Know Your Status

It was a Monday. I went to the Bryan Center to participate in the Know Your Status program. I’ve done this before. Ever since I became sexually active, I have gotten tested for HIV and other STI’s; however, this time was different. I was not going for a regular check-up. I did not go into it assuming that the test was going to come out negative. I went because one of my past sexual partners had contacted me. He told me that he just tested positive for HIV and that it was advisable that I do the same. I was scared. So many thoughts were running through my mind.

HIV does not discriminate. I know that as an educated college student who practices safe sex and who is not a drug user, I have felt removed from the virus. It is something I have read much about and am fully aware of the statistics, but I never thought that it would hit so close to home. I took the obvious precautions to be safe, but always felt that they were at times unnecessary.

It is extremely important that as sexually active individuals, we know our status and the status of those we are engaging in sexual intercourse with.

While I was sitting waiting for the results, my mind was racing. We were safe. We thought we knew each other’s statuses. We did everything “right,” yet here I was in a situation that was only supposed to happen to people who did “wrong.” While my test did come out as negative, my life has been forever changed. This has been one of the scariest weeks of my life and no one should ever have to go through this fear. I urge everyone who reads this to go out and get tested and continue getting tested for the rest of your life. There is no excuse not to and there is never a reason to stop getting tested.

The Gay Confessional

My first confession: I’m really excited to be a part of this LGBT community here at Duke! For those of you who don’t know, I identify as a queer woman, but I only just started going to the Center at the end of last fall semester hoping to find something that affirmed that what I felt for women wasn’t unique. And I was pleasantly surprised! Not only did I find a group of Duke students that I found to be friendly, energetic, and genuine, I finally had a medium to admit (to myself) and to my peers who I am.

My second confession: I’m not really out. Because while I’ve been able to tell most of my closest friends that I’m gay, by no means have I had the time to tell all of them. What stops me? Couldn’t I just tell them all tomorrow and be done with it? Something stops me. Is it their repetitive usage of “no homo lol” after they hugged me on the Quad? Is it the sorority bag that they carry on their way into our mutual classes? Is it their Christianity, or in the case of many of my friends, their Catholicism?

Or maybe it’s just me. My experience would tell me that this last reason is most accurate. Just a few weeks ago I came out to one of my closest Catholic friends. This woman is my role model-she attends daily Mass like it’s class, she prays the rosary more times in a week than I take a shower (I shower daily for anyone who just doubted my cleanliness) and she just all-around embodies someone who has dedicated her life to Catholicism.

So it happened over lunch. Somehow the conversation quickly turned to, “Why don’t you date [insert boy’s name here]? You two are so perfect for each other!” As I sat there with my mouth ajar, she continued: “No Megan, seriously! I need to know the reason why! Because I can’t understand why you two wouldn’t be dating.”

The golden window of opportunity had just opened. I sit there, stunned. Did this just happen? These kinds of moments in your life don’t happen very often. I close my eyes and frantically try to race the pros and cons in my head: “Is this the right moment? She’s one of my closest friends.” I know I’ll kick myself later if I mess this up. I look around the Refectory tables and I get a gut instinct: “just do it," something inside of me says.

All of this time, I can’t help thinking-“but she’s Catholic, she’s really Catholic.” [Disclaimer: For those of you who don’t know the Catholic Church’s position on LGBT issues, the Church holds that gay people should be embraced and accepted in the church as fellow Catholics, but it condemns gay sexual acts.]

Anyway… So I just decide to go for it and tell her: “Well… I don’t want to date him because…I’m gay”. Before I have the opportunity to keep talking, she smiles and says, “that’s okay!!! That’s totally fine!” I feel like a baseball just hit me out of left field. Wait, I ask myself, does that mean she’s okay with it? And not just okay with it, but she’s smiling, and she’s glad I told her?!

That’s when I learned what I should have learned when I was a little girl. Those who care about you will always care about you. Those who matter don’t mind. She mattered. And so, she didn’t mind.

For all the “what-if-they-don’t-like-me-as-much-because-now-they-know-I’m-gay” worries that I had floating around in my head, I’m only recently starting to realize that I don’t need to anticipate that negativity. This Friday I came out to another one of my close friends over lunch, and she gave me wise advice. She said, “I find that there are perfect people in the world, and then there are people with problems. Honestly, I find that everyone always likes the people with problems better than the perfect people.” That made me smile. =) Now, being gay is by no means a problem-it’s a beautiful part of human sexuality. But her gist holds true universally-that people tend to like real, honest people better. And it has been my experience that with each new person I come out to, not only have I grown much closer to them, but I finally am able to anticipate positive reactions, because that’s all I’ve gotten. Coming out this past month has made me much more confident, stronger and oh-so-much wiser.

As I left lunch with that friend, she sent me a text that I think hits this point home: “I think it’s funny that I was sitting there worried you’d judge me for living with my boyfriend next year and you were worried I’d judge you for being gay. I anticipate we will face similar irony each time we tell someone new! I’m proud of you Megan!”

So, does that mean starting to come out has been easy? Absolutely not. There are going to be ignorant people wherever I go. But what I want you to know, (yes you reading this blog), is that despite the initial difficulties in coming out that I’ve experienced internally, all of them combined together do not even BEGIN to outweigh the amazing benefits that I’ve received since coming out. I know that my experience will not be like everyone’s, but the feeling of liberation, the thought of maybe finally being able to date someone who I’m crazy about (oh my gosh?!!! :), and the knowledge that I am finally being honest with people, has all just felt amazing.

I’ve learned two great things from coming out. If this starts sounding preachy, I profusely apologize. (I thought they were worth mentioning!)

First, I’m seeing that friends love you. They don’t just like you. Like implies that it could stop. I could like vanilla today, but I might like chocolate better tomorrow. My likes waver and change.

But my loves don’t. There’s something about a love that never dies inside of you-it is that trick birthday candle that you just can’t put out. I have been given this unique and blessed opportunity to see that my friends love me, for me. Not for the person that they thought I was, or for the person that they wanted me to become, but for me. Their love doesn’t change, and it doesn’t waver, no matter if that’s a “straight” Megan or a gay Megan. And that opportunity, to see that kind of loyalty, love and friendship has been really self-affirming.

The other equally greatest part of starting to come out has been coming to the Center (like I mentioned above!). It’s a whole community of people, gay and straight, who think just like you, and who affirm that you are okay just the way you are, right now. So that’s why I’d like to encourage you to come by the Center too! I was just talking to someone earlier today who told me, “oh, I know a lot of queer people, they just don’t come to the Center. Well, I really hope we can change that. If you don’t want to go to the Center by yourself, please find me on Facebook and 1) friend me (Megan Weinand), and 2) shoot me a message that says, “Hey, come to Fab Friday with me?” or even better, “Please come to BDU meetings with me." Trust me, I won’t think you’re weird. The only thing I’ll be is just so thrilled that you’re coming. =)

So these are the greatest things about coming out. But you know what? I’m only just starting. It’d be a lot cooler if you’d do it too. Come out with me.

Anonymous Posts(4.5.10-4.11.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

You guys!

This week we had a blog meeting, and tons of people came! It was pretty much The Most Fun and We've got lots in store for the rest of the semester.

Also! I have to plug the production of RENT here at Duke because I am responsible for keeping you up to date with Duke LGBT news. And this is Duke LGBT news because duh. The production is nothing short of amazing, and we were all blown away. I'm going again next weekend, come with me!

Anyhow. We got one anonymous post this week!

#1
I have the most traditional values. I am a Black female who has been straight all her lives with straight friends and straight boyfriends. I have memories of experiences with 2 girls from my childhood. I am so attracted to other women that even talking about 2 girls kissing gets me so aroused.. it's not the same when I discuss heterosexual couples. Nobody I'm friends with would ever think I was anything but straight. But the truth is, I'm questioning. I don't know if I want a relationship with another woman, or how I'd handle it, but God knows that I really want to FUCK another woman. I put up an ad on Craigslist for someone like me... and I can't wait till I find her... so I can experience bliss: my dream of having sex with another woman using a strap-on.

[Ed. Note: Oh, hey, #1. I think all I can offer is to be careful on Craigslist. It can be kind of sketch. But so long as you stay safe, by all means you do you.]

My Coming Out Story

I came out so long ago that it feels like ancient history. Or Texas history. I came out in 7th grade, the one year I had to take Texas History. My coming out is kind of like the Battle of the Alamo: though I initially lost I ended the war a winner. I knew I was non-straight when I saw the Rocky Horror Picture show live the summer before the start of 7th grade. I had previously been attracted to women but had thought everyone else felt the way I did; they just didn’t talk about it. After going home I talked to my friend Blake on AIM who was in the same theatre program as me and openly gay. We talked about the show. I casually mentioned that the character Columbia was “hot.” He asked me if I was gay. I told him I had never considered it. After our night-long conversation I was convinced that I was different from the other girls and the word “bisexual” applied to me. My friend Catherine started talking to Blake. He accidentally told her of my sexual revelation.

I didn’t know this had happened until the first day of 7th grade when Catherine and her friends interrogated me about my “bisexuality.” Lacking any sense of self-preservation and with the knowledge that the damage had already been done, I told Catherine I didn’t care about whom she shared this knowledge with. One day I had a group of nerdy, conventional friends. Another day they all avoided me. The words fag, dyke, bitch, slut and whore followed me from advisory to the long bus ride home. I had been diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder in elementary school. This wave of hostility brought out the worst depression of my life.

I came out to my parents around the same time. I had come home from school crying. My dad went to my room and asked me question after question. He asked me if I had a boyfriend and then asked if I had a girlfriend. When I answered yes, he told me I was too young to know and left the room. I tried in vain for months to convince my parents that I wasn’t too young to know. My dad, concerned about my safety, forbid me from telling anyone about my sexuality. Unfortunately, the damage was already done.

My new friends were potheads and punks, though I was too emotionally detached to be more than their mute accomplice during school. I had been a tomboy from a young age but slowly morphed into a feminine creature. At first I was grotesque. I wore too much make-up and thrift store clothes. Now I am completely comfortable with my identity as a femme. In 7th grade I managed to still make excellent grades. I was isolated but not without hope. By 8th grade I was barely passing my classes. The “girlfriends” I had in middle school only wanted sex from me or told the most vicious bullies about my sexuality. Everyday I faked sick or begged my mom not to take me to school. I was convinced that I couldn’t stay in school and had no future. The summer between 7th and 8th grade I only ate cheerios and nearly fainted in the shower.

Though I constantly felt like I wanted to die, I didn’t have a plan for how to commit suicide. I faint at the sight of blood, had no idea how to get a gun (I hope no one’s surprised that my Texas house was sans gun) and didn’t have pills readily available. I spent most of my time listening to avant-jazz and making crude drawings. When my parents and I met with the school counselor I spent the whole time hysterically crying and yelling at her. I was convinced that all the other kids in school were stupid. Though I don’t like to draw now, I became quite good at anatomical drawings. This one picture particularly impressed me and I was fond of copying it:


My privilege saved me from suicide. My parents had enough money to send me to therapy and put me on anti-depressants and cared enough to let me leave therapists who I felt weren’t supportive. The transfer to private Catholic school saved me academically and wouldn’t have been possible without my parent’s economic status. Though I was marked as the “weird lesbian girl” at my Catholic high school and wasn’t socially active, I did well enough to get into Duke. I am privileged that my family now treats my sexuality as a non-issue. As a result I can completely commit to being out to everyone I meet at Duke and can act as a witness to all facets of Duke’s social climate. I am not afraid of how people will react to my sexuality because I’ve heard it all. I still don’t know what it’s like to live somewhere where race and sexuality are not hot-button topics. While I intend to have this experience soon I am also grateful for the perspective I gained from being out at a young age in San Antonio, Texas.

This is part of a poem I wrote from my “dark period.” I sometimes chant the stanza to myself when I’m feeling down:

If god hates fags
You think that I would burn and die
My outside rubbing with my inside
Like they teach you to rub two sticks together

This Weekend!Full Frame Film Festival and LGBT Related Movies

Hey all,
I just wanted to alert everyone about the Full Frame Film Festival happening this weekend in Durham (it actually opened tonight). This is The Festival's 13th year.

I was going through the list of featured films and saw some had LGBT themes. Here's a brief list I compiled with synopses (directly from the site) and their respective showtime information. Just to be clear, I've not seen any of these and I'm not "endorsing" any of them or their viewpoints. Though, hopefully some of you will be able to attend one or more over the weekend. Be sure to let us know what you thought of it! You could even write blog post review of the film! Tickets are $10 each...see this link for more information.

The Exectution of Wanda Jean [Friday, 7:50PM @ Carolina Theater] In 1988 Wanda Jean Allen shot her girlfriend, Gloria Leathers, to death outside the Village Police Department in Oklahoma City. The State charged Allen, who had a previous conviction of manslaughter, with premeditated first-degree murder and sought the death penalty. She was convicted. With direct access to Allen and her team of supporters, specifically her spiritual advisor, Reverend Robin Meyers, and her defense lawyer, Steve Presson, Garbus follows Allen’s final appeals for clemency and documents the last three months of her life on death row. The film further weaves in the experiences of Allen’s mother and siblings and also Leathers’s family and their reactions as the 2001 execution draws near. A staggeringly personal account of one woman’s battle to save her life, the film is also a searching examination of the morality of the death penalty, particularly when race, mental health, and sexuality come into play.

Regretters [Saturday, 7:40PM @ Durham Arts Council] Born men, once women, and now men again, Orlando and Mikael dig deep into the psychology behind the one regret they share: their sex change. Orlando was one of the first people in Sweden to undergo a sex change operation in 1967; Mikael went under the knife much more recently, in the 1990s. Before making this film, director Marcus Lindeen produced a well-received stage play based on their stories; now, he has Orlando and Mikael speak for themselves. The film is structured around a conversation between these two very different individuals as they describe their own experiences and ask insightful questions of each other. The ways in which their experiences overlap and diverge make this a complex, unflinching portrait of regret and a thoughtful exploration of identity and expectations.

[Just from reading the synopsis, I recognize that this film may be contraversial. I am affirming of any individual who identifies as transgender. I've not seen it and I am not endorsing it; I don't know what its agenda/viewpoint/message is. The film may be of interest to readers of this blog, which is why I've included it on this list. If you see it over the weekend, please give us a review!]

Stonewall Uprising [Saturday, 4:30PM @ Durham Convention Center] This essential history of gay rights in America centers on June 27, 1969, the night that patrons of a Greenwich Village bar, the Stonewall Inn, refused to be rounded up and humiliated just for being themselves. America was a homophobic nation, deluded by the belief—bolstered by hysterical documentaries like Mike Wallace’s CBS Reports episode “The Homosexuals”—that homosexuality was a mental illness. There was no such thing as being out of the closet—there was only in the closet. Greenwich Village was the exception, a place where gay people met openly. One hot summer night, with a police raid in progress, something snapped, and gays and lesbians fought back, hurling beer bottles and stones at the police. The loud and proud gay rights march that soon followed announced that gay people would now refuse to be treated as criminals. With a wealth of archival material and extensive interviews with participants, this film memorializes the rebellion that ushered in the gay liberation era.

My Two Cents

This has been a popular topic of interest as of late and I haven't chimed in before, but I'd like to offer my two cents.

I don’t know if I’m considered part of the ‘in crowd’ or not, but I’ve definitely felt like part of the ‘out crowd’ before. There's been at least one occassion when I popped into The Center to see what was going on and left soon thereafter. In between, I stood uncomfortably and felt really out of place. As my Duke career has continued on, I’ve gotten more and more involved.

The first thing I did related to The Center was to stop by early on in my freshman year to see what they offered in terms of resources and programming and stuff. I met Chris Purcell, who showed me around and introduced me to Janie (who I still didn’t really know personally until this semester). I don’t think I went back until the spring (still a freshman) when I attended to an ally training event. At the end of the year, around this time, I helped table for National Day of Silence because it was something I did in high school and wanted to continue to do. I think I might have made an appearance at a BDU meeting or two last year, as well…but they weren’t particularly great experiences. It still felt like everyone knew everyone else and I didn’t quite fit.

This year, I made it to a BDU meeting at the beginning and made it to some (but not all) subsequent ones thereafter. I started blogging as a way to contribute to the community on my own time and I got really involved with the anti-hate speech campaign. Since then things have really changed for the better. I’ve even recently started hanging out in the back room during chunks of down time in my day.

I’m sorry for that long explanation, but I wanted you to understand the evolution and spectrum of my experiences with The Center. I haven’t always been around or involved in all the ways that I currently am.

From my limited experiences, the best advice I have, and this doesn’t necessarily apply to # 1 but may apply to individuals who are really looking to be involved, is to join a committee and work on a specific project. BDU meetings alone don’t really introduce you to people and don’t facilitate making relationships with others. However, working on a project for BDU, much like working on a group project for a class, gave me a space to get to know a small number of individuals on a more personal level. For me, it was less intimidating to be a newbie in that smaller setting. And, because I was working on something I was really passionate about I felt comfortable just being myself. Getting to know those individuals opened the door for me to get to know others. I don’t know everyone…I’m constantly meeting new people in the back room or at a BDU meeting, but I feel really comfortable in the space that The Center creates.

To #1, to address why you “should go”: I don’t actually think every LGBTQA identified individual has to go to The Center or be involved with BDU or whatever, so I don't really feel comfortable telling you that "you should go." I do hope, though, that The Center meets everyone-who-is-looking-for-that-kind-of-space-or-community’s needs. I, personally, really value having a community focused around something that is a part of my life. A comparable example is my involvement with the Freeman Center for Jewish Life. There, and at The Center, I can engage in activities and conversations that I can’t (necessarily) do/have with my friends in my block or from my freshman dorm or, to a somewhat lesser extent, my classes. Whether it’s campaigning against hate speech or celebrating the Jewish Sabbath, these are things I love to talk and think about and to act on, but that I couldn’t do on my own or with friends I may know from elsewhere. If you can have these experiences with your group of friends then you don’t need The Center to fill a void for you. But for me, it fills a really important void. Or, if you have no burning desire to have these experiences, then that’s perfectly okay, too! Lastly, I can’t say enough about the kind of individuals I’ve met through BDU and/or The Center. These individuals are quirky, passionate, original, genuine and down to earth--some of the qualities that I value most in my friends. They are real. I don’t mean to be Debbie Downer or knock the rest of the Duke population, but I haven’t found that anywhere else (if you disagree, please show me what I’m missing on campus).

[stay tuned for a sports related column soon...sorry!]

---

Viviana Santiago, Professional Baller: Today, Vivi wrote a letter to the Chronicle regarding the BSAI Step Off two weeks ago. Some things were said there that most definitely needed to be addressed. It is important to recognize though, that like Vivi says, her letter should not be an end to this conversation, but rather the beginning. (More on what happened that weekend coming soon).

To #1, Or how I learned to stop worrying and love the Center

[This is kind of out of the ordinary, but we got this anonymous entry today in response to another one that was posted on Monday. I figured it was time sensitive and also WAY too long to go in our regular post for next Monday so I'm just posting it now!]

As a non-Greek woman at Duke, I have a complicated relationship with sororities. A lot of women I sincerely admire and respect are members of them. But, during the wonderful day known as “Bid Day”, I find myself cringing at all their high-pitched wailing of Greek letters.

Now, I didn’t join a sorority, because like a lot of non-Greeks, I possessed an image in my mind of what a sorority girl was supposed to look and act like. I didn’t feel like I would belong, so I found alternative social circles to devote myself to. Honestly, I can say that I love the people I spend time with and I don’t regret my decision to not participate in Greek life. However, thinking about the justification behind my decision to refrain from sororities reveals some intriguing parallels with the common reasons people give for not coming to the Center. In this post, I hope to articulate my understanding of the current divide in the Duke LGBTQA community between Center “regulars” and Center “non-goers”. At the end, I also hope to provide an engaging incentive to attend Center programs other than “give us another try, we promise we’ll try to talk to you.”

Before I start, let me preface by saying that I am devotedly loyal to the Center. I work there, I socialize there, I eat there, etc. So yes, I am biased in favor of the Center, but give me a chance and hear me out.

From what I can discern, there are two main reasons why people don’t come to the Center. These reasons are not necessarily mutually exclusive and of course there are tons of other reasons why people don’t attend Center events. However, the two main ones I most commonly come across are:

1. Personal apprehension with being “visible”

2. Exclusivity

The first reason is a complicated one that most need to overcome individually. Of course, personal apprehension with being out could be alleviated with having a better and more inclusive campus culture. However, what I’m really interested in is the exclusivity that is associated with the Center.

What do people mean when they say that Fab Fridays are “exclusive”? Well, on a simple level, they mean cliques, coteries, the “in-crowd”. On a deeper level, they also may be referring to the behavior norms of Duke’s LGBT community.

It’s no secret that any community will have community “norms”—for better or worse. Norms include language, common interests, clothing style, you get the point. I think part of the reason some people don’t want to come to the Center is that they feel that they won’t fit in. Nobody wants to feel marginalized for not following the norm in larger society only to find that they are also outside the norms of a smaller community. Just as I had a preconceived image in my mind of what norms a sorority girl must follow, I think many students have an image of what queer life at the Center is.

Now, the LGBT community both at Duke and in the larger context (contrary to popular belief, there is a world beyond these gothic, pollinated borders) is unique in a lot of aspects, but it is especially distinct when it comes to norms of behavior. Usually, I believe you can’t rightfully criticize a community for having norms. Yes, you can challenge them, question them, fight them. But you can’t criticize a community for actually having a set of norms to operate in. In other words, you can challenge the law, break the law, fight the law. But you can’t criticize the existence of laws. Some of you anarchists may disagree with me, but I tend to think that having some sort of legal system is probably a smart thing for a civilization to have.

This principle of having a common set of norms holds for every community, except when it comes to the LGBT community. We are a group of people whose very existence challenges the propriety and utility of gender norms. In this same vein, I find it incredibly regressive when, as a community, we try to regulate how gay men and lesbians are supposed to act. For example, we shouldn’t use a love of Lady Gaga or the Indigo Girls as an indicator of someone’s sexual orientation. Sure, it’s funny. Maybe it may even be true most of the time. But, it’s still backwards to our mission as a community: to prove that sexuality cannot be embodied or encapsulated by mere physical appearance.

So how does this relate to me not joining a sorority and the Center in any way?

Well, even though I don’t regret my decision not to join a sorority, I do regret my reasons for doing so. I gave Greek life an unfair image without ever giving it half a chance to prove me otherwise. And, as someone recently pointed out to me, if my perception of sorority norms was so troublesome, I should have done more to engage with and change the norms.

So if you don’t come to the Center because you don’t particularly care for Lady Gaga and you don’t think you fit the community norms, I give you a personal challenge. We at the Center will do our best to reach out. But meet us halfway and challenge the way we define ourselves. The more diverse individuals with diverse interests we get, the better. With every new face and new personality at social events, the closer we are to proving that the LGBTQA community is more than the way we dress or the music we like. This is a truth that we must convey to the larger community, but, more importantly, to ourselves. See you at the next Fab Friday, Women Loving Women discussion, and/or Blue Devils United meeting :D.

-Michelle

Blog Meeting Tomorrow Night!

BDU Blog Meeting, Tomorrow Night

Wed. April 7 at 6PM

Kilgo J216

All are welcome!

I know I originally said that the meeting would be tonight, but I sort of forgot it'd be my birthday? Yeah. But! We're on for tomorrow in my room. Also, it's three hours earlier, People On Central!

Anonymous Posts(3.29.10-4.4.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

So last night we won the 2010 National Championship in Men's basketball. Cameron Indoor was packed and went absolutely nuts when we won. It was exhilarating to participate in my 3rd bonfire celebration at Duke.

Having said that, I feel as if this is an appropriate venue to express how bittersweet it is for me to beat Butler. Y'all might not know this, but two of my husbands are actually on their team - Gordon Hayward and Coach Brad Stevens. It's tough to console them after a loss like this, but what's really important is that we have each other (I hope Scheyer doesn't read this. It'd make for a pretty awkward date tonight).

Anyhow! Lot's of anonymous posts this week. Keep 'em coming!

#1

Hi BDU blog,

Firstly, let me say how much I enjoy reading this blog. Keep up the good work! Now, I would like to address a recent anonymous post and the discussion it seems to have stirred up. Let me give you my perspective: I'm a gay guy who has been out for a while, and I'm someone who is quite secure with my own sexual and social identity. I have a couple of gay friends who have all urged me to go to Fab Friday, but here's the thing: I've heard a lot about the cliqueness of the LGBT Center. What especially worries me is the angst I hear from a couple of regular attendees about how even they feel really excluded sometimes and how the entire environment oftentimes seems to be pretty Mean Girls-esque. Now, as I mentioned earlier, I am very happy socially with both my close friends and my extended social circle, and I suppose one might classify my social life as that of a stereotypical/traditional Duke student, except for the fact that I'm gay. My question that I would like to pose is this: as someone who is generally socially content, what reason do I have to go to the LGBT Center? It seems like there's a whole lot of y'all that are really passionate about the place, but I don't want to have a horror-story experience. Moreover, I really just don't get what my motivation should be for going. What do I stand to gain from going? I would really appreciate a response from anyone who has an opinion on this.

Thanks!

[Ed. Note: Great question, Number 1. A lot of us do really talk up The Center quite a bit. For me, personally, it is a place where I can always find some of my friends. The staff there - Peg, Janie and Chris - are so much fun and helpful. Always. It's hard to articulate, but I guess it's sort of an on-campus home for me, replete with parents and siblings :) As mentioned, we're truly working on the cliquiness - we don't mean to be!

But! But. The Center is not the only way to get involved with The Community on campus. It might not be for you right now! Clearly it's not the easiest thing to walk in to your first time without knowing anyone. But there is also Blue Devils United, our advocacy group on campus that meets every other Wednesday at 6 in The Center (not this week, but next). Those meetings are much more low-key in my opinion. Also! There is also the LGBT discussion group (I'm not sure if those are done for the semester, though, I'll ask) and of course our awesome BLOG that is meeting TONIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT (stay tuned for details!).]

#2

I am so frustrated. Don't get me wrong, I like being gay. I love loving women, because they are amazing. But so often I find myself falling for straight girls-or really, just girls in general on this campus, and it's SO FRUSTERATING because I have to just accept that it will never amount to anything. I feel like I am in a continuous cycle of liking girls who don't, and could *never* like me back, for reasons that they can't even control.

It's like I'm getting burnout. I'm burnout of always liking straight girls. Falling in love and just knowing that it's not reciprocated. Period. I know that, yes, maybe a nice gay girl will come along and I'll like her as much as I like all these straight girls, and then maybe I'll be lucky enough to have her like me too. But it's not too likely. And I'm not too keen on dating a girl I meet at the Center because there's so few of us and it would just make things so awkward.

And while I sit here and wait for me to meet that special someone, my heart just feels like it can't take this eternal singledom anymore. But it has to.

And in the mean time, it's falling left and right for straight girls.

[Ed. Note: This is kind of superfrustrating. I hear you, #2. You are describing, uh, all of high school and a good chunk of Duke for me. Patience I guess is really all that I can preach, as shitty as it makes me feel doing so. But bah! to being reluctant to date someone you met at The Center. They're My Favorites, and HOT COMMODS. You'd be doing yourself a disservice!]

#3

i compulsively submit anonymous posts.

[Ed. Note: Haha, I compulsively love you? All the time? Is that possible?]

#4

Even though you're gay, everytime you affirm my role in the community as an ally (implying/assuming that I'm straight) it just means that I'll be less likely to talk to you about my sexuality. There's a reason I don't flaunt my heterosexuality--and it isn't just because I think that that's a shitty thing to do. It's also because I don't really know if I am.

[Ed. Note: Oh, hey, #4. This is really important, and to be honest, this is a perspective or sentiment that I'd never thought of before. I've actually heard the opposite, more often, I think - that straight allies are constantly assumed to be LGBTQ. But definitely your situation is just as, well, oppressive. I really value posts like this because they help us as a Community improve in ways that I don't think we'd come up with on our own. /mush]

#5

So... I'm a little late, but I wanted to thank everyone involved in the no hate speech campaign recently. I went to a rural high school where one of my good friends was almost daily confronted with hate speech because of their sexuality... though I'm afraid it happens every where. =\ I was glad to see such a well put together event/posters bringing this problem to everyone's attention. Also, I was pretty impressed/ mesmerized by the rainbow cupcakes!! They were amazing. How did you get those perfect layers!?! ...my baking skills (i.e. boiling water) don't quite compare. =) Good work BDU!

[Ed. Note: NUMBER 5, I KNOW. The cupcakes! Apparently it was a very involved process and hopefully someone who was involved in the baking process can explain what went down. Thank you, though! Everyone did do an absolutely great job with what was like you said, a very important campaign.]

This Video. (via Videogum): Words cannot express the empathy I have for this boy. (Also, if you do not think this is LGBT news, you do not know what LGBT news is.)

To #4:

I always look forward to reading the anonymous posts on the BDU blog. They’re almost always incredibly enlightening and I think I come away with a new perspective on our community with each week’s set. As many others have said, I think the blog has an absolutely fantastic readership base.

An anonymous post (#4 in the most recent series here), particularly spoke to me this time. This poster speaks of how their excitement of their first Fab Friday at the Center quickly turned to disappointment. Expecting to make new friends and to be welcomed into the community, this person was completely ignored and excluded from the existing groups. Disenchanted, they left soon after.

Sadly, this is not the first time this has happened to a new visitor to Fab Friday or the LGBT Center. Often it is the reason that people are hesitant to stop by. It’s something that we all need to shoulder responsibility for too – I was at the last Fab Friday and didn’t talk to this person, for which I am truly sorry. Echoing what Chris Perry wrote, we can’t forget what it’s like to be shy or new to a situation – especially when we’ve been part of a group for so long.

In fact, my first experience with the LGBT Center was not altogether dissimilar to this poster’s. During the months leading up to my arrival at Duke, I had researched the LGBT resources and groups on campus and was well aware of the first Fab Friday event. Building up my confidence to actually go along was a whole other story however. Having finally resolved myself to attend, I took the long inside entrance to the LGBT Center through the West Union. (There was no way you were getting me to walk through a door that so flamboyantly proclaimed ‘DUKE CENTER FOR LGBT LIFE’ in plain view of the Plaza. You may as well have asked me to perform drag through the Marketplace.) My hands shook and my heart pounded as I pushed the door open. (I apologize if this sounds like a bad crime novel.) The first person I met, Janie, was as welcoming and inviting as she could be – she and Chris [Ed. Note: Purcell!] truly deserve a lot of praise for how they make new-timers feel welcome. In contrast however, the main room full of people was extremely intimidating. I knew no one, nor was I approached by anyone and within five minutes I was standing awkwardly beside the table of food. The sole consolation was that the cupcakes were amazing.

Like so many other students, I’ve been fortunate enough to have had some extremely positive experiences with the Center, Fab Fridays and the Duke LGBT community despite my first awkward experience. But it is so important for us to remember that there are many people who have not had good experiences, or are intimidated by even the prospect of visiting. It’s all too easy to forget that others exist once we feel comfortable in our own established groups and cliques – this is definitely something that I’m guilty of. This is particularly true for the LGBTQ community, where people may already feel uncomfortable expressing or promoting themselves, even without the additional difficulty of breaking into new social circles.

So, #4, I want to praise you for your courage for coming to Fab Friday for the first time. I truly am sorry that your experience turned out not to be what you hoped. But I am really glad that you decided to share it with us, because it is so valuable for everyone to be aware of this issue. I really hope that you will come back to the LGBT Center, Fab Friday, or a BDU event and that you have a much more welcoming and positive experience. I really hope you’ll become a part of our community, because we’d love to have you. I know I’m going to make more of an effort to reach out to newcomers and I know that so many others in our community will too. For everyone reading, I want to challenge you all to speak with someone who you haven’t met, who’s new, or who seems shy, the next time the opportunity arises. It’s a cliché, but it really can mean a whole lot for that person.

Anonymous Posts(3.22.10-3.28.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Hey you guys.

1) We had a ton of pre-frosh visit the Center this weekend and it was pretty much The Most Awesome. I would never have the confidence to do that in a million years, and I'm realizing that these younger generations are bold. Thanks for hanging out! Hope to see you all in the Fall.

2) Walk by Kilgo J when you can. We are making the section look like an LGBT SLG. It's legit. Let us know if you want a flag, too! We'll even hang it for you :) Apparently, someone wrote a letter to RLHS complaining about the rainbow flags, citing an obscure line in building code. This is good! We are pissing intolerant people off! That means we're doing our job.

Lots of awesome posts this week. Comment time!

#1

LOVE IT. Jane Lynch is an amazing woman. Sue Sylvester on the other hand thinks we've gotta watch out for all those "sneaky gays" out there! Check it out and get PUMPED for Glee starting again soon!!

[Ed. Note: I'm going to be honest, #1. This sort of sounds like the work of a PR person at Fox. This is very ad-like and most likely a blatant pandering to our Glee-obsessed gay community. But having said that, OMG CAN'T WAIT.]

#2

HELLO BDU. the posters you unleashed on campus today were extroardinary. YES

[Ed. Note: I know! The No Homo(phobia) campaign was incredibly successful. Everyone involved just GOT. IT. last week, and are pretty much my heros. Mason Plumlee even signed our pledge! More information about the anti-hate speech campaign here.]

#3

I want to cry. I want to lie down in my bed and cry my eyes out like a little child. It's not a problem of identifying. I know who I am. It's a problem of finding someone special for me. And I guess being a gay guy doesn't make it any easier. Everyone's already in relationships or don't want one. Or they don't want me. It's really frustrating you know? And there's nothing I can do about it. I'm always the friend, never the boyfriend. I'm always there for them no matter what, but who's there for me? I guess I'm just a helpless romantic. I've always imagined being able to call up or text my boyfriend after a long day of classes and grabbing lunch and eating in the gardens or something. But it's never happened. And I don't know what to do. Everyone tells me to be patient but for how long? I'm a very patient person but by God! I can only be patient to a certain degree. I just want someone to spend my time with. Someone to watch a movie with. Is that so much to ask for? Maybe it is. I don't know. I'd love to feel wanted for once in my life. I guess I'll just have to settle with being the friend for now. Being the best friend that secretly has a crush on you. The one that is always there for you. Always the shoulder to cry on. And then, in that moment of weakness, admit my feelings to you, hoping that something will spark in your mind. Hoping that you'll remember that it was me who was always there for you, that it's me who you really want. I know this post may not be about a pressing gay issue, but for me, I can't stop thinking about it.

[Ed. Note: I can't really do better than the "be patient" advice because that's all you can do. It's just not sensible to ever think that you've met everyone that you're ever going to meet. We are young [!] and all it takes is one person to make it all completely worth it. This sounds cliche! Pretty much The Most Cliche. You'd think I was taking Cliche 101 at Cliche University. But it's true! A LOT can change in even one night. Hang in there, #3, you'll be alright :)]

#4

When I first entered the LGBT Center for Fab Friday, I was excited, happy, thrilled, anxious. I was ready to meet all the new people and for once feel at home and welcomed. I felt like I could be myself and make new friends without being judged. I didn't know anyone there, had no previous connections, had seen some people around campus but that was it. I walked in at 4:32. I left at 5:08. 36 minutes. In those 36 minutes, all of my emotions were reversed. I was hurt, sad, depressed. Why you ask? No one talked to me. Not one person. Yeah, I come off as quiet and shy but once you get to talking to me, I kinda have trouble getting myself to shut up. But no one tried. Everyone was fractured off into their own very distinct groups. There was little correspondence between groups. For the most part, they all moved together. Being new there, I of course had no group to join so I just stood along the outside, observing everything, getting a drink and some snacks every once in a while. In what turned out to be a futile attempt, I tried to join one group, only to be ignored for the usual Fab Friday goers. Ever since then, I have not set foot in the Center again and never felt really attached to the gay community. Thankfully, I've had an awesome group of open and understanding friends that have been there to help me through my rough times. It just hurts when your own community inadvertently treats you like an exile. It took me a while to write this. I don't want to criticize the Center, I'm sure it's a great place with great people, but I just wanted to let you know that it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to pay more attention to new faces. I don't know if I'll be returning to the Center anytime soon but when or if I do, I hope my experience is better.

[Ed. Note: I'm really happy this was posted here. I think you offer a great perspective on how coming to The Center can feel for those who aren't regulars. This entry embodies one of the major goals of the blog - to educate the out community at Duke. We can't lose sight of what it's like to be shy, closeted, new, etc. here. I promise to go up to new people at Fab Friday, #4, including you when you come back this week and give us another try :)]

#5

[Ed. Note: This is a sweet video put together by The Center about Coming Out Day at Duke. Really well done, and a good idea of what this awesome event is like. See you in 2010!]

#6

Shit is hitting the fan right now.

In a good way, I think.

Things are changing faster than expected. I was in for so so so so long. And now I’m out. Yeah, there are still people who I need to tell, and people who I don’t want to tell, but for the most part, I am now officially a not-straight-woman (not positive on what lingo I want to go with). It’s weird because I never really was a straight woman...well, except for always. Should I hold a press conference or something? I guess that would be a little formal. A party? Too over-the-top. Maybe I’ll just tell people next time I see them. Or a mass text. Yes. No?

Anyways, it seems as though a huge, long era of my life is coming to an end. And I’m glad it is, in general, but I’m just not used to it being over. I’m not used to being able to tell people about my sexuality without having to rehearse it 15 [bajilion] times in my head first. I’m not used to saying out loud, “Wow, she’s gorgeous,” or not having to say “Yeah, I definitely think he’s cute.” I’m not used to being ready to face my future or to stop thinking about my depressive, suicidal past. But it’s time for me to move on. I definitely didn’t foresee any trouble in letting go of these things that I absolutely hated about my closeted life, but they are things that I strangely want to hold on to. They are emotions and experiences that I definitely don’t want to forget, but that I am also not sure I want to stop experiencing. It’s just weird- coming out seems to be losing its thrill, in a way. I loved coming out and then telling my story and answering questions, but now that I’m not wrestling with things I used to be wrestling with, telling my story seems extraneous. It’s weird and definitely unexpected that when I come out to someone and they just say “cool!” it’s kind of a let-down. Am I super twisted for feeling this way? It is very much possible that I am- and it won’t hurt my feelings if I get 15 [bajillion] comments saying “Yes, you should be straight up ecstatic that the response is ‘cool!’” I’m just wondering.

Anyways, I also wanted to thank you all for sharing your stories because I wouldn’t have understood mine (let alone started to share it) without you. I would also like to strongly encourage others who may have been in for so so so so long to come join me outside. It seems like it’ll be fun. And I selfishly want to have more people to play with! The more, the merrier, as they say. Girls/women (depending on which you prefer), I’m waiting for you, especially......now that I’m being honest and all :).

Ok, I’m signing this anonymously as I’m not quite ready yet to have people know who I don’t know know. Ya feel? If you read it slowly, I think that might make sense.

Also please comment on my post. Otherwise I will continue to post painfully long anonymous posts until I get 15 [bajilion] comments each. Seriously, I really want to hear what you have to say- anything at all.

Happy to have finally gotten together the guts to hit the "Done" button, and sad to be returning to my homework,

Anonymous from Bostock

[Ed. Note: You're my girl #6! I'm really glad you're moving ahead like this :) As for missing parts of your past, I'd say that there are many different ways to recreate that excitement. Personally, working on this blog and reading as people come out to themselves and others is just as thrilling as if I were going through it myself. Controversy's also fun - maybe you'd be interested in protesting with me and Aliza sometime. I'm sure we could find some people who wouldn't respond with "cool" haha. What you said about when you were depressed - that there are parts of this you don't want to forget - really resonates with me. There are many awful, awful episodes I've gone through in my life, but to be honest I think I'd do them all over again. Masochistic? Maybe. I just don't think I'd be the same person without those experiences. They've also given me first-hand knowledge on a lot of issues that I wouldn't otherwise have. (I'm holding you to your promise of painfully long anonymous posts, by the way :) )]

#7

I miss my LGBTA Dukies! I love the blog and enjoy seeing the great things you all are doing :-)

[Ed. Note: Awesome! It's pretty cool to see how this site finds people. Come back and visit, #7!]

Flamboyance, Visibility

It’s been a long time since I’ve written, and for that I apologize. I’ve been busy working with RENT (which everyone should see, by the way! visit rentatduke.com for details), but that’s not a sufficient excuse.

I write today on the same topic I began writing on in January (and never completed): the dark, strange, and often counterintuitive world of “visibility.”

What exactly do I mean by that? What do we even have to gain from visibility?

Let’s call visibility, for now, “the extent to which an average person who is making no deliberate efforts to encounter nor avoid exposure to unambiguously LGBTQ individuals or information.” Blegh, that's a mouthful.

I’m trying to say that being LGBTQ isn’t like being, say, female. Or east Asian. Or anything else that’s usually, though not always nor exclusively, visibly determined. You can’t look at someone and just know that s/he is gay or queer or a 2 on the Kinsey scale or however else a person might identify. And even the fact that I have to word it that way hints at some of the additional complexities, because there isn’t any definitive test to tell people (or yourself, or your parents) exactly what it is you are (trust me, I wish there were). Plenty of people identify as something either misleading or not entirely straightforward—whether the typically ambiguous queer or the closeted folks who still list themselves as “Interested In” the opposite gender—not to say that most of them don’t have excellent reasons, because they usually do.

But it would be a mistake to pretend that everything is suddenly simple as soon as a person has made the crucial (and bold, and terrifying, and wonderful, and everything else) step of saying, “Hello, world! I’m gay!” Sexuality can change. Situations change. Maybe you’ve just moved to Florida and suddenly realize you can be fired for being gay, which can and does happen all the time, so you decide to go back into the closet until the world suddenly becomes a better, warmer, more loving place (hah, I wish).

This… freedom of self-identification, however, is at least a little bit troubling. Maybe it’s just me, but I think sexuality is a pretty fundamental thing. And knowing that how you fundamentally understand yourself—not only how you tell others whom and what you are but also what exactly you tell you about yourself—can change… that’s terrifying to me.

A while back I went through a phase where I really admired individuals who were, say, flamboyantly gay, who made sure there was no doubt in anyone’s mind just exactly how they identified. To some extents, I still do. While it seems like so many of us do our best to blend in, these people put it all on the line and show the world a side of things it probably doesn’t often get to see, unless we’re talking about NYC or Portland or Seattle or San Francisco or some other gay mecca. One of the big talking points at our last BDU meeting was that people don’t feel like the LGBTQ community at Duke is visible.

Are we? Aren’t we? How do we get there? Do we turn ourselves into monuments of fabulousness? It’s certainly a possibility. Do we alter our hairstyles, our clothing, our speech? Do we put up posters saying, “Hey! The gays are here, even if you can’t see them. Don’t put us down?” All of this just seems unfair. Why should I have to make myself visibly gay? How is this still an issue?

What this boils down to for me is this: I don’t necessarily want to fit in, but I don’t want to have to stand out. This week is our Anti-Hate Speech Campaign here at Duke. Earlier in the week we had given out rainbow ribbons until we ran out of them. The next day, I repinned my ribbon to my shirt and went about my business. First stop of the day, coffee. My barista says, “What’s that for? Is it Pride day or something?” I explained the campaign to him, but being the only one wearing a ribbon that day, I felt like I stuck out terribly. I suppose the purpose of the ribbon is to open dialogue. It just feels… uncomfortable to stand out so boldly.

But what am I afraid of? Am I afraid of being perceived as gay? I mean, not really, because I am. All the same, there’s a huge fear of appearing too flamboyant and I can’t even convey exactly why that is.

I’m not trying to blend in, but I don’t think I should have to stand out to be recognized. For now, I suppose the only way to get where I’d like to get is to stand out. If some people don’t want to view the LGBTQ community as full people, then I guess I’m willing to make sacrifices until they will. But it’s a thin line to tread—it seems like I’m expected to show that that I’m gay, but I’m also “cool” or “normal” or maybe even just “not weird…” whatever it is I need to seem like to win that person over. But I don’t believe in that either!

There can be little doubt that I’m actually quite weird. I’m an eccentric, strange, sometimes difficult-to-tolerate person. I’m also exceptional in a number of ways. But none of that has anything to do with the fact that I’m gay, and it just seems silly to me by now that anyone would think it would.

So… standing out? I’ll do it, I guess. Through rainbow ribbons and involvement and posters if not through clothing. It just doesn’t feel fair. Here I am, little old Matt, winning over the world one person at a time. At least I can say that, here at Duke, I know I’m not doing it alone. But for what it’s worth, I’ll say that I think if you’re not fighting, you’re wasting your time. Do it. Fight. From the protection of your closet if need be. Just do it.

Gates eases ban on gays in the military: (from CNN) Defense Secretary Robert Gates announced Thursday that the Pentagon will start to ease its enforcement of the "don't ask, don't tell" policy prohibiting gay individuals from serving openly in the military.

Among other things, Gates said the Pentagon is raising the threshold for what constitutes an appropriate level of information necessary to launch a "credible inquiry" into allegations of homosexual behavior.

The change, which will take effect in 30 days and apply to all current cases, is a reflection of "common sense" and "common decency," Gates said. "These changes reflect some of the insights we have gained over 17 years of implementing the current law, including the need for consistency, oversight and clear standards."

President Obama and Adm. Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, support a legislative repeal of "don't ask, don't tell," which was first enacted in 1993. Some senior members of the military, however, have expressed concern over the impact of the ban's repeal on unit cohesion and morale, among other things.

Don't Ask Don't Tell Hits Home

Today I am outraged. I can't decide if this merits tears or rage. The BDU blog was the only outlet through which I could think to express these thoughts. I have always believed that DADT was wrong--it was unconstitutional, wrong on so many levels. I could rattle off a list of facts that would surely make a strong argument for its repeal. But today it hit home. It hit home hard. It was no longer "soldiers" or "Americans" but a friend. I could not promise this friend any security and wanted to cry when I saw them stand and risk everything for who they are. Why is this a choice anyone has to make? So today, DADT's repeal became MY issue. It is in my heart and I am determined to see its end in this presidential term.

Watch out for BDU's DADT display...for those 13,339 soldiers who have been discharged from the US military for being LGBT since 1993. Outrageous wouldn't you say? I am a student of the issue and really invite you all to research it, learn with me, and stand for the rights of all to be who they are.

Anonymous Posts(2.15.10-3.21.10) (FINALLY)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Right. So.

It is clear that as an editor I've pretty much been The Worst in the past 3 weeks. There's no excuse for it, and I'm truly sorry for people who were upset by the lack of posts - specifically anonymous posts. I'm getting my act together, promise.

Since then, though, despite my complete failure, The Girls on the staff have just been crushing it on the blog. Veronica and Risa have been writing simply amazing pieces for the site (if you haven't checked them out, do so right now). Patrick deserves cred, too!

So here are the way way long overdue anonymous entries, yo.

#1

I don't know how I identify. Sometimes I think one thing, then later I'll think something else, and even later I'll be unsure again. And sometimes all of this bothers me. But The Center never fails me. Whenever I'm there I just always feel really empowered. The students there are unlike students I've met anywhere else on campus. In just a few words they are: grounded, passionate and eccentric. I love the "community" feeling that exists. And Janie, Chris and Peg always make me feel welcome. Thank you for facilitating this positive space on campus.

[Ed. Note: Amen. I have never been disappointed by a visit to the Center, either. To think that I was so anti-going freshman year! I don't even want to think about all the hugs I missed out on. Thank YOU for making my time there just as warming :)]

#2

Same shit, different gender. I am the one who expresses my feelings, sacrifices time and sleep, and is generally more invested. I thought being in a same-sex relationship would be easy because there would be certain commonalities in the way we think, but I was so wrong. Is there something in me that is attracted to taciturn people? It just pisses me off to think that I'm "the girl in the relationship" because that supports the stupid gender binary in addition to my clingy, dependent-on-my-significant-other tendencies...but it seems that that is the most accurate description of what's going on here. I guess it is just a personality thing, rather than a sexuality thing. Some people are attracted to blondes, I'm attracted to people who have trouble putting their feelings into words. Does anyone else find themselves taking on the same role in every relationship they're in? This is starting to get frustrating.

[Ed. Note: That is frustrating! Ambiguity in a relationship sucks, and yes, seems to be a Y chromosome thing. Feeling that you are putting in all of the effort with little positive feedback can be crippling. For some reason this short-lived show Ari (King of Obscure Entertainment) told me about once comes to mind, called "Tell Me You Love Me." Basically the premise was pretty much that: just... tell me you love me. Meh. I may be way off, but that's how your post resonates with me.]

#3

There are a ton of cute girls here, huh man?"

This sentence, and others like it, sometimes are my worst nightmare. I used to identify as gay, in fact, I've come out to my family back home, and all of my friends at Duke. The problem is, everywhere I go, I run into new challenges with coming out. You would think that once I was totally out in school, I would never go back into the closet, but for some reason, that hasn't been the case lately.

You see, I'm currently taking a semester off and doing an internship. At first I wasn't intending to go back into the closet, but sexuality really never comes up in my conversations, and I'm kind of tough to spot as gay, so people simply assume I'm straight. When people assume this, it seems so tough for me to correct them, because I don't want it to be awkward or anything. I just want to go with the flow, because I don't really mind, except for the fact that I'm hiding something that is a large part of my identity. It's such a catch-22, because I don't want to make things super awkward, but at the same time, the fact that I like guys is probably going to come up in all of my close friendships. I dunno, I guess I just really value my relationships with straight guys, because I don't identify very much with a lot of the gay community that i've met for some reason, I guess it's just not really my scene. I don't want to hide who I am, but at the same time, I don't want guys to think that I want to hit on them just because I like hanging out with them.

Not too sure where I'm going with this, but anyone have any advice?

[Ed. Note: Good post! Personally, I have many straight male friends that I'm completely out to (and always have been). It's never been a problem, and the honesty prevents really awkward and uncomfortable comments like the one you mentioned above. They've never felt uncomfortable around me (as far as I know) and we talk about everything. I don't think we give straight men enough credit - just as not all gays are not the same, not every heterosexual is a homophobe. At the same time, though! It can be really difficult to bring these things up on the fly or out of nowhere - today, someone asked me if the homework due tomorrow was gay. I didn't say anything (I really shoulda, and I'm pissed that I didn't). I'm still kind of working on that myself. Has anyone figured how to navigate these issues?]

#4

A friend of mine recently asked out a woman she had been interested in for weeks. She finally got up the nerve to ask her out and was overjoyed to get a yes. The date went fairly well, nothing spectacular but far from terrible. A few days later, my friend was approached by a mutual acquaintance of theirs and was simply told that the interest was not mutual. Rather than be cruel and say no at the outset, her hopes were raised and then dashed via a third party. This is the kind of thing we all used to see in middle school. I have heard countless other stories of avoidance and middlemen used to solve dating issues. If someone has the guts to put themselves out there, the least that can be done in return is to explain yourself (a “sry i think we shud just b friends” text is probably not the most well-mannered approach) and treat the other person with respect. So please, let’s collectively suck it up and endure the uncomfortable conversations and put an end to the middle school drama. We all deserve better. /end rant

[Ed. Note: Agreed. The Joe Jonas Breakup should not be the paradigm for communication at Duke. We can do better.]

#5

I'm a very outspoken ally but her comment challenged my pre-existing ideas in an unusual way. She was telling me about her boyfriend and how he was jealous that she was spending so much time with her best friend (another female). I almost made a comment that "well, you're into guys. so what's he so worried about?" except she explained that she's bi and her best friend is an ex before I had a chance to make my remark. I'd like to think that my thought wasn't homophobic or heteronormative (because I didn't assume that she was attracted to men), but I admit that it was assuming of a different sort of normative--one of being attracted to only one sex. Thanks, friend, for showing me that no matter how hard I try to be inclusive, I'm still a product of this society and I have some of my own prejudices to overcome.

[Ed. Note: GREAT point, #5. A goal of mine, too, is to recognize this (huge) room for progress even within The Community. Major changes in how we speak start with Us.]

#6

WHERE ARE ALL OF THE ANONYMOUS POSTS?

[Ed. Note: I know! I can't really stress enough how sorry I am for going M.I.A. Besides infinite guilt, though, the people who've called me out on this remind me that there are people visiting! Which is promising! Keep me honest, Readers.]

#7

Sometimes I intellectualize (rather than thinking about what I feel) my sexuality and I think I should be bi. It's about the person, right? Not their gender. At least it should be.

[Ed. Note: Ideally, yeah :) It's very difficult to break out of societal norms when it comes to attraction, but I know many people who've been much happier once they did.]

#8

When I first met the staff at the center as a freshman I introduced myself as a "straight ally." I'm sorry I couldn't just call myself an ally [without specifying my sexual orientation] or that I didn't feel comfortable just introducing myself by the other typical freshman labels [hometown, intended major, etc]. I realize that proclaiming my straightness like that doesn't really make me much of an ally at all and that it was just lingering homophobia on my part. I'm past that point, now, but I still feel bad about it.

[Ed. Note: Thanks for sharing, #8, I really like this post. You rock.]

#9

BDU, I won't lie. I'm a little disappointed in the lack of posts lately. I still check back every day, though, so keep up the good work. I'd love to see more stories about LGBT life at Duke in particular. How was your adjustment in coming out? How supportive is the straight community? I know that I'll be there soon, but I'm still impatient. All of your articles are great, and this blog is one of the first things I check every morning.

I posted a while back about being accepted ED, and I have suggestion. There is a pretty active Duke 2014 facebook group, and I was hoping that someone could post a link or a thread to the page, especially when the RD admits start joining, which should be very soon.

[Ed. Note: Yo whattup '14. Missed you. Sorry for the slow couple of weeks! You are in good company with your frustration. You're pretty much The Best for checking up on the site all the time. We'll do better by you, promise. About the facebook group, I'll get on that. Feel free to talk us up to other incoming students yourself! Spread the good word!]

Have at it, Readers! And again, thanks for your patience. This Community has always been there for me, and I appreciate the support and encouragement. In other words,

hate speech hurts. no homo(phobia).

IT'S HERE! BDU'S ANTI-HATE SPEECH CAMPAIGN IS THIS WEEK, AT LAST!

Our slogan is "hate speech hurts. No Homo(phobia)".

Cause, let's face it. Hate speech sucks and homophobia is stupid.

The point of the campaign is to raise awareness about hate speech. So many people use it without thinking about what they're saying--who they might be offending, the hate they're perpetuating and normalizing, what it really means. BDU is calling those individuals out.

We will be sponsoring various events through out the week.

3/22 MONDAY: If you want to help with the campaign, we're going to be having a work party today, Monday, at 6pm in the BC. Following that, come to bridge painting at 8pm.


3/23 TUESDAY: We're going to be spreading our brilliant posters around campus starting at 10AM. You can meet in the LGBT center to pick up supplies! We also will have representatives tabling on the plaza from 11:00 to 3:00. Tabling on the plaza includes making spray paint t-shirts, serving rainbow cupcakes, and getting people to take a pledge not to use hate-speech and speak up when they hear it in return for a rainbow ribbon!

2/25 THURSDAY: More tabling on the plaza from 11-3! (see above, 3/23 Tuesday for details about tabling).

We need people to sign up to help with tabling! Please visit the doodle poll and sign up. Even if you've never done anything with BDU, come by the table, make friends and lend a hand. In all honesty, tabling for last year's Day of Silence was my first real BDU event--so don't be shy. Tabling is a great way to get to know people and help change the world!!

To sum it all up...BDU's anti-hate speech campaign includes:
1. AMAZING/gorgeous posters w/ snarky, in-your-face messages!
2. Pledge-signing!
3. Banners!
4. RAINBOW CUPCAKES!!!
5. Ribbons!
6. To-die-for t-shirts! (Seriously, you'll want one, they're awesome!)

Questions? Email me, Risa, at rfi@duke.edu.

I effing hate hate speech, but I LOVE BDU!!

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"Transgender Need Not Apply At J.Crew" - Gothamist

Jen Carlson writes: "The group (Make the Road New York) says the preppy proprietor (J. Crew) might as well post a 'transgender people need not apply' sign on their door. They recently put the company's Manhattan retail store to the test, (along with 23 other retail stores), sending a transgender and a nontransgender to apply for jobs—with everything else (age, race, experience) matching on their resumes. The full results can be seen after the jump. The group's report 'also found a 42 percent net rate of discrimination for transgender job applicants... [and] 49 percent of transgender workers surveyed reported that they have never been offered a job in the time that they have lived openly as transgender.'

Queerty asks, 'J. Crew has spent nearly three decades outfitting America's homosexuals in their dandy wardrobe... why aren't you hiring transgender job applicants?'

...

Irene Tung of Make The Road NY tells us J. Crew is being singled out of the 24 stores tested because they 'acted in a discriminatory way with two different matched pairs. The two separate instances of discrimination are considered by the Attorney General and also by social scientists who specialize in matched pair testing, to be especially egregious because they represent a pattern of discrimination. So it is this pattern of discrimination we are singling out at J. Crew.'"

---

Will Phillips at the 21st Annual GLAAD Media Awards:

This kid is AMAZing!!

The Homeless Challenge

I have known for a while that homelessness among LGBT youth is a problem. Many teenagers either get kicked out or live in fear that they will get kicked out when they come out to their parents. It is estimated that 20 to 40 percent of homeless youth identify as LGBT. After completing the Homeless Challenge I have a much better idea not just of how it is to be homeless, but also how it is to be openly LGBT and homeless. Thinking about how toned down my experience was compared to the plight of actual homeless youth makes me sick. Nowhere else in society is homophobia so clearly and destructively expressed.

The Homeless Challenge is put on by the National Coalition for the Homeless in cities throughout the country. Fifteen people went on this year's Alternative Spring Break trip to Washington D.C. We were divided into groups of five and spent most of our time walking in groups of two or three. For 48 hours we gave up possessions, showers and money. At night formerly homeless guides kept us safe while we slept on the street in our sleeping bags and layers of clothing. During the day we were encouraged to complete tasks like applying for a job or library card, using the bathroom at a fancy hotel, talking to homeless people and panhandling. We ate at soup kitchens.

Being out is important to me. I saw the homeless challenge as an opportunity to experience what it was like to be a openly gay homeless youth without compromising my safety. While panhandling, a seemingly homeless man asked me why I was homeless. I told him I was kicked out of the house because I was gay. He proceeded to quote Bible verses at me and ask me why I chose to be gay. I pretended to agree with him. After telling me how nasty I was he stormed off, no longer the concerned man who thought I was too young to be on the streets. During our wrap-up session with our guides I was asked to share my cover story. Right after I said I was from Texas he remarked “The only things to come out of Texas are steers and queers.” When I told him I was one of those queers, he said he didn’t believe me. I told the group my cover story (that I was kicked out of the house) and about the random man who chastised me for being gay. The guide couldn’t have cared less. Later, when we reflected on the experience just as a group, the comment was mentioned. Turns out it went beyond just one remark or cold stare. Other people in the group thought our guides were homophobic. The reactions I personally received were not extreme. I could have heard them any day of the week on Duke’s campus and have heard them throughout my life. The difference is that I had been singled out and shamed by an authority figure. When you are on the streets without food, shelter and safety these attitudes are the difference between life and death. While I am not quick to call any of these selfless and strong men “homophobic bastards” I know that their attitudes are dangerous. During our challenge I was surprised at the existence of a homeless community. Homeless people we met were quick to give us advice, clothing or companionship. Most non-homeless people don’t know where the soup kitchens are. Finding out where to eat was not as simple as searching on the Internet since most public libraries require a library card to use their computers and library cards usually require a permanent address. Additionally the soup kitchens we went to had a strong religious component. I don’t think there is anything wrong with charities run by religious groups or religion as a means to uplift people. Yet these places are likely to be unfriendly to LGBT homeless people. Sometimes the harshest rejection comes from religious institutions. When you need food, clothing and companionship you can’t pick and choose where to go.

After this challenge I reflected on how different my experience would have been if I was flamboyantly gay. I wondered if my homeless peers would have showed me the same friendliness. I wondered about violent reactions and sexual assault. I wondered if I would have been able to find a girlfriend in my dirty, lethargic and isolated state. During our reflection one of my friends remarked that when I thought some men on the streets wanted to sexually assault me it was just fear. Yet this is anything but empty fear. It’s not empty fear when you have the statistics and experience to back it up. Over the next couple days I will continue the homelessness theme by posting data, suggested reading and resources. Any LGBT student who has experienced homelessness and wants to be interviewed should contact me.

I encourage everyone to participate in a homeless challenge and an Alternative Spring Break before they graduate.