How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love San Antonio...Not

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how much I’m going to miss my Duke/Durham LGBT community this summer. I think my homeland has some potential and it’s nice to have a mission but…

I’ll probably just spend my time doing research and making websites and hanging out with people I already know instead of taking on the gargantuan task of assembling a cohesive LGBT woman-identified community. Though I’ve already broken down my task into manageable parts and sent some e-mails, I still feel sorry that I live in San Antonio and not metropolitan, livable, liberal, "we’re not really part of Texas", Austin (gag me with a fucking spoon.) I could commute one hour plus in horrid traffic to go to the discussion groups at the LGBT youth community center and the hipster lesbian clubs. I probably will just because I’m going to Austin anyway to work with professors at UT. Late-nighting will be difficult since I don’t have any friends who live in Austin (I don't want to repeat the Homeless Challenge.) Making friends in Austin is high on my to-do list.

Even if I volunteer at the few LGBT organizations and art spaces and go to the (male/straight/American Eagle butch dominated) gay clubs in San Antonio I doubt I’ll become a part of a legitimate community or find an acceptable hook-up. This is partly because I have difficulty talking to total strangers and partly because I rarely find someone I want to talk to.

I’m leaving Duke just as I realize that a great lesbian community exists in Durham. I have well-connected friends (ahem Summer.) And I might actually see the women I meet again. Though I’ve lived in San Antonio my whole life I have a paltry LGBT network. I semi-regularly communicate with two queer women. Maybe I fucked up in high school. I spent too much time doing math problems and not enough time getting to know the girls on the softball team. When I got pissed off that no LGBT youth community/resources existed I merely changed my Facebook status.

Now that I’m an anonymous college-age human rather than a wholesome youth I think I would have more options. I can go clubbing all I want but finding a hook-up isn’t as a mechanical, guaranteed process as it is for gay men. When it comes down to it, my desire to build community and serve the LGBT community has always stemmed from my desire for hot women. The more people I meet and the more involved I become, the higher my chances are of meeting a woman who fits my esoteric qualifications (non-white, butch-ish or femme-like, indie, artsy, conventional haircut, internationally-minded, certain piercings, intelligent, tall, fashionable, D&D free.) Though my interest has lusty origins, I can now say that being part of such a community has rewards beyond meeting people to hook-up with. The truth is that the women I’ve hooked up with don’t go to the Center. Some people don't feel the need to be part of the LGBT club. I admire their spontaneity. I can't leave my sex life up to chance. The cholos who used to hit on me on the bus are starting to look good. Maybe I should use this summer to squeeze the gray areas out of myself instead of trying to squeeze the LGBT out of San Antonio.

As I wonder what/who I’m going to do this summer, I can’t help but be bitter that I’m from San Antonio, whose motto is “Keep San Antonio Lame.” Sure, it’s better than being from middle-of-nowhere Iowa, but having to hunt for LGBT shit that’s open to women is getting old. I’ve promised myself that this is the last summer I’ll spend in San Antonio. I don’t care if Harvey Milk told me to “Stay in San Antonio and fight!” He probably never went there himself.

Friday Night

19 yr old wht duke student, 6’3”, 200lbs. brown/green, ddf, athletic. hwp plz, only looking for ppl around my age, if u cld be my dad I wont reply. i can host, or go to urs. hit me up if you’re looking for nsa fun, ur pics get mine.

Every night countless personals like the above go up on what I like to call the ‘Core Four’ of dating websites - Craigslist, Manhunt, Adam4Adam and Gaydar. Just like the sororities except with fewer champagne breakfasts, but just as many secret rituals. There’s not a lot of originality to be found in these ads. You’re either gl or vgl (good looking or very good looking, vvgl would be shameless). The number of body physiques isn’t particularly diverse either - you can either be athletic or have a swimmer’s body. And God help you if you aren’t hwp (height-weight proportional). Unsurprisingly, everyone’s looking for the same thing - nsa (no strings attached) fun. Exactly what is meant by fun can vary wildly. (I’ve found that it’s usually safe to assume that it’s not an offer to gift livestock in FarmVille though). In fact, the only real chance at artistic expression is how much you want to expose on camera - a tasteful nipple, navel, or perhaps the entire nether-region?

Of course it’s very easy to sit back and mock these types of personals, and the faces behind them. And to do so is hypocritical of me - I used these sites for years. But it really begs the question - why do so many college age gay and bisexual men (and I recognize women do too, though the number is much smaller), even those who are out, seek out ‘fun’ on these websites?

For those in the closet, the answer is relatively simple - the internet offers an anonymous outlet for their sexual desires - the 21st century equivalent of a public cruising spot (or the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport if you're a Republican politician). It’s a little more complex for those out of the closet. Even though it’s not their only available avenue for meeting other gay and bisexual men, out guys are still prolific on these websites. I think the real reason is more than just gay men being somehow inherently more promiscuous than the general population.

Focusing specifically on campus, I suspect it stems partly from Duke’s lack of a real dating culture. In lieu of this, people turn to what will give them quick gratification - even if it is devoid of intimacy. The heterosexual community has Shooters for random hookups, while the gays have Craigslist. You don’t need to frequent either to hook up with someone at Duke - but they’re probably the most rapid ways of doing so. So it’s really not that surprising that so many out gay and bisexual men use personals as a quick way to get off - especially considering hectic college lives. In fact, glancing through Craigslist will show that many Dukies are taking multitasking to the extreme, arranging hookups in Wilson Gym or Perkins Library.

My hope is that eventually we’ll progress to the point where we live in a community where Craigslist and all the other sites have largely outlived their purpose. So how do we get there? To be honest I'm not really sure, though I can think of a number of ways that would improve the situation. First would be to acknowledge the issue, instead of sweeping it under the rug. Without dialog and discussion on this taboo issue, little progress can be made in tackling it. Second would be to address students' sense of identity and self-worth through various programming, which is of course what the LGBT center already seeks to do. Coupled with a gradually improving campus environment towards LGBT individuals, this would ideally lead to a Duke where students feel more secure in themselves, and less inclined to seek out random gratification.

In the end, random hookups, while immediately gratifying, are usually superficial, and I think the general well-being of the community would greatly improved with dating and relationship cultures that are more open. The pace of change definitely isn't rapid, but I do think that we're moving towards a healthier, more organic environment in this regard.