Make Gays Marry

Sort of a win-win.

For people who have hearts, gays could marry.

For crazy people, there's a risk they'll be as miserable as you.

Glad for GLAD

I have a serious academic interest in sport and in this column I’ll be highlighting current events, sharing resources, reflecting on complex issues and sharing athlete’s stories among other things. For more about me, you can read my first post, here. Please feel free to email me with thoughts or if you come across something you’d like me to include on the blog.

When I started blogging I mentioned that I would be covering interesting stories and sharing resources. I haven’t done very much of the former yet, but I’d like to take this post to promote a survey sponsored by the Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders (GLAD).

An organization that fights legal battles against discriminations based on orientation, HIV status and gender identity and expression, last year GLAD launched an effort against homophobia and transphobia in sport. On October 2, 2009, GLAD issued the following statement about their recent undertaking: “To determine how we can best address homophobia and transphobia in sports, GLAD is researching the ways in which anti-gay and anti-transgender attitudes affect LGBT athletes and coaches.”

To do this, they’re collecting the stories and experiences of anybody currently or formerly associated with any sport at any level—rec, high school, college, pro, athlete, coach, family member or friend of an athlete. The hope is that these stories will illuminate the obstacles keeping LGBTQ-identified individuals from participating, having success or gaining positive experiences in sport. Of course, they’re also optimistic about the current climate on teams and ask for stories of positive experiences as well.

Though there are already several [read: too many] well documented cases of homophobia in sport violating the rights of individuals (such cases will be highlighted in future blogs), I believe that this is the right first step for GLAD to take. For every case which is fought in the courtroom (or settled out of it), far too many instances of homophobia and transphobia in sport are never brought to light. When the environment is toxic, most people (especially children and teens) will just stop playing the sport, rather than take action. And, seriously, who can blame them?

This survey will help to identify common themes among our experiences. How do homophobia and transphobia manifest themselves? What’s it look like in the locker room? During practice? During formal competition? During travel? Is it coming from the coach? The parents? The players/teammates? How are LGBTQ-identified coaches or administrators in sport affected differently than the athletes themselves? Is it in negative recruiting practices? Is it jokes or gossip from their athletes or colleagues? How does the environment change at each level (rec vs. high school vs. college, varsity vs. club vs intramural)?

I’ve been involved with sports for a long time and in a lot of different ways. As such, I’ve played for LGBTQ-identified and straight coaches and I’ve had LGBTQ-identified and straight teammates. I’ve witnessed really positive scenarios and not so positive incidents. In writing his personal story of being a gay athlete, Jamal Brown “look[s] forward to a day when the challenges LGBT athletes face come from competition, and not from teammates.” And so do I.

I would encourage every reader of this blog to take the time to fill out the survey and share your stories. Furthermore, I invite you to share your story (anonymously or not) in the comments section below. Share with GLAD and with us what your experiences have been, so we can all be aware and so that together we can team up to make athletic spaces safe, inclusive and embracing of everyone.

[Author’s note: Thanks for allowing me to vary the content of my columns. I often find myself having thoughts that I want to write about for the blog. Though several of my most recent posts have not been sports centered, LGBT Issues in Sport continue to be in the front of my mind as I go through every day. I’m excited to devote my next few entries solely to these topics.]

Where Have All the Role Models Gone??

Growing up, I knew zero gay people. I met my first gay person when I was a junior in high school (the same year I came out, coincidence???---ha no). My guidance counselor was an out gay male and I was extremely fortunate to have a strong and supportive, out, gay male mentor in my adolescence. Through his guidance, I was never scared walking through the halls, hearing the taunts and the threats. I knew that if he could do the same, that I could as well. He introduced me to the book Mama's Boy, Preacher's Son by Kevin Jennings, an amazing LGBT activist, leader, educator and alumnus of my high school who showed me that despite my location, I can achieve anything I want to and that my sexuality is not a deterrent to my future.

Luckily, in the years since I was a teenager struggling with my sexuality there has been a plethora of celebrities who have come out. Celebrities are a great venue for LGBT youth to see mentors who are just like them, when many grow up without any positive LGBT role models. Nowadays, young gay men can look to these people as examples of people who have stood up for what they believe in and were never afraid to be who they were. Oh wait, none of them actually do this.

Where was the public outcry from T. R. Knight when he was verbally harassed for his sexual orientation by a coworker on Grey's Anatomy. Sure, he made a couple statements, but they were all done in a passive way that never showed that he was sticking up for himself. He was presented with an opportunity to show young gay men that it is not acceptable for someone to call you a faggot and that you can stand up for yourself. Instead, he gave the message that silence and acceptance is the better route to go.

Neil Patrick Harris has been with his current boyfriend for nearly 6 years. However, when Proposition 8 was placed on the ballot, where was he? With his star power and presumed care of the issue, he could have done a lot for the campaign (here I am assuming two things that aren't necessarily true, but I was nevertheless disappointed with his passivity on the issue: one, that being a celebrity, he is also a resident of California as many are and two, that being in a relationship, he sees marriage as an important issue to fight for). Instead, he opted to show gay youth that it is not important to fight for your rights if the increased visibility might impact your career.

Don't even gay me started with Lance Bass who came out just in time for book about being a gay boy bander was released (eerily similar to recently out country music star Chely Wright who came out the day before her book and CD were released).

Lastly, we come to Elton John. Elton has done more for gay rights than probably any other celebrity before him. He proved that you could be gay and still be successful. His song "That's What Friends Are For" with Dionne Warwick and Friends helped to raise over $3 million for the American Foundation for AIDS Research. He truly exemplified a gay mentor, until last week. He performed at Rush Limbaugh's wedding for a reported $1 million. My question to y'all is how much does your soul cost? Cause I can tell you sure as hell that my asking price would be a lot higher!!!

Luckily for me (and all of us really), we are no longer in a place where we know zero gay people. And better yet, we have plenty of role models. I would personally like to thank my role model, Christopher Purcell, for proving to me that gay men can stand up for what they believe in and live their life free from fear and doubt. If I had known people like him when I was younger, my childhood would have been a far less scary and dark place.

Anonymous Posts (6.7.10-6.13.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Just got back from DC Pride with a bunch of Dukies. Simply epic. Pride is a cathartic and comforting showing of solidarity in a country that seems to want nothing to do with "others." Having said that, I have never felt more pale and out of shape in my life.

Anyhow. I think I've hijacked the blog enough this week, so I'm just going to get to the anonymous posts.

#1

Right now nothing is more difficult than figuring out whether I also like men or whether I'm just trying to distract myself from other issues in my life. It used to come and go in high school, so upon entering college I chalked my feelings up to teenage angst. But these days I'm starting to feel that way regularly and I know I'm much more on top of things than I was as a high schooler. To be frank, I'm completely petrified at the idea of approaching another man, let alone telling close friends or family members. I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn't care what other people think of him, but I know the things some of my friends say and I can't help but wonder whether they'd ever feel like they could act like themselves around me. And why am I even thinking about coming out? I'm not even sure if I'm being honest with myself at this point.

And just like that, Zealots by the Fugees came up on iTunes and I feel better for the time being. Thank you for bearing with my rant. May you all haunt MCs like Mephistopheles. That's a reference to the song I'm listening to, in case I just confused everyone.

#1.5

Follow up to my post (had The Fugees song): Clearly I'm a true hipster. I want people to think I have good taste in music even when I'm anonymous :P

Hi. My Name is Brandy. PUKE!

I’m gay. I’m out. I go to the Center. I can walk through the doors without my face feeling hot…I can sit in the back room without my hands shaking…and I can say hello to the people who work there without staring at the floor.

This is a big improvement from a year and a half ago when I took Janie’s class Clinical Issues for LGBT. During breaks, I would go to the bathroom to see if my face was red because it felt extremely hot. I would hide my shaking hands under the table and I would try really hard to make eye contact while talking.

Sometimes I would cry out of happiness on the bus ride home from the class because I was so touched to sit in a room with queer people. It literally made my day when one of the people I knew wasn’t straight had a conversation with me. Sometimes I would cry myself to sleep because people said things that I found very hurtful. I was sad because the L, G, B, and T are not one happy family. Needless to say, it was a little bit of a roller coaster and I probably wasn’t comfortable enough with my sexuality to take the class in the first place.

I have grown a lot since taking the class. I am more accepting of myself. I even have “interested in women” listed on my Facebook page. Despite this progress, sometimes I worry that I just put on a façade of being a comfortably out queer person. I say this given part of me doesn’t feel like a “real” gay. I know that this is a little ridiculous because what the hell is a “real” gay is in the first place? The not-so-rational part of me says that, in order to be a “real” gay a person has to experience knowing that they are queer without anyone else being aware of the fact.

I never really had to face this challenge. I came out to my queer friends who I was especially close to very soon after I began questioning. I don’t think I would have got to the point of actively questioning for any length of time if they didn’t come out to me. These friends were there all along the way. I had special escorts to take me to the Center. I had special escorts to take me to BDU. I had special escorts to tell me about the queer people on campus. Before walking into the Center, I knew a lot of people’s names and how they identified.

I never endured the pain that occurs when a person knows that they are queer, but hasn’t told anyone else. I realize that this is probably a horrible experience…isolating and alienating to say the least. But, all the same, part of me wishes that I went through it. I would be able to share this experience with other people when they talk about coming out. I would be able to feel a sense of connection when they mention how they knew they were queer, but couldn’t manage to tell anyone for a long time.

Intellectually, I think the not-so-rational part of me is interesting. It says that in order to be a “real” gay a person has to experience knowing that they are queer without anyone else being aware of the fact. Even so, not every queer person has been in this situation. I know because I’m one of those people. This experience plays a fundamental role in coming out stories when they are circulated within the LGBT community. I want my story to fit within this all too prevalent model. I want to be a “real” gay. Yes. I’m attracted to women and not attracted to men…but sometimes I still don’t feel like a “real” gay.

My feelings of inauthenticity are partially derived from never being out to myself without being out to other people. I have explained this in detail above, but I’m still glossing over a large portion of the picture. Part of me wants to pretend that I’m putting it all out there…that this is the only reason why I don’t feel like a “real” gay. But, I’m not being completely honest. I also don’t feel like a “real” gay because I don’t call myself lesbian…because I initially came out as gay and bisexual…and because my interest in D/s means gender isn’t always the most important thing to me. Simply put, my sexuality is complicated…it doesn’t fit into a nice little box. But, I like labels. Of the multitude of identities potentially available to me I could choose gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer…any combination of the four or I could keep it simple with “no labels please.” I’m a fan of complex messes so I choose to call myself gay.

Sometimes I flat out say I’m gay. Sometimes I let people assume I’m lesbian. Sometimes I keep it short by saying queer. I usually use that word when I want to avoid the hour long conversation that starts with “I’m gay, but not lesbian…and no I don’t just refuse to call myself lesbian because I’m a patriarchal misogynist that is afraid of female sexuality. In reality, my interest in D/s complicates my experience.” I hate this conversation because, the very few times I have had it without burying my face in a hoodie, it has ended with me thinking “don’t tell me what YOU think I am or what YOU think I should call myself cause if YOU do so I will gladly ‘cut you’ (as Justin says).” The need for this conversation and my reluctance to start it, along with never having the experience of knowing I’m gay without anyone else being aware of the fact, makes me feel inauthentic. It makes me feel like I’m not a “real” gay.

Despite these feelings, I’m slowly I’m becoming more comfortable. My face doesn’t get hot any more, my hands don’t shake, and I can look people in the eye. But, I’m still making my way out from underneath the hoodie. I say these things knowing that most people probably perceive me as being very out. I suppose I am very out…my friends know, my family knows… Facebook knows. But, I don’t always feel out. I don’t always feel okay with my sexuality. Sometimes I catch myself being biphobic which saddens me because activism around bisexuality gave me the courage to come out…while I only call myself gay at the moment the B helped me be okay with my interest in D/s. Sometimes I’m afraid to be out around women who identify as lesbian…I don’t want them to think I’m any less of a “real” gay because I don’t use that label. I guess I still have wok to do. I’m trying to contain the not-so-rational part of me that says I’m not a “real” gay. With time, I suppose this issue will pass…I can feel it becoming more distant as time goes on.

After taking Janie’s class, it took me quite a while to go to a BDU meeting. I would tell my roommate, the president by chance, that I would go every week. At the last minute, I would back out. My excuse…I can’t go because I will get so nervous that I will puke all over the floor. That isn’t a very good introduction. “Hi. My name is Brandy. PUKE!” My roommate said I was being ridiculous. If I puked she would simply summon Aliza to clean it up, act like nothing happened, and continue on with the meeting. The thought of seeing this post on the blog makes me feel a little queasy. People will know my big fear of not being a “real” gay. They will know that I’m not comfortable with my sexuality all the time. They will remind me that I wrote this post by mentioning it when they see me. I’m tempted to not send this post to the editor. I’m tempted to put it up anonymously. My excuse…I can’t do it because I will get so nervous that I will puke all over the floor. But, my roommate was right, that excuse doesn’t really hold up. I didn’t puke at a BDU meeting and I probably won’t puke over a blog post. If I do, maybe Aliza will offer to clean it up, we can act like nothing happened, and we can continue on with everything else.

* * *

Considering I graduated in May, this will probably be my first and last post on the blog. As a result…shout outs to Viviana and Hassaan for escorting me to the Center and to BDU …thanks for telling me about the queer people on campus. Shout outs to Jack and Gina for listening to me talk about my sexuality while hiding under a hoodie. Thanks to Cody for putting up with my very awkward Common Ground coming out back in the day. Thanks to Janie for acting like nothing was out of the ordinary even though I stared at the floor when I was first introduced to you. Much love to Chris (Purcell and Perry) for helping me feel more comfortable by making endless jokes about D/s. Last but not least…thanks to Peggy Ann for being a welcoming face even when my face felt hot and my hands were shaking.

Glee Party Tonight On The Blog!

The Glee season finale is tonight at 9, Everybody. This is going to be an epic event because we are so not certain about what is going to happen! Will New Directions almost definitely without a doubt win regionals?! We just don't know! (We know.) Will Quinn give birth at the end of the episode, going into labor at regionals?! MAYBE. (Yes.) Glee is an emotional roller-coaster and is sure to have some surprises up its sleeve! Maybe we'll get the rest of the songs that should have been in the Gaga episode.

Anyhow. Let's all treat the blog like Kilgo commons and meet here for it. That way we can more efficiently discuss the CRAZY things that will be happening.

*Note: To those not on the East Coast, be careful of spoilers, but you are invited, too! Come whenever! Parttyyyyyyy.

* * *

[8:52] Ok. Vivster and Michelle will be here momentarily. So ready for this.

[8:59] Wasting no time with Schuester being annoyingly overdramatic. I. Will. Not. Let. You. Do. This.

[9:03] I'm not already crying.

[9:04] Um yeah we miss her, too. Where HAS Emma been all of these episodes?

[9:05] Matthew Morrison: Best. Actor. Ever.

[9:07] lmfao Look at Professor Hyperbole, over here. What, do they go to Hyperbole High?

--Break 1 of 3470--

[9:08] OMGGGECLIPSE*DIES*

[9:11] "I'm a Winner and You're Fat" hahaha.

[9:13] Finn's... what? Really?

[9:14] This sounds good / Who did Lea's hair today?

[9:19] Oh sweet! That was so good! I guess that's the end of the show and nothing is going to go wrong! Great season.

[9:20] Oh her water just bro-...ZACEFRON. Kudos to the Demographics Dept. at Fox Advertising.

--Break 2--

[9:22] A Full House star on Glee? Probs Stamos but let's all hope it's Dave Coulier to set up a really awkward "You Oughta Know."

[9:25] I am so surprised that she is giving birth on the season finale!

[9:28] So many Bump Its.

[9:29] Vocal Adrenaline is murdering it right now. Ugh, if ND loses and we have to go back to square one next season and do the whole "Sectionals here we come!" thing again...

--Break 3--

[9:36] Oh SNAP. Haven't they seen this whole season? Don't fuck with Sue.

[9:38] ...

[9:39] OMG. Ugh. For real?

--Break 4--

[9:46] Too much right now.

[9:47] But Schuester didn't really do that much, really! He just fake rapped, and was The Worst all season. Unmoved.

--Break 5--

[9:52] Awww Sue.

[9:55] One more year! Sort of! I mean Glee was picked up for a third season, but whatever! I'll pretend to not know that so I am invested and buy into the stakes they sell for next season.

[9:57] Alrighttttt. I'll take that, Glee. It was not the greatest episode of the season, but it was pretty solid! The Kurt's Dad ep trumps it by far, but ok! Here's to looking forward to next season :)

Gaga's Alejandro Video OR The Debut of The Machine Gun Bra

Wow.

That is sort of a lot to process and I cannot wait for Ari to Pop Up Video me through it with factoids and gagasymbolism. "That snow was also used in the Sound of Music" -Ari, probably.

Anonymous Posts (5.31.10-6.6.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Not much to rant about today, Readers, besides the fact that the blog is BLOWING UP, and everybody is coming up so big. Good work, Staff! And keep it up, because We All love to hear what you have to say.

As we all know the season finale of Glee is tomorrow night. I am so nervous because I do not know exactly what is going to happen! (I know exactly what is going to happen.) Anyhow, I'll be live-blogging it here, so we can all have a place to watch it together. More details to come!

Interesting anonymous posts today, People. Curious to see what you all have to say.

#1

i'm questioning. i'm starting to be comfortable with the fact that maybe i'm bi. but i'm afraid to come out because maybe i'm wrong.

#2

New York Times Op-ed: Gay? Whatever, Dude.

#3

Something has been stirring up inside of me lately since I have been home, and I don't think I could have put my finger on it until now, but I think I'm going through a strange phase where I am starting to ask myself, "Am I too gay?"

Now, I'm not talking about a scale of gayness as depicted by some sort of cerebral flamboyance meter wherein I believe I am too "feminine" for the public good. I am talking about whether my life, in the last semester and especially since coming home, has revolved around my being gay to a point where my friends at home don't really want to hang out with me anymore.

When I was a closeted guy in high school, and even to a point last summer, I felt like I had so much going on for me. I talked about everything such as books, politics, movies, pop culture, etc. But ever since I have become a freer version of myself, that is, more willing to discuss my sexual likings, I feel like I have lost the interesting edge that has kept me in sync with my friends from home.

I have just been feeling recently that my friends, well at least my most important one, has stopped wanting to hang out with me since I have been home this break. Perhaps I have just become too "gay" now, since it seems to control a lot of what I talk about when I'm with them. In a sense, I am so thankful that I no longer have to hide who I am, but at the same time, I feel like everything I do, from checking websites, to going clubbing, seems to revolve around my sexuality when in earlier times, this never used to be the case.

At school my friends are both gay and straight, and I'm so thankful that I keep in touch with all of them. But is there a point when the people I surround myself with can be "too gay?" Am I limiting myself to a group that will eventually lead me to forget how to interact with a straight audience?

On another note: I often think to myself if I want to distance myself from the gay community at Duke, as it seems that in the past semester, the cattiness has risen to a point of animosity and malicious intent that I don't want to deal with anymore for my own good. It's like Samantha Jones said, "I love you, but I love me more."

I don't want to be a person whose sexuality seems to dictate the course of their actions, but with this new sense of freedom, I feel like I can't help but want to express myself in ways I never have before. Perhaps not having a loved one is part of it. But in all honesty, perhaps I do want the "old" me back, because although he wasn't out, at least he remained interesting to a wide audience, including his best friends from home.

Eviction

A high school friend of mine is getting kicked out of her house soon. Her mother has told her that as soon as she turns 18 she is no longer welcome there. Ever. Verbatim, this woman told her daughter that she is disgusting, that she wasn’t raised to be like this, that God hates her, and that she would rather see her dead.

All because she likes girls.

You see, her mother found one of her journals where she keeps all her ideas for stories and recounts some thoughts or events she’s had that day. Then follows three angry voice mails, an early pick up from school, a smashed cell phone, and an extremely heated argument. Now my friend’s only hope for reconciling with her mother is to take an online, ex-gay course… and then bury her true feelings until she breaks or her mother passes.

Hearing my friend tell me this, it gave me such a sick feeling in my stomach. I tried to see it from a parental point of view: I have a child, a beautiful baby girl. I raise her for almost 18 years, watching her go through school, seeing her graduate, and remembering things like her first steps, her first words, play dates, story time, soccer games, movie nights, prom... And no matter which way I turn it in my mind, no matter what scenario I fit to it, I simply cannot fathom telling this child, my child, that she is disgusting, that I would rather she were dead.

This isn’t the first time I’ve seen this happen. I’ve known kids who’ve run away from home, or worse, for this reason before. Their parents find a hidden note, or they snoop on their computers at night, or listen in on a phone conversation. Some are tossed out immediately. Others suffer neglect or abuse until they can’t stand it anymore. I’ve sat in a restaurant and heard my step-mother say “One day, an earthquake is gonna send California out to sea, and it will sink, as God’s wrath against the homosexuals.” Because obviously, all gays are in California and all Californians are gay. It’s absurd.

Why is homophobia strong enough to drive some parents to feel this way about their children? Is it because they won’t have grandkids now? Science has become advanced enough that gayness is no longer a deterrent for continuing the bloodline. Is it the social stigma, the ageless prejudice? Maybe. Especially here in the South you find parents who, if not religiously inclined, have been taught that it is morally deplorable for so long it just sticks. Unfortunately, it seems religion is one of the stronger forces driving these feelings. My friend is getting kicked out of her house because her mother believes without a doubt that homosexuality is a sin. That God hates the homosexuals, so the only thing to do is change her daughter, or excommunicate her.

It is my belief, deep down, that even the God so many quote against us would disagree with this woman. The Bible preaches many things but the common motif is always Love. Unfortunately, this is too often overlooked. What happened to “love thy neighbor”? Where is “love the sinner, hate the sin”? Why is another girl, a child, being thrown from her home and her family because of who she loves? Homophobia is something I’ve seen so long it doesn’t really surprise me anymore, but to the point where you will hate your own children, cast them out like so many used napkins… I hope there never comes a time when I understand that.

The Book. The Cover. Judgments.

There are certain people that I usually don’t expect to be accepting. I don’t assume they’re bigoted right off the bat because I know there are exceptions, but I don’t anticipate an easygoing attitude either. One of these groups of people is the elderly group.

Now, as I said, there are exceptions. I’ve met plenty of older people who seem to have no problem whatsoever with the LGBT community. Acceptance tends to run thinner as you move through the letters of that acronym, but I know there are seniors who have the right mindset. Although I haven’t lost sight of this fact, I was still surprised by something that happened today. It was subtle and discreet, but it hit me like a double-decker bus. I’m beyond excited to be doing Duke in London soon, so pardon the misfit imagery.

Anyway, I’m walking across the parking lot. I’m wearing a large, thin t-shirt that drapes loosely enough to fly like mad in the beach area wind. I’m also in short exercise shorts and flip-flops, and my long hair is practically propelling me off the ground. I’m growing my hair for Locks of Love, so it’s around 8 inches long right now and rather curly. Not always fun.

Imagine what’s going through my mind when an older man in a polo and khakis walks toward me from his car. He’s just gotten out of his totally not cliché Cadillac, running his hand over his bald spot, then through the remaining salt-and-pepper hair on the back and sides of his head. He adjusts his glasses. He puts his keys in his pocket. As he steps forward, he looks up at the sign on the storefront and squints his eyes to read it. We pass each other and he glances at me momentarily. I’ll go ahead and tell you what I’m thinking. I’m thinking, “He is judging me so hard right now. He thinks my hair is too freakin’ feminine. He thinks my shirt is too flowy. He thinks I’m showing too much leg. I can see it in his face.”

Alright, let’s start unpacking this. 1) I didn’t even really see much of his expression. How I decided he was thinking all this – In retrospect, no clue. 2) I shouldn’t care either way. I like the way I look. 3) There’s more to the story…

As I continue walking, I notice another man getting out of the front passenger seat, dressed similarly to the driver and of a similar age. He follows the first man into the store. “Um, wait…” I turn around and watch them enter the store together. When I resume walking to my car, and once I’ve gotten my stupid hair out of my face (it’s a good cause, it’s a good cause, it’s a good cause), a dark spot on the bumper of this white, totally not cliché Cadillac catches my eye. I walk closer to get a better look at it. It’s a dark blue square. It has a yellow equal sign in the middle. Underneath it says “2007 Member.” It’s an HRC bumper sticker. Jaw-dropping. “I…am…so…stupid.”

I wanted to kick myself in the face for falling into this rather obvious life lesson waiting to happen. I had pre-judged someone I had assumed was judging me, only to find that he was probably not only accepting of me, but he may very well have been gay himself. If that’s the case, it’s also probable that he’s gone through far more trials and tribulations as a gay man than I. I try so hard to resist judging people without grounds, and this is just one more reminder that I always have more to learn about people, and myself.

On a High!!!

I'm on such a high right now. It's one of my last nights home before I leave to be a counselor and I just got back from the 19th Annual Awards Dinner for Equality Arizona. With everything that's going on these days, espcially around the hot topic of immigration, it's easy to name all sorts of not-so-good things going on in my state. I left the dinner, though, with a lot of hope and enthusiasm [once in the car on the way home, my exact words may or may not have been "I wish I could go back to Duke tomorrow and get started on stuff for BDU"]. Hundreds of people gathered tonight for this dinner, all of whom are well-connected and all of whom actively support efforts towards equality through their money, time and/or energy. I was fortunate to be invited last minute by a good family friend (she's my parents' age; a lady at our table asked us if we were on a date...I'm not making this up) and Equality Arizona made it possible for me to attend free of charge as a "Young Emerging Leader." I joined public officials, business leaders, educators and so many other passionate and hardworking people. Donna Rossi, an out lesbian and senior reporter for CBS News in Phoenix, emceed the event; David Mixner, activist extraordinaire and a contemporary of Harvey Milk, gave an inspiring keynote address.

Last but not least, as the BDU blog (and sports) are always on my mind...I even managed to score (pun intended!) a picture [below] with 2006 Olympic Ice Dancer, Ryan O'Meara. O'Meara shared his story as the evening's prelude speaker. Be on the lookout for a future post featuring O'Meara, who's agreed to let me interview him!

A few more pictures...

With eight-time (count it...that's 16 years, folks) Arizona Legislator Ken Cheuvront (left) and Phoenix City Council Member Tom Simplot.

With Kyrsten Sinema, who visited Duke in February.

With keynote speaker, activist, political strategist and contemporary of Harvey Milk, David Mixner.

With Arizona's Attorney General and Gubernatorial Candidate, Terry Goddard.

Light my Candle?

So, I recently got dumped last week. It was pretty much devastating.

Okay, that’s a huge exaggeration. It’s more of a joke that I had with a few people in the Center last week, but let me explain:

I recently encountered a woman on campus who I thought, 110%, just had to be queer. I was so super-thrilled. I had never seen her before. She was new! And guess what else?! She was completely beautiful, apparently single, and I was totally, totally interested.

On top of all that, she had what I could only dream of in a woman: to quote Summer, she was super gay, or super-queer, whatever you prefer. She was amazingly out and visible.

How did I know this? My flawless gaydar gave this girl a solid QUEER rating. She had all the tell-tale signs that one might look for. Rainbow flags on the water bottle? Check. The laptop? The backpack? Check check. The Look? (Come on, you all know what I’m talking about. The across-the-room, unmistakable, definitively gay, Look.) Yep.

I was so excited. I was in the Loop with my friend, Nathan, and when she came over to say hi to me, I think I almost dropped my electronic blue Loop buzzer. I felt like I was 5 years old. I grabbed Nathan by the arm and practically hyperventilated as I turned my back to her: “Is she coming over here?!” I tried to play it cool. It failed miserably. Before I know it, she’s in front of me and she’s started talking to me. I begin to ignore everyone else in the room.

But I was having the time of my life, because a beautiful queer woman knew my name, and I knew hers.

Fast forward to our 3rd encounter of the week. I bump into my new girlfriend (or, whatever) while I’m walking around campus the next day.

I’m trying to play it super-cool. But I remembered getting some advice from friends in the Center: “be intentional about your actions. Come out to her. Be honest. Start the relationship off by being genuine right away.”

So I thought, “hey, that’s good advice! I’ll come out to her, she’ll come out to me right afterwards, and we’ll move in and start this crazy life together.” I’m basically already planning our wild trip to Jamaica. Sweet.

I used the best line I could come up with, hoping it would seem smooth:

“I really like your rainbow stickers.” (Hey, if you have a better idea, let’s chat.)

She smiled: “Oh, thanks!” Silence. I try to play it cool:

“So…do you have them for visibility?”

She looked at me. And then she looked at me.

Oh God. It hit me. Something’s wrong. Panic mode. The Look had disappeared. Something wasn't right.

“Well, so…one of my best friends is gay…”

I stopped listening. I already knew by heart everything else that would come after it: Ally.

I was dumbfounded. I decided to try and save whatever face I had left. (Too bad I’ve already Googled the tickets to Jamaica. Expedia seemed to have good prices.) “Cool, sweet. Where on Central are you living? I love that song too. Yep, I agree, the weather is great. Have a nice day!”

But I was crushed.

Ally.

Don’t get me wrong. I love (not like!) allies. I love them so much. Why? Because I know what a ridiculously long time it took just to get myself to walk through those LGBT Center doors. And then, to see them do it, when they have the same social pressures to deal with, but they don’t even identify? It’s phenomenal. I just love it. I love them.

But I don’t love it so much when I think you’re super gay, or super queer, and you’re…just…not.

After getting dumped that afternoon (I’m exaggerating, but you get the idea), I wanted to forget about the whole thing. And I basically did, until Nathan, that same friend from the Loop, told me the following:

“I was just going to say that I really love seeing you talk about the women you're interested in. You just light up.”

Wait, really? I asked him to clarify.

“It's very true. I just thought of you grabbing my arm that day, and telling me to see if there was a table nearby her, and how you just lit up, and it made me smile. And while that girl may not be available, the fact that you could do that, and would do that, makes me smile.”

It was really great to hear him say that. Because before he told me this, I had thought of the incident as “that embarrassing time when I was blissfully unaware that I was hitting on a straight girl.”

But he was challenging me to think differently, to think of it as what it was: Real. (With AJ’s capital R.) Not just queer woman meets straight woman.

But queer woman works up the courage to do something very queer.

And that might be something worth remembering.

Anonymous Posts (5.24.10-5.30.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Glee was kind of whatever tonight, Readers. #amiright? Schuester is The Worst and his plot line continues to be tedious, uninteresting and as of tonight very ?. What, exactly, was he doing to Sue? Is that something that adults who are ADULTS do? Is that even what a protagonist does? It was not even necessary to break that large trophy. That was a kind of an impetuous and childish thing to do. He should meet up with a teacher at the school that can teach him sentences. And then he can use those, instead of slow clapping and devil-hornsing to communicate his awfulness.

I hate so much about the things that he chooses to be.

Also, do not say that white women cannot have soul and then have a white woman not have soul. That is not how to prove that! It is the opposite, really, of how to prove that. As Chris Purcell, The Greatest, points out, they probably should have just replayed this.

Anyhow! /rant. There are anonymous posts to be read! I see you, UNC!

#1

Please sign this petition in support of the asylum application of Iranian LGBT film director, Kiana Firouz. Her application was recently rejected and she risks deportation to Iran, where her homosexuality is condemned. Thank you.

http://www.petitiononline.com/kianaf/petition.html

#2

My first year of college had its ups and downs- at the start of the first semester, I hadn't come out to anyone but my mom. That's how it was until late September- when I realized that the anxiety I was feeling was directly related to the fact that I felt completely trapped. I spent long hours on the phone talking with my mom about how I felt such a strong need to come out but was simply terrified. I explained to her that I couldn't make friends for fear of judgement. I wanted to meet people who would just accept my sexuality, and that would be that. At this point, I had no idea just how open-minded my campus was, overall. Through my own fear of judgement, I was pre-judging the student body, which I'm sure kept me from forming some great friendships earlier on.

On October 1st, 2009, I went to UNC's LGBT center to talk to a counselor about my fears of coming out to my close friends and family, and how important it was for me to tell them. This was one of the best decisions I've made, I believe, in my life. Simply expressing my feelings to someone other than my mother for the first time gave me the courage to start the coming out process. I was met with nothing but acceptance and support over the next few months, and will forever be grateful and thankful for that. Second semester, once scheduling conflicts went away, I was able to get more involved with the LGBT community and events on campus. I was able to formulate the friendships I was longing for first semester, both inside and outside the LGBT community- no longer lacking that confidence I had lost after high school and no longer feeling as though I was carrying a burden.

Somewhere throughout my initial coming out process, my sister said to me- "Don't be so quick to judge the openness of others. You may be surprised."

She was right.

Soon-to-be Camp Counselor; Always an Ally

After being home for the past few weeks, I’m getting ready to leave to work at a Jewish, outdoor adventure, overnight camp (Ramah Outdoor Adventure). I like to think of it as Boy Scout camp meets Judaism (and girls). The camp opens this summer and is the latest initiative by Ramah—the official summer camp organization of the Conservative Movement of Judaism (not to be confused with conservatism in American politics).

I had the great fortune of being a camper at Ramah Darom (in Georgia) for several summers. Experiences from camp, along with relationships with my peers and my counselors/other staff members, played a very pivotal role in my life. Over the years I had counselors who were always there to listen, counselors who challenged me, counselors who believed in me, counselors who reminded me to not take life too seriously, counselors who showed me the ins-and-outs of Judaism, counselors who shared my passions, counselors who were my friends, and counselors who modeled for me what it meant to embrace my full self (eccentricities included). I know firsthand the power that a counselor can have on a camper looking for a role model or a mentor.

The campers I’ll have this summer are mostly rising 8th-10th graders (though I'll also work with rising 6th/7th graders and families). They’re old enough that they’re “real people,” but that also means that they’re tenuously trying to navigate their lives: their sense of self, their peer group, and their values, just to name a few. [Any readers extra-eager to re-live those years? ‘Cause, uhhh, you won’t find me volunteering for the chance.] I am excited, however, to be their friend and I hope to have a lasting impression. In this way, it’s important to me that I’m visible.

I want every camper to feel safe, valued and respected. I want every camper to know that I am her or his ally. I want any camper who is out in other areas of her or his life to be comfortable being out at camp. I want any camper who is still in the closet to know that I’m on her or his side and that she or he can talk to me in confidence (for that matter, I hope a camper who is out feels comfortable talking to me about any issues that arise). I want any camper who is in the closet to feel that camp is a supportive environment where she or he can safely begin her or his coming out process (I recognize that the three immediately preceding points are easier said than done).

Even if there is not a single LGBT-identified camper (either in or out of the closet), there are still messages I hope to impart. I want every camper to understand that Conservative Judaism does not condemn LGBT-identified members of our community. On the contrary, The Seminary will admit and ordain openly gay and lesbian-identified individuals [the current Jewish law does not address trans nor bisexual rabbis]. Last but not least, I want every camper to leave camp thinking that being an ally and standing up against homophobia are “cool” and feeling empowered to act accordingly.

[These are, maybe obviously, not my only goals as a counselor; rather, goals I’ve given very deliberate thought to for months. I also, perhaps predictably, want to be a beacon of feminism (a loaded goal which I won't unpack here); I want to be there for my campers to listen about any issue they may be facing—not just LGBT themed struggles; I want to imbue my campers with self confidence; I want to help them to reach their personal goals; I want to help them to strengthen their Jewish identity; I want to facilitate them making relationships among themselves; I want them to learn to be comfortable with themselves.]

That all sounds real swell, but creating a safe space, making myself approachable and empowering campers to speak up will not just happen by mere virtue of me being a counselor. It takes deliberate actions. So, how will I do this? And, how can I do this without overstepping a boundary of being overly “political” in my role as a counselor?

The second question first: There are plenty of ways to stand up for LGBT issues without invoking the politics of today. I can’t say whether the issue of marriage or Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell will come up—though if it does, it will be because a camper initiated the conversation. However, I don’t believe (and I think that the readers of the blog will agree with me) that affirming the worth of any of my campers is “political.”

To create this type of environment, though, I must be visible. Some actions, by their very virtue, will be reactive, while I can do others at anytime. Hopefully, nothing occurs which would force me to intervene. However, I will do my best to be aware of situations which may arise. For instance, when used, I will speak up against homophobic slang and facilitate conversations about the role of language. If it happens, I will question why someone’s sexuality was a qualifying adjective to a story. If a camper is out of the closet, I will be sure to pay close attention as to how this is perceived by his or her cabinmates. If an issue arises, I will be quick to act in his or her defense [this is, I believe, a situation especially unique unto overnight camp, since living space isn't typically intimately shared until college]. Similarly, I will pay close attention to if a camper's gender expression or perceived sexual orientation becomes the target of his or her peers and will act accordingly if necessary. This may sound like I'm expecting the worst, but really I'm optimistic that the most reactive I'll have to be is to everyday slang [no homo(phobia)].

Other things I can do start on the very first day. I will do my best to use affirming and inclusive language. I will proudly don my Love=Love and no homo(phobia) shirts. I will wear my BDU silicone bracelet and I will display a rainbow sticker on my nalgene and a rainbow ribbon on my backpack. Perhaps most importantly given the nature of the camp as observantly Jewish, I will be prepared to the best of my ability to answer questions and present information about LGBT issues and Judaism.

I should note that I was excited to see "sexual preference" included in our anti-discrimination policy. I could be critical of the outdated language (sexual preference vs. sexual orientation), but I'm just glad to know that the directors of the camp are forward thinking, aware of these issues, and dedicated to seeing that homophobia not be part of our camp culture. I have every reason to believe that this was not just included in the policy as an empty formality, but a genuine concern. In fact, last summer (at a week for potential staff members) I recall having a conversation about homophobia with our director; he also "liked" a link to my Day of Silence post on facebook.

I'm excited for the challenges that await me--personally, Jewish-ly, and professionally--and I'm excited to expand the ways in which I speak out against homophobia. Like Veronica’s “informal research,” I look forward to reporting back to you about my experiences.

But first, Readers, I'd like to learn from you what your experiences have been as a camp counselor or a camper. How did you see homophobia manifest itself? What are ways that you addressed it? What positive stories can you share about being out at camp (as a camper or counselor)? Please help me to be the best that I can be this summer!

[Sports related blogs will be posted during the next few months while I’m away. Please note, however, that I’ll be mostly unable to engage with you in the comments section. The camp at which I will be a counselor has very limited internet service!]

Being Fiercely Real

So, something has been bothering me for a while now. A little while ago, I was chatting with an old high school friend of mine on Facebook that identifies as being a homosexual male. We were both talking about how we were trying to be more health conscious and go to the gym more. We both mentioned the, let’s just say… changes, our bodies have made over the years. I told him how I wanted to get back to my senior year/ freshman year body because I was really happy with myself then. He replied with an “lol.” But what he said next is what really bothers me. He added that he wants to make sure that he looks good for the boys. Now, just to give you some comparison, we are the same age, same height, similar build, and I’m bigger than he is. My fitness goals are less than his. After bringing this up to him, he replies that the only thing that matters to gay guys is how many abs you have and how big the rest of your muscles are. I was taken aback by this. I won’t even begin to go into all the thoughts that ran around in my head. I asked him if he was like that. Response: “No. But I know what people want and I’m going to do anything I can to give it to them.”

I was floored. I know that body image is very important to a lot of people, but is that really the ONLY thing that is considered when considering if someone is attractive? Do I really have to have rock-hard abs and be able to bench 250lbs to be considered hot? Are gay guys really that vapid and shallow? Speaking from my personal experience, thankfully not all are, but I do know that there are some people (of all different identities and sexualities) that take physical appearance as the only deciding factor. But please for my sanity, tell me that it’s not as large of a population as I fear.

It’s something that I’ve noticed a lot, not only in the gay community but in society as a whole. Everywhere you look, you see the models with their flawless skin, amazing physique, perfect hair, immaculate smile. I look and wonder if that is really the concept of beauty. If it is, then what in the world am I?! My skin is far from flawless, my body is decent but could be a lot better, I could use a haircut right now, but I do have a pretty nice smile if I do say so myself. But should I have to break my back at the gym everyday for 2 hours or starve myself for weeks on end to look like all the models do? Do I really care that much about getting called “hot” by some air-headed, shallow, gym rat? NO FREAKING WAY!

Don’t get me wrong, I will still go to the gym and try to adopt healthier eating habits but it won’t be anything drastic and it is not because I want to be one of the “beautiful people” as I like to call them. It is because I (extra emphasis on that “I”) want to do it for myself.

On Tyra Banks’ show (yes, I watch her show every once in a while), she did a special episode about plus-size women and how they can and should feel happy and comfortable in their body. Tyra gave them style tips and the whole nine yards. Also, she didn’t call them plus-size women. She called them “Fiercely Real.” I’ll admit that I burst into laughter at this new title, not because of who the title was for but just because it’s Tyra and everything is fierce in one way or another to her. Anyway, I actually loved that episode. There is absolutely nothing wrong with going to the gym for 2 hours everyday if you want to do it for yourself. If you are like me and actually like having a little extra warmth on you, then you go right ahead and stay warm! Do you and that’s all you can do. As soon as you try to do someone else, then my friend, we have a problem.

So here’s another warning from me to everyone, but especially for our Community because I see it a lot within us: Don’t let anyone dictate to you how you should live your life or how you should look. If YOU think you look good, great. If someone else has a problem with it, tell them this: Build a bridge and get over it.

Peace and blessings.

And here’s a little something completely unrelated but I think you should know about it because it is absolutely amazing.

The End of the World, More or Less (More)

The letter we just got from Janie, Director of the LGBT Center, and Surrogate Mother to Us all:



Hello, Everyone!

I hope the beginning of your summer is going well wherever you have landed. We have students all over the world and also a sizeable group here at Duke for the summer. I am writing with some news that makes me both happy and sad.

I'll start with happy. Chris Purcell has accepted a position at the Berklee
College of Music as the Coordinator for Peer Advising. His new duties will include coordinating their Peer Advising Program (hiring, training, and supervising 85 peer advisors), doing outreach to first year students at risk, and collaborating in the delivery of their new student orientation program. His last day in the office at Duke will be June 18, 2010. I am happy because Chris is happy especially to be closer to his mom and, of course, for a promotion and increase in pay! I told the reference person who called me that I did not want to talk with her, and she should go away! She did not listen to me, however. This same news makes me sad because we are losing a great member of our team who has brought so much light to so many of you. I know you will want to join me in wishing Chris well and much happiness. We will be hosting a good-bye reception for Chris here at the Center on Thursday, June 17th from 3:00-5:00 pm, and I hope many of you will be able to attend. For all of you who are at some distance, I know Chris will want to hear from you as well.

I am moving forward to request permission to retain the position so that a search process may be started as soon as possible. If the request is approved, there will be student reps on the committee, and I hope many of you in the area will participate in the interviews and offer your feedback. I will keep you posted throughout the summer as we make progress. I also encourage any of you who have questions or ideas to e-mail me at jlong@duke.edu. While I am sad for the loss of Chris, as this door closes another one will open with new wonderful possibilities!

Stay tuned for details about our celebration of Chris. We want to make sure he leaves feeling the love!

My best,
Janie

* * *

I understand Janie's attempt at framing this as an OK thing. Chris is The Best and has consistently played an infinitely important role in all of our lives, so it is logical that we would want Him to be happy and have money. I'm sure that there are other qualified people out there (I am not sure there are other qualified people out there), and we have Chris' cell number, anyway. At the same time, Justin Clapp better be prepared because his is now our Resident Male That We Trust and Approach With Dire and/or Inappropriate Situations.

So yeah, I'm totally not going to overreact and make this into something hugely negative. But just know that I am WITHDRAWING FROM DUKE BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO GO THERE ANYMORE. THERE IS NO LIFE AFTER CHRIS PURCELL, PEOPLE.

Let's make this The Longest Comment Thread on how much we are in love with Chris. It should not only feature words (in caps lock) but also links to appropriate videos and images. I'll start.

In tribute:

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Senate Armed Services Committee Debate: Watch as the Senate committee debates/votes on "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" repeal and the compromise made this week. This looks like a lock for Us, but it's got to make it through here before it goes before the House.

I did it!

Yall already know that I came to my homeland with a MISSSION (thanks Chantel!)

I'm not religious and resent the fact that much of the support for LGBT people in San Antonio is done through churches. I personally do not feel comfortable going to church or church related events. I think non-religious as well as religious folks should have access to this kind of support.

Unfortunately I developed activists block. I had sent e-mails to coffeeshops and community centers to no avail. Last night I bypassed my pride and e-mailed a slew of LGBT friendly churches that I found in an online directory. This morning three e-mailed back saying I could use their space for an LGBT youth discussion group.

One pastor in particular lamented the dearth of resources for LGBT youth in San Antonio. He, along with some other pastors, was trying to start a religious group for LGBT youth. He could get the message out to members of gay-friendly parishes across San Antonio. Most importantly, he promised me access to a large meeting place equipped with state-of the art games like ping-pong.

I was wholly unprepared for this to happen so quickly. I did what anyone in my situation would do: I created a Facebook group. Now the group has almost thirty members. I have sent e-mails to arts organizations, synagogues, HIV/AIDS organizations, meditation centers- every place I think will lend me a sympathetic ear.

I would like to contact high school GSAs (does anyone know if an online directory exists?) and reach out to all sides of town. I want people to hear about and have access to this group whether they live on the Northside, Southside, Eastside or Westside. The highways in San Antonio can take you anywhere. Unfortunately, public transportation is limited and doesn't yet exist in the newer parts of town. I love that the church is located near San Antonio College in the downtown area.

I know this was a simple step that required no high-tech skill or grant-writing ability. Yet for some reason it hadn't been done before (correction: I have since learned is has been done before, it just didn't last.) I can't wait to see how this group develops and meet some more amazing people.

For those of yall who found this via Google and want details about the group: the first meeting will be Thursday June 17th at 6:00 PM at the Cove. Check out the Facebook group San Antonio LGBT Youth Discussion Group. Please RSVP for the event. I look forward to meeting you!

Anonymous Posts (5.17.10-5.23.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

This summer continues to be The Summer of Chris as I spend more and more days not doing civil engineering at the HRC. For those curious about what a typical day is like, when I get there in the morning, I first do not design a sidewalk. Then, just before lunch, I do not design and mix a batch of concrete. The rest of my day is spent not finding neutral axes.

It is truly a dream job.

After work today I met up with Vivi, who is The Greatest, and took her to this great Mexican restaurant I found this week called "Chipotle." I think a Glee party with the other Dukies may be in order tomorrow night. Community, come visit us!

Anyhow! Sorry these posts are up superlate today. I was busy fighting for my civil rights and those of millions of other people (clearly this job has not gone straight to my head).

#1

I am excited and I am anxious to begin my next four years at Duke. I have no desire to live life in the closet any longer. But easier said than done? How do I present myself to a new community as a gay member? Will I just become known as the gay kid? Perhaps if I wait until later, until people get to know. But then will I do? Can I tell them? And how much more time of my life will be spent as a lie? I am a straight acting guy, and no one really questions my sexuality. I have begun to wonder, however, if this is really who I am. Did society force me into this ideality of how a man should act? Did I shun my true self so far down into the darkness that I can't even recognize it? I am gay. I know that, but I have never said it. I cannot bring myself to say it, let alone to another person. I hope that at Duke I am able to live happily with myself, and discover my true identity.

On another note, not that this has been very linear, I have been considering that when (if?) I am an open gay man. How will I begin to see/date other gay men. Starting with my freshman year of high school, I had a "hook-up buddy". He was a year older than me and went to the same high school (he is actually the brother of my one best guy friend, which made for some interesting nights spent over there). We never really talked, just hooked up. I have never even kissed a guy; nor have I never had sex, but everything in between I suppose. I have never dealt with actually dating or getting to know a guy. I do want to hook up at Duke. I want to have fun and I want to meet people, but I feel like I won't know how to actually connect with someone. Does this make me superficial? Or just like any other college guy?

In short, I am confused. I am confused as to who I am and how I will live my life at Duke. This post has been a messy stream of consciousness with too many rhetorical questions, but I have never actually talked(or written) about this before. I just hope I can be happy with myself at Duke.

#2

Hi community,

You don’t know me yet, but you will soon, and I want to pick your brains.

First, I’m a woman, and I think I’m bi.

I think I accidentally dated a girl once, who I think was also bi, but wasn’t ready to go there. I mean when we stopped living together I called it a breakup… that was one of my first signs. (what timing). Also, it was a little complicated because I was engaged at the time, but when I started questioning and then realized that I’d been cheating on him, honest to God unknowingly, and with a woman, for several months, and he’s not a bad guy but also not particularly sympathetic with the LGBT community, well that broke down real fast.

I’m still questioning, but I think it’s a pretty good indication that sometimes I find myself thinking about kissing breasts while my boyfriend goes down on me. But what if I’m actually a lesbian? I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve blamed some confusing sexual reactions in my recent past to abuse in my far away past, and now I have no idea.

And I think I might need to spend some time with a girl to figure it out.

The problem is, I’ve been dating someone new and I really love him. We’ve recently moved in together and he is the most open and understanding ally I’ve ever met in my entire life, not to mention a smart and wonderful and loving person. I’m toying with the idea of forever. We’ve talked about my sexuality situation and he said he might be secure enough in our relationship a few months down the line to set me up with one of his bi/lesbian friends, but I don’t really believe him. I think he would do it but it would hurt him too much, honestly, and he is not by any means one of those guys like Katy Perry’s boyfriend who won’t take cheating as seriously if it’s between two women. (Thank God. Can we please stop supporting that, culture?) Anyway.

So, my questions to y’all are these:

Do you think you can know definitively about your sexual orientation without experience to back it up?

Even if you can know, is it important to get that experience?

Why can’t I stop thinking about it? Do you have any suggestions?

Love.

#3

So I’m approaching my month of being uncloseted! I’m so excited about this day approaching. To be honest after I came out I told my friends that I wanted a “Coming-Out” party! I still plan on making that happen and I want “I’m Coming Out” by Diana Ross to blast over the speakers. I just want to celebrate my accomplishment. I wrote my mom a letter, inspired by a friend’s letter to her mother, and I sent it to her over facebook. I kept asking myself as I was writing it, “Are you sure?” “Life will be changed after this forever”. I was also listening to “Listen” from Dream Girls. (I’ve yet to see the movie, but I love that song). My soul straightened up and said I’m coming out and I finished the letter. I even attempted to preemptively answer the questions that my mom would have at the end of the letter. I posted it and clicked “enviar” (send, my facebook is in Spanish). I was out. Well not right away my mom would have to read the letter..but several other things happened. I called my grandparents to let them know what I did, and my grandma pleaded that I told her I was kidding... I waited a day and my grandma went ahead and told my mom. While waiting this day, I told my friends what I had done, and received all of their support. I was out. No more hiding in closets...No more lying to mom about what I’m doing!! I can now be more specific about what I do at Duke! I felt free. My soul felt free. My entire being felt marvelous, amazing, alleviated, healed, repaired, liberated, astonished, amazed, shocked, scared, flustered, and incredulous! It was the most unique experience I’ve ever had in my life!! I’m out!!!!!!!!! I’m OUT!!! I’M OUT!!! I told myself this, and each time I felt like I was taken to a different level. My mom is now asking who I’m dating but I have a feeling she is telling all the family relatives, so now it is going to be awkward when they approach me and say...so I heard through the grapevine your gay. But lately my mother has been having conversations with me about the birds and the bees. She states, “When you were young you didn’t like suppositories or enemas, how do you think a man will be?” What she fails to understand is that, being a child, you don’t think of adults like that...well not at the age of 3 or 4. So that bothered me a bit that she was trying to rationalize my sexual preferences. But I told her same rules applied before I came out. I’m not telling you about my First nor what positions were tried. That’s gross mom, well gross to talk about with your own mother.

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An in depth look at the anti-gay bill in Uganda: (from Vanguard Documentaries)

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Uh... Everyone needs to see these videos: (via Aliza and Billy!) OK, so this first one from the TV show "What Would You Do" (which has changed a bit since I first saw it in the 90's) where gay parents and their children are refused a meal at a Brooklyn restaurant, and we watch as Society completely fails Us. "Fuck that, I'm hungry!" - Society. Whatever. How do we feel about this show, Community? I have mixed feelings.

Thank you to the people who said something? I think? I don't know. This show kind of lauds people who do kind of duh things. "Some would say that makes you a hero." Really? Well some people need to go to Definitions School. Anyhow. Let's all watch this other video of a gay proposal. It'll be worth it, Readers. I promise!

Butch/Femme

“I like butch girls and I cannot lie

You other femmes can't deny

When a butch walks in all the femmes make a fuss

Because there's like one of them and thirty of us”

-“Butch/Femme” by Team Gina

Don't hate me but...I can somewhat relate to the characters on the L Word. Don't get me wrong- I am just as annoyed that there were no real butch characters. I find the level of wealth and glamor unrealistic. Yet I can't help myself. I am attracted to the women on the show and aspire to be like them. My race and socioeconomic status also play a role, but I will address those identities another day.

Today is all about gender expression.

I see myself as a queer femme. It makes me feel like I’m in a burlesque troupe. While I am not the typical femme girl, I am a femme girl nonetheless. (And really, regardless of sexual orientation, who is the "typical" femme girl?) Before this year I assumed that since I wasn't “femme” in the most narrow, stereotypical sense I wasn’t a “femme” at all. I also assumed that in order to be “femme” I would have to date only “butches.” I changed my mind partly because Tiffany kept telling me how femme I was. I also realized that well…I wasn’t like all the other LGBT girls I knew. This realization wasn’t of the “OMG I’M SO ALONE WHAT EVER AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE” variety (we've all had plenty of those.) Rather, it was accompanied by a sly grin. One more hitherto unanalyzed part of me was finally beginning to make sense.

Part of the reason why I was so hesitant to claim the identity was because I was I was a flaming tomboy growing up. When I was younger I would often pass for a boy. I envied girls who could wear shorts and a t-shirt and still look like girls. In many arguments with my mom and grandma where I have been accused of “not being feminine enough.” Someone was always willing to explain to me that I was too loud, too logical, too brash, too sporty, too ugly, too to-the-point to be a girl. I still don’t feel like I have correct femme foundation. Whatever “femme” is, it’s not completely instinctive.

We all have many sides and histories. The word “femme” to me is not about wearing heels everyday, wanting to be a mother, having a million cute pictures on Facebook, heightened sensitivity to colors or shopping stamina. It’s not about only dating women who can pass for men, though I do find masculine women appealing. The aforementioned qualities are more stereotypical than realistic, though sensitivity to colors is based in biology. What makes me a femme? Well, my love for skirts, dresses and all things beautiful. My hair-flipping ability. My freakish emotional intelligence and sensitivity. My aversion to physical pain. My desire to comfort others. To you this may sound like outdated stereotypes. Yet for me the details are less important.

I am constantly "hacking" the word femme, teasing out of it new meaning.

Putting a definition to “feminine” and “masculine” is one of the hardest tasks I can imagine, slightly less hard than running the Federal Reserve or being a neurosurgeon. I understand why someone wouldn’t want to identify with a label. This may surprise you, but I can wear a suit and tie or play a contact sport and it has no effect my status as a femme. I have femme tenure.

Femme is also more liberating because I made the choice to identify as such and feel no shame in it. Of course I would feel no shame- as a woman I am encouraged by society to be "femme." And you'd be right to assume that it's easier for straight women and I to find common ground when I look similar to them. I also find it easier to introduce straight women to a girlfriend who looks like a boyfriend. But I don't have a firm ally in men or women. While straight women can relate to me and make up most of my friends, I am still too often seen as the tainted lesbian. I'm like a slut or a whore. And I have difficulty forming strong friendships with straight men.

This exercise has taught me to me more sensitive to the unique gender expressions of those around me. You are free to identify as butch/femme, genderqueer, androgynous or just yourself. I not vulnerable to harassment because of how I look, walk, dress or talk. I am vulnerable to harassment because I choose to be visible. I'm angry whenever I hear the line "If I wanted someone who looked like a man, I'd date one" on a television show, especially one that is LGBT themed (Sugar Rush comes to mind.) The gender expression chauvinism is our community needs to stop. I know the butch/femme dynamic seems passe, but it's just as passe as only valuing feminine (or non-butch) lesbians.

Identifying as femme is not about putting myself in a box. It’s about finally finding a box that so many people hid from me and saying

“Hey! That’s my box!”