The Glee season finale is tonight at 9, Everybody. This is going to be an epic event because we are so not certain about what is going to happen! Will New Directions almost definitely without a doubt win regionals?! We just don't know! (We know.) Will Quinn give birth at the end of the episode, going into labor at regionals?! MAYBE. (Yes.) Glee is an emotional roller-coaster and is sure to have some surprises up its sleeve! Maybe we'll get the rest of the songs that should have been in the Gaga episode.Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Glee Party Tonight On The Blog!
The Glee season finale is tonight at 9, Everybody. This is going to be an epic event because we are so not certain about what is going to happen! Will New Directions almost definitely without a doubt win regionals?! We just don't know! (We know.) Will Quinn give birth at the end of the episode, going into labor at regionals?! MAYBE. (Yes.) Glee is an emotional roller-coaster and is sure to have some surprises up its sleeve! Maybe we'll get the rest of the songs that should have been in the Gaga episode.Gaga's Alejandro Video OR The Debut of The Machine Gun Bra
Wow.
That is sort of a lot to process and I cannot wait for Ari to Pop Up Video me through it with factoids and gagasymbolism. "That snow was also used in the Sound of Music" -Ari, probably.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Anonymous Posts (5.31.10-6.6.10)
Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)Not much to rant about today, Readers, besides the fact that the blog is BLOWING UP, and everybody is coming up so big. Good work, Staff! And keep it up, because We All love to hear what you have to say.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Eviction
A high school friend of mine is getting kicked out of her house soon. Her mother has told her that as soon as she turns 18 she is no longer welcome there. Ever. Verbatim, this woman told her daughter that she is disgusting, that she wasn’t raised to be like this, that God hates her, and that she would rather see her dead.All because she likes girls.
You see, her mother found one of her journals where she keeps all her ideas for stories and recounts some thoughts or events she’s had that day. Then follows three angry voice mails, an early pick up from school, a smashed cell phone, and an extremely heated argument. Now my friend’s only hope for reconciling with her mother is to take an online, ex-gay course… and then bury her true feelings until she breaks or her mother passes.
Hearing my friend tell me this, it gave me such a sick feeling in my stomach. I tried to see it from a parental point of view: I have a child, a beautiful baby girl. I raise her for almost 18 years, watching her go through school, seeing her graduate, and remembering things like her first steps, her first words, play dates, story time, soccer games, movie nights, prom... And no matter which way I turn it in my mind, no matter what scenario I fit to it, I simply cannot fathom telling this child, my child, that she is disgusting, that I would rather she were dead.
This isn’t the first time I’ve seen this happen. I’ve known kids who’ve run away from home, or worse, for this reason before. Their parents find a hidden note, or they snoop on their computers at night, or listen in on a phone conversation. Some are tossed out immediately. Others suffer neglect or abuse until they can’t stand it anymore. I’ve sat in a restaurant and heard my step-mother say “One day, an earthquake is gonna send California out to sea, and it will sink, as God’s wrath against the homosexuals.” Because obviously, all gays are in California and all Californians are gay. It’s absurd.
Why is homophobia strong enough to drive some parents to feel this way about their children? Is it because they won’t have grandkids now? Science has become advanced enough that gayness is no longer a deterrent for continuing the bloodline. Is it the social stigma, the ageless prejudice? Maybe. Especially here in the South you find parents who, if not religiously inclined, have been taught that it is morally deplorable for so long it just sticks. Unfortunately, it seems religion is one of the stronger forces driving these feelings. My friend is getting kicked out of her house because her mother believes without a doubt that homosexuality is a sin. That God hates the homosexuals, so the only thing to do is change her daughter, or excommunicate her.
It is my belief, deep down, that even the God so many quote against us would disagree with this woman. The Bible preaches many things but the common motif is always Love. Unfortunately, this is too often overlooked. What happened to “love thy neighbor”? Where is “love the sinner, hate the sin”? Why is another girl, a child, being thrown from her home and her family because of who she loves? Homophobia is something I’ve seen so long it doesn’t really surprise me anymore, but to the point where you will hate your own children, cast them out like so many used napkins… I hope there never comes a time when I understand that.
The Book. The Cover. Judgments.
There are certain people that I usually don’t expect to be accepting. I don’t assume they’re bigoted right off the bat because I know there are exceptions, but I don’t anticipate an easygoing attitude either. One of these groups of people is the elderly group.Now, as I said, there are exceptions. I’ve met plenty of older people who seem to have no problem whatsoever with the LGBT community. Acceptance tends to run thinner as you move through the letters of that acronym, but I know there are seniors who have the right mindset. Although I haven’t lost sight of this fact, I was still surprised by something that happened today. It was subtle and discreet, but it hit me like a double-decker bus. I’m beyond excited to be doing Duke in London soon, so pardon the misfit imagery.
Anyway, I’m walking across the parking lot. I’m wearing a large, thin t-shirt that drapes loosely enough to fly like mad in the beach area wind. I’m also in short exercise shorts and flip-flops, and my long hair is practically propelling me off the ground. I’m growing my hair for Locks of Love, so it’s around 8 inches long right now and rather curly. Not always fun.
Imagine what’s going through my mind when an older man in a polo and khakis walks toward me from his car. He’s just gotten out of his totally not cliché Cadillac, running his hand over his bald spot, then through the remaining salt-and-pepper hair on the back and sides of his head. He adjusts his glasses. He puts his keys in his pocket. As he steps forward, he looks up at the sign on the storefront and squints his eyes to read it. We pass each other and he glances at me momentarily. I’ll go ahead and tell you what I’m thinking. I’m thinking, “He is judging me so hard right now. He thinks my hair is too freakin’ feminine. He thinks my shirt is too flowy. He thinks I’m showing too much leg. I can see it in his face.”
Alright, let’s start unpacking this. 1) I didn’t even really see much of his expression. How I decided he was thinking all this – In retrospect, no clue. 2) I shouldn’t care either way. I like the way I look. 3) There’s more to the story…
As I continue walking, I notice another man getting out of the front passenger seat, dressed similarly to the driver and of a similar age. He follows the first man into the store. “Um, wait…” I turn around and watch them enter the store together. When I resume walking to my car, and once I’ve gotten my stupid hair out of my face (it’s a good cause, it’s a good cause, it’s a good cause), a dark spot on the bumper of this white, totally not cliché Cadillac catches my eye. I walk closer to get a better look at it. It’s a dark blue square. It has a yellow equal sign in the middle. Underneath it says “2007 Member.” It’s an HRC bumper sticker. Jaw-dropping. “I…am…so…stupid.”
I wanted to kick myself in the face for falling into this rather obvious life lesson waiting to happen. I had pre-judged someone I had assumed was judging me, only to find that he was probably not only accepting of me, but he may very well have been gay himself. If that’s the case, it’s also probable that he’s gone through far more trials and tribulations as a gay man than I. I try so hard to resist judging people without grounds, and this is just one more reminder that I always have more to learn about people, and myself.
On a High!!!
A few more pictures...
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Light my Candle?

So, I recently got dumped last week. It was pretty much devastating.
Okay, that’s a huge exaggeration. It’s more of a joke that I had with a few people in the Center last week, but let me explain:
I recently encountered a woman on campus who I thought, 110%, just had to be queer. I was so super-thrilled. I had never seen her before. She was new! And guess what else?! She was completely beautiful, apparently single, and I was totally, totally interested.
On top of all that, she had what I could only dream of in a woman: to quote Summer, she was super gay, or super-queer, whatever you prefer. She was amazingly out and visible.
How did I know this? My flawless gaydar gave this girl a solid QUEER rating. She had all the tell-tale signs that one might look for. Rainbow flags on the water bottle? Check. The laptop? The backpack? Check check. The Look? (Come on, you all know what I’m talking about. The across-the-room, unmistakable, definitively gay, Look.) Yep.
I was so excited. I was in the Loop with my friend, Nathan, and when she came over to say hi to me, I think I almost dropped my electronic blue Loop buzzer. I felt like I was 5 years old. I grabbed Nathan by the arm and practically hyperventilated as I turned my back to her: “Is she coming over here?!” I tried to play it cool. It failed miserably. Before I know it, she’s in front of me and she’s started talking to me. I begin to ignore everyone else in the room.
But I was having the time of my life, because a beautiful queer woman knew my name, and I knew hers.
Fast forward to our 3rd encounter of the week. I bump into my new girlfriend (or, whatever) while I’m walking around campus the next day.
I’m trying to play it super-cool. But I remembered getting some advice from friends in the Center: “be intentional about your actions. Come out to her. Be honest. Start the relationship off by being genuine right away.”
So I thought, “hey, that’s good advice! I’ll come out to her, she’ll come out to me right afterwards, and we’ll move in and start this crazy life together.” I’m basically already planning our wild trip to Jamaica. Sweet.
I used the best line I could come up with, hoping it would seem smooth:
“I really like your rainbow stickers.” (Hey, if you have a better idea, let’s chat.)
She smiled: “Oh, thanks!” Silence. I try to play it cool:
“So…do you have them for visibility?”
She looked at me. And then she looked at me.
Oh God. It hit me. Something’s wrong. Panic mode. The Look had disappeared. Something wasn't right.
“Well, so…one of my best friends is gay…”
I stopped listening. I already knew by heart everything else that would come after it: Ally.
I was dumbfounded. I decided to try and save whatever face I had left. (Too bad I’ve already Googled the tickets to Jamaica. Expedia seemed to have good prices.) “Cool, sweet. Where on Central are you living? I love that song too. Yep, I agree, the weather is great. Have a nice day!”
But I was crushed.
Ally.
Don’t get me wrong. I love (not like!) allies. I love them so much. Why? Because I know what a ridiculously long time it took just to get myself to walk through those LGBT Center doors. And then, to see them do it, when they have the same social pressures to deal with, but they don’t even identify? It’s phenomenal. I just love it. I love them.
But I don’t love it so much when I think you’re super gay, or super queer, and you’re…just…not.
After getting dumped that afternoon (I’m exaggerating, but you get the idea), I wanted to forget about the whole thing. And I basically did, until Nathan, that same friend from the Loop, told me the following:
“I was just going to say that I really love seeing you talk about the women you're interested in. You just light up.”
Wait, really? I asked him to clarify.
“It's very true. I just thought of you grabbing my arm that day, and telling me to see if there was a table nearby her, and how you just lit up, and it made me smile. And while that girl may not be available, the fact that you could do that, and would do that, makes me smile.”
It was really great to hear him say that. Because before he told me this, I had thought of the incident as “that embarrassing time when I was blissfully unaware that I was hitting on a straight girl.”
But he was challenging me to think differently, to think of it as what it was: Real. (With AJ’s capital R.) Not just queer woman meets straight woman.
But queer woman works up the courage to do something very queer.
And that might be something worth remembering.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Anonymous Posts (5.24.10-5.30.10)
Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)
Soon-to-be Camp Counselor; Always an Ally
I had the great fortune of being a camper at Ramah Darom (in Georgia) for several summers. Experiences from camp, along with relationships with my peers and my counselors/other staff members, played a very pivotal role in my life. Over the years I had counselors who were always there to listen, counselors who challenged me, counselors who believed in me, counselors who reminded me to not take life too seriously, counselors who showed me the ins-and-outs of Judaism, counselors who shared my passions, counselors who were my friends, and counselors who modeled for me what it meant to embrace my full self (eccentricities included). I know firsthand the power that a counselor can have on a camper looking for a role model or a mentor.
The campers I’ll have this summer are mostly rising 8th-10th graders (though I'll also work with rising 6th/7th graders and families). They’re old enough that they’re “real people,” but that also means that they’re tenuously trying to navigate their lives: their sense of self, their peer group, and their values, just to name a few. [Any readers extra-eager to re-live those years? ‘Cause, uhhh, you won’t find me volunteering for the chance.] I am excited, however, to be their friend and I hope to have a lasting impression. In this way, it’s important to me that I’m visible.
I want every camper to feel safe, valued and respected. I want every camper to know that I am her or his ally. I want any camper who is out in other areas of her or his life to be comfortable being out at camp. I want any camper who is still in the closet to know that I’m on her or his side and that she or he can talk to me in confidence (for that matter, I hope a camper who is out feels comfortable talking to me about any issues that arise). I want any camper who is in the closet to feel that camp is a supportive environment where she or he can safely begin her or his coming out process (I recognize that the three immediately preceding points are easier said than done).
Even if there is not a single LGBT-identified camper (either in or out of the closet), there are still messages I hope to impart. I want every camper to understand that Conservative Judaism does not condemn LGBT-identified members of our community. On the contrary, The Seminary will admit and ordain openly gay and lesbian-identified individuals [the current Jewish law does not address trans nor bisexual rabbis]. Last but not least, I want every camper to leave camp thinking that being an ally and standing up against homophobia are “cool” and feeling empowered to act accordingly.
[These are, maybe obviously, not my only goals as a counselor; rather, goals I’ve given very deliberate thought to for months. I also, perhaps predictably, want to be a beacon of feminism (a loaded goal which I won't unpack here); I want to be there for my campers to listen about any issue they may be facing—not just LGBT themed struggles; I want to imbue my campers with self confidence; I want to help them to reach their personal goals; I want to help them to strengthen their Jewish identity; I want to facilitate them making relationships among themselves; I want them to learn to be comfortable with themselves.]
That all sounds real swell, but creating a safe space, making myself approachable and empowering campers to speak up will not just happen by mere virtue of me being a counselor. It takes deliberate actions. So, how will I do this? And, how can I do this without overstepping a boundary of being overly “political” in my role as a counselor?
The second question first: There are plenty of ways to stand up for LGBT issues without invoking the politics of today. I can’t say whether the issue of marriage or Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell will come up—though if it does, it will be because a camper initiated the conversation. However, I don’t believe (and I think that the readers of the blog will agree with me) that affirming the worth of any of my campers is “political.”
To create this type of environment, though, I must be visible. Some actions, by their very virtue, will be reactive, while I can do others at anytime. Hopefully, nothing occurs which would force me to intervene. However, I will do my best to be aware of situations which may arise. For instance, when used, I will speak up against homophobic slang and facilitate conversations about the role of language. If it happens, I will question why someone’s sexuality was a qualifying adjective to a story. If a camper is out of the closet, I will be sure to pay close attention as to how this is perceived by his or her cabinmates. If an issue arises, I will be quick to act in his or her defense [this is, I believe, a situation especially unique unto overnight camp, since living space isn't typically intimately shared until college]. Similarly, I will pay close attention to if a camper's gender expression or perceived sexual orientation becomes the target of his or her peers and will act accordingly if necessary. This may sound like I'm expecting the worst, but really I'm optimistic that the most reactive I'll have to be is to everyday slang [no homo(phobia)].
Other things I can do start on the very first day. I will do my best to use affirming and inclusive language. I will proudly don my Love=Love and no homo(phobia) shirts. I will wear my BDU silicone bracelet and I will display a rainbow sticker on my nalgene and a rainbow ribbon on my backpack. Perhaps most importantly given the nature of the camp as observantly Jewish, I will be prepared to the best of my ability to answer questions and present information about LGBT issues and Judaism.
I should note that I was excited to see "sexual preference" included in our anti-discrimination policy. I could be critical of the outdated language (sexual preference vs. sexual orientation), but I'm just glad to know that the directors of the camp are forward thinking, aware of these issues, and dedicated to seeing that homophobia not be part of our camp culture. I have every reason to believe that this was not just included in the policy as an empty formality, but a genuine concern. In fact, last summer (at a week for potential staff members) I recall having a conversation about homophobia with our director; he also "liked" a link to my Day of Silence post on facebook.
I'm excited for the challenges that await me--personally, Jewish-ly, and professionally--and I'm excited to expand the ways in which I speak out against homophobia. Like Veronica’s “informal research,” I look forward to reporting back to you about my experiences.
But first, Readers, I'd like to learn from you what your experiences have been as a camp counselor or a camper. How did you see homophobia manifest itself? What are ways that you addressed it? What positive stories can you share about being out at camp (as a camper or counselor)? Please help me to be the best that I can be this summer!
[Sports related blogs will be posted during the next few months while I’m away. Please note, however, that I’ll be mostly unable to engage with you in the comments section. The camp at which I will be a counselor has very limited internet service!]
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Being Fiercely Real
So, something has been bothering me for a while now. A little while ago, I was chatting with an old high school friend of mine on Facebook that identifies as being a homosexual male. We were both talking about how we were trying to be more health conscious and go to the gym more. We both mentioned the, let’s just say… changes, our bodies have made over the years. I told him how I wanted to get back to my senior year/ freshman year body because I was really happy with myself then. He replied with an “lol.” But what he said next is what really bothers me. He added that he wants to make sure that he looks good for the boys. Now, just to give you some comparison, we are the same age, same height, similar build, and I’m bigger than he is. My fitness goals are less than his. After bringing this up to him, he replies that the only thing that matters to gay guys is how many abs you have and how big the rest of your muscles are. I was taken aback by this. I won’t even begin to go into all the thoughts that ran around in my head. I asked him if he was like that. Response: “No. But I know what people want and I’m going to do anything I can to give it to them.”I was floored. I know that body image is very important to a lot of people, but is that really the ONLY thing that is considered when considering if someone is attractive? Do I really have to have rock-hard abs and be able to bench 250lbs to be considered hot? Are gay guys really that vapid and shallow? Speaking from my personal experience, thankfully not all are, but I do know that there are some people (of all different identities and sexualities) that take physical appearance as the only deciding factor. But please for my sanity, tell me that it’s not as large of a population as I fear.
It’s something that I’ve noticed a lot, not only in the gay community but in society as a whole. Everywhere you look, you see the models with their flawless skin, amazing physique, perfect hair, immaculate smile. I look and wonder if that is really the concept of beauty. If it is, then what in the world am I?! My skin is far from flawless, my body is decent but could be a lot better, I could use a haircut right now, but I do have a pretty nice smile if I do say so myself. But should I have to break my back at the gym everyday for 2 hours or starve myself for weeks on end to look like all the models do? Do I really care that much about getting called “hot” by some air-headed, shallow, gym rat? NO FREAKING WAY!
Don’t get me wrong, I will still go to the gym and try to adopt healthier eating habits but it won’t be anything drastic and it is not because I want to be one of the “beautiful people” as I like to call them. It is because I (extra emphasis on that “I”) want to do it for myself.
On Tyra Banks’ show (yes, I watch her show every once in a while), she did a special episode about plus-size women and how they can and should feel happy and comfortable in their body. Tyra gave them style tips and the whole nine yards. Also, she didn’t call them plus-size women. She called them “Fiercely Real.” I’ll admit that I burst into laughter at this new title, not because of who the title was for but just because it’s Tyra and everything is fierce in one way or another to her. Anyway, I actually loved that episode. There is absolutely nothing wrong with going to the gym for 2 hours everyday if you want to do it for yourself. If you are like me and actually like having a little extra warmth on you, then you go right ahead and stay warm! Do you and that’s all you can do. As soon as you try to do someone else, then my friend, we have a problem.
So here’s another warning from me to everyone, but especially for our Community because I see it a lot within us: Don’t let anyone dictate to you how you should live your life or how you should look. If YOU think you look good, great. If someone else has a problem with it, tell them this: Build a bridge and get over it.
Peace and blessings.
And here’s a little something completely unrelated but I think you should know about it because it is absolutely amazing.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
The End of the World, More or Less (More)
The letter we just got from Janie, Director of the LGBT Center, and Surrogate Mother to Us all:Hello, Everyone!
I hope the beginning of your summer is going well wherever you have landed. We have students all over the world and also a sizeable group here at Duke for the summer. I am writing with some news that makes me both happy and sad.
I'll start with happy. Chris Purcell has accepted a position at the Berklee
College of Music as the Coordinator for Peer Advising. His new duties will include coordinating their Peer Advising Program (hiring, training, and supervising 85 peer advisors), doing outreach to first year students at risk, and collaborating in the delivery of their new student orientation program. His last day in the office at Duke will be June 18, 2010. I am happy because Chris is happy especially to be closer to his mom and, of course, for a promotion and increase in pay! I told the reference person who called me that I did not want to talk with her, and she should go away! She did not listen to me, however. This same news makes me sad because we are losing a great member of our team who has brought so much light to so many of you. I know you will want to join me in wishing Chris well and much happiness. We will be hosting a good-bye reception for Chris here at the Center on Thursday, June 17th from 3:00-5:00 pm, and I hope many of you will be able to attend. For all of you who are at some distance, I know Chris will want to hear from you as well.
I am moving forward to request permission to retain the position so that a search process may be started as soon as possible. If the request is approved, there will be student reps on the committee, and I hope many of you in the area will participate in the interviews and offer your feedback. I will keep you posted throughout the summer as we make progress. I also encourage any of you who have questions or ideas to e-mail me at jlong@duke.edu. While I am sad for the loss of Chris, as this door closes another one will open with new wonderful possibilities!
Stay tuned for details about our celebration of Chris. We want to make sure he leaves feeling the love!
My best,
Janie
I understand Janie's attempt at framing this as an OK thing. Chris is The Best and has consistently played an infinitely important role in all of our lives, so it is logical that we would want Him to be happy and have money. I'm sure that there are other qualified people out there (I am not sure there are other qualified people out there), and we have Chris' cell number, anyway. At the same time, Justin Clapp better be prepared because his is now our Resident Male That We Trust and Approach With Dire and/or Inappropriate Situations.
So yeah, I'm totally not going to overreact and make this into something hugely negative. But just know that I am WITHDRAWING FROM DUKE BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO GO THERE ANYMORE. THERE IS NO LIFE AFTER CHRIS PURCELL, PEOPLE.
Let's make this The Longest Comment Thread on how much we are in love with Chris. It should not only feature words (in caps lock) but also links to appropriate videos and images. I'll start.
In tribute:
Senate Armed Services Committee Debate: Watch as the Senate committee debates/votes on "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" repeal and the compromise made this week. This looks like a lock for Us, but it's got to make it through here before it goes before the House.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
I did it!
Yall already know that I came to my homeland with a MISSSION (thanks Chantel!)I'm not religious and resent the fact that much of the support for LGBT people in San Antonio is done through churches. I personally do not feel comfortable going to church or church related events. I think non-religious as well as religious folks should have access to this kind of support.
Unfortunately I developed activists block. I had sent e-mails to coffeeshops and community centers to no avail. Last night I bypassed my pride and e-mailed a slew of LGBT friendly churches that I found in an online directory. This morning three e-mailed back saying I could use their space for an LGBT youth discussion group.
One pastor in particular lamented the dearth of resources for LGBT youth in San Antonio. He, along with some other pastors, was trying to start a religious group for LGBT youth. He could get the message out to members of gay-friendly parishes across San Antonio. Most importantly, he promised me access to a large meeting place equipped with state-of the art games like ping-pong.
I was wholly unprepared for this to happen so quickly. I did what anyone in my situation would do: I created a Facebook group. Now the group has almost thirty members. I have sent e-mails to arts organizations, synagogues, HIV/AIDS organizations, meditation centers- every place I think will lend me a sympathetic ear.
I would like to contact high school GSAs (does anyone know if an online directory exists?) and reach out to all sides of town. I want people to hear about and have access to this group whether they live on the Northside, Southside, Eastside or Westside. The highways in San Antonio can take you anywhere. Unfortunately, public transportation is limited and doesn't yet exist in the newer parts of town. I love that the church is located near San Antonio College in the downtown area.
I know this was a simple step that required no high-tech skill or grant-writing ability. Yet for some reason it hadn't been done before (correction: I have since learned is has been done before, it just didn't last.) I can't wait to see how this group develops and meet some more amazing people.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Anonymous Posts (5.17.10-5.23.10)
Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)Sunday, May 23, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Uh... Everyone needs to see these videos: (via Aliza and Billy!) OK, so this first one from the TV show "What Would You Do" (which has changed a bit since I first saw it in the 90's) where gay parents and their children are refused a meal at a Brooklyn restaurant, and we watch as Society completely fails Us. "Fuck that, I'm hungry!" - Society. Whatever. How do we feel about this show, Community? I have mixed feelings.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Butch/Femme
“I like butch girls and I cannot lie
You other femmes can't deny
When a butch walks in all the femmes make a fuss
Because there's like one of them and thirty of us”
-“Butch/Femme” by Team Gina
Don't hate me but...I can somewhat relate to the characters on the L Word. Don't get me wrong- I am just as annoyed that there were no real butch characters. I find the level of wealth and glamor unrealistic. Yet I can't help myself. I am attracted to the women on the show and aspire to be like them. My race and socioeconomic status also play a role, but I will address those identities another day.
Today is all about gender expression.
I see myself as a queer femme. It makes me feel like I’m in a burlesque troupe. While I am not the typical femme girl, I am a femme girl nonetheless. (And really, regardless of sexual orientation, who is the "typical" femme girl?) Before this year I assumed that since I wasn't “femme” in the most narrow, stereotypical sense I wasn’t a “femme” at all. I also assumed that in order to be “femme” I would have to date only “butches.” I changed my mind partly because Tiffany kept telling me how femme I was. I also realized that well…I wasn’t like all the other LGBT girls I knew. This realization wasn’t of the “OMG I’M SO ALONE WHAT EVER AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE” variety (we've all had plenty of those.) Rather, it was accompanied by a sly grin. One more hitherto unanalyzed part of me was finally beginning to make sense.
Part of the reason why I was so hesitant to claim the identity was because I was I was a flaming tomboy growing up. When I was younger I would often pass for a boy. I envied girls who could wear shorts and a t-shirt and still look like girls. In many arguments with my mom and grandma where I have been accused of “not being feminine enough.” Someone was always willing to explain to me that I was too loud, too logical, too brash, too sporty, too ugly, too to-the-point to be a girl. I still don’t feel like I have correct femme foundation. Whatever “femme” is, it’s not completely instinctive.
We all have many sides and histories. The word “femme” to me is not about wearing heels everyday, wanting to be a mother, having a million cute pictures on Facebook, heightened sensitivity to colors or shopping stamina. It’s not about only dating women who can pass for men, though I do find masculine women appealing. The aforementioned qualities are more stereotypical than realistic, though sensitivity to colors is based in biology. What makes me a femme? Well, my love for skirts, dresses and all things beautiful. My hair-flipping ability. My freakish emotional intelligence and sensitivity. My aversion to physical pain. My desire to comfort others. To you this may sound like outdated stereotypes. Yet for me the details are less important.
I am constantly "hacking" the word femme, teasing out of it new meaning.
Putting a definition to “feminine” and “masculine” is one of the hardest tasks I can imagine, slightly less hard than running the Federal Reserve or being a neurosurgeon. I understand why someone wouldn’t want to identify with a label. This may surprise you, but I can wear a suit and tie or play a contact sport and it has no effect my status as a femme. I have femme tenure.
Femme is also more liberating because I made the choice to identify as such and feel no shame in it. Of course I would feel no shame- as a woman I am encouraged by society to be "femme." And you'd be right to assume that it's easier for straight women and I to find common ground when I look similar to them. I also find it easier to introduce straight women to a girlfriend who looks like a boyfriend. But I don't have a firm ally in men or women. While straight women can relate to me and make up most of my friends, I am still too often seen as the tainted lesbian. I'm like a slut or a whore. And I have difficulty forming strong friendships with straight men.
This exercise has taught me to me more sensitive to the unique gender expressions of those around me. You are free to identify as butch/femme, genderqueer, androgynous or just yourself. I not vulnerable to harassment because of how I look, walk, dress or talk. I am vulnerable to harassment because I choose to be visible. I'm angry whenever I hear the line "If I wanted someone who looked like a man, I'd date one" on a television show, especially one that is LGBT themed (Sugar Rush comes to mind.) The gender expression chauvinism is our community needs to stop. I know the butch/femme dynamic seems passe, but it's just as passe as only valuing feminine (or non-butch) lesbians.
Identifying as femme is not about putting myself in a box. It’s about finally finding a box that so many people hid from me and saying
“Hey! That’s my box!”
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Ticks.
So first I should probably just note where I’ve been this whole semester. I had been so sure of myself: on this mission to present my community with interviews and photos. I loved doing it. But then, as some of you know, my last subject’s parents found the entries…the blog. What ensued was not the greatest of circumstances for this individual. I had the permission and everything but I couldn’t escape this feeling of guilt. I stopped writing. What right did I have to put someone in that position of pain and hurt?I think I reflected on it too much. I was scared that I threw myself out there, and was trying to pull out everyone with me. To be supergay, or ultragay, or gay before anything else. To take the risk and out ourselves on campus, online. That’s a big step. Deep down, I still absolutely agree that being just us was the goal of my entries: to show the broader experience of queer folks at Duke.
But being more out has not been without its hate.
Reactions from family and friends and complete strangers have been interesting. Although I am perhaps more hesitant now to post online, I know these stories are important to tell. So I hope you can bear with me in this post. I hope to continue posting during the summer and make up for my absence and overcome the fears that have piled up on me this semester.
There were two events that occurred really close together. They were my most direct and blunt experience with hate speech. I tried to brush it off and not let it get to me, but I’ve kept replaying these events over and over in my mind over the past few weeks. The first—was on LDOC. For those of you who have seen Patrick’s Documentary, LDOC 2009 was a great memorable experience for me. LDOC 2010 was tons of fun too, don’t get me wrong. But while kissing a female in the crowd while the bands were playing, I suddenly became aware of the people talking around us. I tuned in to a pair of guys next to us, hearing: “They’re kissing each other, that’s fucking disgusting.”
I can delight in the attention and reaction and help show a broader spectrum of female sexuality, the girl I was kissing certainly was. But I don’t really like being told that I’m fucking disgusting. It tore through me like I didn’t know it would. I shocked myself with how much it hurt.
Then, awhile later, the second event. Walking down Markham, hand-in-hand with my partner, a gentleman took it upon himself to lean out of his car and yell, “God made Adam and Eve!”
Not so piercing, no. But what if it was? What if something happened?
The only thing you can really do is laugh it off. Crack jokes. Be stronger...somehow. How do I do that?
I went to the Eno a few days ago, on a hot humid Durham day. I jumped right in that damn river. The peace and serenity of it all was overdue. Listening to the river flow slowly by, sitting on a soggy log, watching the dragonflies dance. I even got a tick! I’ve been terrified of ticks my whole life, but somehow it felt like a milestone. I picked it off without an issue, and maybe I’m sinking too far into hippiedom for my own good but I was pretty excited.
This semester was huge for me. A coming of age with hate speech and ticks. My grades weren’t what I wanted them to be—but are they ever? And I talked to my dad yesterday and while on the subject of coming out to the family he said: Summer, I just want you to include in your life whoever you want to be in it.
I don’t think he knows what that means to me, to us. It made my big ol heart want to explode.
Transparency and honesty are hard. It’s what I’ve made out 2010 to be. So far so good I think.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Multiple Identities, One Person
I love the rain. There’s something about rain that makes me feel very reflective. I like playing in the rain when I’m not on my way to class or have something else to do. It’s very cleansing and therapeutic for me. So today’s sudden monsoon put me back in my pensive mood. I began to reflect on my classes this year and on the mistakes I’ve made. As I thoughtfully meandered my way through the past academic year, I halted my psychological car in front of this one awesome memory I like to call Clinical Issues for LGBTQ, a wonderful class taught by the amazing Dr. Janie Long (PLEASE take this class. I promise you will not regret it.). So one of the readings for the class was entitled “Black-Gay or Gay-Black” and it basically stated that when a person is gay and Black, that person must decide whether he or she finds identifying as gay or Black to be more important. For example, I would have to choose which of my identities matters most to me. This made me a very unhappy person.According to this article, I cannot equally and fully acknowledge who I am as a person. What am I supposed to do? Should I neglect one part of me while I devote more attention to another part of me? I can’t do that. I am me and all of me. It’s not possible for me to choose what matters most to me. I am gay AND Black, neither more gay than Black nor more Black than gay. I do not choose to highlight one over the other or attempt to conceal one and promote the other. So where do I fit in in this dichotomy of identity? Is it possible that maybe, just maybe, I actually do unknowingly fall into one of these categories?
So I sat and I pondered. I pondered and I sat. Then, I went and played in the rain a little. Then, it was back to sitting and thinking until I finally realized something. As much as I hated to admit it to myself (and now y’all too), I’m a gay-black. It’s not purposefully done at all. I just see so many more issues that the LGBTQ community faces that the Black community doesn’t. I have not fully come to a conclusion as to why I participate in more LGBTQ groups and events than Black ones, but I’m beginning to understand why. As I was reflecting on another class I took this semester about racial passing in literature (Shout out to Prof. Maurice Wallace. You should so take one of his classes, too), we had discussions about what it means to be Black and some other very interesting discussions. Anyway, from that class, I’ve learned that my views and belief about race are not quite views that many others share. But it’s due to my own view on race that I’m not active in Black student organizations.
However, that does not at all mean that I am neglecting my heritage. I will never forget where I came from, but remembering the past will not hold me back from realizing the future. I have multiple identities. I draw strength, power, courage, and love from all of my identities and the communities associated with them. So, I still believe that the article was incorrect in stating that I view one identity as more important than the other. I fully embrace every facet of who I am.
Sometimes, classes teach you more than just knowledge about the subject of the course. Every once in a while, you get one of those amazing classes where you learn about yourself, too.
Now, I want to thank Dr. Janie Long and Prof. Maurice Wallace for helping me to learn and grow more as a student and as an individual. I could not have done it without their guidance. I owe both of you so much.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Anonymous Posts (5.10.10-5.16.10)
Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)Of course, my work here pales in comparison to the hours I spent trying to get the Facebook Share widgets to work on our blog posts. Apparently, HTML stands for Hard TML because of how hard it is to code. But hey! The widgets are installed and ready for All of You to use. Please do! We can tell from analytics that the traffic on the site is directly proportional to the number of people that post our columns on their Facebook wall. So help Us out!
#1
I ran away to Duke because I wanted to escape. Escape the pain. Escape the judgment. Escape the tears of a place most call "home." I wanted to create a new me: too strong to be hurt, too courageous to be scared, too assured to question. But I couldn't escape. Even worse, the pain, judgment and tears stripped the "new me" naked. I no longer knew who I was; I was so lost. I have never felt more alone.
On a whim, I decided to apply for Common Ground. There I heard a story of a young man who had felt so alone and so lost that life wasn't worth living, but instead of giving up he came to embrace the best he could ever hope to be - himself.
Each day since then (some days are better than others), I have tried to love myself. Working to embrace the best that I can ever hope to be - myself. In this daily struggle, I have come across some of the most remarkable stories; many from those who have had similar experiences. I'm now blessed to call these people my friends. I no longer feel alone in this journey we call life.
Many of my friends have dedicated their time at Duke to sharing their stories, reaching out to people who may feel alone and even to those whose actions make them feel pain.
I hope that this documentary (link), a collage of experiences and reflections, can help them continue this incredible work.
#2
this might sound completely ridiculous, but I'm worried about entering a relationship with somebody I've grown close to because I don't know how to have lesbian sex. I wonder if straight people realize how easy they have it. i'm scared shitless that I will be physically incapable of giving a woman an orgasm in a way that makes both us satisfied.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Being Queer Gave Me Unrealistic Ideas About Cities
As I've been thinking of my fair San Antonio this past week I have also begun to think about cities in general. What do I want from a city? Do I even want to be in a city? Why am I so obsessed with cities?!!! (I promise y'all I will make this LGBT related!)A Year in Review
By now, the stresses of the year have started to fade, the memories of papers, finals and long nights spent in the library receding into the background as summer begins. Some of us are relaxing on the beach, or in the mountains, or back home with our families. Some are back on campus, about to graduate and to bid farewell to Duke - congratulations to all of the Class of 2010. Some are traveling to exotic places with Duke Engage, or a study abroad program, or have an internship or a job. Whatever you’re doing, I hope you’re having a fantastic time and are managing to relax a little.I thought it was worthwhile at this point to take a little look at the past year, reflect at what our community has experienced and accomplished and to look ahead to next year. Our community is so diverse, vibrant and engaged that I won’t be able to do justice to everything that is happened, but I hope to give a rough overview of the major events that have shaped the experience of our community this past year.
The year got off to a great start with the first Fab Friday and the chocolate fountain social on East campus. The Class of 2013 has really been engaged this year, it’s been fantastic to see so many first-years get involved, step up and take leadership positions within the community. Veronica, Spencer, Andrei and Gordon are definitely people who come to mind when thinking of people who have already had a hugely positive impact already. The number of students attending BDU meetings and visiting the Center has really grown too - often we don’t have enough chairs in the room for everyone at meetings, which really is a great problem to have. The increased number of women-identified students who have gotten involved this year has been fantastic as well. Our community has continued to grow at a rate that would have been unprecedented just a few years ago.
The Fall semester was full of fantastic events that students were involved in. September 26th saw the North Carolina Pride Parade parade here in Durham, starting on East Campus and looping around Ninth and Main streets. Duke’s float was fabulous as always, winning most colorful for the third year in a row.
Fall break saw many students go on the Common Ground retreat, organized by the Council for Race Relations. Many students involved with the LGBT community have either organized or participated in Common Ground over the years and they almost universally report how amazing and enriching an experience it is. The break also saw 11 Duke students travel to New York for the Out for Undergraduate Business Conference, a business conference aimed at attracting more LGBT individuals to careers in consulting and finance.
October was a busy month, starting off with Coming Out Day, the annual celebration of LGBT individuals and allies on Duke’s West Campus Plaza. The day was one of fun, music and festivities, with 1500 of the ever popular Love=Love T-Shirts being given away. The following weekend, a group of Duke students travelled with students from UNC and NC State to take part in the National Equality March on Washington. The march saw over 200,000 protestors converge on the capital to demand full civil rights for LGBT individuals, the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and the end of workplace discrimination. Some of the headlining speakers included Dan Choi, a US Army veteran being discharged because of his sexuality, Julian Bond, chairperson of the NAACP, Cleve Jones, a famous LGBT-rights activist and Judy Shepard, mother of Matthew Shepard. This event was a fantastic example of the activism practiced by our community and of the collaboration between the different institutions in the Triangle area. Thank you so much to Manny and Aliza for all of their hard work in organizing and planning our trip.
October was the start of our successful pride flag campaign. To raise awareness of the LGBT community community on campus, over 100 3’ x 5’ pride flags were ordered, to be distributed all over campus out of dorm room windows. The rapid uptake of these flags, not just by LGBT students, but allies as well, was fantastic to see, it truly was incredible to be walking through the main quad and see a whole bunch of flags fluttering from the window. (Many have noted that some parts of campus became a de-facto LGBT-selective living group!). In fact, the flag campaign was so successful that we ended up ordering even more and definitely intend on continuing the campaign next semester.
November was especially exciting, with the relaunch of this blog, which has just passed its six month anniversary in this current incarnation! (zomg). I think it’s safe to call the blog an unbelievable success, not least thanks to the dedication shown by all of those who contribute toward it. Huge props go to Chris Perry, the editor, who despite his modesty has been absolutely critical in the success of the blog, totally deserving of the first ‘BDU Chris Perry Award’ handed out last semester. The readers (who number many and hail from near and far) also deserve applause, their numbers keep growing and the blog truly would be nothing without them. Within a few weeks of going live, the blog was already featured on Pam’s House Blend, a nationally prominent LGBT news and opinion blog.
November 19th was the night of the annual drag, where ten amazing student performers strutted their stuff at the Duke coffeehouse, along with the ever-impressive Erica Daniels. The event was extremely well attended as always, with the coffeehouse nearly bursting at the seams. The Drag Show is always one of the most popular events each year, with this time being no exception. It was a fantastic opportunity for students to perform and express themselves through the art of drag performance.
The start of the Spring semester saw the first Triangle Collaboration LGBT Retreat, with over 60 students from Duke, UNC and NC State heading to Camp Chestnut Ridge for a weekend-long leadership retreat. It was fantastic getting to know so many students from other universities. The groundwork for a lot of future collaboration has definitely been laid and we hope to continue the retreat again next year.
The week after we were lucky enough to welcome Kyrsten Sinema, an openly bisexual member of the Arizona legislature. In 2006, Sinema lead the country’s only successful campaign to defeat an anti-same sex marriage ballot initiative. It was an honor and an inspiration for her to visit Duke for a lunchtime conversation. Just two days later Jeff Sheng, a photographer/activist brought his Fearless exhibition of out LGBT high school and college athletes to Duke. That week proved to be even more exciting, with the folk rock duo Nervous But Excited returning to Duke for a performance at Fab Friday. Right after spring break was the Lavender Ball, the LGBT semi-formal hosted by BDU each year. This time around it was in the Doris Duke center in the gardens, with record turn out. It was awesome to see so many people there, having a fantastic night in the company of their friends. At the end of March was the LGBT Passover Seder, which Dani Schocken put a huge amount of effort into organizing. The Seder was a wonderful and enlightening opportunity to learn about Judaism and the LGBT community, which I really hope continues in years to come.
April was perhaps the busiest month, with a huge amount going on, especially considering the rapid approach of finals and end-of-term papers. We had the highly visible and successful anti-hate speech campaign, followed by the inspiring Day of Silence poster campaign, culminating in the Day of Silence itself on April 16. Over 60 members of the Duke community participated in the campaigns, which sparked dialog and discussions all over campus relating to hate speech, oppression and the experiences of LGBT individuals. A huge shout out must go to our seniors, Brandy Lynn and Matt Lyons, who showed incredible leadership in helping to organize these campaigns, they worked incredibly hard to make them successes and we’re really going to miss them next year. April was also when Duke’s first undergraduate publication for queer women, WOMYN got started. The goal of WOMYN is to promote a more visible, confident and emboldened queer women’s presence at Duke. It’s a really exciting endeavor and I applaud everyone who’s helped get it off the ground, including the new editorial team of Megan Weinand, Jack Grote and Summer Puente. I can’t wait to see the first issue next semester.
Another awesome initiative headed by students was the report published by the LGBTQ subcommittee of the DSG Gender Committee. The report aimed to be a guide for improving Duke’s undergraduate environment, specifically in terms of the experiences of LGBTQ students. The report identified three main areas of improvement, in student norms, space and support/safety. Each section included concrete recommendations for the administration that could be taken to improve the Duke undergraduate LGBTQ experience. Congrats to Michelle, Aliza, Julia, Andrei, Vivi, Gordon and everyone else who was involved in writing the report.
Of course, along with all of our successes this year, there have been a number of lows and difficult incidents that our community has had to confront to move forward. In the Fall semester, the East Campus bridge, which had been painted for the NC Pride parade was vandalized with homophobic epithets and slurs. Members of our community were quick to respond however, with a glorious unicorn taking the place of the hate speech within hours of it being tagged. Another unfortunate incident of hate speech occurred late in the Spring semester at the NPHC Step-Off during the BSAI recruitment weekend. Thanks to a quick response by students, in particular Chantel Ligget’s fantastic letter, a productive outcome was possible from the incident, with members of the fraternity in question participating in our Day of Silence campaign. The week after, of course, saw the controversy involving the College Republicans erupt. I think the important thing to note with all of these incidents however, is the amazing way that our community responded and supported each other during each episode. I truly think that we emerged stronger as a group after each challenge that we faced and have taken each opportunity to learn from each incident and from each other.
This brief blog post barely scratches the surface of all of the wonderful and important events that have occurred this year - and of course it’s colored by my own experiences. There have been countless other interpretations and experiences over the past few months, each shaded in a unique way through the lens of each individual. I would love to hear your thoughts, comments and impressions of how the year went, as I’m sure there are many diverging opinions out there. Just as importantly, I’d love to hear your ideas and hopes for next year. The fantastic thing about a place like Duke is that there’s always endless opportunity to promote change and to make big things happen. Vocalizing these desires is the first step to making it all happen, so I encourage each and every one of you to describe what you think has worked well, what hasn’t and what you hope to see change or begin next year. We’ve certainly come a long way this year, but there’s definitely still so much more to do. There are still too many students on this campus afraid of coming out or expressing their true identities. Hate speech and oppression continues to be an unfortunate reality, as does the marginalization of certain groups, even within the LGBTQ community itself. The struggle for a more inclusive, affirming and accepting Duke is one that is ongoing and which requires the contributions of everyone.
There’ve been so many amazing and incredible people involved with the community this year that it would be impossible to thank them all, so I truly am sorry if I’ve missed anyone. I also wanted to thank Vivi, for being an inspiring and courageous leader, we’re truly going to miss your beautiful personality and of course, the awkward icebreakers. I want to thank Janie and Chris as well, for being such amazing mentors, guides and friends.
To all of the graduating seniors, congratulations with whatever you choose to pursue and know that you’ll be sorely missed!