WOMYN Wednesday!

[WOMYN magazine is excited to announce that we will be featuring polls from our community in the magazine! We want to hear what you have to say about LGBTQ issues, queer women and Duke. The general goal of WOMYN magazine is to increase the visibility of queer women on this campus.]

Thank you to everyone who participated in last week's poll. The responses were great, and if you haven't voted yet you still can.

This week's WOMYN poll is:

"What is your favorite event at the LGBT Center?"

Click here to vote!

(You can view the results of the poll in WOMYN magazine when it hits campus late fall semester!)

Whether it's Fabulous Friday, the weekly Friday afternoon gathering from 4-6pm, or the Women Loving Women meetings which allow LGBTQ-identified women to build community monthly with shared dinner and conversation, the events that take place at the Center for LGBT Life at Duke offer a lot throughout the year. Which event is your favorite? Let us know by voting in the weekly WOMYN poll!

(Visit the Center for LGBT Life's website for more information, and post in the comments section if you want to share your ideas and experiences. We hope you are as excited as we are to come to all of the events again in a few short weeks!)

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Need an idea of what to submit to WOMYN? We're looking for various people to write short commentary pieces on the results of one of our polls. Contact us at womynatduke@gmail.com with a past poll topic that you'd like to anaylze, and we'll give you the results to write a piece!

Check out our website for more information on how to submit. (The submission deadline is September 15th, but there's no reason to wait!) All are highly encouraged to submit - LGBTQ and straight-allied. Anyone with a Duke affiliation is eligible to write for WOMYN.

10 things (LGBTQA style)

[Note: Reply and add your own ideas to the list!]

Wow, so freshman orientation starts in less than 2 weeks! I remember that crazy-hot week like it was yesterday. If you're an incoming student, and you are anything like me, you're really excited, super nervous and generally unsure of what college is "really" like.

So, I don't even pretend to have college figured out (just ask my Physics 54L professor), but I wanted to come up with a short list of the things that I wish I would have known as an incoming student and lesbian woman. (I'm not sure I would have even listened to this at the time, but it would have helped.)

10 things I wish I would have known coming to Duke as a freshwoman (LGBTQA style):

10. Being out on campus from the very beginning might have been a lot easier (than coming out two years later).

9. Going to the LGBT Center does not automatically define or label you one way or the other. Going to the LGBT Center means you are going to the LGBT Center.

8. People in college are generally more liberal and accepting than the people back home.

7. Taking a LGBTQ-studies class won’t help you find a date (well, it didn’t help this author at any rate), but it can help you feel more comfortable about talking about sexuality in general. The same would go for a Women's Studies or Sexuality course. (The class is Psych 143S: "Clincal Issues in LGBTQ" taught in the spring, in case you're interested!)

6. Going to CAPS to talk about being LGBT might just be one of the best decisions you make.

5. The North Carolina LGBT Pride march happens off of Duke's East campus September 25th.

4. Straight allies can be just as active in the LGBT Center as those who identify as queer (sometimes more active!).

3. The world doesn't explode when you walk through the Center doors, and black holes don't suddenly appear. Also (this refers to me, maybe not the reader), you're really not that interesting, so crowds of people aren't watching you enter either.

2. Get to know Janie Long and Peg Helminski.

1. Coming out on Facebook is a great decision if you’re up for it. Just block your Aunt/Uncle/Cousin/Grandmother/other family-you’re-not-out-to-yet, and tell them college got “too hard” to keep up with Facebook. (College life and home life intersect in a weird way on the internet sometimes.)

And... the one thing I wouldn't have bothered to tell myself, because I know I had to learn this on my own, and in my own way:

0. No one here (who is anybody) really cares.
About, well, you know.

Anonymous Posts(4.12.10-4.18.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

So. Much. To. Discuss.

First off, we all know that GLEE returned last week. It was okay? Jonathan Groff is marginally attractive at best with his hair like that (fellow Spring Awakening alum Matt Doyle remains infinitely awesomer and my husband). Also, can we just delete Schuster and Emma's plot line in its entirety? Let's just get rid of it. It is tedious, repetitive and does not involve Kurt, Mercedes or Sue Sylvester. It would also mean we would hear much less of Schuster's singing, which is something that we can all agree is a very good thing. The Best Thing.

Songs that have hello in them is also an insanely lame theme. I propose that "Telephone" be the key word in a future episode. #amiright?

Also, we got a RANGE of anonymous posts this week. Please respond to as many as you can, and make sure that every entry gets a comment. It's superimportant, especially with this batch, y'all. I know that normally I comment on the posts within this post, but I've been told that's sort of pretentious. Maybe! Obviously, I never meant to make my commentary or advice any sort of official response because I am an idiot 21 year old that is an idiot and 21 years old. It should trump the opinion of no one. I really just wanted to thank everyone officially on behalf of the Staff for sending something in. But maybe! I do not want to risk anything! So Imma put everything in the comments section from now on. My name's Chris for all of y'all that don't know :)

Ok. Let's do this.

#1

I am disgusted by gay people and I don't want to be. I know a few gay people and think of them as my friends, but inside I just can't shake this revulsion. I have the most respect for those who stay in the closet even though I know it's not healthy for them to do that. Sometimes I think it's really insensitive of me to harbor these feelings of disgust, but at least I keep them inside and don't show my revulsion outwardly. How can I possibly be accepting of gays when in my experience here at Duke, it only seems like they're trying to get attention any way they can? I'd love to meet just one gay person who isn't flamboyant as hell and seems sincere to me. Otherwise I just think that homosexuality is a bid for attention. Like I said, I don't want to feel this way. I just don't know how to feel differently.

#2

I don't know how I feel about homosexuality but evolutionarily it doesn't make any sense. Can someone explain to me from an evolutionary perspective, how does homosexuality exist? Survival of the fittest generally means that those who don't reproduce get eliminated.

#3

Really liked the Day of Silence posters on campus. They meant less when I saw the people on the posters talking on Friday.

#4

I am always lonely, always hurting, even when I'm with my friends; when I hurt too much inside, I hurt myself. It would be better if I could show who I truly am, but I can't. I think that people only like me because I'm funny, but I'm only funny because I'm too scared to let them know how hard it is to get through every day. My humor is a mask. I started to come to the Center in hopes that I would somehow find the courage to really be myself, or to ask for help. And sometimes I manage to open up for a little while. But it's never enough, and as soon as I leave I put the mask back on.

#5

BDU, thank you for being silent. Thank you for saying everything by saying nothing at all. In my humble opinion, Friday's DOS was a huge success. The many posters that hung around campus for both DOS and the no homo(phobia) campaign sent an immensely powerful message to the Duke student body. I can imagine that many of you who were silent on Friday wondered if it was 'worth it'. Did this day of silence accomplish anything? Can our message be heard if we aren't saying anything? Will we see change on our campus because of our actions? You can rest assured, BDU, you were successful: I heard you.

I walked around campus on Friday completely humbled. You who are already brave and confident enough to live your lives out loud are willing to stand up for those who are not as strong as you. You fight against injustice, stigma, hateful words, and outright cruelty for people you don't even know. Through your silence, you stand in solidarity with someone in one of your classes, someone you've eaten dinner with occasionally, someone you pass on the plaza, someone you sit next to on the C1 every week. You give hope and strength to those who are silenced every day out of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of prejudice, fear of the truth. Your increasing presence on our campus is a daily reminder to the silent that there is a community ready and waiting to accept them with open arms when they are ready to speak. So thank you, BDU, for your participation in DOS. Thank you for being silent for me.

#6

Frustration.

Well, that's not really a good word to describe how I feel. Upset. Depressed. Angry. Overwhelmed, maybe? Terribly...sad. Eh, let's stick with frustrated.

The center is a great place. It's full of great people, great resources, and great events. But mostly great people.

The rest of the world. Is. Not.

It’s really hard sometimes, when you hang in the Center a lot, and all of your friends are friends of the Center, and your life really doesn't function very much outside of the Center. Then, it's really hard sometimes when you can't go to Center, when you have to present yourself to the rest of the world. I feel vulnerable, weak. Terribly exposed. Naked, even. But at the same time...cold. Sheltered, Isolated. Fortfied. By this wall that I build around myself when I'm not sure how you feel about me and my sexuality. When I hear your slurs and your comments, and when I let out my chuckle that's so fake it's awkward, mentally I'm cementing another brick onto my wall that I've built between me and you. And the world. Until, I've got so many bricks that I can't get out. What started out as a way to protect myself from you has now trapped me inside.

And let me tell you, it's real dark.

I can hear my own heart beating, louder than the muted sounds of life that are going on outside of this prison. Sometimes, I'd like to scream and see if anyone could hear me, but even if they heard would they know it? I grab a sledgehammer and try to break through these thick walls. I swing and smash and watch as the cement blocks turn to dust. Only now, the sledgehammer has become a razor, a pistol, alcohol, hydrocodone, and the dust is now my body, my spirit, my will, my MOTIVATION. Because I see infinitely more blocks behind that one.

All I can say is, thank God for the Center.

What do I do when I can't go there anymore? I think I am suffocating.

#7

See separate post.

#8

I know this is a recurring theme on the blog, but I feel like venting, so here goes. I guess I feel very lonely at Duke, not because I lack friends, because I don't, I have a fantastic group who are close to me. It stems more from the fact that after being here for a few years and I still haven't had a meaningful relationship. Every time I see the couples who are involved with the center, both male and female identified, I feel a pang of envy. Many of them seem so content and comfortable in each other's presence, which is fantastic and I'm really happy for them. My overriding, selfish thought however is "Why not me, what do they have that I don't?" The fact that Duke's LGBTQ community is so small just compounds it.

Perhaps I just haven't met the right person, perhaps my standards are too high, perhaps I'm just unlucky - it could be any number of reasons. Everyone tells me to be patient, to wait and that the right person will come along eventually. Rationally, I know that they're correct, but it's very difficult to be rational about something as emotive as a relationship.

I know I should be patient, not let it get to me and realize that many other people are in the exact same situation. But it's difficult. It's really worn down my self confidence and esteem over these past few years. I've started to wonder about what huge flaws I must have to make me so uninteresting to others and which cause me to fail whenever I pursue someone else.

So there's my spiel. For all those out there in the same situation, I truly empathize with you - I hope you meet that special person sometime soon. It'll be one less of us in this situation.

#9

I don't know what to do. I just got the call from Durham Public Health last week, and I'm still in a state of utter shock. I always knew that hooking up on the internet was sketchy and dangerous. I always felt badly about it…but what could I do? Most of the gays at the center won't even look at me, (Do they look at anyone without a nice camera and Common Ground apparel?) let alone pay me any romantic attention. I was desperate…I needed that close contact and intimacy that only being penetrated can provide. But the condom broke…and now my life is over. I'm HIV positive and I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone…but there's someone who has to know. I had unprotected sex a few weeks ago with a guy at Duke and I don't know how to tell him that he may be infected. There are lives at stake...

The Gay Confessional

My first confession: I’m really excited to be a part of this LGBT community here at Duke! For those of you who don’t know, I identify as a queer woman, but I only just started going to the Center at the end of last fall semester hoping to find something that affirmed that what I felt for women wasn’t unique. And I was pleasantly surprised! Not only did I find a group of Duke students that I found to be friendly, energetic, and genuine, I finally had a medium to admit (to myself) and to my peers who I am.

My second confession: I’m not really out. Because while I’ve been able to tell most of my closest friends that I’m gay, by no means have I had the time to tell all of them. What stops me? Couldn’t I just tell them all tomorrow and be done with it? Something stops me. Is it their repetitive usage of “no homo lol” after they hugged me on the Quad? Is it the sorority bag that they carry on their way into our mutual classes? Is it their Christianity, or in the case of many of my friends, their Catholicism?

Or maybe it’s just me. My experience would tell me that this last reason is most accurate. Just a few weeks ago I came out to one of my closest Catholic friends. This woman is my role model-she attends daily Mass like it’s class, she prays the rosary more times in a week than I take a shower (I shower daily for anyone who just doubted my cleanliness) and she just all-around embodies someone who has dedicated her life to Catholicism.

So it happened over lunch. Somehow the conversation quickly turned to, “Why don’t you date [insert boy’s name here]? You two are so perfect for each other!” As I sat there with my mouth ajar, she continued: “No Megan, seriously! I need to know the reason why! Because I can’t understand why you two wouldn’t be dating.”

The golden window of opportunity had just opened. I sit there, stunned. Did this just happen? These kinds of moments in your life don’t happen very often. I close my eyes and frantically try to race the pros and cons in my head: “Is this the right moment? She’s one of my closest friends.” I know I’ll kick myself later if I mess this up. I look around the Refectory tables and I get a gut instinct: “just do it," something inside of me says.

All of this time, I can’t help thinking-“but she’s Catholic, she’s really Catholic.” [Disclaimer: For those of you who don’t know the Catholic Church’s position on LGBT issues, the Church holds that gay people should be embraced and accepted in the church as fellow Catholics, but it condemns gay sexual acts.]

Anyway… So I just decide to go for it and tell her: “Well… I don’t want to date him because…I’m gay”. Before I have the opportunity to keep talking, she smiles and says, “that’s okay!!! That’s totally fine!” I feel like a baseball just hit me out of left field. Wait, I ask myself, does that mean she’s okay with it? And not just okay with it, but she’s smiling, and she’s glad I told her?!

That’s when I learned what I should have learned when I was a little girl. Those who care about you will always care about you. Those who matter don’t mind. She mattered. And so, she didn’t mind.

For all the “what-if-they-don’t-like-me-as-much-because-now-they-know-I’m-gay” worries that I had floating around in my head, I’m only recently starting to realize that I don’t need to anticipate that negativity. This Friday I came out to another one of my close friends over lunch, and she gave me wise advice. She said, “I find that there are perfect people in the world, and then there are people with problems. Honestly, I find that everyone always likes the people with problems better than the perfect people.” That made me smile. =) Now, being gay is by no means a problem-it’s a beautiful part of human sexuality. But her gist holds true universally-that people tend to like real, honest people better. And it has been my experience that with each new person I come out to, not only have I grown much closer to them, but I finally am able to anticipate positive reactions, because that’s all I’ve gotten. Coming out this past month has made me much more confident, stronger and oh-so-much wiser.

As I left lunch with that friend, she sent me a text that I think hits this point home: “I think it’s funny that I was sitting there worried you’d judge me for living with my boyfriend next year and you were worried I’d judge you for being gay. I anticipate we will face similar irony each time we tell someone new! I’m proud of you Megan!”

So, does that mean starting to come out has been easy? Absolutely not. There are going to be ignorant people wherever I go. But what I want you to know, (yes you reading this blog), is that despite the initial difficulties in coming out that I’ve experienced internally, all of them combined together do not even BEGIN to outweigh the amazing benefits that I’ve received since coming out. I know that my experience will not be like everyone’s, but the feeling of liberation, the thought of maybe finally being able to date someone who I’m crazy about (oh my gosh?!!! :), and the knowledge that I am finally being honest with people, has all just felt amazing.

I’ve learned two great things from coming out. If this starts sounding preachy, I profusely apologize. (I thought they were worth mentioning!)

First, I’m seeing that friends love you. They don’t just like you. Like implies that it could stop. I could like vanilla today, but I might like chocolate better tomorrow. My likes waver and change.

But my loves don’t. There’s something about a love that never dies inside of you-it is that trick birthday candle that you just can’t put out. I have been given this unique and blessed opportunity to see that my friends love me, for me. Not for the person that they thought I was, or for the person that they wanted me to become, but for me. Their love doesn’t change, and it doesn’t waver, no matter if that’s a “straight” Megan or a gay Megan. And that opportunity, to see that kind of loyalty, love and friendship has been really self-affirming.

The other equally greatest part of starting to come out has been coming to the Center (like I mentioned above!). It’s a whole community of people, gay and straight, who think just like you, and who affirm that you are okay just the way you are, right now. So that’s why I’d like to encourage you to come by the Center too! I was just talking to someone earlier today who told me, “oh, I know a lot of queer people, they just don’t come to the Center. Well, I really hope we can change that. If you don’t want to go to the Center by yourself, please find me on Facebook and 1) friend me (Megan Weinand), and 2) shoot me a message that says, “Hey, come to Fab Friday with me?” or even better, “Please come to BDU meetings with me." Trust me, I won’t think you’re weird. The only thing I’ll be is just so thrilled that you’re coming. =)

So these are the greatest things about coming out. But you know what? I’m only just starting. It’d be a lot cooler if you’d do it too. Come out with me.

My Two Cents

This has been a popular topic of interest as of late and I haven't chimed in before, but I'd like to offer my two cents.

I don’t know if I’m considered part of the ‘in crowd’ or not, but I’ve definitely felt like part of the ‘out crowd’ before. There's been at least one occassion when I popped into The Center to see what was going on and left soon thereafter. In between, I stood uncomfortably and felt really out of place. As my Duke career has continued on, I’ve gotten more and more involved.

The first thing I did related to The Center was to stop by early on in my freshman year to see what they offered in terms of resources and programming and stuff. I met Chris Purcell, who showed me around and introduced me to Janie (who I still didn’t really know personally until this semester). I don’t think I went back until the spring (still a freshman) when I attended to an ally training event. At the end of the year, around this time, I helped table for National Day of Silence because it was something I did in high school and wanted to continue to do. I think I might have made an appearance at a BDU meeting or two last year, as well…but they weren’t particularly great experiences. It still felt like everyone knew everyone else and I didn’t quite fit.

This year, I made it to a BDU meeting at the beginning and made it to some (but not all) subsequent ones thereafter. I started blogging as a way to contribute to the community on my own time and I got really involved with the anti-hate speech campaign. Since then things have really changed for the better. I’ve even recently started hanging out in the back room during chunks of down time in my day.

I’m sorry for that long explanation, but I wanted you to understand the evolution and spectrum of my experiences with The Center. I haven’t always been around or involved in all the ways that I currently am.

From my limited experiences, the best advice I have, and this doesn’t necessarily apply to # 1 but may apply to individuals who are really looking to be involved, is to join a committee and work on a specific project. BDU meetings alone don’t really introduce you to people and don’t facilitate making relationships with others. However, working on a project for BDU, much like working on a group project for a class, gave me a space to get to know a small number of individuals on a more personal level. For me, it was less intimidating to be a newbie in that smaller setting. And, because I was working on something I was really passionate about I felt comfortable just being myself. Getting to know those individuals opened the door for me to get to know others. I don’t know everyone…I’m constantly meeting new people in the back room or at a BDU meeting, but I feel really comfortable in the space that The Center creates.

To #1, to address why you “should go”: I don’t actually think every LGBTQA identified individual has to go to The Center or be involved with BDU or whatever, so I don't really feel comfortable telling you that "you should go." I do hope, though, that The Center meets everyone-who-is-looking-for-that-kind-of-space-or-community’s needs. I, personally, really value having a community focused around something that is a part of my life. A comparable example is my involvement with the Freeman Center for Jewish Life. There, and at The Center, I can engage in activities and conversations that I can’t (necessarily) do/have with my friends in my block or from my freshman dorm or, to a somewhat lesser extent, my classes. Whether it’s campaigning against hate speech or celebrating the Jewish Sabbath, these are things I love to talk and think about and to act on, but that I couldn’t do on my own or with friends I may know from elsewhere. If you can have these experiences with your group of friends then you don’t need The Center to fill a void for you. But for me, it fills a really important void. Or, if you have no burning desire to have these experiences, then that’s perfectly okay, too! Lastly, I can’t say enough about the kind of individuals I’ve met through BDU and/or The Center. These individuals are quirky, passionate, original, genuine and down to earth--some of the qualities that I value most in my friends. They are real. I don’t mean to be Debbie Downer or knock the rest of the Duke population, but I haven’t found that anywhere else (if you disagree, please show me what I’m missing on campus).

[stay tuned for a sports related column soon...sorry!]

To #1, Or how I learned to stop worrying and love the Center

[This is kind of out of the ordinary, but we got this anonymous entry today in response to another one that was posted on Monday. I figured it was time sensitive and also WAY too long to go in our regular post for next Monday so I'm just posting it now!]

As a non-Greek woman at Duke, I have a complicated relationship with sororities. A lot of women I sincerely admire and respect are members of them. But, during the wonderful day known as “Bid Day”, I find myself cringing at all their high-pitched wailing of Greek letters.

Now, I didn’t join a sorority, because like a lot of non-Greeks, I possessed an image in my mind of what a sorority girl was supposed to look and act like. I didn’t feel like I would belong, so I found alternative social circles to devote myself to. Honestly, I can say that I love the people I spend time with and I don’t regret my decision to not participate in Greek life. However, thinking about the justification behind my decision to refrain from sororities reveals some intriguing parallels with the common reasons people give for not coming to the Center. In this post, I hope to articulate my understanding of the current divide in the Duke LGBTQA community between Center “regulars” and Center “non-goers”. At the end, I also hope to provide an engaging incentive to attend Center programs other than “give us another try, we promise we’ll try to talk to you.”

Before I start, let me preface by saying that I am devotedly loyal to the Center. I work there, I socialize there, I eat there, etc. So yes, I am biased in favor of the Center, but give me a chance and hear me out.

From what I can discern, there are two main reasons why people don’t come to the Center. These reasons are not necessarily mutually exclusive and of course there are tons of other reasons why people don’t attend Center events. However, the two main ones I most commonly come across are:

1. Personal apprehension with being “visible”

2. Exclusivity

The first reason is a complicated one that most need to overcome individually. Of course, personal apprehension with being out could be alleviated with having a better and more inclusive campus culture. However, what I’m really interested in is the exclusivity that is associated with the Center.

What do people mean when they say that Fab Fridays are “exclusive”? Well, on a simple level, they mean cliques, coteries, the “in-crowd”. On a deeper level, they also may be referring to the behavior norms of Duke’s LGBT community.

It’s no secret that any community will have community “norms”—for better or worse. Norms include language, common interests, clothing style, you get the point. I think part of the reason some people don’t want to come to the Center is that they feel that they won’t fit in. Nobody wants to feel marginalized for not following the norm in larger society only to find that they are also outside the norms of a smaller community. Just as I had a preconceived image in my mind of what norms a sorority girl must follow, I think many students have an image of what queer life at the Center is.

Now, the LGBT community both at Duke and in the larger context (contrary to popular belief, there is a world beyond these gothic, pollinated borders) is unique in a lot of aspects, but it is especially distinct when it comes to norms of behavior. Usually, I believe you can’t rightfully criticize a community for having norms. Yes, you can challenge them, question them, fight them. But you can’t criticize a community for actually having a set of norms to operate in. In other words, you can challenge the law, break the law, fight the law. But you can’t criticize the existence of laws. Some of you anarchists may disagree with me, but I tend to think that having some sort of legal system is probably a smart thing for a civilization to have.

This principle of having a common set of norms holds for every community, except when it comes to the LGBT community. We are a group of people whose very existence challenges the propriety and utility of gender norms. In this same vein, I find it incredibly regressive when, as a community, we try to regulate how gay men and lesbians are supposed to act. For example, we shouldn’t use a love of Lady Gaga or the Indigo Girls as an indicator of someone’s sexual orientation. Sure, it’s funny. Maybe it may even be true most of the time. But, it’s still backwards to our mission as a community: to prove that sexuality cannot be embodied or encapsulated by mere physical appearance.

So how does this relate to me not joining a sorority and the Center in any way?

Well, even though I don’t regret my decision not to join a sorority, I do regret my reasons for doing so. I gave Greek life an unfair image without ever giving it half a chance to prove me otherwise. And, as someone recently pointed out to me, if my perception of sorority norms was so troublesome, I should have done more to engage with and change the norms.

So if you don’t come to the Center because you don’t particularly care for Lady Gaga and you don’t think you fit the community norms, I give you a personal challenge. We at the Center will do our best to reach out. But meet us halfway and challenge the way we define ourselves. The more diverse individuals with diverse interests we get, the better. With every new face and new personality at social events, the closer we are to proving that the LGBTQA community is more than the way we dress or the music we like. This is a truth that we must convey to the larger community, but, more importantly, to ourselves. See you at the next Fab Friday, Women Loving Women discussion, and/or Blue Devils United meeting :D.

-Michelle

Anonymous Posts(3.29.10-4.4.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

So last night we won the 2010 National Championship in Men's basketball. Cameron Indoor was packed and went absolutely nuts when we won. It was exhilarating to participate in my 3rd bonfire celebration at Duke.

Having said that, I feel as if this is an appropriate venue to express how bittersweet it is for me to beat Butler. Y'all might not know this, but two of my husbands are actually on their team - Gordon Hayward and Coach Brad Stevens. It's tough to console them after a loss like this, but what's really important is that we have each other (I hope Scheyer doesn't read this. It'd make for a pretty awkward date tonight).

Anyhow! Lot's of anonymous posts this week. Keep 'em coming!

#1

Hi BDU blog,

Firstly, let me say how much I enjoy reading this blog. Keep up the good work! Now, I would like to address a recent anonymous post and the discussion it seems to have stirred up. Let me give you my perspective: I'm a gay guy who has been out for a while, and I'm someone who is quite secure with my own sexual and social identity. I have a couple of gay friends who have all urged me to go to Fab Friday, but here's the thing: I've heard a lot about the cliqueness of the LGBT Center. What especially worries me is the angst I hear from a couple of regular attendees about how even they feel really excluded sometimes and how the entire environment oftentimes seems to be pretty Mean Girls-esque. Now, as I mentioned earlier, I am very happy socially with both my close friends and my extended social circle, and I suppose one might classify my social life as that of a stereotypical/traditional Duke student, except for the fact that I'm gay. My question that I would like to pose is this: as someone who is generally socially content, what reason do I have to go to the LGBT Center? It seems like there's a whole lot of y'all that are really passionate about the place, but I don't want to have a horror-story experience. Moreover, I really just don't get what my motivation should be for going. What do I stand to gain from going? I would really appreciate a response from anyone who has an opinion on this.

Thanks!

[Ed. Note: Great question, Number 1. A lot of us do really talk up The Center quite a bit. For me, personally, it is a place where I can always find some of my friends. The staff there - Peg, Janie and Chris - are so much fun and helpful. Always. It's hard to articulate, but I guess it's sort of an on-campus home for me, replete with parents and siblings :) As mentioned, we're truly working on the cliquiness - we don't mean to be!

But! But. The Center is not the only way to get involved with The Community on campus. It might not be for you right now! Clearly it's not the easiest thing to walk in to your first time without knowing anyone. But there is also Blue Devils United, our advocacy group on campus that meets every other Wednesday at 6 in The Center (not this week, but next). Those meetings are much more low-key in my opinion. Also! There is also the LGBT discussion group (I'm not sure if those are done for the semester, though, I'll ask) and of course our awesome BLOG that is meeting TONIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT (stay tuned for details!).]

#2

I am so frustrated. Don't get me wrong, I like being gay. I love loving women, because they are amazing. But so often I find myself falling for straight girls-or really, just girls in general on this campus, and it's SO FRUSTERATING because I have to just accept that it will never amount to anything. I feel like I am in a continuous cycle of liking girls who don't, and could *never* like me back, for reasons that they can't even control.

It's like I'm getting burnout. I'm burnout of always liking straight girls. Falling in love and just knowing that it's not reciprocated. Period. I know that, yes, maybe a nice gay girl will come along and I'll like her as much as I like all these straight girls, and then maybe I'll be lucky enough to have her like me too. But it's not too likely. And I'm not too keen on dating a girl I meet at the Center because there's so few of us and it would just make things so awkward.

And while I sit here and wait for me to meet that special someone, my heart just feels like it can't take this eternal singledom anymore. But it has to.

And in the mean time, it's falling left and right for straight girls.

[Ed. Note: This is kind of superfrustrating. I hear you, #2. You are describing, uh, all of high school and a good chunk of Duke for me. Patience I guess is really all that I can preach, as shitty as it makes me feel doing so. But bah! to being reluctant to date someone you met at The Center. They're My Favorites, and HOT COMMODS. You'd be doing yourself a disservice!]

#3

i compulsively submit anonymous posts.

[Ed. Note: Haha, I compulsively love you? All the time? Is that possible?]

#4

Even though you're gay, everytime you affirm my role in the community as an ally (implying/assuming that I'm straight) it just means that I'll be less likely to talk to you about my sexuality. There's a reason I don't flaunt my heterosexuality--and it isn't just because I think that that's a shitty thing to do. It's also because I don't really know if I am.

[Ed. Note: Oh, hey, #4. This is really important, and to be honest, this is a perspective or sentiment that I'd never thought of before. I've actually heard the opposite, more often, I think - that straight allies are constantly assumed to be LGBTQ. But definitely your situation is just as, well, oppressive. I really value posts like this because they help us as a Community improve in ways that I don't think we'd come up with on our own. /mush]

#5

So... I'm a little late, but I wanted to thank everyone involved in the no hate speech campaign recently. I went to a rural high school where one of my good friends was almost daily confronted with hate speech because of their sexuality... though I'm afraid it happens every where. =\ I was glad to see such a well put together event/posters bringing this problem to everyone's attention. Also, I was pretty impressed/ mesmerized by the rainbow cupcakes!! They were amazing. How did you get those perfect layers!?! ...my baking skills (i.e. boiling water) don't quite compare. =) Good work BDU!

[Ed. Note: NUMBER 5, I KNOW. The cupcakes! Apparently it was a very involved process and hopefully someone who was involved in the baking process can explain what went down. Thank you, though! Everyone did do an absolutely great job with what was like you said, a very important campaign.]

Anonymous Posts(2.15.10-3.21.10) (FINALLY)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Right. So.

It is clear that as an editor I've pretty much been The Worst in the past 3 weeks. There's no excuse for it, and I'm truly sorry for people who were upset by the lack of posts - specifically anonymous posts. I'm getting my act together, promise.

Since then, though, despite my complete failure, The Girls on the staff have just been crushing it on the blog. Veronica and Risa have been writing simply amazing pieces for the site (if you haven't checked them out, do so right now). Patrick deserves cred, too!

So here are the way way long overdue anonymous entries, yo.

#1

I don't know how I identify. Sometimes I think one thing, then later I'll think something else, and even later I'll be unsure again. And sometimes all of this bothers me. But The Center never fails me. Whenever I'm there I just always feel really empowered. The students there are unlike students I've met anywhere else on campus. In just a few words they are: grounded, passionate and eccentric. I love the "community" feeling that exists. And Janie, Chris and Peg always make me feel welcome. Thank you for facilitating this positive space on campus.

[Ed. Note: Amen. I have never been disappointed by a visit to the Center, either. To think that I was so anti-going freshman year! I don't even want to think about all the hugs I missed out on. Thank YOU for making my time there just as warming :)]

#2

Same shit, different gender. I am the one who expresses my feelings, sacrifices time and sleep, and is generally more invested. I thought being in a same-sex relationship would be easy because there would be certain commonalities in the way we think, but I was so wrong. Is there something in me that is attracted to taciturn people? It just pisses me off to think that I'm "the girl in the relationship" because that supports the stupid gender binary in addition to my clingy, dependent-on-my-significant-other tendencies...but it seems that that is the most accurate description of what's going on here. I guess it is just a personality thing, rather than a sexuality thing. Some people are attracted to blondes, I'm attracted to people who have trouble putting their feelings into words. Does anyone else find themselves taking on the same role in every relationship they're in? This is starting to get frustrating.

[Ed. Note: That is frustrating! Ambiguity in a relationship sucks, and yes, seems to be a Y chromosome thing. Feeling that you are putting in all of the effort with little positive feedback can be crippling. For some reason this short-lived show Ari (King of Obscure Entertainment) told me about once comes to mind, called "Tell Me You Love Me." Basically the premise was pretty much that: just... tell me you love me. Meh. I may be way off, but that's how your post resonates with me.]

#3

There are a ton of cute girls here, huh man?"

This sentence, and others like it, sometimes are my worst nightmare. I used to identify as gay, in fact, I've come out to my family back home, and all of my friends at Duke. The problem is, everywhere I go, I run into new challenges with coming out. You would think that once I was totally out in school, I would never go back into the closet, but for some reason, that hasn't been the case lately.

You see, I'm currently taking a semester off and doing an internship. At first I wasn't intending to go back into the closet, but sexuality really never comes up in my conversations, and I'm kind of tough to spot as gay, so people simply assume I'm straight. When people assume this, it seems so tough for me to correct them, because I don't want it to be awkward or anything. I just want to go with the flow, because I don't really mind, except for the fact that I'm hiding something that is a large part of my identity. It's such a catch-22, because I don't want to make things super awkward, but at the same time, the fact that I like guys is probably going to come up in all of my close friendships. I dunno, I guess I just really value my relationships with straight guys, because I don't identify very much with a lot of the gay community that i've met for some reason, I guess it's just not really my scene. I don't want to hide who I am, but at the same time, I don't want guys to think that I want to hit on them just because I like hanging out with them.

Not too sure where I'm going with this, but anyone have any advice?

[Ed. Note: Good post! Personally, I have many straight male friends that I'm completely out to (and always have been). It's never been a problem, and the honesty prevents really awkward and uncomfortable comments like the one you mentioned above. They've never felt uncomfortable around me (as far as I know) and we talk about everything. I don't think we give straight men enough credit - just as not all gays are not the same, not every heterosexual is a homophobe. At the same time, though! It can be really difficult to bring these things up on the fly or out of nowhere - today, someone asked me if the homework due tomorrow was gay. I didn't say anything (I really shoulda, and I'm pissed that I didn't). I'm still kind of working on that myself. Has anyone figured how to navigate these issues?]

#4

A friend of mine recently asked out a woman she had been interested in for weeks. She finally got up the nerve to ask her out and was overjoyed to get a yes. The date went fairly well, nothing spectacular but far from terrible. A few days later, my friend was approached by a mutual acquaintance of theirs and was simply told that the interest was not mutual. Rather than be cruel and say no at the outset, her hopes were raised and then dashed via a third party. This is the kind of thing we all used to see in middle school. I have heard countless other stories of avoidance and middlemen used to solve dating issues. If someone has the guts to put themselves out there, the least that can be done in return is to explain yourself (a “sry i think we shud just b friends” text is probably not the most well-mannered approach) and treat the other person with respect. So please, let’s collectively suck it up and endure the uncomfortable conversations and put an end to the middle school drama. We all deserve better. /end rant

[Ed. Note: Agreed. The Joe Jonas Breakup should not be the paradigm for communication at Duke. We can do better.]

#5

I'm a very outspoken ally but her comment challenged my pre-existing ideas in an unusual way. She was telling me about her boyfriend and how he was jealous that she was spending so much time with her best friend (another female). I almost made a comment that "well, you're into guys. so what's he so worried about?" except she explained that she's bi and her best friend is an ex before I had a chance to make my remark. I'd like to think that my thought wasn't homophobic or heteronormative (because I didn't assume that she was attracted to men), but I admit that it was assuming of a different sort of normative--one of being attracted to only one sex. Thanks, friend, for showing me that no matter how hard I try to be inclusive, I'm still a product of this society and I have some of my own prejudices to overcome.

[Ed. Note: GREAT point, #5. A goal of mine, too, is to recognize this (huge) room for progress even within The Community. Major changes in how we speak start with Us.]

#6

WHERE ARE ALL OF THE ANONYMOUS POSTS?

[Ed. Note: I know! I can't really stress enough how sorry I am for going M.I.A. Besides infinite guilt, though, the people who've called me out on this remind me that there are people visiting! Which is promising! Keep me honest, Readers.]

#7

Sometimes I intellectualize (rather than thinking about what I feel) my sexuality and I think I should be bi. It's about the person, right? Not their gender. At least it should be.

[Ed. Note: Ideally, yeah :) It's very difficult to break out of societal norms when it comes to attraction, but I know many people who've been much happier once they did.]

#8

When I first met the staff at the center as a freshman I introduced myself as a "straight ally." I'm sorry I couldn't just call myself an ally [without specifying my sexual orientation] or that I didn't feel comfortable just introducing myself by the other typical freshman labels [hometown, intended major, etc]. I realize that proclaiming my straightness like that doesn't really make me much of an ally at all and that it was just lingering homophobia on my part. I'm past that point, now, but I still feel bad about it.

[Ed. Note: Thanks for sharing, #8, I really like this post. You rock.]

#9

BDU, I won't lie. I'm a little disappointed in the lack of posts lately. I still check back every day, though, so keep up the good work. I'd love to see more stories about LGBT life at Duke in particular. How was your adjustment in coming out? How supportive is the straight community? I know that I'll be there soon, but I'm still impatient. All of your articles are great, and this blog is one of the first things I check every morning.

I posted a while back about being accepted ED, and I have suggestion. There is a pretty active Duke 2014 facebook group, and I was hoping that someone could post a link or a thread to the page, especially when the RD admits start joining, which should be very soon.

[Ed. Note: Yo whattup '14. Missed you. Sorry for the slow couple of weeks! You are in good company with your frustration. You're pretty much The Best for checking up on the site all the time. We'll do better by you, promise. About the facebook group, I'll get on that. Feel free to talk us up to other incoming students yourself! Spread the good word!]

Have at it, Readers! And again, thanks for your patience. This Community has always been there for me, and I appreciate the support and encouragement. In other words,

“Summer, I need the giant banana. I need it.”

So who goes to the LGBT Center anyway? Have you ever been there? Do you want to go, but are scared? It’s ok, I was scared too. My first few times were terrifying. I clung to Chris Purcell, the Program Coordinator, because I didn’t know anyone else. Now I go there all the time.

Sure, sometimes it’s empty and eerily quiet in the morning hours, but as the day passes several people stop in to check their e-mail, try to do homework, eat, and hang out. In all honesty, it’s my haven and there’s no other place I prefer on campus. I keep to myself quite a bit, but the Center is a safe space where I don’t have to worry about anything but being a twenty-year-old Duke student who’s procrastinating just like everyone else.

My Thursday blog entries are developed from interviews I am in the process of conducting and friendships I continue to form through interactions in and out of the center. I want to put a face to our strongest allies. I want to put a story to those LGBTQ-identified students/faculty/staff who remain passionate in their dedication to whatever gets them up in the morning. I will present these tenacious individuals, who do their part in making Duke’s campus a more accepting place, not just a tolerant one, first through their devotion to LGBTQA issues. The following week, I will highlight the other components of their lives that make them who they are and the paths they’ve followed to get here, to show the multidimensionality of our community members.

Welcome to part one of my first victim profile.

There are few people at Duke who make me feel genuine happiness like she does. Perhaps it is her unyielding devotion to Peg, the LGBT Center’s Staff Specialist, or perhaps it is her pet cacti and unmatched sense of humor. She is someone I admire and someone who I look for to change a bad day around. Today and next Thursday’s blog entries will be devoted to her.

It is my pleasure to introduce you to Viviana Santiago. Come back next week to learn more about the giant banana.

Aside from her amazing collection of Facebook profile pictures, you should know Viviana because she is the president of Blue Devils United, and quite easily one of the most hilarious people I know. Her leadership this year has brought our undergraduate student group closer together and amused in meetings with her quirky attitude. It is sitting in these meetings, as Viviana tries to use noisemakers to call order and attention, that I feel most connected with our community. She is also part of the Center student staff, and part of her duties place her in charge of planning for the Women Loving Women group.

And this is what Viviana has to say about the Center: “I like the people that come in and work there, they’re funny and have a different perspective that you can’t find anywhere else on campus.” But she also notes some changes she’d like to see, “I wish more people came, and a more diverse group of students on campus would come. I know there are some students who would never come. I wish the president would come visit.” She especially hopes that there would be more Duke women who felt more comfortable being visible and in joining the community.

Coming Out Day is her favorite LGBT event on campus because it reminds people that the community is not invisible and it truly gives allies a chance to show their support. Many who we never see at the Center come out to support our cause.

Now, I have a few more personal comments to make about Viviana, so excuse the sentimentality if that isn’t your cup of tea. I first met Viviana in a House Course she co-taught called Latinos in Durham in the spring of my freshman year. She was incredibly quiet. I’d say we’ve only been friends a short while, but her presence in my life in and out of the Center has already produced a ton of amazing memories. I’d like to share more of my stories about this amazing woman, so please come back next week for the continuation of this article to learn more about her giant banana adventure, her Latina identity, and more.