Anonymous Posts (9.13.10-9.19.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

So! Lots to talk about.

The post from last week is still down. This is because we are still organizing this review committee, and making sure that it is diverse as possible. Like I said in my last post, if you want to be a part of this, email bluedevilsunited@gmail.com. I think the goal will be more to develop concrete guidelines of community standards and respectful speech, than to review every comment or post we get. Ideally, a tone'll be set for the blog, and things'll get a lot easier from there.

With this said, and with the committee not formed yet, I'm going to be a little strict until then to be on the safe side. I think what I wrote captures just about everything I mean by respectful discourse, and what it entails for me. It would be superhelpful if Commenters could just try their best to speak from their own experiences, not make blanket statements about groups of people and especially entirely avoid derogatory language. As long and awesome as a comment may be except for an inappropriate part, I will probably employ a one-drop rule (which is a phrase that has its roots in the most racist, embarrassing times in American history and thus not The Most Appropriate Thing to use (Ever.), so sorry for not finding a better way to express this) when it comes to moderation.

Anyhow! Phew. That's out of the way and is something we'll never have to address again ever, #amiright?!

In other news the Center's first discussion group of the year is being held tonight at the Center from 7-8. I'm co-facilitating this, and more than anything I want a wide variety of people there. I know there are many LGBTQA people who would never come to the Center ever (many for ideological reasons), and as stupid and paradoxical and naive as this plea may be, I think their presence tonight would be really awesome. That is what this is for! Also, historically, the discussion group has been a venue for those who aren't out or don't feel comfortable with the visibility that comes with going to the Center, BDU events, etc. And it is still that, because confidentiality is pretty much The Most Important Thing tonight.

Anonymous posts for the week, yo.

#1

I love, love, LOVE this blog. that is all.

#2

The response at today's meeting to the harshness of typical cyber-banter elucidated what I felt was a crucial, underlying issue. Namely, making a negaitve post live took precendence to the issue of exaclty where the negativity originated. I mean, yes the blog post was catty. I probably would not have posted it either. That's why I'm posting today: here's my attempt to show that people who don't support the center are rational, thoughtful, human. We're just as gay as you are. Take this for what you wwill, but after having witnessed this for two years, now, I have something I really would like to say. I think it might even help, if you actually read it. Listen: I choose to be with straight AND gay people too, all the time, and not segregate myself from a population. I can be who I am without surrounding myself with others like me, or making it instantly obvious that I'm gay, or hanging a rainbow flag out of my window. I hate flags, anyway, of any sort; besides, gay people aren't a nation. I philophize and throw frisbees, I play an instrument and sing in the shower, I care deeply for the environment, I write and eat and dream; I do all of this, though, because I'm me and not because I'm gay. That's the problem, I feel with the center. It pretends to be something it shouldn't be: a way of life. I avoid the center because, frankly, I have too much work to waste time dressing up the act of trying to hook up with people. The "Center" is no more central to the lives of the large proportion of gay people you guys don't even know about than you are; it's all well and good that you guys like what you do, but stop. I don't like the center, I don't like seeing rainbow flags around campus, I don't like hearing my name called in absurdly flamboyant tones. Come out of your rainbow sized prisons; smell the fresh air, it's nice.

#3

I don’t even know where to start. First, I have to say that I am so happy that Duke has such a thriving and amazing LGBTQ community. Second, I hate to say that I truly wish I could be a part of it, but I honestly just don’t see myself doing this anytime soon. This is my first year at Duke and I couldn’t have picked a better school. I’m happy with my friends so far, content with the social life the university has provided, and I’m even enjoying (most) of my classes. I even have a girl chasing after me already … man, I think I would have an amazing life if I was straight.

First of all, I truly don’t think I would be writing this right now if it wasn’t for my ex-boyfriend, whom we had to break up due to the distance issue. I am not out to anyone except my best friend back home, my other best friend turned boyfriend turned ex-boyfriend, my two older siblings (although they still deny that I’m like this), and the people I meet when I venture out in gay clubs and other places back home. My ex and I had an amazing friendship; he came out to me September of senior year in high school, and I came out to him the following month. Feelings started to become attached to our friendship around April, and we started going out this past summer. Needless to say, I was heartbroken to have my both my best friend and my boyfriend torn from me all at once due to distance. We broke up, told each other the lovey-dovey crap, and went our separate ways. It was less than a week ago that he told me he had met this other guy and they had already done “things” together (we told each other we would tell each other everything even after breaking up). To put it lightly, it is very easy to find gay people in my hometown due to its size. I was devastated – I didn’t talk to him for four days … I couldn’t believe it was so easy for him to just move on like that. Here I am now, feeling confused, hopeless, and feeling so, so lonely even as I am surrounded by my peers on a constant basis.

I feel like I have nobody to talk to … I wish I could have that one friend over here that I could just tell all my problems to and they would understand me, not judge me, and I could just truly be myself. The thing is, everyone here assumes I’m straight. The way I act, the things I do, the way I talk … it’s all very “straight,” although I hate saying it like that because I’m not the type to generalize actions or people into categories. The fact that I make out with girls during certain parties and that girls like me doesn’t exactly help my situation either. Sometimes I wish I would behave a certain way so that people would just assume I’m gay. Don’t get me wrong, I actually do like kissing girls and having fun (although when it comes down to more sexual interactions, I’m really prude) … even though when I kiss a girl I close my eyes and imagine it’s a guy, and even more sadly, my ex-boyfriend.

I know that if I came out to some people I’d be that much closer to being happy, I just don’t know who. I know that the Center would help me a great bunch, even though I hope that I’m treated less like a patient and more like a human being, if I ever decide to get the balls to visit. I know what I should be doing, what I shouldn’t be doing … and I know what I’m doing is what I shouldn’t be doing and what I’m not doing is what I should be doing … but I don’t have the courage to step forward and be a man when it comes to this.

I’m just confused. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want to be happy. I just want to be free.

P.S. I’m very sorry this is so long, I definitely didn’t mean it to be this long. :/

Letter From The Editor: On Censorship, Constructive Conversation, and Respect

I took the second half of the anonymous posts down for now because things were getting a bit out of hand. All comments are put in queue for my approval before they go up, and what I saw was not good and kind of really very nasty. I understand if Readers think, "what was there wasn't so bad," but as editor I get to see into the future a bit (because of that queue) and things were about to get hateful (and I mean, personally, I thought the thread was already getting hateful). And that is not something that the blog is about.

So I put the conversation (*"conversation") on pause for a bit so that I could talk to the BDU officers and general body about what to do. And I also wanted to talk to all of Y'all, too. Sometimes it's ok to step back and take a second? I feel like that's fair, right?

This isn't about social fascism or quelling people who don't agree with me or us as an organization - it's about discerning between criticism that's respectful and criticism that's hateful.

From all sides.

I hate censorship, as do the BDU officers. In this case, it would be antithetical, as "rpb" pointed out two nights ago, to our mission of "effectively conveying the diversity within the LGBTQ Community" and "capturing Duke accurately while neither coddling nor depressing." Why bother running the blog in the first place if we don't allow contributors to be completely honest about their experiences?

At the same time, we wanted to learn from the mistakes of our predecessor site, which kind of turned into bluedevilsarguing.com, so we specified that "hate speech and personal attacks" would not be tolerated.

Reconciling these values of total honesty and safe-space is difficult. But not impossible.

There is a way to convey the sentiment or experience of any Reader on campus (or off) respectfully. We can disagree, and I hope we disagree. Let's disagree! But as my mom's told me as far back as I can remember, "we can disagree without being disagreeable."

One of the most important things, I think, is to never discount somebody else's personal experience or reality. More specifically, it's not fair to say that "Duke has been a great place for all LGBT students and it's not a problem here" or "Duke is not an LGBT-friendly campus at all, and I wouldn't go there because how bad it is." Because both ignore the range of experiences of students here. There is no one LGBT experience at Duke, and there is certainly no one way to navigate life at Duke as an LGBT student.

And so long as someone's happy, and it works for them, then they should do it. That's totally legitimate. If that means never coming to the Center, if that means never speaking to another gay person on campus, then ok! No one should ever pressure them to do these things. One part of #7's post that I totally agreed with was his frustration that people kept insisting he get involved with all of our programming and meet all these other gays and such. That's not what anyone should be doing. The goal of "active" LGBT students and groups on campus is to offer options, not "omgyouHAVEtocometothisbecauseyou'regayand,like,we'regaytoo." If "gay" is not a major identifier for someone and subsequently informs zero of their decisions, it does not make them a "bad gay," "not cool," etc. because duh, it does not make them a "bad gay," "not cool," etc.

But the other half of this is allowing people who frequent (or even infrequent) the Center or BDU meetings or events planned by either, to do that, too. I mean, it's kinda fun for some? Personally, it's a place where a lot of my friends hang out and I know a lot of peers (including myself!) have felt the need to use the resources that are offered. I think why a lot of students like the Center and BDU is well documented in the hundred or so columns and comments on the blog, so I'm not going to go into that further.

Like we've said before, personal attacks are not tolerated on the blog. But I don't think I honored that the other night, and I was a jerk in one of the comments. I'm truly sorry for that, because it was not an okay thing not only as editor, but as a participant on the blog. Like I said in a later comment,

... I naively thought that I could just take my Editor Hat off, which is just not possible. I am a leader here on the site, and it's irresponsible for me to comment that way. I reacted, and got defensive when I read the words "disgusting," "incestuous," and "fake" used to describe people that I consider my family (and this includes me, too, I guess). Instead, I should have been more articulate in explaining why I did not think this was okay ... I'm truly truly sorry to #7 and any other commenter that I may have offended because they expressed distaste for the Center and those who frequent it. I won't speak like this again, I promise. And thanks to "rpb" for calling me out - I appreciate it.

I repeated this at the BDU meeting, and I wish I could adjust it to say that it wasn't ok just because I'm Editor, but because I am Anybody.

This is not the forum for personal attacks, because that's CollegeACB stuff and I think we all agree how we feel about CollegeACB (right? We're all on the same page on that?). And personal attacks, for the record, are not restricted to comments about just one person (i.e. "Chris Perry is just The Awfulest") but include character assassination of groups of people, too (i.e. "Everyone who doesn't regularly go to the Center is The Awfulest"). Blanket statements like the latter are not productive, are hurtful, and are usually prejudiced (and, for the record, do not have the necessary sociological data to back them up). They aren't conducive to the constructive conversation and cathartic environment that we're looking to foster here.

So I urge anonymous posters and columnists alike to keep their entries personal-experience based: "I was really looking forward to going to the Center and then nobody introduced themselves to me. It seems pretty cliquey to me." "Somebody told me recently that they took solace in all the flags that around campus, knowing that there was a support network for them at Duke." Let's keep things specific (and remember, LGBTQA-based).

As Readers and Commenters we can much more effectively get to the root of things and talk about them if entries are framed this way. If you've got a concern to share that could lead to a respectful, productive conversation, advice or encouragement, please do. Like, as queer advocates, we'd love to discuss the merit/detraction of showering the campus with rainbow flags. There is a discussion to be had here! But no side should label another with derogatory terms.

In fact, let's not use derogatory terms. I can't really think of an instance on this site where they'd be appropriate.

While I'm hoping this sets the tone for the blog, we decided at the meeting last night that the best thing to do is to set up a committee for reviewing comments and posts. I shouldn't be the only one making these decisions, and the members of this group will be diverse in their involvement with the Center, BDU, etc. If you're interested in more information, email bluedevilsunited@gmail.com.

Anyhow. The blog'll go back to its regular format in a day or so, and there'll be details on what we're doing with the post that we had to take down.

Thanks for reading and contributing for the past 10 months. Y'all make this site My Favorite Thing.

Much much love,

Chris Perry

Anonymous Posts: Part I (9.6.10-9.12.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Oh, ok.

So We went a week without anonymous posts last week, which we can just blame on FWOC and Tailgate, right Community? Right.

And then You were all like, "Let's send in more anonymous posts than ever this week and let's make them super interesting and fodder for The Most Conversation." And then you did.

We got nine entries this week, y'all. And some of these are superlong. So what I'm going to do is put up the first five (chronologically, as always) today, and the last four tomorrow? Is that ok? I feel like this'll help in making sure every post gets the attention it deserves and won't overwhelm Us with all the ! that is in these. I'm truly sorry if this offends the authors that are going up tomorrow.

I feel like this week is a good time to review some things as well: Our goal is to make sure that every post gets at least one response and the best thing we can do is speak from personal experience and frame it as such. Chris and Janie always stressed to me, too, that the best "advice" is to not tell somebody what to do, but to explore the options with them.

Anyhow. *deep breath* Let's do this.

#1

Although I’ve only been an official Duke grad student for a few weeks now, I am so grateful for how welcomed I have felt in my academic program and as a member of the general Duke community. I have been fortunate enough to have a great roommate and to have found several people with whom I have become quick friends. My experience thus far has been overwhelmingly positive, and I am happy, for the most part. That being said, I am not yet out to the majority of the new people I have met. I’ve only been out to my friends and family for a year and a half, and the prospect of coming out to people who barely know me is a bit daunting. There is a part of me that knows most people don’t care, and I vacillate between not worrying about how others will react and being terrified by their reactions. I suppose this is normal, but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. I am proud of who I am, most of the time. Being gay is simply one part of me, albeit an important one. I’m also a firm believer in being honest with people when I am ready, and this has served me well so far. At the same time, however, I’ve already encountered some awkward situations with people trying to set me up with guys. The most recent encounter resulted in me coming out to my roommate. I lucked out, because she seems fine with it, despite being completely surprised. But, I’m nervous about the other experiences I might have that may not end so well. I have a strong support system of friends and family, but they’re not physically here. So, if things don’t go so well, I don’t want to feel isolated in a new environment.

I want to become involved in the LGBT community here at Duke and meet other LGBT-identified people, but I realize that in order to do so, I must be comfortable with a certain level of visibility. I’m frustrated because I’m not sure I’m there yet. I’ve been reading this blog for several months now, and I give a lot of props to all of the contributors and readers who are so helpful and supportive of each other and the anonymous posters. I admire you for being so visible and comfortable. I hope my post is not completely out of place on an undergrad blog (it would be great if DukeOUT started something similar), but I wanted to share my concerns in the hopes that some of you could offer any advice on how to gradually transition to being more out in a new environment. Maybe one of these days I will be comfortable enough to introduce myself to all of you. Thanks for listening.

#2

I'm a girl. I started "questioning" not because I was attracted to another girl, but because I just wasn't ever attracted to any guys. I still don't find myself eyeing any guy (ever), but I also don't have any crushes on girls. I mean, sometimes I think "oh, he's cute/good looking," but I don't ever get that crush feeling. Similarly, for girls, I might think "oh, she looks good," but still no butterfly in the stomach nervous tension, etc. Can anyone else relate to this never-really-being-attracted-to-anyone ordeal? Is it what made you start questioning, too? How did you figure out how you identified if you didn't have any attraction to base it on?

#3

I've never done this before, so here it goes: I'm a Senior at Duke, and I have a big secret that only one person knows. She told me it might help me get it off my chest and like rant about it a little if I could do it anonymously. Apparently you guys are gonna hear me out no matter how fucking stupid I sound? Anyway, so the big secret is that I'm gay. Even though saying it here doesn't really count because it's basically anonymous, I have to say that it feels really good to just say it a few times. Like, I'm still at a point where I'm grossed out that this is who I've become, but she says that the more I say it proudly, the better it will feel. I've never told anyone except her before because of all the obvious social constraints: my parents wouldn't allow it, I have a girlfriend I've dated for awhile now, and I'm in a fraternity at Duke that kind of puts us all on a pedestal as the best fraternity to be in and so on. We're supposed to look good and fuck girls and play around because we can. And I do. I do all of that shit and I'm sort of lying the whole time you know, getting through it, and there's not a single guy there who would get it. Why would they? Because I know what we say about guys and what we call each other: all that shit about stuff being "no homo" and how so and so is a "fag" because he does this or that. We just rag on each other and I know it's wrong to talk like that, but now it's like it's even more wrong because I wonder how they'd talk about me if they knew? Like, if they knew that some of them really piss me off calling some kid a fag because he couldn't drink the handle, would they start calling me a fag too because I like guys, even though I could at least drink the whole damn handle? I'm still the fucking man right? I get freaked out because realizing I'm gay - realizing I've hooked up with guys drunkenly and enjoyed it, realizing I've done more than just experiment, realizing girls just don't get me hot or turn me on - doesn't make me any less of a guy does it? Like I still want to drink and play ball and "bro out" but now it's so fucking confusing because some of my brothers really are chill guys and I need that kind of thing in my life. If they found out I was gay, they wouldn't want me around anymore because that's fucking weird. And then I think about the gay stuff I've done with some other guys in the frat - I wonder if they liked it, too, or if they're weirded out just as much as I am or if they think it was like a one time deal and that it'd be weird of me to suggest it ever happening again. I've been at this school for four fucking years and I only have one person I can be honest with? And the person I'm honest with isn't even myself. It's my friend. When I tell her I'm gay, I believe it but when I tell myself I'm gay, I keep trying to come up with all these reasons why I might not be - or at least - why I shouldn't be. At this point in college I've missed out on any opportunity to be honest about this and maybe meet some other gay guys who see where I'm at, so what's the point in coming out of the closet now? I'll lose my whole social life and basically everything I've built here at Duke. Writing anonymously is kind of my only option. So that's what I'm trying to do right now: be honest with myself and I guess with all you other people reading. The point is that I'm gay. I'm not gay in the way my brothers mean the word -I'm not weak and I'm not weird. I'm just gay. I like guys. And I'm really, really afraid.

(You who encouraged me to write this post, you know who you are. I'm sorry I can't take a bigger step but I appreciate you being there at this one. You're my best friend and you know that)

#4

Hi! I'll be honest - I have never met a gay person. I know it sounds shocking, but I'm not from America, and homosexuality is neither common nor embraced in my country. I also admit that I’ve not gone out of my way to meet any member of any LGBT community, whether it be the tiny one back home or the thriving one here. (For that reason I also apologise if I say anything un-PC in this post – believe me, it will be a completely honest mistake.)

However, now I want to. I’m a straight girl, and I have a boyfriend. I really don’t see that changing any time soon. However, part of why I came to Duke was to experience new things, meet new people and forge friendships I would probably never have at home. I’ve been reading the blog regularly for about a year, and I want to go down to the LGBT center some time, just to have a look around and, I dunno, check it out.

When is a good time to go? Do I just show up? Will people automatically assume I’m a lesbian? (I just feel like that might create a little awkwardness.) What would I do there? I’m scared that my naivety when it comes to the LGBT culture will cause me to say something totally insensitive and mess up and offend someone.

#5

I have been stuck between a rock and a hard place during my first two weeks at Duke.

I love Duke. I love the atmosphere; I love the new friends I've made. I love my classes, even. (I'm a nerd, so it all plays well with each other). Sure, the work can be stressful, but I've always had stress to perform well in high school, so now it's just the ol' bump and grind.

On the other hand, I've had to make this tough mental and psychological transition from my home to Duke. See, I am not too open about being gay. I mean, I’m way more open than I was a year ago as I just started coming out to my friends this past spring, but I am still hesitant to tell people that I am gay unless they ask me, with which I properly respond. I am gay, and I am comfortable with that fact. And I am comfortable around others, even with those who don't know I'm gay. But I am finding myself being quite socially awkward amongst my peers.

I've been at Duke for three weeks. I have not been out to West on a Friday or Saturday night.

I feel like my social awkwardness impedes me in making friends and being in more open situations to meet people. Well, in my mind, I don’t find it to be awkwardness. I find it as me being myself. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and I don’t “party.” But I feel like that’s what everyone does, especially my gay peers and it’s difficult for me to come out of my comfort zone in those situations. I am obviously trying to meet new people, but the media through which I am meeting people is not deep enough to form strong bonds and friendships, if you know what I mean.

My first boyfriend and I ended our relationship before we both went to our respective universities because we knew that distance would be an issue and we needed to meet new people and gain new perspectives. It was only a summer relationship, but it taught both of us what was required for a relationship to work. Obviously I miss him a lot, and when I try and meet new people, maybe find “dating material,” if you will, I think about what we had.

And I miss that.

I miss the relationship I had with a person who was a good friend who could tell me that he loved me and mean it. I miss the text messages we would send 24/7 when we didn’t see each other. And now that I am here and I don’t have that, I crave it. My cravings for a relationship have put me in a sour mood for some of my time while I’ve been at Duke because I have been unsuccessful with starting another consequent relationship.

Yes, I’ve only been here for three weeks, so why don’t I just put the brakes on first and slow down, have fun, and get a routine going first before we even start to think about a relationship?

I have some pretty mad insecurities and self-image problems that I feel need to be fixed or suppressed, and my first boyfriend did that for me. He made me feel better about myself. Without him, I feel those personal problems seeping back into my life when now is not a good time for those issues.

When I meet somebody here who I suspect is gay, I am afraid to take the next step, in fear that upon first look, I will turn him off. Therefore, I often don’t even make the attempt.

But back to the point: Why do I have these self-image problems and insecurities? Why can’t I stop them, and do I really need a boyfriend to fix those?

The answers: I sure as hell don’t know, ditto, and no, but it would make me feel better.

If I keep a more optimistic attitude, then I should be okay, but the issue is brushing off the pessimism in my brain to welcome the optimism. I’m working on that with little avail.

To wrap this up, because I know it’s too long already, I want to say that the chocolate fountain social was the first step I’ve taken to boost my confidence, reach out of my comfort zone, and meet more people with whom I share a common interest (yes, that interest would be guys). I thank BDU and the LGBT Center for reaching out and accepting me as a member with open arms, because I don’t know where else I could get such a reception. With a little, or a lot, of work, I can truly actualize who I am.

I am gay. I am human.

Anonymous Posts (8.30.10-9.5.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

So we didn't get any anonymous posts this week, which is kind of very :(. On the other hand, it's kind of impressive that this is the first time this has happened since January. When we took over the blog in November there had been 12 anonymous posts in its 11 month life. As of today, we've gotten 117.

But, like, let's have a thousand anonymous posts this week to compensate.

In other news! This Wednesday is the Center's Chocolate Fountain Social in Trinity Cafe (next to the Marketplace). This is always packed and a great time. And Friday night is BDU's first Fall dance party, which I'm also superlookingforward to.

See you there, Community.

Anonymous Posts (8.23.10-8.29.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Sorry for the late post, y'all. I've been spending all day fixing my schedule, which includes "Steel." Of course. No duh. Normal college stuff. I also, in my first task as a Center employee helped piece together The Center's weekly email (check your inboxes, Community!). It was not very easy! Props to Chris Purcell (NVR 4GET) for doing it all those years.

So much to discuss re: this semester. More on that later, I just want to get these posts up ASAP. See you at the Welcome Reception, great to be back, comment on the posts, etc, etc.

#1

"I just wish that there was more variety in the images America sees. I don’t know any Antoine Dodsons but I do know quite a few gay black men who would give Will Truman from Will & Grace a run for his money in both wealth and career achievement, and I would certainly love to see a few of those types as a gay character in a drama or sitcom, or a real-life type in a reality show.

While I have no issue with Antoine Dodson, I hate that his over the top, neck-swinging sassiness, as real as it is for him, represents the current status quo for almost all black gay images in the media."

http://www.afterelton.com/bg20something/antione-dodson-conundrum

#2

Seeing the "Love=Love" shirts when I visited Duke convinced me to come to here. This blog makes me feel more confident in my decision and more pumped for college each time I visit. Thanks for being rad.

#3

I don't feel comfortable with the term "gay". It's probably because it's a category with a lot of connotations that I'm not comfortable with. I don't want to label myself as gay. That's why I haven't "come out". Why do I need to come out? Is it just the people who are attracted to the same sex that need to come out? They have to announce their sexuality? bring the bad news to their parents that for whatever reason their kid is queer? Can't I just go about my life without coming out? Sure I feel this weight on my chest. I wish it were undiagnosable anxiety. But it's just the stress from bottling up the truth about my sexuality. I suppose coming out would relieve that? But I don't want to...

I'm more offended by the term "straight". That implies that preferring the same sex is crooked--somehow wrong or abnormal.

I wish I had been more confident with my sexuality at Duke. I would have gotten more sleep, maybe. To the people I had crushes on I would hint, passively, my interest. There were only two people, really. One sophomore year. One junior (and senior) year. Too bad neither of them drank. All my sexual encounters involved somebody drunk and (pretending to be) sleeping.

I feel like some of my friends know my sexual preference. They must, right? I make cryptic, subtle hints about it. I don't date or hook up with people.

The closest I've come to the LGBT center was to get my hair cut.

My mom talks about turning our old bedroom into a guest room for when we visit with our wife and kids, or serious girlfriend.

I'm intrigued by "you people" on campus. You "Community" people. I want to interact with you. Or I wanted to. But I guess I missed a lot of chances to do a lot of things.

Would my parents think differently of me? My sibling? My sibling would. My sibling can be a bit bigoted at times. My Republican aunt, uncles and cousins might think differently. My grandmother might. A lot of my friends wouldn't. The people I work with wouldn't.

I feel bad leading girls on. I dated a girl once. After we made out the evening of our first date I felt no sexual desire. But we dated for a month so I could tell people when I went home for Fall Break that I had a girlfriend. I broke up with her and I didn't consider how she felt.

I was attracted to girls before puberty. I had genuine crushes on girls. I saw one girl I had a crush on in 9th grade without a shirt on (just a bra). And I was attracted to her. But then something happened, I guess. Maybe when I started masturbating. I've only been sexually attracted to one girl since then. That was 12th grade. And nothing came of that. Unrequited crush.

What about kids? I want kids. And a family. And a big dining room table. How can I have that??

If I were still a student I'd take one of my free CAPS visits and talk to someone, maybe. I used 3 of them over the years, but of course wouldn't tell a therapist the truth of my sexuality. Now I might.

I wrote it down and sealed it in an envelope and wrote "burn before reading". I did that a few weeks ago. I opened it and read it.

I don't know what to do. What could someone possibly say to make me---make me be open and honest about my sexuality? I feel like I've heard it all before.

Welcome!

[Ed Note: Oli is the incomparable president of Blue Devils United this year, and with the rest of the executive board has put together a very awesome, very packed schedule for the Fall. Community, let's do this.]

Can you believe it? Summer is finally over. You can feel the energy that everyone has arriving on campus - either for the very first time, or returning back to the Gothic Wonderland. It’s a whole new year, a fresh start, full of possibility.

To the Class of 2014 - welcome to Duke. Whether you're a regular reader of this blog or here for the very first time, we're so glad you stumbled upon it. We really can’t overstate how excited we are to have you all here. It is the coolest thing to see all the new faces on campus, to see how eager you all are to get involved in the multitude of things that make this campus such a fantastic place to be. We can’t wait to meet all of you!

Starting college is a big transition for anyone and can be especially difficult for those who are questioning or grappling with their identity. The great thing is though that you’re not alone – there are a huge number of people who have had similar experiences and who are more than willing to share their perspectives and advice. We have a really strong LGBTQ community here at Duke. It’s made up of amazing people, from all different backgrounds and walks of life. It’s a community that looks out for one another and in which some incredibly strong friendships have been forged. No matter who you are, how you identify, or where you’re from, we welcome you with open arms. And we love straight allies - you are all an incredibly important part of this community as well. You needn’t have ever been involved in LGBTQ activism or anything related to the LGBTQ community before either. Many of the people now involved with Blue Devils United (BDU) weren’t out in high school. But I can safely say, that for many of those people, including myself, getting involved the LGBTQ community and BDU was one of the best things they’ve ever done at Duke. We really hope it will be for you too.

I would also strongly recommend just stopping by the LGBT Center sometime to say hi. If you haven’t met the Director of the Center, Dr. Janie Long yet, then you should - she is one of the most amazing people on this campus. As well as being a fantastic, kind person with a wicked sense of humor, Dr. Long is an incredible resource and mentor. She is always happy to help students with whatever issues they may be having, to give advice, or just to lend an open ear. Her email is janie.long@duke.edu.

For those who are new, BDU is Duke’s undergraduate LGBTQ organization. We descend from a long line of groups, going all the way back to 1972 when the first gay advocacy group was formed on campus. Our mission is to promote a Duke that is more accepting and open - a Duke where people feel secure in expressing their true identities. To this end, we are an activist voice advocating for LGBTQ issues both within Duke and beyond. We also host a wide range of social events to facilitate and strengthen a sense of community on campus.

This year is going to be absolutely fantastic. There's so much do and to get involved with over the next few weeks, but I know that we're up for the challenge and ready to take Duke by storm! Our first BDU meeting of the year will be held on Wednesday, September 1st at 6:30PM in the Duke Center for LGBT Life. This is right after the LGBT Welcome Reception, also hosted in the Center from 4-6 PM that same day. The Center is in 02 West Union, located directly below The Loop restaurant. It can be reached either through the lower level corridor of the West Union, or via the stairs from the Bryan Center Plaza. We have SO much exciting stuff to discuss and info on opportunities to get involved, including:

• Our Repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell soldier campaign
• Outreach to local area GSAs and high schools
• Homecoming in conjunction with the Duke LGBT Network
• The North Carolina Pride Parade (NC Pride is, like past years, being held right here at Duke and in Durham, on Saturday September 25th. Duke has always had one of the most colorful (and fabulous) floats and it's going to be a lot of fun again this year.)
• Coming Out Day
• The Triangle Collaboration Initiative LGBT Retreat, being held on the weekend of November 5th to 7th at Camp Don Lee in Arapahoe, NC. This leadership retreat brings together students from several of the Triangle-area colleges, including Duke, UNC-Chapel Hill and NC State.
• The Fall Charity Drag Show
• And much more!

PLUS!

On Friday, September 10th, BDU will be hosting the first Fall LGBT Dance Party to welcome the new Class of 2014! It's gonna be an awesome night of music, food, dancing and great company! Stay tuned for more details, and if you'd like to help with preparations, email me at oww@duke.edu

AND!

This year, the theatre studies department is doing The Laramie Project, an award-winning play about the reaction to the murder of gay Wyoming teen Matthew Shepard in 1998. Auditions will be held on September 1st and 2nd, from 5 to 8PM in Sheafer Theatre,, with callbacks on September 3rd. Those interested should prepare a 1 to 2 minute monologue from a contemporary piece. There will be sign ups for auditions next Wednesday at the LGBT Center's Welcome Reception from 4 to 6PM. For more information contact Miriam Sauls at mmsauls@duke.edu.

Additionally, BDU will be tabling at the Fall 2010 Student Activities Fair next Friday, September 3rd, from 4 to 6PM out on the East Campus Quad. The Student Activities Fair showcases all of the student-run groups, organizations and club sports on campus and is the perfect place to sign up and get involved. Look out for us there and come up and say hi! We’ll definitely have one of the more colorful tables :) For any sophomores, juniors or seniors who want to help table for the Fair, please email me at oww@duke.edu.

So get pumped, tell your friends, roommates, acquaintances and pets - we can't wait to see you all there at 6:30PM on Wednesday :) I almost forgot the most important thing - there’ll be free food! (And a surprise!)

Anonymous Posts (8.16.10-8.22.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Being back on campus is, like, totally great. The LGBT Center student staff (Michelle, Megan, Jack, Justin, and I) and Janie went on a retreat this weekend to discuss fall programming and responsibilities and such. As you can imagine, it was more or less (more) The Most Awesome Time. In addition to the standard events (Chocolate Fountain Social, Welcome Reception, Fab Fridays, The NC Parade, Coming Out Day, etc.) we've got a couple other things up our sleeve which are obviously going to be tons of fun and interesting and insightful and tons of fun. I'm in charge of Transgender Day of Remembrance this November, which I'm excited about. I'm looking to mix it up a bit this year and, you know, just make Duke the most PROGRESSIVE school ever.

The NC Parade (which Justin Harris is in charge of) and Coming Out Day (which Megan Weinand is organizing) are going to need a lot of help, so let them know if when you're free.

First-years move in tomorrow! Supercool. If we extrapolate the trend we've seen with incoming classes over the past four or so years, the Class of 2014 is 97% LGBT.

And by boat, he means HUGS.

#1

Just thought you guys should know that this blog is part of the reason why I chose Duke. <3

#2

You're a beautiful man. You're so talented; your soul runs deep. And you ain't hard on the eyes either. I'm glad I knew you.

Love,

MP

PS-Come out, come out wherever you are and get happy!

Anonymous Posts (8.9.10-8.15.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Moving in on Thursday, y'all. Let's do this.

#1

Looking back, there are a lot of things I did wrong at Duke. I was quite messed up mentally so I didn't take advantage of a lot of the things it has to offer. All this consider, the one thing I regret (though I don't like to use that word) the most is that I wasn't gay sooner at Duke. I really wish I came out earlier when I was there. :)

Anonymous Posts (8.2.10-8.8.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Not much to say, y'all. I'm home (!) and getting ready to head down to Duke in a week and a half. Getting in as many bagels and pizza slices as possible.

Also! Our good friend Swapanthi emailed in and alerted Us of the National Organization for Marriage rally in Raleigh tomorrow from 12-1. They are so much so The Worst (remember this gem?) and at a lot of the stops along their NOM MARRIAGE BUS TOUR 2010, counter-protesters have staged awesome parades, etc. I've been checking up with the NOM Tour Trackers throughout - scroll through the posts to find some awesome footage.

Anyway! Posts for this week!

#1

I was outed last weekend for the first time. A text came at 3 AM telling me, "i'm so so sorry but I told ------ and -------- about you. I didn't mean to and I understand if you never want to talk to me again. Please forgive me." Had this text come about 6 months ago, I would have been completely terrified of the results. My friend told two people from my small hometown where a friendly attitude towards the LGBT community doesn't really exist- and this is a place where news spreads like wildfire. Thankfully over the past several months I've become, day by day, more and more comfortable with my sexuality and more and more comfortable with others knowing. That being said, I still strongly believe that it's not anyone's place to divulge information on other's sexual preferences. Forgiving this long-time friend was easy, but I'm still quite a bit frustrated at the fact that it happened. Should I not be? When I told my close friends, should I just have assumed that it would slip at some point?

#2

I check my ex's facebook almost every week. I'd never take her back, but I'm afraid I won't ever get over her.

#3

Sometimes I just tell myself that my future girlfriend is just in in my next class, the upcoming hallway or at tomorrow's social event. I tell myself that we're just hours or seconds away from finally meeting each other. But my biggest fear is not that I won't meet her, but that I won't recognize her. I'm afraid she'll end up being so deep into the closet that I won't know her when I see her.

#4

It sucks that so many things in my head are so tangled: sexual orientation, trust issues, intimacy issues, sexuality in general, bodily integrity and imbalanced hormones, my medications...I just want to understand what's going on in my body and in my head and for it all to work correctly.

#5

“One has not only an ability to perceive the world but an ability to alter one's perception of it; more simply, one can change things by the manner in which one looks at them.”

This week in California, a judge struck down Prop 8 as unconstitutional. Great news. Unfortunately, not everyone sees it as such. To me, marriage for all is a fundamental right. But my ethos is kinda shot in this rhetoric as a gay guy fighting for gay rights. Regardless, it seems logically right to eliminate discrimination by sexual orientation. There are so many, however, that do not perceive this topic similarly. So many people are so stubborn in their beliefs that gay marriage is immoral. But I must say, I am just as stubborn in my belief; and of course, I see myself as correct. But am I? More importantly, is there a right answer? Is there truth? As the quote asserts, everything in the world is what we make of it. Truth changes as our perceptions of it change. Our society today perceives itself as being more “advanced” than previous societies. Such as the truth American society once believed that it was morally acceptable to enslave blacks. That blacks were biologically subservient to whites. Contemporary society has progressed past this “truth.” But what are we progressing toward? Is there some ultimate, universal truth waiting to be reached? I don’t think so. Societies’ truths will be ever changing, or “progressing”. No absolute truth can be achieved, as no absolute truth exists. The ideals, emotions, and logic of each individual are concomitant with one’s perceptions of the world, not of an absolute truth imposed by the world. So for this debate concerning gays and gay marriage, can I really believe I am right? If there is no truth, then there is no wrong. But there is. Those opposing gay marriage are wrong. This is of course according to my perceptions. So if I have deconstructed the idea that there is a truth/the right answer, then what is left? Just us. Ourselves, our society, and our perceptions of the world. We are doomed as a society and as a race to transient truths and to logically based but emotionally driven perceptions. But I do believe (hope?) we are progressing (slowly) as a society to creating a truth that homosexuality is neither immoral nor unnatural. I guess there's no palpable point to this post other than the idea we see and understand things not as they are but as we are.

-Alec

Anonymous Posts (7.26.10-8.1.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

It is August, y'all, which is pretty scaryexciting. This is my last week at the HRC before I return home to Long Island for a bit. I'll be at Duke the 18th for The Center staff retreat :) I spoke to Janie the other day, actually, and I can't wait to get started. She says they got tons and tons of applications to fill Chris' position (which is impossible, but w/e), and they'll start narrowing things down soon. I'm trusting you, Student Committee On This.

Another HRC intern sent me this article, "Disco-Ball Dresses and Spandex: A dispatch from transgender camp for kids" today. Hmm. I mean, wow! What a very cool, progressive camp! It is basically the movie Camp, just more comprehensible and without the worst character of all time, Ellen (I HATE Ellen, ugh). But as my friend puts it, "It's an interesting idea, though it's obvious that the author still sort of sees her child's being transgender a novelty ("her long-haired, cis-gendered (that means normal) sister" YIKES "she/he" OOPS etc.)." It is sort of cringing at parts. However, the author defends himself in the comments. VERY interesting.

Anyway. What a week on the blog, y'all. Whoa. The anonymous posts were very ! last week and matched in !ness by the comments. And then AJ was like, "let me write something that is awesome myself." And then he did.

Speaking of! With all the traffic this week I felt like it would be nice to quick see if new comments have been posted. (I get an email and if anyone else would like an email alert, let me know!) So I wrestled with code a bunch (and lost, for the most part) and came up with this widget on the sidebar. Meh? It'll do, I s'pose, for now. But anyhow! Just the heads up. It works.

Posts for this week!

#1

Hello again! So lately I've been wondering why it seems in the "game of romance" everyone seems to want to play the part of the chased. We all seem to want to be the one being chased after by love sick others. We all wish that person we are secretly crushing on would do more than just smile at us in passing and I would be lying if I said I just take a chance when I find someone I'm interested in. In fact for the better part of my romantic, if you could even call it that, experience I have been the one who was too shy to say anything to my crushes. Even if I was able to build a semi-friendship type relationship with said crushes, it never got past that. Just recently, I did a little growing up and realized that love wasn't going to just appear out of the sky and knock me off my feet like I had believed for so long. I've decided to take a new, more bold approach, and can now honestly say that I am willing to make the first approach.

I guess I don't seem to have been going anywhere with most of this post but if you will allow me, I'll divulge what I believe is still wrong with my new found approach. I've realized that even when you stop playing the damsel in distress and you don your knight in shining armor outfit it may not get you far because your damsel, feminine or masculine as he/she maybe, in distress may be in wayyy more distress than your shiny armor can handle. I guess what I mean is that not only do we want to play the chased but we get so lost in this role that we are not willing to "give a dog a bone." Ok ok enough metaphors. What I'm saying is, I think we all need to try to be a little more straightforward in our approach to romance. You see that cute guy standing over there, ya the one you've been eyeing all night? Go over and introduce yourself. See the lovely lady sitting down reading that book you think is hot, get your own book and sit by her. More importantly, when all the awkwardness of first time meeting is said and done and you two crazy cats are chatting more and more and getting comfortable with each other, make sure you communicate where you are and what you're feeling and where you see "this thing" going.

It's been a long rant, thanks for staying for the ride if you did! The moral of the story is, or just my opinion, don't be afraid to put yourself out there; it may be the one thing keeping you from find your right person.

#1.5

Whoops! I realize that my rant would be sorta contradictory if the whole thing was anonymous given the whole sieze the day attitude it took. With that said I'll sign this post as a means of standing firm with my post. ~Olamide

Anonymous Posts (7.19.10-7.25.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

So one of the coolest things that we did last year was the rainbow flag campaign. Especially for visiting high school students, this conveys that there is a community on campus. Alumni commented to Janie how warming it was to see the progress we've made.

And nothing's more testament to that than this old Chronicle article from September 2005 I found. Some snippets:

A flag hanging outside a window on Duke's East Campus prompted heated discussion Monday night after some students in Giles Dormitory expressed concern over the banner and requested its removal.
...

"I recognize the room is kind of central [over the Giles entrance], so what goes on... outside the window might be construed as representing the dorm," Thian said. "I am against homosexuality, however this is a free country and they have the right to say what they want to say."

For the record, the flag stayed. But anyhow. Worth a read (as are these old op-eds: My right to not support gay and lesbian groups (2002), Gay? Not fine by me (2003)).

We've actually got a handful of anonymous posts today, which is freaking awesome. The summer! This is over the summer. That we are getting so many posts. So cool.

P.S. Regarding #4 this week... I wasn't expecting this haha. Public compliments make me uncomfortable and this is super embarrassing, buuut I guess if it was anybody else (like ALIZA or SUMMER or JUSTIN or OLI or ARI or #4 THEMSELF who are all infinitely more so The Best) I'd put it up.

#1
I don't know if I'm a lesbian. I'm just so confused. And I don't want to go to hell.

#2
I'm a UNC student who would love to meet more of the LGBT community at Duke. Is "Fab Friday" the best way to go about this or is there a better way?

#3
I couldn't think of a better way to communicate with ya'all, so this is a rather silly use of an anonymous post, but I think that this is amazing (link).

#4

I've known Chris Perry since he moved to Patchogue. We lost contact...had the same classes in HS (of course speaking AP courses). It does not surprise me that he would be living in Washington D.C. (assuming so?) and raising such awareness and stories for an amazing cause. It's inspiring to see his intelligence used as a...power...or yet a force. Highschool I went down the road of immaturity and made choices that could've put me in jail (while still keeping straight A's). But in the seat next to me he'd come to AP english and would just focus on knowledge and always trying to participate in whatever he could to make a stamp in something. Not even for himself....but to form something to create a greater good. I always craved to learn but wish I would've followed his example as many of his colleagues did during that time. To see him and this blog makes me know that these are the roads that must be focused on. Always collecting knowledge and using it for a greater good. I hope you are happy Chris. Best of wishes.

#5
Why me? Why am I subjugated to this life? More importantly, why am I forced to feel this way? I just want to be straight. To be able to have a girlfriend, with whom I hold hands and kiss in public without glaring eyes. I want to bring a girl to meet my parents. I don't want to have my father who looks upon homosexuality with repugnance. I can't stand lying to myself any longer. But I do not see how I will be able to stand my parents, knowing they will never look at me the same. Who knows if they would even fund my education. I just want a normal life. Get married and have children. While these possibilities are now beginning to become open to gays, it is still not the same. I am frightened by how the human brain can be formed to think such disdain toward homosexuality. How can an idea be so powerful? I seem to have everything going for me: I'm young and healthy, about to begin studying at one of the world's most prestigious universities, I'm attractive and likable. But to me, it is nothing more than façade. The thing I hate is also the thing I identify most to. My homosexuality has shaped who I am. I can't stand to hide from it any longer. Only three other people know, two of whom I hooked up with. I want to be open about who I am, I don't want to only hoop up with guys in clandestine locations hidden from society by the darkness of night. But in the end, I just want to be straight, and then I can live my happy life. Fuck you society. I'm sorry, I just have no other way to say it. Why must I live like this, why must I think like this? Realistically, I just want to be happy at Duke. I want to be who I am. But I will not succumb to the flawed beliefs of this society. I will be happy...but why must I fight for it. I'm not so naive to think that being straight would automatically yield happiness, but it seems it is so much more feasible. I want to get with guys; which, sure its superficial, but what 19 year old doesn't want sex? And then I ask, why do I feel that I am the only one who understands and accepts my sexual orientation?. Sure I loath it at times, but I know who I am. The last guy I hooked up with, for example, says he is actually straight and doesn't want to do this any more, which I'm fine with, but I feel it is bullshit. If you hook up with a guy, enjoy it and get an erection from it, how can you say you're not attracted to men? I was the first guy he hooked up with, so maybe he has been lying to himself for so long? I first hooked up with a guy my summer before 9th grade, so I guess I have had more time to experiment? But even then I understood I like guys. Throughout high school I had this "hook up buddy". However, it was an on and off thing. I understood if he didn't want to hook up with me, but so many times he would say he isn't in to this kind of stuff any more. This is what the last 5ish years have been like. Have I just found "bad" guys? Okay, my post has been kind of all over the place, but the idea I think I have been developing and venting is that this society is so fucked up (sorry for the language again). I know this idea isn't new, and that all of you can understand it, but seriously, why? Why are we, intelligent and supposedly rational beings, able, or perhaps forced, to believe these ideas. I really don't know where I'm going with this, I suppose as means of venting since I have no one to discuss this with when it concerns me personally. Quiero aprovechar el dia, pero ¿como puedo? Estoy ocultando del mundo con un velo de mentiras. Me pregunto, ¿quien eres? Y ya lo sé. Sin embargo, no puedo sentirlo. Ojala que un dia pueda ser contento con mi sexualidad y, sobre todo, mi vida. Sorry, I like to think/write in Spanish sometimes, haha even though I'm not a native speaker. So its near 3 am and I've run out of steam. I understand that I am gay, I just hope I can make the best of it for the next four years at Duke, and for the duration of my life.

#6
I can't stand that by coming out I broke my parents' hearts

Anonymous Posts (7.12.10-7.18.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

FDOC (appropriately a four-letter word that begins with F) is around the corner, y'all. This is, uh, extremely scary as a rising senior, and I have no idea where the time went. It seems like yesterday that I remember thinking this Aliza girl in Giles with the anti-Bush dry-erase board doodles was The Coolest Person. And to think now we procrastinate for hours on end together, scheming and talking about how big of a mistake our majors are.

#diarytalk

Also! My best bud Aaron sent this to me. This American Life is his favorite because duh, and this episode is all about the APA and the DSM description of homosexuality. Summer is all about having the time to listen to things like this!

#1

I wish I could tell her.

#2

I am a closeted lesbian woman at Duke. Now that wasn’t so hard, was it? It’s taken me months, years even, to be able to say that to myself. Coming out to myself was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do—well, until recently. Now that I’ve begun to accept myself for who I am, I’ve realized how much further I still have to go. Being in the closet is so much harder than I thought (‘duh’ right?). I should start by saying that I don’t “look” gay—see Risa’s recent post for an excellent explanation as to why that is an absurd idea :). But my point is that no one would meet me and have any reason to think I was anything but straight. That sucks. After working so hard to accept myself, it hurts so much to have to endure the comments people make unwittingly. Of course hateful words and derogatory remarks towards lesbians hurt, but worse, occasionally, is the assumption of heterosexuality. No, I do not want to talk about my dream wedding to my dream man (playing along with that game is especially difficult). No, I do not care to comment on whether I want a summer wedding or a winter wedding—I don’t have the same rights that you do. Of course Leonardo DiCaprio is a fox in Inception, but did you see Ellen Page?? Beautiful. I feel like every conversation I have, I have twice. Once out-loud, playing along with the hetero-assumptions my oblivious companion is making. And a second time in my head, where I get to come up with all kinds of witty retorts to assert my identity. Unfortunately, I’ve faced this particular challenge many times at my workplace this summer. Once, my [female] manager made an off-hand remark that, taken out of context, sounded like she was hitting on me. She immediately started laughing and falling all over herself explaining that she wasn’t hitting on me, and that she in fact ‘liked boys.’ I just wish I had the balls to say what I was thinking in my head, “don’t worry, you’re not my type anyways.” Another time, several of my coworkers were discussing previous bosses that they had who had a tendency to over share personal information. One of them, another one of my managers, brought up a lesbian couple who ran the restaurant she was working at. They had apparently offered to explain how two women were intimate with each other (no doubt a conversation that was brought up by inquiring minds). My manager told us the story with a disgusted tone of voice and a horrified look on her face—clearly expressing her discomfort with lesbian sexuality. I just sat there in silence, feeling my face getting hotter by the minute and probably turning bright red. I hate that I have to sit in silence when I am feeling so deeply offended. I hate that people don’t and can’t understand how hard I’ve worked to accept myself. Living in the closet has laid this almost unbearable weight on my shoulders that I worry will never go away. The prospect of coming out to my friends or family is just as terrifying. The scariest part is not that I think they won’t accept my homosexuality, but rather that they’ll feel like I’ve been lying to them. Which, I guess I have been.

Anonymous Posts (7.5.10-7.11.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Before he left, Chris Purcell made me the administrator for the Duke Center for LGBT Life Facebook page. This is a WEIGHTY, overwhelming position that I nonetheless humbly accept. I'm down.

But currently there are only 139 fans? Huh, Community? Let's put this in perspective:

Sarah Palin: 1,858,320 fans

Toby Keith: 342,783 fans

Homework: 35,461 fans

UNC Chapel Hill: 39,006 fans

Carpe Noctem Quarterly: 128 fans

Get it? You get it. We can all do better. Join here.

Aaand anonymous posts, y'all.

#1

"Bilakoro" - In the Wolof language of West Africa, it literally means un-purified but has come to be a slur for uncircumcised women. Some of the reasons for perpetuating the practice of female genital mutilation is the belief that being a "bilakoro" is incompatible with being clean and healthy, feminine and beautiful, modern and sexually healthy.

I didn't really understand this train of thought, but circumcision (both for males and females) has been a contentious issue for me all my life. I've become so comfortable, almost proud, of being an uncircumcised male, realizing once I became sexually active that I was in the minority among American white males.

That being said, in every sexual encounter I've had with a circumcised male, there has been quite a little outward surprise with my uncut penis. It never really had an effect on me, but last week, I had a one-night stand with an (uncircumcised) male who, hopefully jokingly, expressed disgust and racial superiority about circumcision. He made it seem as if uncircumcised penises only belonged on men of color, that he was somehow better because of his cut penis. He said it was dirty and weird.

Now, I'm not trying to say that I know what it feels like to be an un-mutilated woman in a society where FGM is the norm and I'm not trying to make a direct comparison between FGM and male circumcision performed by an American doctor (at least not today), but for that moment and in the days since I felt like a bilakoro. A part of my body that I was comfortable with, even proud of, became stigmatized and racialized.

This is the only time something like this has ever happened to me, and I can only hope that it is uncommon, but I just can't believe that such a backwards way of thinking can still exist among seemingly smart, "with-it", college-educated men.

#2

Exciting News!!! (link)

#3

i wonder if it's a good idea to date a woman on a different, but close, campus? Keeping things in the Duke, State, UNC triangle i mean. hmm... thoughts?

#4

Anonymous Posts (6.28.10-7.4.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

I am not one for bragging, but this weekend I saw John, Aliza, LC and J-Block while I was briefly home. This was an awesome time, and is the sort of thing that makes me superexcited to get back on campus.

Don't forget Womyn is now taking submissions, y'all.

Also know this. And read this.

And comment on our anonymous post! (And send one in yourself :) )

#1

I just wish other women on this campus would stay open to the idea of being with another woman.

Anonymous Posts (6.21.10-6.27.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

This post is already superlate, so I'm not going to delay much longer. Hope everyone in The City had a great time at Pride last weekend - I know that The Entire Community was together and I'm really upset/jealous I wasn't there. I miss y'all trillions.

#1

She or he or whatever they want to be

It’s concerning to you, I can see

Maybe tomorrow they’ll want to express

More freely

And you’ll stare

And wonder why they’re in a tie

When just yesterday

They were in a dress and isn’t

It a mess?

He or she or whatever they need to be

It’s puzzling you, I can already see

But dear the jokes on you

When your face is bent

In confusion

At the sight of them

In a tie and dress and isn’t

It a bigger mess?

You are she, you are he,

You will hold the hand of what you see

As the opposite of what you were

Born to be,

Male parts bind you to your tie

Female parts bind you to

Your dress

And if that’s where you find happiness

I wish you all the best

While your judging eyes

And thoughts make

You

The biggest mess

Anonymous Posts (6.14.10-6.20.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

What an epic weekend, y'all. Michelle and I drove down to Duke to pay our respects say goodbye to Chris Purcell on his last day. As depressing as this may be, though, it was an awesome trip and I saw Everybody That I Need To See In My Life Right Now. Sitting around the Center with Janie, Megan, Jack, Chris, Justin, Summer, Peg and Mish was probably one of the best parts of my summer so far. I know I've said it before, but I'm SO excited for this Community next semester. Especially since I've resolved that We are going to spend every weekend at Summer's place after excursions to pick various fruits (no pun intended (pun intended)). As JH said, we should do more "beautiful things" in our lives.

I also saw the incomparable co-presidents of UNC's GLBTSA, Billy Kluttz and Alex Kilkka. The LGBT retreat dates have been set for the fall, and it sounds like it might top last year's? Maybe? That would be a very difficult thing to do and we cannot really expect that, considering last year was The Greatest Time. So many hugs. But it really does seem that we'll see unprecedented collaboration among the Triangle schools' (and maybe more!) LGBT communities. Let's do this, Everybody.

In other news, Womyn, Duke's new queer women magazine, is taking applications this week for their review board. The application can be downloaded here, and We should all fill it out. Also, actual written submissions will be accepted beginning July 1st. Think they'll accept a sonnet about Summer Puente? Because I'm sort of banking on it.

Okokok. Anonymous posts.

#1
I love Pride.
It's the only time,space, place where I feel COMPLETELY accepted, loved, embraced. And there's so much overflowing community it's overwhelming. But in an amazing way.

On another note, I think it's the only time when people read me as queer. Which is so rare I'm not used ot it. that I don't know how I feel about it..proud, but a little disoriented? Maybe I should wear a rainbow pin or bracelet to try it out how it feels in the real world? Or is that totally unnecessary to try out?...

#2
"Call me wen u can."

That's all my sister's text said. She has never asked me to call her. She always tries to minimize the contact between us, seeing as though our relationship is anything but friendly.

"She knows."

That's what went through my mind. Repeatedly. Relentlessly. I was an emotional mess and I didn't know what I was going to do. Oddly enough, the fact that I didn't know what to do is a big step from where I was before coming to Duke. Had it been last year, before my freshman year started, I would have prepared myself to outright deny anything that would label me as being gay. Not today. I actually considered just giving in and finally letting go of the secret that has bound and silenced me for eighteen years.

While putting off the inevitable, I thought about everything that could happen. Being kicked out, being rejected by every single family member, losing those I love. These situations are the most extreme; I have no substantial proof to neither quell nor confirm these outcomes. But being at Duke has changed me. I have grown tired of the facade I wear back at home. Here at Duke I don't have to pay attention to every single detail, details that could somehow lead to suspicion, suspicions that could lead to accusations. I have weighed the pros and cons in regards to coming out. Unfortunately, for many reasons, legitimate or not, I decided against coming out this summer. Call it cowardice, call it fear, call it insecurity. Heck, maybe those are accurate, but I do know that I am not quite ready yet. But I digress.

After failing to calm myself I managed to call my sister. Each second waiting for her to answer the phone allowed my mind to think of every negative outcome. I felt relieved after listening to her voicemail message, but I knew it wasn't over. A couple minutes later she called me back and I asked myself I could answer. I did. Long story short, it had nothing to do with me being gay. You'd think I let out a huge sigh of relief and laughed about it after hanging up. I didn't. In fact, I felt even worse. The reasons? I thought about how unfair society is. How people live their lives tormented by a secret. Why people even have to go through all this. This story may or may not have significance, but I'll share it anyways. I wish I didn't have to post it as an anon, but it's best that way.

I couldn't bring myself to hit done. Rob. Vague enough for the world outside of Duke, but personal enough for my community. Now I can hit done.

#3
I went back and forth debating whether or not to send this anonymous post in, but in the end I figure I might as well- I've GOT to get these thoughts out!! So i'm taking summer school at UNC, and sometimes i'll see other lesbians around campus. Well, I think they're gay but of course I can't be 100% sure. :) anyways, I really wanted to meet someone this summer. I have so much extra time on my hands and I'd love to just take someone out to dinner or something, maybe start something up, but i have no CLUE how to go about meeting someone.

argh, frustration.

alrighty, done venting for now :)

Anonymous Posts (6.7.10-6.13.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Just got back from DC Pride with a bunch of Dukies. Simply epic. Pride is a cathartic and comforting showing of solidarity in a country that seems to want nothing to do with "others." Having said that, I have never felt more pale and out of shape in my life.

Anyhow. I think I've hijacked the blog enough this week, so I'm just going to get to the anonymous posts.

#1

Right now nothing is more difficult than figuring out whether I also like men or whether I'm just trying to distract myself from other issues in my life. It used to come and go in high school, so upon entering college I chalked my feelings up to teenage angst. But these days I'm starting to feel that way regularly and I know I'm much more on top of things than I was as a high schooler. To be frank, I'm completely petrified at the idea of approaching another man, let alone telling close friends or family members. I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn't care what other people think of him, but I know the things some of my friends say and I can't help but wonder whether they'd ever feel like they could act like themselves around me. And why am I even thinking about coming out? I'm not even sure if I'm being honest with myself at this point.

And just like that, Zealots by the Fugees came up on iTunes and I feel better for the time being. Thank you for bearing with my rant. May you all haunt MCs like Mephistopheles. That's a reference to the song I'm listening to, in case I just confused everyone.

#1.5

Follow up to my post (had The Fugees song): Clearly I'm a true hipster. I want people to think I have good taste in music even when I'm anonymous :P