Anyway, so the big secret is that I'm gay. Even though saying it here doesn't really count because it's basically anonymous, I have to say that it feels really good to just say it a few times. Like, I'm still at a point where I'm grossed out that this is who I've become, but she says that the more I say it proudly, the better it will feel. I've never told anyone except her before because of all the obvious social constraints: my parents wouldn't allow it, I have a girlfriend I've dated for awhile now, and I'm in a fraternity at Duke that kind of puts us all on a pedestal as the best fraternity to be in and so on. We're supposed to look good and fuck girls and play around because we can. And I do. I do all of that shit and I'm sort of lying the whole time you know, getting through it, and there's not a single guy there who would get it. Why would they? Because I know what we say about guys and what we call each other: all that shit about stuff being "no homo" and how so and so is a "fag" because he does this or that. We just rag on each other and I know it's wrong to talk like that, but now it's like it's even more wrong because I wonder how they'd talk about me if they knew? Like, if they knew that some of them really piss me off calling some kid a fag because he couldn't drink the handle, would they start calling me a fag too because I like guys, even though I could at least drink the whole damn handle? I'm still the fucking man right? I get freaked out because realizing I'm gay - realizing I've hooked up with guys drunkenly and enjoyed it, realizing I've done more than just experiment, realizing girls just don't get me hot or turn me on - doesn't make me any less of a guy does it? Like I still want to drink and play ball and "bro out" but now it's so fucking confusing because some of my brothers really are chill guys and I need that kind of thing in my life. If they found out I was gay, they wouldn't want me around anymore because that's fucking weird. And then I think about the gay stuff I've done with some other guys in the frat - I wonder if they liked it, too, or if they're weirded out just as much as I am or if they think it was like a one time deal and that it'd be weird of me to suggest it ever happening again. I've been at this school for four fucking years and I only have one person I can be honest with? And the person I'm honest with isn't even myself. It's my friend. When I tell her I'm gay, I believe it but when I tell myself I'm gay, I keep trying to come up with all these reasons why I might not be - or at least - why I shouldn't be. At this point in college I've missed out on any opportunity to be honest about this and maybe meet some other gay guys who see where I'm at, so what's the point in coming out of the closet now? I'll lose my whole social life and basically everything I've built here at Duke. Writing anonymously is kind of my only option. So that's what I'm trying to do right now: be honest with myself and I guess with all you other people reading. The point is that I'm gay. I'm not gay in the way my brothers mean the word -I'm not weak and I'm not weird. I'm just gay. I like guys. And I'm really, really afraid.
(You who encouraged me to write this post, you know who you are. I'm sorry I can't take a bigger step but I appreciate you being there at this one. You're my best friend and you know that)
#4
Hi! I'll be honest - I have never met a gay person. I know it sounds shocking, but I'm not from America, and homosexuality is neither common nor embraced in my country. I also admit that I’ve not gone out of my way to meet any member of any LGBT community, whether it be the tiny one back home or the thriving one here. (For that reason I also apologise if I say anything un-PC in this post – believe me, it will be a completely honest mistake.)
However, now I want to. I’m a straight girl, and I have a boyfriend. I really don’t see that changing any time soon. However, part of why I came to Duke was to experience new things, meet new people and forge friendships I would probably never have at home. I’ve been reading the blog regularly for about a year, and I want to go down to the LGBT center some time, just to have a look around and, I dunno, check it out.
When is a good time to go? Do I just show up? Will people automatically assume I’m a lesbian? (I just feel like that might create a little awkwardness.) What would I do there? I’m scared that my naivety when it comes to the LGBT culture will cause me to say something totally insensitive and mess up and offend someone.
#5
I have been stuck between a rock and a hard place during my first two weeks at Duke.
I love Duke. I love the atmosphere; I love the new friends I've made. I love my classes, even. (I'm a nerd, so it all plays well with each other). Sure, the work can be stressful, but I've always had stress to perform well in high school, so now it's just the ol' bump and grind.
On the other hand, I've had to make this tough mental and psychological transition from my home to Duke. See, I am not too open about being gay. I mean, I’m way more open than I was a year ago as I just started coming out to my friends this past spring, but I am still hesitant to tell people that I am gay unless they ask me, with which I properly respond. I am gay, and I am comfortable with that fact. And I am comfortable around others, even with those who don't know I'm gay. But I am finding myself being quite socially awkward amongst my peers.
I've been at Duke for three weeks. I have not been out to West on a Friday or Saturday night.
I feel like my social awkwardness impedes me in making friends and being in more open situations to meet people. Well, in my mind, I don’t find it to be awkwardness. I find it as me being myself. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and I don’t “party.” But I feel like that’s what everyone does, especially my gay peers and it’s difficult for me to come out of my comfort zone in those situations. I am obviously trying to meet new people, but the media through which I am meeting people is not deep enough to form strong bonds and friendships, if you know what I mean.
My first boyfriend and I ended our relationship before we both went to our respective universities because we knew that distance would be an issue and we needed to meet new people and gain new perspectives. It was only a summer relationship, but it taught both of us what was required for a relationship to work. Obviously I miss him a lot, and when I try and meet new people, maybe find “dating material,” if you will, I think about what we had.
And I miss that.
I miss the relationship I had with a person who was a good friend who could tell me that he loved me and mean it. I miss the text messages we would send 24/7 when we didn’t see each other. And now that I am here and I don’t have that, I crave it. My cravings for a relationship have put me in a sour mood for some of my time while I’ve been at Duke because I have been unsuccessful with starting another consequent relationship.
Yes, I’ve only been here for three weeks, so why don’t I just put the brakes on first and slow down, have fun, and get a routine going first before we even start to think about a relationship?
I have some pretty mad insecurities and self-image problems that I feel need to be fixed or suppressed, and my first boyfriend did that for me. He made me feel better about myself. Without him, I feel those personal problems seeping back into my life when now is not a good time for those issues.
When I meet somebody here who I suspect is gay, I am afraid to take the next step, in fear that upon first look, I will turn him off. Therefore, I often don’t even make the attempt.
But back to the point: Why do I have these self-image problems and insecurities? Why can’t I stop them, and do I really need a boyfriend to fix those?
The answers: I sure as hell don’t know, ditto, and no, but it would make me feel better.
If I keep a more optimistic attitude, then I should be okay, but the issue is brushing off the pessimism in my brain to welcome the optimism. I’m working on that with little avail.
To wrap this up, because I know it’s too long already, I want to say that the chocolate fountain social was the first step I’ve taken to boost my confidence, reach out of my comfort zone, and meet more people with whom I share a common interest (yes, that interest would be guys). I thank BDU and the LGBT Center for reaching out and accepting me as a member with open arms, because I don’t know where else I could get such a reception. With a little, or a lot, of work, I can truly actualize who I am.
I am gay. I am human.
Posts
12 comments:
I want to let all of you know first of all that I really appreciate such frank honesty. It's always wonderful to see fellow Dukies sharing who they are, anonymous or otherwise. I'd be happy to talk to any of you, so just shoot me an e-mail or Facebook me if you like.
Also know that the Center is a great place and a valuable resource. There's always someone to talk to, an event to attend or food to snatch, so go any time. There are really good people here who are involved in the LGBT community, including both those who identify and those who are allies.
Basically, I want to encourage you all to be who you truly want to be and live your life as that person would. We all know how much it sucks to depend on others' opinions and expectations, so why pay them any mind?
#2 - Like what anonymous said above me, there are people who identify as asexual, perhaps this is similar to how you feel? Regardless, there's such a huge gamut of human sexuality that often labels aren't always the best things.
#3 - I don't think you should feel as if you've missed out on the opportunity to be honest with yourself - you do have a year left after all. In fact, you've taken a huge first step just by posting this. I don't know the specifics of your situation, but I do wonder if maybe it wouldn't be as bad as losing your entire social life were more people to know? People, especially friends, can surprise us for the better so often. This was certainly the case for me in high school - I was outed and expected that none of my (mostly highly masculine, straight male) friends would speak to me again. In fact it was quite the opposite and they've been incredibly supportive. You're not alone though - it sounds like you have an amazing friend that you can confide in. There are also so many other people on this campus who would be more than willing to listen and understand what you're going through - and often they'd be the people you'd least expect. I wish you the best though and hope you'll find a way to share this with more people you trust.
#4 - You sound really cool and open minded - not many people are as open to learning about new experiences and people as it sounds like you are. Come visit the Center anytime! No one will make the assumption that you're a lesbian and there are always super friendly people and staff hanging out there. We also have our BDU general body meeting this Wednesday at 6PM and Fab Friday this Friday from 4-6PM, which you're more than welcome to come to. We love meeting new people!
#5 - Starting out college can definitely be tough enough without having to deal with the ending of a long-term relationship, it's not an easy thing to go through. I can't stress enough though that you don't need anyone else to fix or suppress your insecurities - you're a beautiful person all by yourself and should know that you're wonderful independent of anyone else. It's hard to hear this and even harder to accept it though - I've definitely suffered from self-image and insecurity problems before, and still do. We all do actually, it's just that 99.9% of the time everyone is wearing a mask so we don't notice that others are too. The difficult is telling and accepting within ourselves that we're amazing people who totally deserve to be happy. It's awesome that you came to the Chocolate Fountain Social, I really hope you'll come to more events in the future. As I said in some of my other responses, there're so many fantastic people/new friends in this community who would love to meet and get to know you. Hopefully we'll see you at BDU on Wednesday or Fab Friday!
To any of the above posters, I would be more than happy to chat with any of you, my email's oww@duke.edu, or find me on Facebook. Thank you all again so much for your amazing posts.
Echoing what Spencer said, it's amazing to see the frank openness and honesty in these posts. Thank you to all of the authors for sharing these thoughts with us.
# 1 - It sounds like you're well on your way towards being comfortable with getting involved, which is fantastic. Know that we would love to meet you (your post is absolutely not out of place, we love grad students!) and that there are so many incredible people in this community ready to support you if you choose to make that step. It's definitely not an easy transition to make though and it's one that takes a lot of courage. The advice I would give is to remain strong, feel secure in the wonderful person you are and confidence will grow from there. Easier said than done I know, but we're all here rooting for you :)
No, you're definitely right Chris, it (almost always) isn't as easy as saying "ok whatever, time for new friends!" and it's important that you pointed this out. Being uprooted and having to find a whole new social circle is nothing something anyone wants.
I didn't mean to sound trite or dismissive, more that sometimes people really can shock you with how supportive and open they can be. That doesn't make opening up to them in the first place easy though. It takes a lot of courage to do so - and sometimes it fails, but sometimes it's so, so very worth it.
I wanna take time and respond to a few of these individually, but I just wanna say..
I was talking to my dad a bunch this weekend since dropping the bomb on Nana, and he was doing super great with using terminology like "coming out," "gay," "you and hilary (lol)"
And he gave me a piece of advice. Now, let me just first say that my dad gives the best advice ever. I can't ever follow it immediately, but it's always The Best. So he says to me, "Well you don't want people in your life that are gonna make you feel bad for who you are. We all face persecution, but that's no reason to choose to keep those people in your life."
I know, I know. It's pretty much impossible to just up and cut people off, (esp family and close friends) without giving THEM a time to process too. If you think about how long the process took you to get to this point...others are gonna need a transition too. I've figured out this is most conducive when you leave room for questions, and when you try not to cry or get angry. (I have a tendency to lose my cool).
Ok I'm getting really off topic here, and I gotta go pick up my new (used) car. I'll be back later.
i love all of you
Wow. This is so awesome to see this kind of openess (echoing Ollie and Chris). Thanks!
#1 – Graduate students are absolutely welcome in this community. =) I’m so glad the blog has been helpful! In terms of coming out, I think it sounds like you are on the right track. I’m sure it’s nerve-wracking, but maybe relating to other graduate students in organizations like DukeOUT might help you see how others have navigated these waters beforehand, and perhaps give you tips on how to do the same.
#2 – Hey there! Questioning is awesome, to quote Jack Grote on a previous blog entry. If I was going to give you “advice”, I would just say, keep it up! It’s really great that you’ve even started this path. I might check out your resources (CAPS? Janie? Fellow LGBT friends?) for more guidance too. I don’t think figuring out your sexual orientation is a light switch-for me, it took many years and even more questions. Good luck!
#3 - I agree with what Robert said. It’s good to keep things in perspective-think about 5-10 years down the road. Starting the coming out journey with all of the amazing resources that Duke has to offer you (the LGBT Center, CAPS, Duke Library’s HQ (LGBT) section) might be a lot easier than it would be to start this coming out process without all of these (free) amazing things to help you.
Also, it was my personal experience that the friends I had before I came out were the same after I came out too. Those who care about you will always care about you. I your friends will really respect you for saying, "Screw it, I'm going to be ME." From my experience people here at Duke (and beyond Duke) view that really, really positively. It definitely takes a sort of confidence/strength to be who you really are. (It’s also more fun too. :D)
#4 – Yes! You are so welcome to come by the Center! Maybe come to a BDU meeting, Fab Friday (4-6pm) or just drop by the Center anytime M-F.
#5 - Not all of us party!! There are more social outlets than West. For example, the BDU party this past Friday night was really a ton of fun, and I was completely sober for it, like I always am. So in that sense, while there may be a perception that you're "missing out", you are actually just being yourself and doing what you enjoy. Which is way cooler.
Something I'm trying to figure out is how I can be happy without being in a relationship with someone, because being LGBT kind of shrinks the number of fish in the Duke dating pond. From personal experience, I would just say that focusing on yourself (and all those awesome classes you said earlier that you enjoy!) might be the way to go for now. Also, making LGBT *friends* might be a better thing to "work" on. Jack has said this on the blog before, but in all seriousness, it is really cool to have a group of friends who identify as LGBT to turn to. They can relate with you on an entirely different level than others, and its something I really, really value. And it's hard to make friends with folks when you're constantly looking for Mr. Right in them. But good luck, and hope to see you around here soon if we haven’t already met. =)
I get the feeling that some anonymous posts are "fake" and it bothers me. I don't want to call out any post in particular since that would be detrimental to dialogue/pointless. I'm not even necessarily referring to this specific group of posts--I'm thinking back to some old anonymous posts too. I wish people would not submit fake stories. If you want to make a point, do so directly. Don't weave it into a made-up story. I come here for real life and honesty. Fake stories are created by people with limited imaginations and they perpetuate stereotypes and untruths.
1:57 - to reverse what chris said, even if 99% of these anonymous posts were "fake", it still wouldn't change the fact that it gives at least 1% a place to speak. getting advice on being closeted at Duke from a resource like this is one of the reasons I think that this blog is so valuable. I know because I did it.
That was the first of what I think will be a series of many baby steps for you, #3. Be patient, and if you can keep stretching yourself like this, you will learn to love yourself just as much as I love you. Chest bump, frat-style!
so chris...did you just completely censor out that entire other thread? wow.
#2- I think I know what you mean. Although I see myself as straight, I've rarely been attracted to the opposite sex and have questioned my orientation many times. I've found that for me, the physical attraction in a large part comes with and after the emotional attraction/connection. This may be because I have trouble trusting people with physical interaction/contact, and this may not apply to you at all, but that is what I've found to be true in my own case.
i noticed that this post says there were 9 entries this week. where are the rest?
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