Anonymous Posts (7.19.10-7.25.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

So one of the coolest things that we did last year was the rainbow flag campaign. Especially for visiting high school students, this conveys that there is a community on campus. Alumni commented to Janie how warming it was to see the progress we've made.

And nothing's more testament to that than this old Chronicle article from September 2005 I found. Some snippets:

A flag hanging outside a window on Duke's East Campus prompted heated discussion Monday night after some students in Giles Dormitory expressed concern over the banner and requested its removal.
...

"I recognize the room is kind of central [over the Giles entrance], so what goes on... outside the window might be construed as representing the dorm," Thian said. "I am against homosexuality, however this is a free country and they have the right to say what they want to say."

For the record, the flag stayed. But anyhow. Worth a read (as are these old op-eds: My right to not support gay and lesbian groups (2002), Gay? Not fine by me (2003)).

We've actually got a handful of anonymous posts today, which is freaking awesome. The summer! This is over the summer. That we are getting so many posts. So cool.

P.S. Regarding #4 this week... I wasn't expecting this haha. Public compliments make me uncomfortable and this is super embarrassing, buuut I guess if it was anybody else (like ALIZA or SUMMER or JUSTIN or OLI or ARI or #4 THEMSELF who are all infinitely more so The Best) I'd put it up.

#1
I don't know if I'm a lesbian. I'm just so confused. And I don't want to go to hell.

#2
I'm a UNC student who would love to meet more of the LGBT community at Duke. Is "Fab Friday" the best way to go about this or is there a better way?

#3
I couldn't think of a better way to communicate with ya'all, so this is a rather silly use of an anonymous post, but I think that this is amazing (link).

#4

I've known Chris Perry since he moved to Patchogue. We lost contact...had the same classes in HS (of course speaking AP courses). It does not surprise me that he would be living in Washington D.C. (assuming so?) and raising such awareness and stories for an amazing cause. It's inspiring to see his intelligence used as a...power...or yet a force. Highschool I went down the road of immaturity and made choices that could've put me in jail (while still keeping straight A's). But in the seat next to me he'd come to AP english and would just focus on knowledge and always trying to participate in whatever he could to make a stamp in something. Not even for himself....but to form something to create a greater good. I always craved to learn but wish I would've followed his example as many of his colleagues did during that time. To see him and this blog makes me know that these are the roads that must be focused on. Always collecting knowledge and using it for a greater good. I hope you are happy Chris. Best of wishes.

#5
Why me? Why am I subjugated to this life? More importantly, why am I forced to feel this way? I just want to be straight. To be able to have a girlfriend, with whom I hold hands and kiss in public without glaring eyes. I want to bring a girl to meet my parents. I don't want to have my father who looks upon homosexuality with repugnance. I can't stand lying to myself any longer. But I do not see how I will be able to stand my parents, knowing they will never look at me the same. Who knows if they would even fund my education. I just want a normal life. Get married and have children. While these possibilities are now beginning to become open to gays, it is still not the same. I am frightened by how the human brain can be formed to think such disdain toward homosexuality. How can an idea be so powerful? I seem to have everything going for me: I'm young and healthy, about to begin studying at one of the world's most prestigious universities, I'm attractive and likable. But to me, it is nothing more than façade. The thing I hate is also the thing I identify most to. My homosexuality has shaped who I am. I can't stand to hide from it any longer. Only three other people know, two of whom I hooked up with. I want to be open about who I am, I don't want to only hoop up with guys in clandestine locations hidden from society by the darkness of night. But in the end, I just want to be straight, and then I can live my happy life. Fuck you society. I'm sorry, I just have no other way to say it. Why must I live like this, why must I think like this? Realistically, I just want to be happy at Duke. I want to be who I am. But I will not succumb to the flawed beliefs of this society. I will be happy...but why must I fight for it. I'm not so naive to think that being straight would automatically yield happiness, but it seems it is so much more feasible. I want to get with guys; which, sure its superficial, but what 19 year old doesn't want sex? And then I ask, why do I feel that I am the only one who understands and accepts my sexual orientation?. Sure I loath it at times, but I know who I am. The last guy I hooked up with, for example, says he is actually straight and doesn't want to do this any more, which I'm fine with, but I feel it is bullshit. If you hook up with a guy, enjoy it and get an erection from it, how can you say you're not attracted to men? I was the first guy he hooked up with, so maybe he has been lying to himself for so long? I first hooked up with a guy my summer before 9th grade, so I guess I have had more time to experiment? But even then I understood I like guys. Throughout high school I had this "hook up buddy". However, it was an on and off thing. I understood if he didn't want to hook up with me, but so many times he would say he isn't in to this kind of stuff any more. This is what the last 5ish years have been like. Have I just found "bad" guys? Okay, my post has been kind of all over the place, but the idea I think I have been developing and venting is that this society is so fucked up (sorry for the language again). I know this idea isn't new, and that all of you can understand it, but seriously, why? Why are we, intelligent and supposedly rational beings, able, or perhaps forced, to believe these ideas. I really don't know where I'm going with this, I suppose as means of venting since I have no one to discuss this with when it concerns me personally. Quiero aprovechar el dia, pero ¿como puedo? Estoy ocultando del mundo con un velo de mentiras. Me pregunto, ¿quien eres? Y ya lo sé. Sin embargo, no puedo sentirlo. Ojala que un dia pueda ser contento con mi sexualidad y, sobre todo, mi vida. Sorry, I like to think/write in Spanish sometimes, haha even though I'm not a native speaker. So its near 3 am and I've run out of steam. I understand that I am gay, I just hope I can make the best of it for the next four years at Duke, and for the duration of my life.

#6
I can't stand that by coming out I broke my parents' hearts

To #4:

I always look forward to reading the anonymous posts on the BDU blog. They’re almost always incredibly enlightening and I think I come away with a new perspective on our community with each week’s set. As many others have said, I think the blog has an absolutely fantastic readership base.

An anonymous post (#4 in the most recent series here), particularly spoke to me this time. This poster speaks of how their excitement of their first Fab Friday at the Center quickly turned to disappointment. Expecting to make new friends and to be welcomed into the community, this person was completely ignored and excluded from the existing groups. Disenchanted, they left soon after.

Sadly, this is not the first time this has happened to a new visitor to Fab Friday or the LGBT Center. Often it is the reason that people are hesitant to stop by. It’s something that we all need to shoulder responsibility for too – I was at the last Fab Friday and didn’t talk to this person, for which I am truly sorry. Echoing what Chris Perry wrote, we can’t forget what it’s like to be shy or new to a situation – especially when we’ve been part of a group for so long.

In fact, my first experience with the LGBT Center was not altogether dissimilar to this poster’s. During the months leading up to my arrival at Duke, I had researched the LGBT resources and groups on campus and was well aware of the first Fab Friday event. Building up my confidence to actually go along was a whole other story however. Having finally resolved myself to attend, I took the long inside entrance to the LGBT Center through the West Union. (There was no way you were getting me to walk through a door that so flamboyantly proclaimed ‘DUKE CENTER FOR LGBT LIFE’ in plain view of the Plaza. You may as well have asked me to perform drag through the Marketplace.) My hands shook and my heart pounded as I pushed the door open. (I apologize if this sounds like a bad crime novel.) The first person I met, Janie, was as welcoming and inviting as she could be – she and Chris [Ed. Note: Purcell!] truly deserve a lot of praise for how they make new-timers feel welcome. In contrast however, the main room full of people was extremely intimidating. I knew no one, nor was I approached by anyone and within five minutes I was standing awkwardly beside the table of food. The sole consolation was that the cupcakes were amazing.

Like so many other students, I’ve been fortunate enough to have had some extremely positive experiences with the Center, Fab Fridays and the Duke LGBT community despite my first awkward experience. But it is so important for us to remember that there are many people who have not had good experiences, or are intimidated by even the prospect of visiting. It’s all too easy to forget that others exist once we feel comfortable in our own established groups and cliques – this is definitely something that I’m guilty of. This is particularly true for the LGBTQ community, where people may already feel uncomfortable expressing or promoting themselves, even without the additional difficulty of breaking into new social circles.

So, #4, I want to praise you for your courage for coming to Fab Friday for the first time. I truly am sorry that your experience turned out not to be what you hoped. But I am really glad that you decided to share it with us, because it is so valuable for everyone to be aware of this issue. I really hope that you will come back to the LGBT Center, Fab Friday, or a BDU event and that you have a much more welcoming and positive experience. I really hope you’ll become a part of our community, because we’d love to have you. I know I’m going to make more of an effort to reach out to newcomers and I know that so many others in our community will too. For everyone reading, I want to challenge you all to speak with someone who you haven’t met, who’s new, or who seems shy, the next time the opportunity arises. It’s a cliché, but it really can mean a whole lot for that person.

Anonymous Posts(3.22.10-3.28.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Hey you guys.

1) We had a ton of pre-frosh visit the Center this weekend and it was pretty much The Most Awesome. I would never have the confidence to do that in a million years, and I'm realizing that these younger generations are bold. Thanks for hanging out! Hope to see you all in the Fall.

2) Walk by Kilgo J when you can. We are making the section look like an LGBT SLG. It's legit. Let us know if you want a flag, too! We'll even hang it for you :) Apparently, someone wrote a letter to RLHS complaining about the rainbow flags, citing an obscure line in building code. This is good! We are pissing intolerant people off! That means we're doing our job.

Lots of awesome posts this week. Comment time!

#1

LOVE IT. Jane Lynch is an amazing woman. Sue Sylvester on the other hand thinks we've gotta watch out for all those "sneaky gays" out there! Check it out and get PUMPED for Glee starting again soon!!

[Ed. Note: I'm going to be honest, #1. This sort of sounds like the work of a PR person at Fox. This is very ad-like and most likely a blatant pandering to our Glee-obsessed gay community. But having said that, OMG CAN'T WAIT.]

#2

HELLO BDU. the posters you unleashed on campus today were extroardinary. YES

[Ed. Note: I know! The No Homo(phobia) campaign was incredibly successful. Everyone involved just GOT. IT. last week, and are pretty much my heros. Mason Plumlee even signed our pledge! More information about the anti-hate speech campaign here.]

#3

I want to cry. I want to lie down in my bed and cry my eyes out like a little child. It's not a problem of identifying. I know who I am. It's a problem of finding someone special for me. And I guess being a gay guy doesn't make it any easier. Everyone's already in relationships or don't want one. Or they don't want me. It's really frustrating you know? And there's nothing I can do about it. I'm always the friend, never the boyfriend. I'm always there for them no matter what, but who's there for me? I guess I'm just a helpless romantic. I've always imagined being able to call up or text my boyfriend after a long day of classes and grabbing lunch and eating in the gardens or something. But it's never happened. And I don't know what to do. Everyone tells me to be patient but for how long? I'm a very patient person but by God! I can only be patient to a certain degree. I just want someone to spend my time with. Someone to watch a movie with. Is that so much to ask for? Maybe it is. I don't know. I'd love to feel wanted for once in my life. I guess I'll just have to settle with being the friend for now. Being the best friend that secretly has a crush on you. The one that is always there for you. Always the shoulder to cry on. And then, in that moment of weakness, admit my feelings to you, hoping that something will spark in your mind. Hoping that you'll remember that it was me who was always there for you, that it's me who you really want. I know this post may not be about a pressing gay issue, but for me, I can't stop thinking about it.

[Ed. Note: I can't really do better than the "be patient" advice because that's all you can do. It's just not sensible to ever think that you've met everyone that you're ever going to meet. We are young [!] and all it takes is one person to make it all completely worth it. This sounds cliche! Pretty much The Most Cliche. You'd think I was taking Cliche 101 at Cliche University. But it's true! A LOT can change in even one night. Hang in there, #3, you'll be alright :)]

#4

When I first entered the LGBT Center for Fab Friday, I was excited, happy, thrilled, anxious. I was ready to meet all the new people and for once feel at home and welcomed. I felt like I could be myself and make new friends without being judged. I didn't know anyone there, had no previous connections, had seen some people around campus but that was it. I walked in at 4:32. I left at 5:08. 36 minutes. In those 36 minutes, all of my emotions were reversed. I was hurt, sad, depressed. Why you ask? No one talked to me. Not one person. Yeah, I come off as quiet and shy but once you get to talking to me, I kinda have trouble getting myself to shut up. But no one tried. Everyone was fractured off into their own very distinct groups. There was little correspondence between groups. For the most part, they all moved together. Being new there, I of course had no group to join so I just stood along the outside, observing everything, getting a drink and some snacks every once in a while. In what turned out to be a futile attempt, I tried to join one group, only to be ignored for the usual Fab Friday goers. Ever since then, I have not set foot in the Center again and never felt really attached to the gay community. Thankfully, I've had an awesome group of open and understanding friends that have been there to help me through my rough times. It just hurts when your own community inadvertently treats you like an exile. It took me a while to write this. I don't want to criticize the Center, I'm sure it's a great place with great people, but I just wanted to let you know that it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to pay more attention to new faces. I don't know if I'll be returning to the Center anytime soon but when or if I do, I hope my experience is better.

[Ed. Note: I'm really happy this was posted here. I think you offer a great perspective on how coming to The Center can feel for those who aren't regulars. This entry embodies one of the major goals of the blog - to educate the out community at Duke. We can't lose sight of what it's like to be shy, closeted, new, etc. here. I promise to go up to new people at Fab Friday, #4, including you when you come back this week and give us another try :)]

#5

[Ed. Note: This is a sweet video put together by The Center about Coming Out Day at Duke. Really well done, and a good idea of what this awesome event is like. See you in 2010!]

#6

Shit is hitting the fan right now.

In a good way, I think.

Things are changing faster than expected. I was in for so so so so long. And now I’m out. Yeah, there are still people who I need to tell, and people who I don’t want to tell, but for the most part, I am now officially a not-straight-woman (not positive on what lingo I want to go with). It’s weird because I never really was a straight woman...well, except for always. Should I hold a press conference or something? I guess that would be a little formal. A party? Too over-the-top. Maybe I’ll just tell people next time I see them. Or a mass text. Yes. No?

Anyways, it seems as though a huge, long era of my life is coming to an end. And I’m glad it is, in general, but I’m just not used to it being over. I’m not used to being able to tell people about my sexuality without having to rehearse it 15 [bajilion] times in my head first. I’m not used to saying out loud, “Wow, she’s gorgeous,” or not having to say “Yeah, I definitely think he’s cute.” I’m not used to being ready to face my future or to stop thinking about my depressive, suicidal past. But it’s time for me to move on. I definitely didn’t foresee any trouble in letting go of these things that I absolutely hated about my closeted life, but they are things that I strangely want to hold on to. They are emotions and experiences that I definitely don’t want to forget, but that I am also not sure I want to stop experiencing. It’s just weird- coming out seems to be losing its thrill, in a way. I loved coming out and then telling my story and answering questions, but now that I’m not wrestling with things I used to be wrestling with, telling my story seems extraneous. It’s weird and definitely unexpected that when I come out to someone and they just say “cool!” it’s kind of a let-down. Am I super twisted for feeling this way? It is very much possible that I am- and it won’t hurt my feelings if I get 15 [bajillion] comments saying “Yes, you should be straight up ecstatic that the response is ‘cool!’” I’m just wondering.

Anyways, I also wanted to thank you all for sharing your stories because I wouldn’t have understood mine (let alone started to share it) without you. I would also like to strongly encourage others who may have been in for so so so so long to come join me outside. It seems like it’ll be fun. And I selfishly want to have more people to play with! The more, the merrier, as they say. Girls/women (depending on which you prefer), I’m waiting for you, especially......now that I’m being honest and all :).

Ok, I’m signing this anonymously as I’m not quite ready yet to have people know who I don’t know know. Ya feel? If you read it slowly, I think that might make sense.

Also please comment on my post. Otherwise I will continue to post painfully long anonymous posts until I get 15 [bajilion] comments each. Seriously, I really want to hear what you have to say- anything at all.

Happy to have finally gotten together the guts to hit the "Done" button, and sad to be returning to my homework,

Anonymous from Bostock

[Ed. Note: You're my girl #6! I'm really glad you're moving ahead like this :) As for missing parts of your past, I'd say that there are many different ways to recreate that excitement. Personally, working on this blog and reading as people come out to themselves and others is just as thrilling as if I were going through it myself. Controversy's also fun - maybe you'd be interested in protesting with me and Aliza sometime. I'm sure we could find some people who wouldn't respond with "cool" haha. What you said about when you were depressed - that there are parts of this you don't want to forget - really resonates with me. There are many awful, awful episodes I've gone through in my life, but to be honest I think I'd do them all over again. Masochistic? Maybe. I just don't think I'd be the same person without those experiences. They've also given me first-hand knowledge on a lot of issues that I wouldn't otherwise have. (I'm holding you to your promise of painfully long anonymous posts, by the way :) )]

#7

I miss my LGBTA Dukies! I love the blog and enjoy seeing the great things you all are doing :-)

[Ed. Note: Awesome! It's pretty cool to see how this site finds people. Come back and visit, #7!]

"If it's one of my main identifiers, I shouldn’t feel bad about that. I don’t think it’s so bad." -Ari Bar-Mashiah on being gay

As I've done with several Duke students younger than I am, I have watched Ari transform into a strong individual, one who is much stronger than he realizes. Ari isn’t out to his family, but still provides an incredible force in our community at Duke. He rattled off a list of reasons to me about why he hasn’t come out yet to his family but he knows most of them are just excuses. We’ll all have our fingers crossed that Ari can have the strength this Winter Break to finally begin the conversations with his parents and siblings.

He’s a self-described social butterfly, but anyone who knows him would agree. In high school he was involved in many activities, but was only out to a select few. Although there was a GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance), Ari refers to it as SAG, the straight alliance for gay people. No one identified as gay. He didn’t like being closeted, but always had a hard time reconciling the way gays are portrayed in the media. He didn’t think people could be intelligent and gay at the same time.

Coming to Duke, and particularly his experiences with Project Build, paved the way for Ari’s integration to the LGBT Center and it’s social activities. For Ari, the LGBT community at Duke was much more than he had at home and for that he is “very, very thankful.” He says, “You wish there was always more, or at least, more out. If I would want to see something, I would want to see more gay couples holding hands, the peck on the cheek when they go to class on the Plaza. When it comes to the community, they’re not to blame. It’s the other students, and the stuff we have to deal with, like ripping down flags, it’s the bridge incident or the bench incident. I really love the LGBT community here.”

Ari takes a moment and gives tribute to another Center frequenter. It was so sweet and so true it needs to be shared here in this blog. I believe we should all take a moment and think about those we look up to and pay tribute wherever we can.

“There is no one here that I appreciate more in the LGBT community than Jack. By far. By far. By far. Jack has allowed me to feel more comfortable with myself, because I see how comfortable he is. He’s so unafraid. People can be inspiring in so many different ways, by being active and forward and political, and you see them being proactive. Jack is the silent fighter, he doesn’t have to say a word. It makes me so much more comfortable to come here.”

Ari is great at making people laugh and finds ways of relating to everyone. I asked Ari what his favorite LGBT event was at Duke. Here’s what he said: “You know what I fucking love? Fab Friday. I love Fab Friday. There’s so many good things at once. It’s Friday, I just got out of classes, and I see all these amazing people. You see people that you may only see once a week. And Jack makes great food.”

I know we’re all grateful for what Ari has added to our community, and it truly is a joy to see him grow and learn from the other wonderful people who support him.

Stay tuned to learn more about Ari next Thursday, and I promise there will be photos next time (y’all know how busy the last week of classes gets, cut me some slack!).