You have nothing to worry about. I just want to be a part of your life.

Today, many, many great things happened. I was sitting in the Trinity Café at the Chocolate Fountain Social, thinking, reflecting, soaking in the great energy, and laughing at the chocolate that was all over everyone’s faces and noses.

I think in a few short hours, several things came full circle for me. The chocolate fountain social was my first LGBT event when I was a freshman, latched on to Chris Purcell. Now, there are so many new faces! It was wonderful to see. And of course, the oldies (but goodies) who I love to see: Janie Long, Jack Grote, Chris Perry, Justin Harris, Megan Weinand, Olly Wilson, AJ Biggers, Michelle, Aliza…and so many others (I’m not excluding your names for malicious intent, I am just unsure of your level of outness).

I also got news today that I have the opportunity to be in next semester’s show of The Laramie Project. (So psyched!) So while sitting there, just chatting and taking a few photos, I just got the most incredible feeling of how fortunate I am to have all of you in my life. The LGBT Center and Blue Devils United have single handedly provided the best kind of community I could have hoped for. Perhaps this is the sentimental senior in me talking, but I know I am truly lucky to be a part of your lives. So amidst this reflection, I made the decision to start putting some really important conversations in motion.

I left the Chocolate Fountain Social and I called my Nana, to come out to her.

Now, if you know my family’s religious affiliation, you can imagine why I’ve put this off for so long. And to be honest, I have always been terrified of losing my birth family, and my access to their lives. Nana was definitely shocked, because she said, “Well, this is a HUGE shock.”

But you know what? I just told her I feel like I’ve had so much good news to share and I am so happy, that nothing should keep me from communicating with my family. I told her about my house and living with my partner, and how I just want to be sure and respect her boundaries and be open to her questions and opinions.

And she told me, “You have nothing to worry about. I just want to be a part of your life.”

This is so, so, so much better of a conversation than I anticipated. She made sure to remind me what her religious beliefs were, but she did so in the most respectful, beautiful, understanding way. It’ll still be a process, and I’m sure once she recovers from the shock, we can have more conversations.

“Life is too short, it’s not my job to judge anyone.” –My Nana

Thank you all so much for providing the best support and the best community I could have ever hoped for. It is through seeing your smiling faces, as well as hearing any turmoil/struggle/doubt that makes me feel so free to be me.

When I think back to this time freshman year, I would have never believed that things would have turned out this way, but I know I will always look back and think of all of you and be so proud to know you.


Much love, and hope for bright futures,

Summer Puente

Spreading the Love(=Love)

I recently returned from summer classes in Vermont, and I am so thrilled to be back in queer Durham, in my haus/zoo, and of course, the LGBT Center (there are new chairs!)

This summer was so transformative for me. I am so much more comfortable with my body, my sexuality, and my goals for the future. I know all of the gushy goodness gets sickening sometimes, but I spent way too long being sad. And with all the great things happening this year in Durham and at Duke, I can hardly contain my excitement. Folks, we have so much work to do!

I don’t know if you’ve heard about Womyn. But I hope you know that Megan, Jack and I will not stop harassing your Facebooks, this blog, your dorm rooms, your friends, your plaza, etc, until it is finished.

Also, some really, really super news. There is a new free bus called the Bull City Connector that goes from Duke all the way into Golden Belt! Don’t know what Golden Belt is? Well that’s proof that you don’t get off campus enough.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW QUEER DURHAM IS?! It’s soooo queer. You’re missing out on so much! So I hope to keep all of you informed as best as I can about the goings-on in town, because it is absolutely worth it.

To continue my excitement, The Pinhook has now changed its regulations to be 18 and up! There are constant queer things and dance parties and all kinds of goodness that you should investigate.

Some events coming up:

Queerbaret on August 20th, for those of you in town.

This weekend is also the Queerrilla Film Festival! Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Come out and support the love.

Also, a shameless plug for my partner’s show this Sunday at the Pinhook.

I’m not sure if you can tell, but I’m very excited for my friendlies to come home and explore with me. If you’re apprehensive about this semester, I think my enthusiasm is contagious, so you can come play with my kitties and eat cookies.

Much love, anticipation to see the oldies and meet the newbies, hope for a better year and a growing community of support and affection,

Summ

Coming Out to Nana

In the entry I wrote on January 14th, 2010, I told a horrible story about a conversation I had with one of my grandmothers where she mentioned damnation to all gays. Two days ago, on Thursday (I am writing this on Saturday), I called her up. As context I want to say that we're not too close, mostly based on a rough relationship with my mother. So I was catching up with her on the phone, and I told her all about moving off campus and how great life is etc etc.

Then there was the perfect window to out myself.

"So, are you seeing anyone?"

AHHHHHHHH. BREATHE. BREATHE. It's okay. She won't hate you.

"Yes." (Ughhh cop out!)

"What's he do?"

"Actually, Nana, I'm dating a female."

I did it. The whole time, I could feel my heart pounding out of my chest. Maybe it wasn't a radical type of honesty since I had to be led by questions, but I didn't avert and I didn't lie. Then I proceeded to tell her all about Hilary.

I could sense her pauses between sentences getting longer and longer, she was clearly choosing her words carefully. She sounded sad. But then she said, "All I want is for you to be happy." Even if that's not totally true, she's being a trooper and I appreciate her effort so much. She talked about how angry and depressed I was six months ago and how she can really feel the changes I've made and how well I'm doing.

So the people in my family who know: My dad, mom, one nana, Ashleigh (my sister) and Brock (my brother). After telling this nana, I wouldn't be surprised if word got around quick to that side of the family. But I'm so much closer to my dad's side. I've got another set of grandparents, aunts and uncles… What's keeping me from telling them about my great news and joy?

I've spent several occasions (probably amounting up to hours at this point) talking to Megan about this. She encouraged me to tell my family in person because it's so much more intimate. I get that, I definitely do. But if the next chance I get to go home is in December, then it will have been a year since I've seen them, and a year since I've been with Hilary. It's already been six months.

And I figure since telling the first nana was the most terrifying, it can't be all that bad. And on a side note, what's more important, telling them I'm gay? Or telling them I'm in a gay relationship? OR telling them I live with my partner?!

I feel like I'm moving too quickly along in my life to exclude them much longer, otherwise I will be like a stranger living a double life, and that sure as hell isn't happening again.

Thus, I find myself empathizing with so many of you, and whose stories I've collected or heard.

Change of Scenery

I moved in with my partner.

For those of you who aren't my Facebook friends and can't follow my insane joy and random photos of my Durham summer adventures…let me backtrack.

I tested the waters on a few friends first…"I think I might move in with Hilary…" and tried to gauge people's reactions. Overall, the responses were uncertain, or trying to be polite, some were nervous. I don't blame any of you--the pervasive hook-up culture at Duke and unknown world of Durham and its queers can be a cloud of impenetrable-ness. Then came the next phase…"We've been looking for a place…," then finally, "WE SIGNED A LEASE TODAY!"

The reactions didn't change much. I got the occasional, "So now we REALLY won't see you." (coughChrisPerrycough)

The Duke campus isn't bliss for all of us. In my case, I'm not talking about hate speech or feeling unwelcome on campus because of the general student body versus my queerness. I'm talking about class and I'm talking about ethnicity. On the surface, I've got white skin and blue eyes. I blend in okay unless I'm intentionally trying not to (which has been more of the case lately). But I'm Mexican. I was raised Mexican. No, I don't have the best Spanish in the world, but I come from a working class neighborhood of Mexicans. That's what I know, and what I love.

I try not to make everything about money, or judge folks on their privilege. We're all born into different circumstances and I love everyone in the LGBT community for different reasons. But for me and my mental health, I need folks who can commiserate with me a bit more on financial issues.

Speeding up to the last month, I feel like I've finally accomplished that.

For those of you who have kept up with my summer adventures, I moved off campus into a house of four other Durhamite women, including my partner. We've got three cats, a dog, and a bird (ridiculous, I know). Everyone in the house is partnered…and we've become quite social. So the house is a bit of a zoo. But a lovely home we've christened 'Lockamy.' (To discover why this name was picked, you'd have to come over, so make plans to visit me in the fall!)

My friend Anthony and I have also been fond of calling the place 'Estrogenhaus.'

Recently, I've been laughing so much. Hysterics from tickling, giggles from baking in my massive kitchen, joy from the animals doing silly things. So much happiness. I feel like the most fortunate woman. But I wanted to write to you all today because I know what the struggle feels like. I want to honor and celebrate the good times, but the fight through mental health and reducing isolation can be a lonely one.

I hope to open my house to you all. I know what staying on campus too long does to me. The effects are probably different for some folks, and I know plenty of students that love the campus and never see any reason to leave. But there is so much greatness in Durham, there are so many good people, and I urge you to explore it with me next year.

The Pinhook has recently started having nights that are open to 18+ and they have some very fun events, we will most definitely have weekend brunches at my house, and hopefully some WLW events. I'm not trying to make you vom with my love, I'm just saying that it's been a three year struggle for me (so for any first years reading this, if it gets bad for you, don't wait for it to get worse! Come have cookies and play with my kitten), and I want to help any part of my community that I can.

Also, I'm currently in the airport on my way to a language immersion program, so I won't be in touch for the next 7 weeks since I'm not allowed to do anything in English. Maybe I'll move this blog into the bilingual realm and post a Spanish entry. ^_^

Please have a great summer, I can't wait to see all of your beautiful faces in the fall!

PS. A bunch of my friends who are in a Durham arts collective (DURTY) are planning a music festival in August. I believe the 28th is the tentative planned date. I know lots of you will be here by then and it should be a huge party with tons of local kids and bands. Please come! It will be a great opportunity to begin building bridges between Durham kids and Duke kids!

Ticks.

So first I should probably just note where I’ve been this whole semester. I had been so sure of myself: on this mission to present my community with interviews and photos. I loved doing it. But then, as some of you know, my last subject’s parents found the entries…the blog. What ensued was not the greatest of circumstances for this individual. I had the permission and everything but I couldn’t escape this feeling of guilt. I stopped writing. What right did I have to put someone in that position of pain and hurt?

I think I reflected on it too much. I was scared that I threw myself out there, and was trying to pull out everyone with me. To be supergay, or ultragay, or gay before anything else. To take the risk and out ourselves on campus, online. That’s a big step. Deep down, I still absolutely agree that being just us was the goal of my entries: to show the broader experience of queer folks at Duke.

But being more out has not been without its hate.

Reactions from family and friends and complete strangers have been interesting. Although I am perhaps more hesitant now to post online, I know these stories are important to tell. So I hope you can bear with me in this post. I hope to continue posting during the summer and make up for my absence and overcome the fears that have piled up on me this semester.

There were two events that occurred really close together. They were my most direct and blunt experience with hate speech. I tried to brush it off and not let it get to me, but I’ve kept replaying these events over and over in my mind over the past few weeks. The first—was on LDOC. For those of you who have seen Patrick’s Documentary, LDOC 2009 was a great memorable experience for me. LDOC 2010 was tons of fun too, don’t get me wrong. But while kissing a female in the crowd while the bands were playing, I suddenly became aware of the people talking around us. I tuned in to a pair of guys next to us, hearing: “They’re kissing each other, that’s fucking disgusting.”

I can delight in the attention and reaction and help show a broader spectrum of female sexuality, the girl I was kissing certainly was. But I don’t really like being told that I’m fucking disgusting. It tore through me like I didn’t know it would. I shocked myself with how much it hurt.

Then, awhile later, the second event. Walking down Markham, hand-in-hand with my partner, a gentleman took it upon himself to lean out of his car and yell, “God made Adam and Eve!”

Not so piercing, no. But what if it was? What if something happened?

The only thing you can really do is laugh it off. Crack jokes. Be stronger...somehow. How do I do that?

I went to the Eno a few days ago, on a hot humid Durham day. I jumped right in that damn river. The peace and serenity of it all was overdue. Listening to the river flow slowly by, sitting on a soggy log, watching the dragonflies dance. I even got a tick! I’ve been terrified of ticks my whole life, but somehow it felt like a milestone. I picked it off without an issue, and maybe I’m sinking too far into hippiedom for my own good but I was pretty excited.

This semester was huge for me. A coming of age with hate speech and ticks. My grades weren’t what I wanted them to be—but are they ever? And I talked to my dad yesterday and while on the subject of coming out to the family he said: Summer, I just want you to include in your life whoever you want to be in it.

I don’t think he knows what that means to me, to us. It made my big ol heart want to explode.

Transparency and honesty are hard. It’s what I’ve made out 2010 to be. So far so good I think.

"I do identify as a gay man, but I don't let it define me."

Well here we are, January 28, 2010 and back to the regularly scheduled programming for my Thursday blog entries. The next two weeks will focus on the illustrious (although freshman) Gordon Wilson. Our conversation was enlightening for me, partially due to his positive outlook on attending a southern university and being out and gay, and partially due to his very apparent adoration of public speaking and politics. This smiling peer of ours is social through lots of campus involvement and seems to know who everyone is, and quite frankly intimidating to me since I can be kind of a recluse. But you don’t want to know about that. You want to know about Gordon!

One of the biggest differences that Gordon noticed between his high school and Duke is the number of out lesbian couples. Although he mentions “there was never a gay couple at [his] high school,” the girls were more audacious. I was surprised at this admission and how this topic keeps cropping up over and over. Even within the past few days, my women friends and I have discussed the hidden pockets of queer/lesbian/bisexual women, and how we’re dying to know who you are. It’s definitely been a hot topic in the Center. (Shameless plug: There is a Women Loving Women meeting in the Center tonight!) Sorry, back to Gordon, but he was the one that brought up out women in the first place.

Due to his involvement with politics (in high school and here at Duke), which will be discussed further in depth next week, Gordon often faces the question of his identity with some caution. He identifies as a gay man, but as someone who plays the role of a public figure as well, the general population tends to let that be the only marker on the radar. In high school, slander was used against his sexual orientation to make him lose a position. Getting outed in high school made him deal early on with a lot of issues, but has also helped him come to terms with a lot of his internal struggle before coming to Duke (some processes that occur much later for other Duke students, myself included). He adds, “but I still get this tension and get this apprehension, but I think it’s the politician inside me that wants to appeal to a broad range of people, and wondering if [my orientation] would stop someone’s affiliation with me. My desire to be accepted and to appeal to a large group of people was perhaps derived from being gay, but initially, it was perhaps out of, ‘if they vote for me, that means they like me, and they accept me, and I’m okay’ you know?”

I’m sure many of us do know what that anxiety of acceptance feels like. The Duke students striving for perfection within an intense academic environment of course adds to this. I want to encourage you all to share your own stories of how you identify acceptance and what that looks like in your world.

But perhaps more importantly, I wanted to share Gordon’s very positive outlook on being out at a school like Duke. Maybe it is his inner politician speaking, but this is what he has to say:

Here they [Duke students] are more willing to get involved, because our community has more space to grow. We have room to change. In some other schools like NYU, everyone is out and having a gay old time because they don’t feel the need to get involved and grow. There is so much of the world that needs change, we have an interesting opportunity to take this to other parts of the world.

Clearly, Gordon wants to be part of the change he talks about. Like many students, his favorite LGBT event on campus is Coming Out Day on the Plaza. It gave him a chance to be more out and promote visibility on campus. He’s very modest about his active involvement in his organizations, but this does ultimately lead him to getting to know a lot of people. Fortunately for us, Gordon feels the responsibility of being an out role model for other students who are still coming out of the closet. So one of this major goals this semester is to try and push his own limits for speaking up more and being a better ally for the entire community, as well as an out gay male. There is a moment that haunts him from high school, when he didn’t speak up for a female classmate who was being hassled and called a dyke. Gordon too has been in moments where no one would stick up for him when he didn’t feel like he had a voice. “Helping someone else feel comfortable,” Gordon confessed, “makes me feel more gratified than getting an A or getting someone’s vote.”

But reaching that level of comfort isn’t easy. While doing this interview, Gordon and I were sitting in the Dillo—the first superpublic place that I’ve conducted one of my interviews. I debated moving to a quieter location out of earshot of other students, and at this point in our discussion, Gordon brought up his slight discomfort regarding others around us overhearing the interview. I like my interviewees to feel at ease and in a safe space with me, but it also sparked Gordon to say that he wish he felt more self assured and identified it as an area of growth for himself.

Please come back next week to read more about Gordon’s experience at PWild and his other interests outside the realm of the LGBTQA world.

Welcome home everybody.

I can’t tell you how great it feels to be back in Durham again. I know I haven’t posted in two weeks, mostly because I felt it would be repetitive and circuitous since I haven’t taken any big steps in this long process of figuring out who the hell I am and who I want to be. I’m trying to be patient with myself. But there have been some changes.
I mentioned in a comment in my last blog entry about the singular follow-up conversation I had with my dad. It was strictly political and started by him, weaving through certain subjects such as adoption, a transgender documentary he saw on television, gay elected officials and my encouragement for him to use the term intersex instead of hermaphrodite. I was so thrilled and our conversation was so quick paced that I think I’ve found the platform in which to begin talking about gay issues more. My expectation is to start edging that door open so that maybe someday I can bring a partner over for dinner regardless of gender. Just babysteps for now. He needs to know I’m still his little girl just looking for happiness and a safe, respectful relationship.

But a conversation I had with my maternal grandmother a few days ago hit close to my heart in how far the rest of my family would need to come. Quoting scripture to me for over hour, she damned all the gays straight to hell as easily as if she were watering her garden. She told me that I shaved my head because I don’t want men to look at me anymore. I think part of that may be true. I was too exhausted from the conversation to retort. I didn’t even know what to say after she expressed resentment towards Muslims and how they want to blow everybody up. Maybe I’ll write it off as a lost cause, maybe I’ll find another way to reach out to her in the future. Who knows.

All I can really say right now is that going to the LGBT Center is a breath of fresh air and happiness and delight and hopefulness and just general good feelings all around.

So without a real way to transition here, I’m just going to shift gears here and make another plea for your stories. I’m looking for out individuals who would like to share their story for this blog. The entries on Ari and Viviana are examples of my work, and as you can tell (if you’re read them) is they differ very much. I simply wish to show who you are, right now in the year 2010, with all of your identifiers and idiosyncrasies that you express to the world. You can email me at spp12@duke.edu or summer.puente@duke.edu or shoot me a Facebook message if you’re interested. I would love to tell your story and get to know my community better.

I’m not gonna lie: I need some support too right now. This is part of the reason I jumped into this position. I’ve got a lot of growing to do…we all do. We should try and tie this community tighter and I believe the best way that can be done is through honesty and transparency and shared experience. You’re the ones that make my blog possible. Let’s do this.

I love you all. I love your strength and your courage and I’m honored to be a part of your lives and your history.

When Winter Break Starts Feeling Too Long...

I didn’t want my blog entries to be about me—I wanted them to be about other people. Find, learn, and record the very important stories of my peers. That was my goal. That was why I wanted to participate as a writer, even though I’m very critical of my writing ability.

But it’s winter break, I just came out to my dad, and I’m freaking out, so please forgive the creative license I’m taking here. I hope you don’t mind if I’m using this blog as a tool for some of my own thought processes that I need to go through. I’m expecting that getting this out will help me from feeling so trapped. I’m going to try and speak in general terms, since this is going online and we seem to have many readers. But I want to be honest and as transparent as possible.

I’m hurting a lot. I don’t know if it’s because being home is hard, or if it’s because my dad and I haven’t had a follow up conversation yet, or if it’s because I feel stuck, or if it’s because I’m changing faster than the people around me. It’s probably a combination of all of these things. And I’m not known for my patience.

What is supposed to happen next? Why did I open up to my dad when I came home? When I need my community most, why am I 3,000 miles from my safe haven? I’m not regretting that I did it, but maybe I should have double-checked my access to socializing a little better first. I’m definitely stoked for the LGBT Discussion Group. (Chris, please schedule one early in the semester!) Or it could be that all this stress is coming from the Holiday Season. I’m not a big fan of holidays. But we won’t get into that.

I must say, I’m kind of crushed that no one is updating over break. I know everyone is super busy but there ARE people who AREN’T as busy. So you should even write a few short paragraphs about something. Anything. So that way, when I’m checking the blog for the twentieth time, there will be something new to read, some hilarious insight to films, or sexual health, or coming out. Please post. Anonymous readers, please submit something.

Like I said, I don’t want to go into details. Those will be freely given on a one on one basis if you’d like to know more about me. I like new friends, and closer friends. I hope this transmits my overall feeling of anxiety and loneliness. 17 days until I’m back in Durham, but who’s counting?

I’m so excited for the LGBT Center Spring programming, and I don’t even know what events there will be yet. But I’m sure they’re gonna be great.

As a few final notes:

I want to encourage all the Duke women to submit to the All of the Above show. Here’s the Facebook link, it’s an amazing production.

I shaved my head while I was still at Duke…to make my big steps feel a little more tangible…so that’s what the photo is all about.

Also thankful for all my friends who have made it home safely from abroad (those storms seemed to detain many of you) and safe travels to those heading out in the spring.

Thank you so much for all of your comments last week.

Do you want to know me? I'd like to know you too.

Everyone… I’m freaking out. I’m terrified, things are changing and I’m swept up in a huge transition. I wanted to make this blog strictly about putting a face to the LGBTQA community, to interview others and to get closer to those I didn’t know.

What I wasn’t exactly anticipating was the questions I’d get in return…or the challenges to identify…to come out. Since my time at Duke, I haven’t put a name to my orientation. I hide safe behind my Ally card while urging others to come out to their parents, their friends, and their professors. I’ve spent a lot of time in heterosexual relationships so I don’t have to deal with questions or confrontation, prejudice or hate.

But then I met Ashe. And everything changed.

If you don’t know Ashe, you NEED to. I’m not gonna tell her story because I haven’t asked her yet. Although I don’t think she’d mind, I’m big on asking permission. So I’ll save that for another time, and just tell my side. She helped me see a ton of the inconsistencies in what I believed in: to push others to tell their parents about their sexuality while I was able to happily avoid mine. I know some people shouldn’t be pushed, some people aren’t ready to be pushed, and some people don’t respond to aggressive pushing, so it’s definitely not something that I would recommend for everyone. But it worked for me.

So on Tuesday night, I came out to my dad.

I still don’t identify with one label because I have this issue with thinking that I’m appropriating a community that isn’t entirely mine yet (Let’s work on that). I know it’ll be a process. I think the term Bisexual gets a lot of grief (which NEEDS to be talked about), and I like the term Queer a lot. Maybe if I let it marinate a little bit I might be able to use that. But I’m not there yet.

I don’t mean to commandeer this blog entry and tell the details of my coming out story because I’ve finally had to really empathize with how intimate and difficult it really is. My conversation with my dad went a lot worse than I expected…but it wasn’t horrible. It ended with a hug and an “I love you” from him, so I’m counting myself incredibly fortunate and hoping that time will help it be less difficult.

It’s hard to put this online. As I’m typing this, I’m doubting my decision to put it online….because I’m scared. But if I dare to collect stories and give peoples names and photos and personal information, then I want to be on the front lines. We need to stand in solidarity and talk about safe sex, and sexual abuse, and relationships, and transgender issues, and adoption, and so many other things.

My name is Summer Puente and I want to stand next to you, not just behind you.

“At Thanksgiving, it’s the turkey next to the kabob next to the hummus.”

I wish you could have been there as Ari shared his life with me. He comes from a Republican family in a town of 7000 people in Long Island. His high school was mostly white and Jewish, and by the time he graduated, was only out to four people. As we learned from last week’s blog entry, he didn’t like being closeted in high school since he didn’t have anyone to talk to about it.

Ari is a Jewish Israeli, with a mom from Tel Aviv and a father who served in Lebanon for six months. His family came to the United Stated based on persecution, so even though he does not consider himself very religious, he still feels very strongly about Jewish ethics and culture. “At Thanksgiving, it’s the turkey next to the kabob next to the hummus.” He remains very curious about his background and where he comes from, he says he knows it sounds cliché but “as an American I’ve become very detached, but I want to know more about my family.”

He spends his time reading and doing work (and watching films, as we know from his great film reviews on this blog). From how he talks about his shows, I can tell he watches a lot of TV too. Our interview was long and detailed and wonderful and he rattled off a list of his favorite things: The History Boys movie (Chris is going to make fun of him for this) [Ed. Note: Yeah, I am. This is The Weirdest Movie, Ari.], In Cold Blood, Into the Wild, The Smiths, his grandma’s food, New York pizza and bagels…

Ari is sensitive and hilarious but he showed a different side of himself when we sat down to talk. Granted, I don’t know Ari incredibly well in the first place, but it was great to listen to him wonder about the future. “I look forward to knowing how everything pans out. Where am I gonna be working? I don’t even know. It sounds so cheesy, but who am I gonna be marrying in Greenwich Connecticut and then going to where they accept me. I look forward to my parent’s acceptance as much as their growing process. I know my parents, I know what their reaction is gonna be. I want to see where my indecisiveness leads me.”

Our time together was interrupted due to the BDU meeting that was starting but I was able to get a little bit more information out of him. We talked about regrets, and he acknowledges that he’s going at his own pace so he doesn’t regret coming out sooner. He mentions that he regrets not being closer with his brother, but as he was saying this he realized that it’s definitely something he can still change. (So change it!)

One thing I do every night is think about three things I’m thankful for, so I ask this same question of my interviewees. Ari says, “Today I am thankful for my close friends here and at home, I’m thankful for (this goes back to the Jack thing) the LGBT students that are so comfortable with themselves, and I’m thankful I’m done with my history class.” I’m certain that we’re all thankful Ari is in our lives and I hope that he can continue to be a strong individual and be that beacon of light for some new individuals who are learning how to come out with their heads held high.

"If it's one of my main identifiers, I shouldn’t feel bad about that. I don’t think it’s so bad." -Ari Bar-Mashiah on being gay

As I've done with several Duke students younger than I am, I have watched Ari transform into a strong individual, one who is much stronger than he realizes. Ari isn’t out to his family, but still provides an incredible force in our community at Duke. He rattled off a list of reasons to me about why he hasn’t come out yet to his family but he knows most of them are just excuses. We’ll all have our fingers crossed that Ari can have the strength this Winter Break to finally begin the conversations with his parents and siblings.

He’s a self-described social butterfly, but anyone who knows him would agree. In high school he was involved in many activities, but was only out to a select few. Although there was a GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance), Ari refers to it as SAG, the straight alliance for gay people. No one identified as gay. He didn’t like being closeted, but always had a hard time reconciling the way gays are portrayed in the media. He didn’t think people could be intelligent and gay at the same time.

Coming to Duke, and particularly his experiences with Project Build, paved the way for Ari’s integration to the LGBT Center and it’s social activities. For Ari, the LGBT community at Duke was much more than he had at home and for that he is “very, very thankful.” He says, “You wish there was always more, or at least, more out. If I would want to see something, I would want to see more gay couples holding hands, the peck on the cheek when they go to class on the Plaza. When it comes to the community, they’re not to blame. It’s the other students, and the stuff we have to deal with, like ripping down flags, it’s the bridge incident or the bench incident. I really love the LGBT community here.”

Ari takes a moment and gives tribute to another Center frequenter. It was so sweet and so true it needs to be shared here in this blog. I believe we should all take a moment and think about those we look up to and pay tribute wherever we can.

“There is no one here that I appreciate more in the LGBT community than Jack. By far. By far. By far. Jack has allowed me to feel more comfortable with myself, because I see how comfortable he is. He’s so unafraid. People can be inspiring in so many different ways, by being active and forward and political, and you see them being proactive. Jack is the silent fighter, he doesn’t have to say a word. It makes me so much more comfortable to come here.”

Ari is great at making people laugh and finds ways of relating to everyone. I asked Ari what his favorite LGBT event was at Duke. Here’s what he said: “You know what I fucking love? Fab Friday. I love Fab Friday. There’s so many good things at once. It’s Friday, I just got out of classes, and I see all these amazing people. You see people that you may only see once a week. And Jack makes great food.”

I know we’re all grateful for what Ari has added to our community, and it truly is a joy to see him grow and learn from the other wonderful people who support him.

Stay tuned to learn more about Ari next Thursday, and I promise there will be photos next time (y’all know how busy the last week of classes gets, cut me some slack!).

Viviana Santiago, Part Two

Now that I’ve kept you in suspense for a week about the story of the giant banana, it’s only fair that I finish it. Viviana, a few friends, and I recently went to the North Carolina State Fair in Raleigh, NC. It is truly an experience that each Duke student should have...even if getting there via public transportation is a bit tiring.



It was while walking in awe through the fairgrounds, amidst the cotton candy, rides that will kill you, and fried Oreos, that Viviana spotted it…one of those rip-off fair games with larger than life prizes.

Fortunately for her, it was a gigantic fruit that she instantly fell in love with and had to have. After lending her $20 in pursuit of the prize, she finally won it, then almost got into a fight because she hit a girl with it. It was a stuffed disaster waiting to happen. Luckily, we made it out okay, and even the banana was unharmed. Just a day in the life with Vivz.

Ahem. Now onto serious business. Our dear stuffed-prize lover was born in Caracas, Venezuela but now lives in Gainesville, FL. Her all time favorite things ever are: Law and order, pigeons and penguins, Mean Girls, The Devils Highway, Party in the USA, Halloween and Diet Coke. All of us who go to BDU meetings regularly are privy to the infamous “Awkward Icebreakers,” which begin each of our sessions. I won’t give away the secrets to Viviana’s wonderfully absurd methods of calling order when we’re all speaking at once, but trust me they’re effective. As another teaser, they can involve: moustaches, trumpets, awkward turtles, and exceptionally awkward hand turkeys. You should come to our meetings, and meet other cool people.


One thing I think we’ve all noticed is Viviana’s rise to leadership. I know she is proud of herself for being a leader, and I would agree that she is a shining BDU president. Although she can be soft spoken, and definitely isn’t what one would consider a ‘typical student leader,’ her efforts this semester for our student group have been amazing.

She often speaks with pride of her mother, as well. She tells me about the new English words her mom is learning and employing in conversations. Her mother is also taking classes, has joined a bowling league, and volunteers at the public library. I don’t think talking about parents is trite and I think it’s important to watch how Viviana talks about her own. Clearly, she loves her mother and looks up to her and expresses pride in her mother’s ability to step outside her comfort zone. I know we’ve all seen Viviana do that herself and rise up to lead us in our programming this semester.

Viviana is a self-described 1.5 Latina. I encourage you to ask her yourself what that means to her. This identification has made her feel “in between” but makes it her goal to “[help] people feel like they belong … because [she] never really had a group.” The point of these Thursday bio blogs is not to just give profiles, but to push my readers to really get to know the individuals I feature. I bet you didn’t know that Viviana plays the flute and almost went to a music school before choosing Duke. I also bet you didn’t know that she’s writing a thesis on eco-feminism and spirituality. Ask her about it. Start conversations. There is more that connects us beyond the LGBT Center. We should all step outside our comfort zones and find out what makes other people get up in the morning.



Want your story featured? Would you like to help others see beyond the LGBTQA label? If you would like to volunteer yourself for me to conduct an interview with you, or would like to nominate another individual, please post a comment or contact me at summer.puente@duke.edu or spp12@duke.edu. Thank you!

“Summer, I need the giant banana. I need it.”

So who goes to the LGBT Center anyway? Have you ever been there? Do you want to go, but are scared? It’s ok, I was scared too. My first few times were terrifying. I clung to Chris Purcell, the Program Coordinator, because I didn’t know anyone else. Now I go there all the time.

Sure, sometimes it’s empty and eerily quiet in the morning hours, but as the day passes several people stop in to check their e-mail, try to do homework, eat, and hang out. In all honesty, it’s my haven and there’s no other place I prefer on campus. I keep to myself quite a bit, but the Center is a safe space where I don’t have to worry about anything but being a twenty-year-old Duke student who’s procrastinating just like everyone else.

My Thursday blog entries are developed from interviews I am in the process of conducting and friendships I continue to form through interactions in and out of the center. I want to put a face to our strongest allies. I want to put a story to those LGBTQ-identified students/faculty/staff who remain passionate in their dedication to whatever gets them up in the morning. I will present these tenacious individuals, who do their part in making Duke’s campus a more accepting place, not just a tolerant one, first through their devotion to LGBTQA issues. The following week, I will highlight the other components of their lives that make them who they are and the paths they’ve followed to get here, to show the multidimensionality of our community members.

Welcome to part one of my first victim profile.

There are few people at Duke who make me feel genuine happiness like she does. Perhaps it is her unyielding devotion to Peg, the LGBT Center’s Staff Specialist, or perhaps it is her pet cacti and unmatched sense of humor. She is someone I admire and someone who I look for to change a bad day around. Today and next Thursday’s blog entries will be devoted to her.

It is my pleasure to introduce you to Viviana Santiago. Come back next week to learn more about the giant banana.

Aside from her amazing collection of Facebook profile pictures, you should know Viviana because she is the president of Blue Devils United, and quite easily one of the most hilarious people I know. Her leadership this year has brought our undergraduate student group closer together and amused in meetings with her quirky attitude. It is sitting in these meetings, as Viviana tries to use noisemakers to call order and attention, that I feel most connected with our community. She is also part of the Center student staff, and part of her duties place her in charge of planning for the Women Loving Women group.

And this is what Viviana has to say about the Center: “I like the people that come in and work there, they’re funny and have a different perspective that you can’t find anywhere else on campus.” But she also notes some changes she’d like to see, “I wish more people came, and a more diverse group of students on campus would come. I know there are some students who would never come. I wish the president would come visit.” She especially hopes that there would be more Duke women who felt more comfortable being visible and in joining the community.

Coming Out Day is her favorite LGBT event on campus because it reminds people that the community is not invisible and it truly gives allies a chance to show their support. Many who we never see at the Center come out to support our cause.

Now, I have a few more personal comments to make about Viviana, so excuse the sentimentality if that isn’t your cup of tea. I first met Viviana in a House Course she co-taught called Latinos in Durham in the spring of my freshman year. She was incredibly quiet. I’d say we’ve only been friends a short while, but her presence in my life in and out of the Center has already produced a ton of amazing memories. I’d like to share more of my stories about this amazing woman, so please come back next week for the continuation of this article to learn more about her giant banana adventure, her Latina identity, and more.